Title: Kinda I Want To
Author: Askani'daughter / Eruntalince (newloverboys@yahoo.com)
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Kinda I Want To 3 - Through Remy's Eyes
By Askani'daughter
Professor?
It's me, Gambit.
Can we talk?
Thank you. I appreciate it. I hope you don't mind keeping it mental. It'll make it easier for our conversation (it'll be one language), and also keep the whole damn thing private. I just really want to work out my thoughts right now, and you make such a great sounding board.
What about?
Well, you might not believe this, but about Scott and Warren.
Rogue? What's left to say? She hates me now, or at least she doesn't trust me, which is pretty much the same thing, in my opinion. And I deserve it. But we've had enough discussions about me and her. I want to talk about Scott and Warren.
Maybe because my relationship with Rogue isn't much different than theirs. Cyclops plays Rogue, and Angel plays me. Cyclops is untouchable, unattainable, and Angel so desperately wants to touch what he shouldn't. And not just for the touch. But for what the touch means.
Eh? Didn't you guess, Prof? I'm something of a romantic. Okay, so I'm a sap. So what? Do we rack up points in life for stereotyped views on masculinity or something? Stop chuckling.
Obviously, two guys together doesn't bother me. I've been with men on occasion, and I'm not ashamed. Male homosexuality is no different to me than heterosexuality. It's all good, you know? No sense in hiding it from you. You most likely already knew.
But Scott and Warren aren't normal. Both are beautiful, but they're so different. Scott the brunette, who I must say oozes sensuality when he wants to. I'm the one with the blasted charm power, yet women *still* flock to him. And men. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather remove my left testicle with a rusty butter knife than try anything with him. But he's nice to look at.
Angel's as beautiful as his namesake. He's so pretty he could pass for a woman if he hid those muscles. He makes me sick. Not only was I head over heels for Rogue by the time I met him, but Warren Worthington III is the only man I know who could intimidate me enough to make me *not* want him. People *that* good-looking give me a complex.
I don't really have any desire for either of them. An appreciation of their looks, but little else. And I'm not really close to either. In all honesty, the original X-Men, like Jean, Cyke, Beast, and all of them seem to have their own little clique and it doesn't include me. Of course, lately, nobody really wants to be my friend. Even Rogue and Storm keep their distance. Like they're waiting for me to become a turncoat.
Angel has his own little clique. He used to have Betsy, but since they broke up, they really seem to have little contact with each other. Not so much avoidance, more a simple embarrassment. Where to go after the relationship's over? He's real close to Jean, though.
That's another thing I don't completely understand. I consider myself almost as good as figuring people out as any telepath, but I don't understand how Jean, who has to know what runs through Angel's head, is practically best friends with Warren for all intents and purposes. And he makes his hollow passes at her, and both of them know he doesn't mean them. He hits on Jean, but all the time he's got one eye on Cyclops.
Heh. One eye on Cyclops. Get it?
Never mind. No one appreciates my humor.
Angel hangs out with Bobby the most, of his little original X-Men clique. He and Hank are fairly close, but Hank is more Scott's best friend, not Warren's. And both Hank and Bobby are as clueless as clueless gets when it comes to Scott and Warren. It's amazing really, that they should be so close, and have absolutely *no* clue that Warren wants Scott.
Correction, Warren *needs* Scott.
Bobby, to put it nicely, well he's swell, but.... well..... he's emotionally supportive like Wolverine's sweet and innocent. Oh, Iceman *tries* and he *means* well, but he has this tendency to take his foot up to the knee when he talks. And he doesn't notice that he inadvertently does damage to Warren's ego every time he teases him. Warren's that sensitive.
And Hank, well Hank.... He's smart. He's smart about books and all that, but kinda naive about people. He just thinks Warren's a little depressed and he'll get over it. And if what I heard about Warren is right, this little "spell" of Warren's has been around for years.
Then there's Jean, who you would think should be able to help, Warren out, right? In a sense, and I think she knows it, she makes him feel worst of all. Jean has everything he wants, and almost anything she says or offers Warren will feel wrong to him. And I don't think Jean has really touched anything sensitive with Warren. Like she's afraid of opening a can of death worms from hell.
It's partially my fault, you know.
Maybe that's why this bothers me so much. Warren's self-confidence couldn't have been that steady to start with if life bothers him *that* much, but ever since his wings...and the Marauders... I didn't do anything directly, I never do, but in retrospect, I'm a little responsible for this.
Having his wings cut off was an effective castration of Warren's psyche. They mean everything to Warren, you can tell. If he can't fly, he doesn't want to live. And even with his wings, life ain't that great for him. Lovers getting killed, best friends betraying him, megalomaniacal super-villains fucking with your genetic structure.....
You know. The usual.
Like I said, me and Angel... we're two of a kind, professor. He's better-looking, but at least I'm not suicidal. Well, at least I'm not as dramatic. Okay, fuck it, we're two of a kind, only he's got the looks and I got the charm, okay?
He really does disturb me. He's got all these contrasts inside him. Like he didn't want to be bothered with a choosing a certain extreme, so he took them all. He's a suicidal narcissist. Arrogant and unconfident. Egotistical, yet he hates himself. He's almost as fucked in the head as I am.
Angel seems so arrogant and full of himself on the surface, a typical millionaire playboy. But Angel is bleeding on the inside. He keeps trying to hide it, but after you've worked with people like I have, how could you not notice the look in his eyes, the occasional tremors of his hand? He's desperate for someone to make him feel better.
And Scott. Scott's like a rock. Sure, when life knocks him around, he might roll around in the dirt a bit, but not for long. He takes the hellacious shit life has thrown at him and come out a better person for it. He's the epitome of the strong and silent male, the bastion of strong will and tempered compassion, and the perfect fearless leader for the X-Men.
But even that's not what it seems. On the inside, Scott is sensitive to others, and maybe even more compassionate than you are. He hides it, but even Scott has to cry sometime. He's got a strange sort of strength. A strength that's based off of others. He's the knight in shining armor, the legendary hero. He needs to be needed.
And from what I gather, by picking up the pieces after the matter is over and done with, Jean no longer needed him.
Did she leave Scott so Warren would have a chance?
Maybe. Knowing people like I do, I know that there's a little something in Cyclops for Warren. An instant sympathy, a brotherly love. There's also plenty of irritation, frustration, and tension. Nobody can get under Scott's skin like Warren. The pair have been rivals since they first met from what I hear. There's definitely chemistry, but is it the right kind?
It's been a couple months since Jean left Scott. I figured it out before the rest of the team did. I saw the way they looked at each other. The hurt on Cyclops' face. The firm conviction, yet deep sadness on Jean's. Yep, I knew it wasn't just a simple fight.
It was over.
Most everyone took it badly, and everyone started asking Jean what Scott did to her to make her leave him. She would just smile sadly and change the subject. Everyone was confused. The storybook romance was over.
No one asked Scott.
He quietly suffered, as most of the team distanced themselves from him. None of them wanted to touch his pain, especially when they were unsure as to the source of it. Wolverine went tearing off after him, and it took both Rogue, Beast, and a stern Jean to convince him that it was between Scott and her, not him.
Me? I just watched from a distance, like I always do.
Scott was depressed. Most of it is has faded now, because not even a loss like Jean, the love of his life, could keep Scott Summers down for long. Mostly, what is left is confusion, and hurt. More confusion than hurt, but the hurt of her sudden divorce shook him to the core.
But it what was going on didn't really dawn on me until Angel finally confronted Cyclops.
Was I watching on purpose? Of course I was.
Cyclops was in the Danger Room, adjusting dials and planning our next exercise, devoted little workaholic that he is. Me? I was in the security room, watching him on the big-screen monitors.
Angel strutted in tentatively. Don't ask me how the hell you can strut tentatively, but he managed to pull it off somehow. Cyclops didn't bother to look up or around, obviously able to tell by now the difference between people's footsteps. Warren: light, hollow, alternately confident and timid.
You can tell a lot of a man by his footsteps, I think.
"Yes, Warren?" Cyclops asked coldly. Now sure, he's been able to handle Jean leaving him pretty well, all considering, but she was the love of his life. He's been especially cold and bitter of late.
Warren crossed his arms, lines of unhappiness creasing on his face as he studied Scott's back. Ever so discreetly, the blue eyes would dip to admire the whole package, but Warren behaves himself far better than most men would in the same situation, to his credit.
"We need to talk, Scott," he said curtly, pouring forth all his arrogance and his veneer of snobbishness. It suits him, yet it doesn't. The timbre of Angel's voice caused Scott to half-turn, an outright expression of vexation on his face.
"What about, *Warren*?" Scott asked with more chill than Bobby Drake himself could have mustered. I shivered from it all the way over where I stood.
"Jean," Warren said, dropping his blue gaze to the floor.
Scott's whole body stiffened at the mention of her name from Warren's lips. "Why? Want to know what's an appropriate wait time to start fucking my wife?" he growled, assuming the worst.
Warren's eyes narrowed and lifted to meet Scott's. "According to the paperwork you both signed last week, she's now your ex-wife," he hissed in response. Damn, and I thought Scott was acting like a bastard.
Their eyes must have met in the dimly lit control room, Warren's fathomless blue eyes and Scott's bright red, a visible line of tension, anger, and outright *passion* emanating in their mutual glare. Wolverine couldn't have cut the tension with his adamantium claws.
"Then it must be okay. Go right ahead, Warren, she's all yours. Try it from behind. She might like that sort of thing now," Scott said evenly, the tone of his voice must have dropped the temperature in there quicker than even Storm could have.
"Maybe if you had tried it, she wouldn't have dumped your sorry ass, *Cyclops*," Warren returned, his wings fluttering and stretching out behind him in anger.
A loud *thwok* resounded across the speakers, and I could feel the residual shockwaves of the roundhouse Scott laid into Warren. Warren fell to the side, blood trickling down his pretty lips. As he fell, his wings snapped around and with their incredible strength, flung Cyclops across the room, bouncing the brunette's body against the plasteel glass that looked into the Danger Room. Cyclops literally slid down the glass, while Warren readjusted his jaw, sitting on the ground.
I winced.
There was silence for a few minutes, while Cyclops stared down at the floor, and Angel at Cyclops. And then Scott began to laugh.
"Aren't we mature? Makes me remember, and not fondly, of the days when I still used Clearasil," Scott chuckled.
"What the hell are you talking about? I still use it," Warren snickered, and just like that the tension between them disappeared. How the hell do they do that?
"That explains your clear complexion," Scott said with a grin, the first smile I'd seen on his face since Jean left him.
"Five days, man. Gone in five days, or I get my money back," Warren grinned and stood up, walking over to Cyclops and holding out a hand to help him up.
Cyclops took the hand offered to him, and Warren helped him off the ground. The laughter faded from their lips, and their hands stayed wrapped around the other's. Their eyes met, and uncomfortable silence, a silence spent pondering each other, ensued. I wondered what they were thinking.
"Why... Why did she leave you, Scott? It was so sudden.... What did you do?" Warren asked sadly, as if he was mourning the loss of Scott's marriage. Perhaps he was, after a fashion.
"I don't know, Warren. She'd become more distant from me lately... But it was sudden for me, too. I've gone over everything a million times, but I don't know what I did that she would just leave me..." Scott sighed, his voice catching slightly.
They were still holding the other's hand, neither seeming to desire letting go.
"I'm sorry, Scott, I really am," Warren said softly, sounding sincere. All the arrogance and haughtiness was gone, leaving nothing but the sad, heart-broken man he really was for Scott to see.
"If you want her, and if it makes you both happy, then take her, Warren. Please. I want her to be happy," Scott whispered, staring now at his hand that was entwined with Warren's, peach tangled with blue.
"I don't want her, Scott. I never really did, in all honesty," Warren confessed, staring at Cyclops' face almost hopefully, his fingers tightening around Scott's, his face a silent plea for Scott to *notice* him.
Scott raised his face and met that desperate, hungry gaze, considering Warren for a long time, as more silence filled the room. How could he not notice? How could he not see the pain in his friend's, his fellow X-Men's eyes? How could he not know how much Warren needed him, wanted him? Why couldn't he at least acknowledge the emotions, if not return them?
Eternity stretched out between them, an eternity I was only vicariously part of, from my little voyeur's haven. Warren took the long silence as an invitation to draw closer, and I knew it had to be frustrating to him not to be able to see in Scott's eyes. Their bodies were only inches apart now, and Warren's wings stretched out on either side of them, almost protectively.
"Then why did you try so hard to get her, Warren?" Scott finally whispered. He leaned a little closer to Warren, as if he wanted to peer into his eyes a little more, to assure himself the window to that soul wasn't in need of Windex.
Scott had a few inches on Warren, and the blonde was stretching his head up, his long blonde bangs falling across his sculpted face almost seductively, his generous lips just begging to be kissed.
"Because, Scott, I-"
"Hey, guys, what's up?"
Faster than even Quicksilver could, the two separated, Warren spinning around, wide-eyed, to face Bobby Drake, who had a goofy grin plastered all over his goofy little face. Romantic that I am, I cursed the boy to hell. They were so close!
Hell, this shit is better than *Days of Our Lives*, Professor. Yeah, so I watch that, too. Fuck off.
Cyclops cleared his throat behind Warren, and Warren had a look in his eye that was as deadly as Cyclops' own gaze. Bobby either didn't notice or chose not to.
"Hey, me and Hank are gonna go hang out at the bar tonight, you guys wanna come?" Bobby asked cheerfully. Ignorance truly is bliss, eh, Professor?
"You know, Bobby, once in a while, you should try knocking-" Warren began dangerously until Cyclops stepped in front of him, cutting him off.
"Sure, let's go, Bobby. I could use a good drink," Scott said calmly, heading over to where Bobby stood.
"Coming, Wings?" Bobby asked with that same infuriating smile.
Warren was inexplicably hurt. Scott was making an *effort* to blow off their moment. An effort to put distance between them. And Warren knew how close they had come...
"Fine, fine. Just give me a half-hour to clean up first," Warren sighed, masking his pain very well. Until you looked in his eyes. He didn't do so well with rejection.
"Knowing you, Warren, it'll be two hours. You're as bad as a woman," Bobby snorted good-naturedly. "Just hurry up, will ya?"
Warren glanced back at Scott, who was as impassive as stone, as emotionless as a rock. Warren swallowed, and looked hurt again for a brief moment, but then he turned his face and walked out of the control room.
Bobby blinked, noting how tense Scott was, and that Warren looked hurt for some reason, proving he wasn't completely dense. "Hey, Scott, everything fine between you guys? Did you fight again?" Iceman asked.
"Something like that. See you in an hour, when Warren's ready," Scott said coldly, proving that yes indeed, he could even make Bobby shiver with his voice. The tall brunette stalked out.
"I feel like I missed something important," Bobby mumbled to himself before following suit.
So here I am, Professor. I don't interfere with people's relationships, I learned better years ago. But I wanted to share with you that things are getting a little tense between Scott and Warren. Maybe you could talk to them?
Yeah, I figured you'd say that, Professor, but there's the latest update on the latest episode of *All My Children of the Atom*.
But it leaves me wondering, as I head over to another corner to lurk in, what would have happened, had Bobby not walked in? Would Cyclops have truly rejected Angel, accepted him, or something else entirely?
Yeah, I knew you would say that, Professor. No telepath ever shares the juicy details.
I think I'll go watch *Steel Magnolias* or something.
That's a joke.
Why does it bother me so much, that they keep missing their chances? That Scott remains untouchable, and Warren desperate to touch? That they're so close, yet so far away?
I sneak into Rogue's room, finding the only true love of my life spread out on her bed, wearing next to nothing as she sleeps. The male part of me admires her beauty, wishing to touch Rogue for a simple joining flash of pleasure with her. But my heart aches, because I can't touch her, because she won't let me close to her....
I love her, Professor. I love her with all my heart, but she's afraid of me, afraid of how deeply I could hurt her. Afraid to touch me, to get close to me, because part of her thinks it's wrong.
And I think that's why Scott and Warren bother me so much. Because Scott feels the same way about Warren that Rogue feels about me.
Me and Warren, we're the same, see. We love what we cannot touch.
And it won't just go away for either of us.