Title: Ghosts of the past 2

Author: Morgana (morganalebeau@yahoo.com)

Website: http://www.oocities.org/morganalebeau/

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Ghosts of the past

By Morgana

 

Chapter Six

Lonely in your nightmare
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

As Remy woke the next morning, he immediately noticed the absence of Logan's warm body. After last night's incident he had slept peacefully due to exhaustion. He still vividly remembered the saddened expression in Logan's blue eyes.
Raising one hand he cautiously touched his left cheek. His jaw still sting and his skin tingled. He took his time to sit upright and cringed, feeling the tense muscles in his back where his body had crashed into the wall. He hoped he would never have to square off against Logan in a one on one fight.
Placing his feet on the floor he tried to rise from the bed and succeeded. Although he was still a little wobbly on his feet, Remy managed to walk into the bathroom. His memories started to return slowly and he realized that Logan had placed him in the bathtub in an attempt to raise his body temperature. Surprised, he noticed that Logan had cleaned up after him as there were no more wet clothes lying around.
Remy splashed his face with cold water and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Tired red on black eyes stared back at him. The left side of his face had turned all black and blue. "Merde," he sighed, hoping no one would ask him what had caused this injury.
Startled, he remembered that Logan had told him that the professor wanted to talk to him. //Don' want to talk to him!// he thought fatigued. //Mais Logan threatened to carry me to de mansion? and de homme might actually do it!//
Too tired to change his clothes, he only ran his fingers through his hair and then proceeded into the corridor. As he descended down the stairs, he gradually became aware of Logan's presence. //He still feels guilty for last night!// Remy realized surprised. He didn't hold anything against Logan, knowing only too well how horribly nightmares could torment a person. Remy LeBeau had had his share of them during his life.
His sharp hearing and sense of smell told him that Remy was approaching and Logan flipped over the last pancake. He'd wanted to wake Remy after he'd finished preparing breakfast anyway. "Sit down, Cajun."
"Why did you let me sleep dis late?" Remy whispered and hid the discomfort his jaw was causing him. He was definitely NOT looking forward to chewing the food Logan had prepared. "I ain' hungry."
"Ya'll eat!" Logan gave him a menacing look. Remy however, smiled in return.
"Dat don't scare me!" Remy gestured towards Logan's face. The eyes might try to disguise any concern, but he was sensing the older man's true feelings.
"Start eatin'." Unceremoniously, Logan shoved the bacon and eggs onto Remy's plate. "And eat it all!"
"All?" Remy smiled, relieved that Logan wasn't making a big deal out of last night. He waited until his friend had joined him and then started to eat hesitantly.
But Logan noticed the pained expression in the red on black eyes. "Jaw still troublin' ya?"
"A li'l," Remy admitted, "mais mon back?"
Logan got to his feet and came to a stand still behind Remy's chair.
"What are you doin', mon ami?" Remy asked nervously. It never mattered who stood behind him, it always made him damn uncomfortable.
"Where does it hurt?"
Remy twisted his arm a little, reached behind his back and indicated a spot right beneath his left shoulder blade. "Don' worry about it, homme. Henri can take care of it."
"Lemme have a quick look," Logan said in a firm tone.
"Dat ain' necessary," Remy protested weakly, but Logan pulled the shirt over his head anyway. Agile fingers moved over his back and he barely repressed a soft moan, as gentle fingertips examined bruised skin.
Logan realized that his blow had carried great strength. The Cajun was a tough one, bearing the pain without complaining about it. His sensitive fingers located a knot of tense muscles and started kneading them. "How does this feel, kid?"
"Beaucoup better," Remy sighed. Closing his eyes he relaxed underneath the massage. Being touched like this almost made getting slammed into the wall worthwhile. //And it ain' my charm power urgin' him to do dis.// That was the strangest realization. Logan was doing this because he wanted to do it!
But that realization brought forth another? one that actually embarrassed and even scared him a little. He loved the feel of those strong fingers running across his back, easing the pain. He'd always respected Logan and couldn't deny that he'd always felt akin to the older man.
Maybe he liked Logan a little too much. Could it be that?? //Non!// he thought shocked, //Can' be fallin' in love wid him! Only days ago Rogue?// The name made him tremble violently.
Love? was he really falling in love with Logan? It would only cause him problems and pain. Logan didn't even like men! Storm had told him the little she knew. Apparently, the Canadian had been in love twice? he struggled to remember the names. //Silver fox and Mariko? Non, doesn' sound like he likes hommes!//
"Remy?" Worried, Logan waited for some kind of response. He'd just asked Remy a question, but the young man seemed lost in thought. "Remy!" he said a little harder, squeezing the right, uninjured shoulder a little.
That brought Remy back to the present. "Sorry, homme, wasn' listenin'." His mind was a mess, as his thoughts kept revolving about the man standing behind him. //Can never tell him dat I like him in dat way. Don' know how he'll react? will have to keep it a secret. Wouldn' be fair towards Rogue eider? Would look like I'm tradin' Rogue in for Wolverine?//
Concerned, Logan lowered his head until he caught Remy's eyes with his. "What is it, Cajun? Yer broodin'!"
Remy nodded his head. "Il n'est pas important. Forget it." Remy grabbed the shirt and put it on. Suddenly, his appetite had gone and he wanted to return to his bedroom, lock the door and never leave again. Logan was so damn perceptive and would surely notice that something was wrong with his enhanced senses. Privately, Remy cursed.
Acting without thinking, Remy drowned the orange juice and forced himself to eat two pancakes. His stomach protested and he dropped the fork. "J'ai eu assez to eat," Remy whispered, shoved back his chair and walked over to the doorway.
"I also got black coffee," Logan said, amazed at Remy's sudden retreat. The Cajun's scent had changed and he was picking up fear. What had caused it?
"I'm goin' to change my clothes," Remy said nervously.
"Okay." Logan checked the time. It was 11.30. "But don't take too long. Hank's expectin' us at 1200 hours."
"I'll hurry," Remy promised and started to climb the stairs. Halfway through, he had to pause as his heart was pounding in his throat. But it wasn't exhaustion that was causing this. It was fear. He was scared that Logan would find out the truth about his feelings //Would lose de one friend I have!//
As he reached the bedroom, he dragged his drained body over to the bed and sat down. When had it happened? When had it started? When had he fallen in love with Wolverine? Almost unnoticed or? had he ignored it subconsciously?
//Need to get dressed,// he reminded himself and pulled a pair of jeans and a black shirt from the drawer. He didn't bother to go into the bathroom to change his clothes and slipped into them within seconds. After putting on some socks, he grabbed a pair of boots.
He really didn't want to go to the mansion. Even less, he wanted Henri to examine him. But Logan's concern told him that the man wouldn't give in until McCoy had him in the med lab. How much he hated that place! It brought back bad memories.
"Ready to go, bub?" Intrigued, Logan walked into the bedroom.
"Non," Remy said in an unguarded moment.
"What is it about the mansion that makes ya this uncomfortable?" Logan handed him a coat and waited for the young man to put it on.
"Don' want to see?"
"Rogue?" Logan finished for him.
Remy nodded his head. "And de oders."
"Want me to stay when Hank examines you?" Logan offered in an attempt to make up for last night.
Remy wasn't sure what to say. //Want you close, oui, mais?// Peeking at Logan he realized how much he'd loved sleeping in those strong arms. //Better not think dat way! He might grow suspicious?//
And yes, Logan noticed the withdrawn expression. Why was Gambit keeping him at a distance? He was severely tempted to ask that question, but decided against it. "Let's go."
"If I have to," Remy protested one last time and walked away from Logan.
"Ya didn't answer my question." Logan fell in to step beside him and continued to observe Remy closely. One way or the other, he was going to get that answer.
The closer they got to the mansion, the more uncomfortable Remy started to feel. Suddenly, he halted in his tracks as something warned him not to go any closer.
"C'mon," Logan encouraged him, "Hank is waitin' for ya."
"I ain' sure dat I should go in dere," Remy objected, but as Logan grabbed his arm he had to give in and resumed walking.
"They won't bite," Logan paused, "and if ya want me to, I will keep Rogue away."
"Dat ain' it." Remy cringed as Logan's concern for him increased. He couldn't deal with that intense emotion!

Scott had been waiting for them and decided to meet them halfway. Just as he started to move Storm called him back. "Yes?" he said, turning around.
"I will accompany you," Storm announced regally and peeked at the silhouette of the two men approaching the mansion. "I'm nervous," she admitted in a flare of honesty.
Scott nodded his head. "I know what you mean." He'd talked to Jean all night long. Without her, he would be lost. He wanted to express his concerns to the others, but that meant admitting to the fact that he truly cared for the Cajun. Jean had pointed out to him that he was scared and he had laughed at that statement.
"You're afraid to lose a team member, but it goes deeper than that," she had said. "You lost many people you cared for and admitting that you care for Gambit makes you feel vulnerable."
His laugh had died instantly, knowing she was right. He cared about each and every one of them. Rogue, Warren, Jubilee, Storm, Gambit, Bobby, Hank? the professor and even Wolverine; everyone on the team. But showing it, admitting he had these feelings was something completely different.
"Scott?"
"Sorry, Ororo. I was thinking this situation over. Gambit?"
Storm interrupted him. "I worry about him too."
//Worry,// Scott thought privately. //I still can't say the words.// His eye caught movement and he realized that it was Rogue, looking down at them from her window. After the professor had told him about his conversation with Rogue he'd become restless. Rogue had hidden something from the professor and that made him suspicious.
//Concentrate on Remy,// reminded Jean her husband from a distance. //Remember what we discussed last night? You can tell him you care.//
//Not now, Jean!// he sent impatiently. Thankfully, she remained quiet and while looking at Storm, he took comfort in the fact that she was nervous too.

Logan disliked the growing agitation on Remy's face. Something was wrong, very wrong. "Talk to me, kid." From the corner of his eye he registered Storm and Scott walking up to them. "Yer among friends. Ya know that, Remy."
"That ain' it," Remy muttered. Something was pushing into his mind, invading it. It was a terrible feeling and he moaned softly. The pain was unlike anything he had ever felt before. It felt like Logan's concern had grown tenfold and was now pushing him down, laying itself like a veil over his mind, slowly suffocating him.
"Remy?" Logan grabbed the swaying Cajun and steadied him. Remy's face had grown incredibly pale and big eyes stared at him in absolute horror.
"What's wrong?" Scott and Storm immediately moved closer, in case Logan needed help.
//Gambit looks like shit,// Scott realized startled, noticing the bruises on Remy's face and wondered what had happened to put them there. Last night, he had been worried about the Cajun's health, but right now he wished the man already were in the med lab.
As Gambit crumbled in Logan's arms he deepened his contact with Jean. //Tell Hank that we need him in the med lab ASAP. Remy's about to lose unconsciousness.//
//Understood,// came her reply.
Remy sank to his knees, clutching his head between his hands. Logan was kneeling next to him, asking for his attention, but he couldn't focus on the older man. This concern, these feelings were crushing him. "Make it stop," he pleaded softly.
"Make what stop, kid?" Logan asked concerned. As he exchanged a look with Scott and Storm, he realized they were equally worried. Good, that meant Remy had more friends than the Cajun had thought.
"Yes, make what stop, Gambit?" Scott repeated Logan's question, hoping Remy would answer him.
Remy rested his head against a shoulder? //must be Logan?// part of his mind registered. The other part was about to implode with the feelings he was receiving. Biting his lip, blood appeared and the metal taste briefly brought him back to his senses.
Storm nodded her head as Logan lifted Remy in his arms. "Henry will find out what is wrong."
"Remy, talk to me!" Logan tried reaching the Cajun again. "Make what stop?"
Unable to focus his eyes, Remy tried to struggle free from the feelings. Storm's worry, Logan's concern and even Scott's made it hard for him to breathe. "De feelings," he yelped, "Make dem stop!"
"Feelings?" Storm said questioningly as he ran beside Logan.
"He's been actin' weird since I found him on that ledge yesterday," Logan explained in a heavy tone. "Hank better find out what's wrong with him."
" I will," Hank promised as the small group entered the med lab. Jean stood at his side, ready to assist him. "Please put him on the exam table and then I want all of you to leave the med lab."
"I'm stayin'!" Logan growled as he placed Remy's unconscious body on the exam table closest to Jean.
"No, my irritating friend," Hank started. "You will leave too! I need to concentrate!"
While vocally protesting Logan had to give in to Scott, who pulled him into the corridor.
"Henry is right," Storm said reassuringly. "We would only hamper him."
Logan crossed his arms, bared his teeth and started to pace the room in fearful apprehension.

 

Chapter Seven

Lonely in your nightmare
Even on the darkest night when empty promise means empty hand
And soldiers coming home like shadows turning red
When the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel I'll be in your head.
Because you're so lonely in your nightmare let me in
and it's cold out on your stone range let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter let me in
Duran Duran

Professor Xavier entered the med lab, after assuring Wolverine and the others that he would update them on Remy's condition as quickly as possible. Right now, Hank didn't want them in there, as he needed to concentrate, a decision Charles understood only too well. "Henry, are you making any progress?"
McCoy looked up from his patient, while taking a blood sample for the tests he wanted to run on Gambit. "I need at least one more hour to evaluate all test results," he informed the professor. Jean had already started on checking the CAT scans they had made.
"Is he still unconscious?" Charles took in his young student, apparently asleep on the exam table. The bruised face took him aback. A sense of stark failure moved through him, seeing the thin and mistreated form in front of him.
"I suspect that he will start waking up in a few minutes," Hank concluded, after studying the monitor. "You were right," he added. "Scott mentioned that Remy was begging them to take away the feelings."
"I knew he was an empath," Charles stated resolved. //But why didn't I detect it sooner?// Remy moaned softly and Charles asked Hank, "Would you please give us a moment? I need to ask him some questions."
Hank nodded his head. "I administered him a mild neural suppressant, which makes the weight of the feelings he's receiving more bearable."
Charles approved of that step and watched Hank return to Jean, whose facial expression was darkening. "Remy?" Charles said and closely observed the withdrawn face. //Remy?// he tried again, but this time sending the name out telepathically. Carefully, he probed the young man's mind and flinched. Gambit's mind was a tangled labyrinth.
Slowly, Remy partly opened his eyes. The lights weren't too bright and he opened them fully. A presence was near, but it wasn't Logan. //Mon Dieu, merci?// The feelings he was receiving were controlled and neutral, not causing him any pain.
Charles completed erecting a mental shield around Remy's mind that would protect the young man's mind from receiving too many feelings. The shield would only allow one person's emotions through. He couldn't block Remy's ability completely.
What did surprise him though was the fact that he suddenly had free access to Remy's mind. In the past, the Cajun's tight blockades had made that impossible. "I'm glad that you decided to come to the mansion, Remy."
"I ain'," Remy whispered. He wanted to return to the boathouse, far away from all these people and their emotions.
"You're in the med lab," Charles informed him. "You collapsed."
"I remember dat," Remy admitted and closed his eyes again. His face and back still ached and someone was pushing long needles into his head.
"You experienced sensory overload," Charles explained, trying hard not to peek at Gambit's thoughts. He wanted permission first. "Logan, Storm and Scott are outside."
"Logan aussi?" Remy couldn't help it. He needed to know the man was near. Logan was the only one who made him feel safe.
"Yes," Charles confirmed. "Remy, do you know why you collapsed? And be honest with me, young man. We only want to help."
Remy hesitated, but knew he needed help in dealing with this. "My? powers changed."
"Yes?" Curiously Charles smiled, eager for his student to continue.
"My charm's gone." Remy bit his lip. Had he ever told the professor or the others about his charm power?
"Your what?" Charles grew angry with himself. Had he shown so little interest in Gambit that he didn't know what powers this young man possessed?
"Charm has always been ennui ? Sometimes I could control it, but dere were times when?"
Charles caught a mental image from Remy's mind, which he couldn't lock out and understood. "And it has changed? In what way?"
"It's allé? no longer dere?" Remy whispered and slowly cocked his head to establish eye contact with the professor. "Instead I'm receivin' sentiments ? know how you feel, m'sieur."
"I expected this all along," Charles sighed and rubbed his brow. "But the thing that mystifies me is, how did this change come about?"
"Started after? Antarctica?" Remy whispered in a choked tone. //Please, professor,// he thought distressed, //Can' deal wid de feelings? please help me.//
A little surprised, Charles nodded his head reassuringly. "I will help you."
"Merci," Remy sighed relieved. His head lolled to the right and a strangled sob left his lips.
"Remy, I know you're hurting," Charles started and resolved, placed his right hand on Gambit's. The young man's eyes flashed open at the contact and Charles said soothingly, "We will help you master your new gift, but first? I need to ask you a very big favor."
Remy's eyes carried fear and apprehension. "Don't be afraid, Remy. I'm not going to hurt you, but? I need to know what happened in Antarctica if you want me to help you."
"Non!" Remy exclaimed upset. He didn't want the professor to see what pain he had caused so many years ago. He still felt ashamed for letting Sinister? //NON!// he screamed. He didn't want to think about Sinister!
"Calm down," Charles whispered in a hypnotizing tone. "Let me help you."
But Remy still objected. "Don' do dis, m'sieur. My past ain' pretty."
"Remy," Charles sighed, angry with himself for letting the young man believe that he was to blame for everything that had happened in the past. "I only want to know what happened after the X-Men left the citadel, when you and Rogue were alone."
"Not dat," Remy said pleadingly.
"I need to know what happened. I talked to Rogue and? " Charles noticed the shock in those alien eyes. "I want to help you."
"I know dat," Remy replied in a shy tone. He sensed Xavier's sincerity. "Mais?
"Trust me, Remy. I know that you don't trust easily, but give me this one chance." Charles hoped Remy would consent to this. If not? he wasn't sure he could trust Rogue to act for the good of the team during future missions. "I am not going to look at anything else in your mind." He knew Remy was keeping too many secrets and wanted the young man to start dealing with them.
Remy realized that he couldn't block the professor in his present state. Xavier could reach into his mind and take whatever information he needed. He was used to people taking advantage of him, exploiting his weaknesses. //Better go along? den it won' hurt dat bad.//
Charles read the permission in Gambit's mind, but that wasn't enough. "I want your explicit permission, Remy."
"Do it, m'sieur," Remy stuttered. His hands grabbed the sides of the exam table and his eyes closed in fear.
"I won't go into your mind when you're this afraid, Remy." Charles shook his head. "Is there anything that would make you feel more comfortable doing this?"
Remy didn't trust his voice to speak and thought, //Can Logan stay?//
"Logan?" The request surprised Charles. "Of course, if that's what you want, Remy."
"Merci," Remy mumbled thankfully.
//Logan, would you please join us in the med lab?// Charles sent into the Canadian's mind. He didn't have to wait long. Logan stormed into the med lab. Charles smiled a little, seeing the worried expression on Wolverine's face and realized it had been a good choice to erect that temporary shield, protecting Remy's mind.
"What!" Logan exclaimed, but sighed relieved as Remy's eyes fixed on him. The kid seemed all right. "Why did ya call me here?" he asked the professor.
"Remy here gave me permission to enter his mind. I need to know the truth if I'm to really help him. He wants you to?" Charles carefully chose his words. "To watch over him."
Deeply touched by Gambit's trust in him, Logan nodded his head. "I'm here, kid. Ya know that."
Remy wanted to say merci, but Logan stopped him. "It's okay, bub. Just try to relax. Ya know Chuck here wants to help ya."
"M'sieur?" Remy whispered the word and waited until Charles' eyes had locked with his. "Can Logan? see what happened too?" He didn't know why he had made that request.
"Yes." Charles wondered about Remy. First, the young had been determined not to let anyone in and now? "Logan, please sit down," and he gestured at the chair at Remy's bedside.
Logan obeyed and sat down. For some reason he gently took hold of Remy's hand. //Just want him to know that everythin' will be aright,// he told himself privately.
"I'm ready," Remy whispered, feeling terribly uncomfortable. But Logan's presence was sufficient to make him comply.
"Tell me to stop and I will stop," Charles assured his student and Remy nodded absentmindedly. "Don't be afraid," Charles repeated and concentrated on establishing a temporary link. //Show me what happened, Remy.//
Flying through Remy's memories Charles concentrated on finding the right moment in time. //We're getting close,// he informed Remy, who wasn't responding. //Remy?// As Gambit didn't answer, Charles realized that although Remy had given him permission, the Cajun had retreated from his past. He was alone, but Logan's mind arrived a moment later.
//Where's Remy?// Logan asked, taking in Charles' appearance who now STOOD in front of him.
//He won't accompany us. He's afraid.// Charles gestured Logan to follow him as they walked through the citadel.
//Ya know where we're goin'?//
//Yes, I do.// Charles pointed out the scene in front of them. Most X-Men who had been held prisoner here by Eric the Red had escaped through Betsy's shadow walking, but? //Look over there,// Charles alerted Logan.
In the distance, Rogue grabbed Gambit and pulled him along into the air with her.
//We need to get closer. I want to hear what they're saying.// Charles took a step and seemed to levitate, the air supporting their forms. Logan followed gingerly. Finally, they were close enough to hear Rogue's words.
"Ah won't leave you to die here, swamp rat, even if you want me to."
//She told me that Remy's feelings had invaded her being and that she felt like having no choice. Rogue left him because Remy's feelings were too strong for her to fight,// Charles informed Logan. Not getting a reply, he looked at Wolverine. Shocked, Logan was trying hard to find his way in Remy's mindscape. //Don't fight it,// Charles advised, //Go with the natural flow. You have no influence here. We're only spectators.//
//Don't understand why the kid wants me here in the first place,// Logan confessed and shivered seeing the ice surrounding the citadel. //How did he survive?//
//We will find out in time, now watch!// Charles berated him and concentrated on Remy's memories again. Rogue and Gambit were flying only a few feet in front of them and they could hear every word the couple shared. Remy spoke first.
"Rogue? I?. Thanks for believin' in me. I promise what I was ain't what I
am now."
Logan cringed hearing that admission. //He likes bein' a martyr.//
//You might have a valid point there,// Charles admitted as he started to realize that Rogue had been lying to him in his study. //Remy's feelings aren't controlling her!// he thought privately.
Rogue suddenly let go of his hand and acting on instinct, Logan wondered if he could catch the falling Cajun. Rogue's words however, shocked him.
"Who said Ah BELIEVE you, Remy?"
//She can't be that cruel!// Logan thought and looked at Xavier. //Are ya sure this really happened?//
//This is the ultimate truth, I'm afraid,// Charles explained. //Gambit can't lie to us here.// Both men cringed at hearing the despair and shock in Gambit's voice as he cried out her name.
"Rogue?!"
Logan's heart throbbed in sympathy for the Cajun, who hit the snow and fell down a
short hill. The expression in those red on black eyes almost made him go berserk with rage. Had Rogue really done this?
"Ah jus' said Ah wouldn't let ya DIE in there. Out here, it's up t' YOU whether you live or die. Ah don't care anymore."
//Professor?// Logan said pleadingly. //I can't believe this! Rogue always said she loved him.//
//I don't understand this either,// Charles sighed, //but we'll have to accept the truth. She consciously made the decision to leave him here to die.//
Logan was about to ask Charles to let him out of this hellhole of memories as Remy's pleading voice reached him.
"Fine, then. I've earned your hatred. But at least get me somewhere that'll give me a chance ta get back home."
//No!// Logan exclaimed privately? //she can't deny him that!// But she did.
"Home? You ain't got no home, sugah. Not with me... not with the X-Men. Fend for yourself. You seem to have done a good job of that in the past."
//I understand now?// Logan rubbed his temples? that's why he thinks we don't want him no more? Damn ya, Rogue!//
//Stay in control of your feelings!// Charles admonished him. //We're inside Remy's mind!//
Gritting his teeth Logan watched on. //She signed his death sentence!// He wasn't sure what he would do the next time they met.
"But...I LOVE you," Gambit said in shock.
Saddened, Charles shook his head, finally understanding why Gambit had decided to move into the boathouse, living as a hermit. But the scene hadn't ended yet and he forced himself to watch it to the bitter end.
"You're honest with people you love Gambit. Otherwise... it's a gamble," Rogue said as she flew off.
//She wanted him dead,// Logan commented. //Look at him! Gambit doesn't even have a shirt on! He will freeze to death and she KNOWS it!//
//Please, no more, m'sieur? stop it?//
Charles grabbed Logan's arm and watched the mindscape turn black. //Remy wants us to leave now.//
//How did he survive?// Logan wondered.
//I don' know?// came Remy's pleading voice.
Cold and darkness closed in on them and Charles decided that it had been enough. Taking Logan's presence with him, he struggled to find a way out of Remy's swamped memories.
Logan opened his eyes and drew a deep breath. Being inside Remy's mind had shocked him. "Yer okay?" he asked concerned.
Hot tears made their way down Remy's face as he shook his head. "Non, not okay?"
"Thank you, Remy." Charles soothingly rubbed Remy's brow, reached out and calmed the surface of Gambit's troubled mind. "Rest now."
Logan couldn't sit back and watch the Cajun cry softly. He changed position and sat down on the exam table. "Come here, bub." Gently, he pulled Remy upright and folded his arms around him.
Remy sobbed softly, trying to hold back the pain, but it had been released and refused to go be buried again. "Don' blame Rogue, don'?"
"Sssshhhtt," Logan whispered as he stroked Gambit's back. "Chuck is right. Ya need to rest."
Charles leaned back and processed everything he had learned. He had to talk to Rogue again and confront her with the truth, but? he couldn't leave Remy alone right now. The young man's mind was too fragile.
"Professor?" Henry had watched everything with growing concern. "We need to discuss some discoveries I made."
"Of course," Charles sighed, postponing his talk with Rogue until Remy was taken care off. As he followed McCoy, he looked at Logan and Remy. Logan was still holding the younger man, whispering soft words that the Cajun wasn't registering. //Remy needs all the support he can get and Logan might be the one person to pull him through.//

 

Chapter Eight

Lady Ice
Lady Ice slips into her soul
Lady Ice leaves a house so cold
Lady Ice did you know that the world was lonely too?
Duran Duran

Hank glanced over at Remy and Logan to make sure that his patient couldn't hear him.
"What did you discover?" Charles asked, seeing Jean's apprehensive expression. This wasn't good news.
"THIS is what we found after examining the CAT scans and X-rays," Hank sighed and pressed a button to show the professor what he was talking about.
"What's that?" Puzzled, Charles stared at the screen.
"It's a metal object, cylinder shaped and located underneath his right ear," Hank explained and magnified the image. "It wasn't there the last time I gave him a complete physical."
"When was that?" Charles tried to make sense of this new development.
"Six months ago. After he returned from Antarctica he refused to submit to any tests."
Hank and Jean exchanged a look and she took over. "But there's more. This cylinder releases certain chemical substances at regular intervals."
"What substances?" Charles straightened out his shoulders. Was this why Remy had been so depressed and even suicidal? Why hadn't the Cajun asked McCoy to remove it or didn't he know it was embedded in his tissue? Hank started to sum up the names of several chemical substances and Charles grew impatient. "What do they do? In what way are they affecting Gambit?"
Jean answered him in a soft tone. "The dose is much too high for his body to process. They create a chemical imbalance in his brain, causing depression. If we don't remove it, he might become paranoid and schizophrenic."
"That explains it," Charles mumbled as he cocked his head to get a better view of the device displayed on the screen. "Surgery?"
"Yes," Hank confirmed. "I'm going to surgically remove it. Jean will assist me."
"Do you expect any complications?" Charles asked concerned.
"No, it isn't embedded that deeply. Surgery should only take an hour," Jean replied. "But we are going to put him out first."
"Wise decision," Charles agreed. "But Gambit deserves to know what we discovered."
"Maybe we should inform him after the operation?" Jean suggested. "We would only aggravate him and considering his present state of mind?"
Charles had to admit that she'd made a valid point. Looking at McCoy, he asked, "What do you think would be best?"
"I agree with Jean," Hank admitted in a fatigued tone. "We shouldn't add to his confusion. But what I want to know is? who planted that device there in the first place?"
"You're right. We need that answer." Charles looked away from the screen and at Jean. "I need to talk to Rogue, but I'm reluctant to leave Remy."
"We'll take care of him," Hank assured him and gestured the professor to accompany him to Remy's exam bed. "I will tell him that he needs to sleep. That should work." Hank halted to prepare a syringe, which would put his patient to sleep.
"You will notify me the moment he regains consciousness?" Charles still wondered about Remy's request to have Logan close. He was missing something here. Yes, he could read Remy's mind and find out, but that would be a violation.
Logan had eased the younger man back onto the exam bed and was tightly controlling his rage. Rogue had tried to kill a team-mate! Remy's tired eyes locked with his and he forced himself to smile. "Everythin' will be just fine, bub," he said reassuringly and was relieved that things were in the open now.
"You really think so, mon ami?" Remy shook his head. "I still can' believe you're takin' care of me."
Experiencing Remy's memories had finally made him understand why it was so hard for the Cajun to understand that they did care. "Yer an X-Man!" Logan silenced Gambit with a glare. "Don't argue! Just accept the truth, kid!"
Remy smiled weakly. "You're a bon ami, Logan."
"That's what friends are for," Logan remarked, but knew what Remy was trying to say. "And I ain't yer only friend. Ya know that the rest cares as well."
Remy didn't react; instead he focused on Hank and the professor. Seeing the syringe he trembled. He hated needles. Why couldn't HE leave him alone? Every time he saw a needle or medical equipment his heart started to pound.
"Relax, kid," Logan muttered, smelling the rising fear on the young man.
"Logan is right," Hank started. "Gambit, you need to sleep and you're too upset to do that. This is just a mild sedative and you will wake up in a few hours." Hank tried hard to radiate trust and assurance. "We will take care of you, Remy." He wouldn't administer the drug without Gambit's consent, offering him some degree of control. Hopefully that would reassure Remy enough to go along with the procedure.
Remy nodded his head. There wasn't much he could do to stop them anyway. "Will you be here when I wake up?" he asked Logan in a hesitant tone, hoping the man didn't realize the real reason behind the request. If he had ever doubted being in love with Logan, he knew for sure now. He needed Logan close, touching his skin, emanating those warm feelings. Mon Dieu, he needed the man!
Logan watched closely as Hank carefully inserted the needle underneath the skin of Remy's hand.
"I'm also going to start an IV," Hank said softly.
"Why?" Logan's eyes narrowed. They were up to something!
Hank waited until Gambit's eyes had closed. After ensuring that Remy was asleep he sought out Logan's eyes. "We discovered a foreign object underneath his ear," and he indicated the spot with a finger. "We need to remove it."
"Foreign object? What the hell is goin' on!" Logan demanded to know. No one was going to touch Gambit before they had explained this to him in detail.
Jean had walked up to him and now took hold of his arm. "Come on, I will show you what we found."
Logan followed her, but continued to keep a close eye on Remy.

As the professor left the med lab, an impatient crowd immediately surrounded him. Storm, Scott and even Bobby had been waiting for him.
"How is he doing, sir?" Scott asked concerned, remembering the terrible way Gambit had looked as he had collapsed. Jean had been quiet and seemed unwilling to inform him of Remy's present condition and he respected that. The fact that they were married didn't mean that she should throw the principle of doctor-patient confidentiality overboard.
"We might have discovered why Gambit has been acting this? odd lately," Charles informed them. "Hank is going to perform minor surgery on Remy. I'm very optimistic that he will make a full recovery within a few days."
"Goddess? thank you?" Storm muttered and dropped onto a chair. "I feared for him."
"We all did," Scott said in a momentarily outburst of passion. Jean would have been proud of him. Finally, he was admitting he had felt concerned.
Relieved, Bobby sighed as well. "But sir, you should know that Rogue? she started to pack when Logan carried Remy inside. She's leaving."
"I'm on my way to see her now." Charles looked up at Scott. "As team-leader you should be present as well."
"I will accompany you then, sir," Scott stated. He'd sensed something was wrong ever since the professor had informed him of Rogue's insincerity.
"How long will surgery take?" Bobby asked as he took a seat next to Storm.
"An hour, maybe longer." Charles and Scott walked over to the doorway, but before he left, Charles addressed Storm. "Remy needs to see a friendly face when he wakes up."
"Goddess, I'll never forgive myself for not being there for him when he needed me," she whispered upset. "He saved my life once."
"Don't worry," Bobby said soothingly. "Gambit's tough. Sir, where's Logan?" He'd wondered about the Canadian. Storm had told him that Logan had been called inside, but hadn't emerged again.
Charles wavered. "Remy feels more comfortable when Logan's close."
Scott raised an eyebrow. He'd already picked up on that yesterday from that short visit. Logan had been extremely protective of Gambit. "Shall we go now?"
Charles was about to nod his head as the door opened. Logan emerged from the med lab. His eyes simmered with fierce emotion and he'd bared his teeth. "Logan," Charles said calmly. "You're not going to talk to Rogue."
"Don't go there," Logan growled. "She wanted to kill him!" Shocked, Scott, Storm and Bobby stared at him. "Yeah!" Logan exclaimed. "She left him there to die! Rogue decided that Remy no longer belonged with the X-Men? I was in Remy's mind?. I saw the look in her eyes!"
Charles knew he needed to do something but?
"Logan, my friend, come, sit with us." Storm rested a hand on his arm, but he pulled back. She had seen this particular expression on his face before. "Control, my friend."
Her calm and regal voice brought him back to his senses. "I want to be there when ya talk to her," he stated and challenged Xavier to deny him.
"I advice against it," Scott said, once more completely in control of his emotions.
But Xavier knew that Logan wouldn't accept no and decided otherwise. "You will let me do the talking. Furthermore, you won't threaten her, understood?"
"Yeah, whatever! We're wastin' time!" Logan pushed Scott aside and climbed the stairs.
Quickly, Scott and the professor followed.

Rogue had packed her bag and decided against staying at the mansion any longer. Gambit was down in the med lab and Logan's angry growl warned her that she was in trouble. As she opened the window to fly away, the door was kicked open.
"What did ya think ya were doin'?" Logan growled and fought the urge to extend his claws.
"Logan, get back in line!" Charles commanded. Reluctantly, Logan obeyed. //Scott, keep an eye on him.//
Scott nodded his head once and stepped in front of Logan, blocking his way. The professor had shown him telepathically what they had seen in Remy's mind and agreed with Xavier. Rogue had a lot of explaining to do! "We know what happened in Antarctica, Rogue."
Briefly, her face contorted. "What do ya know, Sugah?"
"Remy asked ya to give him a chance and ya?" Suddenly speechless, Logan blinked his eyes. "Ya left him there to die!"
"He deserved to die?" Rogue grabbed her bag. A smile had returned to her face. Scott's remark had worried her at first, but apparently they didn't know that much after all. They had come to confront her about Remy. Fine, she was still safe. They didn't know the whole truth, didn't know about her alliance with HIM.
"Ya don't make such a decision!" Logan chided her.
//Enough!//
Charles' mental command sliced through his mind and infuriated, Logan turned around. "Stay outa my mind?"
"I suggest you calm down." Charles ignored Logan and focused his attention on Rogue. "Why did you lie to me? Remy's feelings weren't influencing you."
"Ah got my reasons," Rogue said and stepped up onto the windowsill. "Ah am leaving now? won't be back until swamp rat is outa the mansion. Ya're making a mistake by taking him in. He's a liar!"
Scott held Logan back as the Canadian's claws appeared. "Logan? get out of the room!"
"Forget it, bub!" Logan tried pushing Scott away, but the man held his ground. About to lash out, he was taken aback by Scott's voice.
"Don't do this, Logan. Think of Remy. He needs you. Let US deal with Rogue. Remy needs you." Scott hoped he'd said the right thing. He wasn't good at this emotional crap, but?
The claws vanished. Remy's name had actually calmed him down. For once, Scott was fuckin' right! "We're not through yet!" he told Rogue and then stormed into the corridor. Damned! Scott was right. Remy needed him and he had left the med lab to confront her.
Relieved, Charles realized that Logan was once more on his way to the med lab to check on the progress Hank and Jean were making. Rogue was about to fly away and? //Rogue, I tried to help you when you needed me. Tried to help you control your abilities. Why are you turning on us? We're the closest thing you have to a family.//
Scott had overheard that remark and agreed. "I thought you loved Gambit." The mere thought of leaving Jean in Antarctica because she had made a mistake as a teenager made him shake his head. "I could never do that to a person I love." But she had.
"Maybe it's me who no longer has a home with the X-Men," Rogue said in an odd tone. "Ah am leavin'? and don't track me down!" She took off, dragging the bag behind her.
"I don't think so," Scott whispered. "We should keep an eye on her."
"Yes, we need to know where she's going." Charles sighed. "We should check on Gambit now. I hope surgery went well."
"Professor? there's something I don't understand," Scott remarked as he walked beside the wheel chair.
"What is it?"
"Why does she suddenly? hate Gambit?" He hesitated to use the word hate, but? "Do you think she ever loved him?"
"I know she did," Charles whispered in a melancholy tone. "A few times I sensed her love for him, but that has changed. Her mind was cold when I touched it."
"Cold?" Scott laughed slightly embittered. "We know what happened in Antarctica between Rogue and Gambit, but?
//We still don't know WHY she acted that way,// Charles finished for him. //I doubt she will tell us.//
"We should concentrate on Gambit," Scott muttered. "How did that object end up underneath his skin?"
"You don't ask easy questions, Scott," Charles sighed. "Maybe we'll have to enter Remy's mind again to find out. But first, we're going to find Logan. You handled his outburst very well."
"Thank you," Scott smiled weakly. "I've been talking to Jean about being a better team leader."
Charles' smile was genuine as he studied his student. "You are an excellent team leader and now? let's go and check on the team."

 

Chapter Nine

Damaged
Waiting for the feeling to subside
Paranoid, I melt into myself
They say I'm to reach inside and find
The broken part of my machinery
Queensryche

Storm tenderly caressed Remy's brow, relieved that surgery had been successful. While still in the waiting area she had privately prayed to the goddess for Remy's recovery and he had pulled through. The incision Hank had made to remove the cylinder had been bandaged. Remy looked too vulnerable so. . ."Weak."
"I know, 'Ro," Logan whispered. With his back he leaned against the wall. Storm had hurried into the med lab the moment Hank had given them permission to see Remy.
One hour had now passed and Remy was still asleep. Although the anaesthetic had long worn off, exhaustion kept the Cajun from waking up.
"But at least Hank removed the damned cylinder and he can start to heal."
"Who wants to hurt him like this?" Storm asked Logan. "Someone must have placed it underneath his skin!"
Logan shrugged his shoulders. "I've been thinkin' about that too," he admitted and wished he could smoke in here. He craved a cigar! "There ain't that many names that pop up."
Storm's eyes darkened. "I've only been able to come up with one." Slowly, almost reverently, she rose from the chair and walked over to Logan. "Sinister."
"Yeah," Logan growled. That name had been very high on his list too. "Would be like the bastard to move in when Remy's helpless."
"But how did he know that Remy was there? Alone and helpless?" Storm shook her head. "We're missing an awful lot of pieces to this puzzle." Smiling weakly, her glance shifted from Remy back to Logan. "Are you going to stay here with him? You have been at his side this entire time."
"I plan on stayin'," Logan admitted. "Got some questions to ask the kid and there are some things he needs to know. Hank and Jean want to tell him about the operation and they want me present."
Storm felt relieved. Her friend was in good hands. "I will be back later."
"Don't worry, 'Ro. I will look after him."
"I know you will, Logan." Storm walked to the doorway and glanced one more time at the thief. "Sleep, my friend. You need rest."
Logan approached the bed after Storm had left the room and stared down at the young Cajun. Hank had shown him the cylinder they had removed and while gritting his teeth, his left hand stroked Remy's brow. "Did Sinister get to ya?"
The sound of Logan's voice made Remy stir. He didn't want to wake up. His sleep had been peaceful and refreshing.
"Remy?"
Hearing his name urged him to peek through half closed eyelids. "Logan?" he whispered reassured. The older man had kept his word and was still here. "Why do I feel. . .sick?" Remy fought the urge to spill his guts and struggled to keep a moan from fleeing his lips. His neck ached and the skin underneath his ear itched. As he wanted to touch it, he realized that he was wearing a medical gown. "Logan,
why. . .?" Pleadingly, he stared up at Logan.
"Give me a sec," Logan sighed and called Jean. //He's awake.//
//We'll be with you in a moment.// Jean replied and signalled Hank to follow her. "Our patient just woke up."
Hank closed the file he had been updating and rubbed the bridge of his noose. "We need to be careful when telling Gambit what we found."
Jean agreed. "Thankfully, Remy seems to trust Logan. His presence will reassure Gambit."
Remy noticed the soft footfalls amidst of his nausea and cringed seeing Hank and Jean. What had happened during his sleep? As he moved his hand to examine his throat, he discovered the bandage. Panicking, he stared at Logan.
"Just listen to them, kid." Logan took hold of Remy's left hand and rubbed the knuckles. "Ya trust me. Ya should trust them too."
Remy couldn't speak, couldn't think. All he felt were Logan's fingers stroking his skin. The Canadian was the one thing that kept him from going insane.
Jean sensed Gambit's horror and smiled reassuringly. "Don't be scared," she started and took Remy's other hand between hers. Thankfully, the shield the professor had erected held back her feelings and Jean addressed him in a soft voice. "You have been feeling depressed lately, haven't you?"
Remy nodded his head. "Oui. . ." and shifted closer to Logan. Why had he ever agreed to coming to the med lab?
"Listen to her, kid," Logan encouraged him. "I promise that everything will be fine in the end."
Remy swallowed hard and waited for Jean to continue. The fact that both Logan and Jean were holding his hand embarrassed him a little.
"There's a reason why you're feeling like this." Hank took over and placed a small cylinder on the sheet. Remy's stare told him that he didn't recognize the object. "We removed this from your body. It was programmed to emit certain chemicals, programmed to destroy the balance in your brain, causing depression, paranoia
and. . ." Hank stopped, as Remy released a yelp. 'It's over now, Remy. Your body still needs a little time to dispose of the remnants but. . ."
"Logan?" Helplessly, Remy grabbed the older man's hand in return.
"It's the truth, kid. Any idea who did this to ya?" But Remy's expression already told him that the Cajun had no idea who might be behind it.
"This imbalance might have triggered your empathy," Jean continued her explanation.
"De feelings. . ." Remy muttered nervously. "De ain' dat strong now."
"That's because the professor put a shield up to keep them outside. You can only receive one person's feelings." Jean noticed the way Remy was clinging to Logan, staring at him once in a while to make sure Logan had no intention of leaving. Were her eyes deceiving her or? She had to talk to Logan, who obviously wasn't aware of Remy's feelings.
"What's goin' to happen now?" Remy asked hesitantly.
"I'm going to keep you here overnight. Tomorrow, I will remove the bandage. In the meantime, try to rest, Remy." Hank placed his furry hand on the Cajun's brow and noticed the cold sweat. "I am your friend," he reminded Gambit. "I want to help you heal."
Remy couldn't help feeling helpless as he stared at the cylinder, which Hank had removed. Who would do this to him? "Any idea when. . ."
"After Antarctica," Hank enlightened him.
"Ya might wanna tell us how ya survived the cold," Logan whispered and squeezed Remy's hand.
Nervously, Remy licked his lips. As he lowered his eyes, he wondered how to tell them that he didn't remember how he had survived. He had no memories of those days, weeks. . .
"We will discuss this later," Hank decided and checked the IV one last time. Seeing Remy's draped eyes he explained. "It only contains fluids and nutrients."
Remy didn't react. Instead he clung to Logan's presence. His eyes were about to close, but he didn't feel safe, not after learning about the cylinder. Thankfully, Hank now slipped it into one of his pockets and it wasn't staring back at him any longer.
"Logan? I need to talk to you," Jean announced in a soft tone.
Remy's eyes flashed open. "Don' go, cher."
The fear in those alien eyes took them aback. Hank had already returned to his work and Jean knew she couldn't postpone this much longer. "I'll bring him back in five minutes, I promise."
It didn't help. Remy refused to let go of Logan's hand. Part of his mind realized he was over reacting, but he couldn't stop it from happening.
"It's the chemicals, Remy," Jean said soothingly and then turned, sensing her husband's thoughts.
"I'll stay with him until Logan returns," Scott whispered and even tried to smile.
"You, Cyke?" Remy muttered in disbelief. Scott was the last person he expected to show up in the med lab.
"Yes." Scott moved closer to the bed and sat down as Jean and Logan left the room. "You look better," he said, trying to start a conversation. Remy's eyes still mirrored puzzlement, but he ignored it. "Hey, I AM your team-leader, Gambit."
"Didn' know you cared. . ." Remy stuttered and pulled the blanket up to his chin. The wound still caused him discomfort, but he managed to ignore it. The fact that Cyclops was 'baby-sitting' him was a mild shock at least.
"Rogue has left the mansion. I thought you should know that." Scott hoped that the news wouldn't send the Cajun off into hysterics. Due to the chemicals Remy was constantly over reacting.
"Did she leave because of me?" Remy closed his eyes, wishing he had never returned from Antarctica. //Non, dat ain' true. . . den I wouldn't have slept in Logan's arms. . .//
"The professor showed me what happened in Antarctica and when we confronted her with the facts she took off," Scott explained, registering the expression of terror in Gambit's eyes. "She didn't have the right to make that decision. You still have a home here with the X-Men, Gam. . . Remy." How long had he rehearsed this little speech? "You belong here. You are part of the team."
Tears dripped down his face and embarrassed, he used part of the sheet to wipe them away. "Can' be de truth. . .must be dreamin'. . . De Cyke I know would never say dat."
Scott leaned forward. "Listen to me, Remy. You may not think too highly of me,
but. . ." Scott gathered his strength. //Come on, you rehearsed this in front of the mirror!//
"Oui?" Remy said nervously. His fingers fumbled the sheet and his locks had dropped in front of his face, shielding his features.
"But I do care, Remy. I was worried when you collapsed on the doorstep and. . . I regret failing you in Antarctica. I regret not realizing sooner what Rogue did to you, what she said to you and. . ." //Stop it! You're getting carried away!// he chided himself. But Remy was smiling.
"Homme," he whispered softly as Scott's true concern seeped through the temporary shields. "You surprise me. . ." Suddenly, his fears were diminishing until they finally vanished. Scott was telling him the truth. "Maybe receivin' sentiments ain' dat
bad. . ."
"You know that I'm being honest," Scott remarked relieved. He had been worried that Gambit wouldn't believe him.
"Oui. . ."
"Remy," Scott said, amazed at the ease with which that name suddenly left his lips. "I need to ask you this. Do you know who's responsible for the implant Hank removed?"
Remy wavered, unwilling to speak the name that had ruined his life forever.
"Was it Sinister?" Scott offered. After discussing matters with Hank and the professor this had been their logical conclusion.
Remy hated the return of tears in his eyes and felt the need to apologize for being this emotional.
"No, that's okay. You can't help it." Scott recognized the ashamed expression in Gambit's eyes. "I'm just grateful that we located it before it killed you. You can be as emotional as you want. It's the chemicals. Hank explained everything to us." Scott smiled, still amazed at the way he was handling this. Maybe talking this through with Jean had helped.
"I don' know," Remy said, as he managed to keep back the tears. "I don' remember much. . . After Rogue left everythin' went cold and dark. . ."
"What DO you remember?" Scott noticed the fatigue on Remy's face. He should cut this short and let him get the rest he needed.
" I woke in a hospital. . ." Remy revealed gingerly. "De doctor told me dat scientists had found me and brought me in."
"How long did you stay there?" Scott sensed Xavier's thoughts. The professor was listening too.
"After I woke only a few days," Remy mumbled, feeling uncomfortable. "Dey told me dat I had been in coma for four days. . ."
//Ask him if he remembers anything at all!// Charles urged Scott. //We need all the information we can get!//
"Is there anything in particular that you remember, Remy? No matter how insignificant it might seem." Scott disliked pushing Gambit like this, but the professor was right.
"I had nightmares. . ." Remy whispered and his eyes began to water again.
"It's okay," Scott assured him and. . . //Am I really doing this?// curled his fingers around Remy's. "Take all the time you need."
Maybe it was the skin contact, maybe it was Scott's tone, but Remy calmed down. "De nightmares continued after I got back."
"Do you still have them?"
" Parfois. . . sometimes," he added, seeing Scott's mystified look.
"What are they about?" Scott realized how cold those agile fingers felt and nodded his head once. "You can trust us, Remy. We won't desert you like Rogue did."
Those words impacted hard, but he didn't want them to know. . . Remy stalled.
"Remy, you must tell me." Scott tried hard to put all his concern in those words.
Remy closed his eyes, so he wouldn't have to deal with Scott's reaction. "Dey are about Sinister."

 

Chapter Ten

Jean wasn't sure how to tell Logan what she had picked up. What would his reaction be like? Would both men end up hurt? But Logan had to know the truth. "You seem to care a lot about Remy."
Now that they were outside the med lab, Logan used the opportunity to smoke a cigar. "Yeah, I do." He was studying her expression. She meant a lot to him, even loved her, but also realized that she would never leave Scott to be with him. He had accepted that a long time ago, but had never stopped to care for her. "Does that bother ya?" he asked eventually, wondering why she wanted to discuss the Cajun.
"No, Logan," Jean shot him an amused smile. "I'm not jealous!" she quipped in an attempt to make him relax. Hopefully, he would get the underlying message and she wouldn't have to TELL him about Remy's feelings in detail.
"Jealous?" Logan's brow grew knitted. "Why would ya be jealous?"
"Logan. . .!" Jean sighed impatiently. Apparently subtlety didn't work. "I shouldn't be telling you this, but considering Remy's current state. . ."
"Tell me what?" Irritated, Logan waited for her to continue. Jean was acting strange and he wished she would stop pussy footing around and give it to him straight.
"I don't know how you're going to react, but Logan, please. . . think it over first," she said pleadingly and walked up to him. She felt like she needed to establish contact first and rested a hand on his shoulder, waiting for him to look into her eyes. "Remy's in love with you."
"What? What did ya say?" His mind slowly processed this new information. "Ya got to be kiddin'! The kid's confused and needs a friend. Must be the chemicals makin' it look like that!"
Jean licked her lips. "Logan, listen to me. It's not the chemicals. That would feel different and they only affect his. . . negative feelings."
"Shit!" Logan growled and sank down onto a chair. "Yer sure?"
"Yes," Jean nodded her head and sat down next to him. "Remy's been hurt tremendously lately, Logan. If you don't feel the same way about him. . ."
"Jean!" Logan exclaimed. "I like women!"
A crooked smile appeared on Jean's face. "Ever had a relationship with a man, Logan?"
"No!" Logan rolled the cigar between his fingers. "And I don't plan on ever havin' one!"
"Why don't you give him a chance?" Jean suggested. "Whatever you do, try not to react too harshly?"
"Ya must be readin' him wrong!" Logan insisted. "He's in love with Rogue!"
"He WAS in love with her," Jean corrected him in a warm tone. "Ever wondered why they never got together? REALLY got together?"
"He can't touch her." Logan had had enough of this conversation and got to his feet.
"What if she had put on a collar? Her powers wouldn't have affected him." Jean rose from the chair and moved until they were facing each other. "You've become his anchor, Logan. I doubt he will recover if you turn your back on him now."
"But. . . he can't be in love with me!" Logan shook his head. "Have never seen him with anyone else except Rogue. . ."
"The heart works in mysterious ways," Jean quipped and smiled. "I think the two of you would make a great couple."
"Jeanie. . ." Logan growled the name.
"I am serious!" she called out in mock hurt. "Why don't you search your own feelings for him first? Why did you go back to the ledge that night? Just because you were concerned about a team-mate or does it go deeper?" She disliked pushing Logan like this, but she wanted him to consider all possibilities. "Why are you still here watching over him? Why? You need to ask yourself that question and answer it truthfully."
Logan remained silent. Jean was right of course. He was being awfully protective of the Cajun, but he contributed it to Remy needing a friend right now and he had taken on that role perfectly, hadn't he?
"You don't know how you feel about Remy," Jean realized and her smile brightened. That meant there was still a chance that Logan would look deeper at his feelings. Whatever the outcome of that search might be, he would give Remy an honest answer. "Why don't you go back now? Remy will want to see you after learning about the cylinder. He's scared, Logan."
Automatically, Logan extinguished the cigar and walked over to the doorway. "Are ya absolutely sure about. . .him?"
"Yes."
Absentmindedly, Logan nodded his head, uncertain if he wanted to return to Remy's room. Jean's words had changed everything and he wasn't sure how he felt about Gambit being in love with him.
~~~~~~
"Logan," Remy whispered relieved as the man entered his room. He hoped that there were no more traces of the tears he had just cried. //Hate bein' like dis!// and he wished that the chemicals would quickly leave his body.
Scott got to his feet and observed Logan, wondering about the thoughtful look on the Canadian's face. "You're going to sit with him?" The underlying message was; Remy can't be alone tonight and needs someone to watch him. Are you going to do that?
Logan understood perfectly, but for the first time since this had started, he hesitated. Avoiding Remy's eyes he tried to convince himself that the young man needed his support, regardless any feelings the Cajun might have for him. "Sure."
But Remy had noticed that moment of hesitation and wondered what had changed. First, Logan had carried concern and affection when he'd come into his room, but now. . . doubt and apprehension flowed into his mind. Logan didn't want to be here. "You don' have to, mon ami. Don' need a baby sitter." He tried hard to shrug off the discomfort Logan was emanating and cursed his empathy. Even when the charm had gotten him into trouble he hadn't felt like this.
"Nope, I'm stayin'," Logan repeated. This time he made eye contact with the Cajun. Remy's eyes never hid anything and he recognized the fear of rejection in them. Things had suddenly become terribly complicated.
Scott had watched the interaction between them and had drawn his own conclusions. "Uhm, Logan. . . Remy just admitted that he's having nightmares about Sinister."
Logan raised an eyebrow. "Ya never told me."
"I didn' have any nightmares while. . . you were close," Remy said apologetically. He didn't want to feel Logan's doubts but he couldn't block it. //And I never mentioned you havin' dem eider, so cut me some slack!//
Logan read that remark in Remy's eyes. "Tell me more, Cyke."
"Started after he woke up in a hospital. Apparently some scientists brought him in."
"Scientists huh?" Logan remarked and noticed the return of fear in Remy's eyes. His sense of smell told him that Remy hadn't told Scott the entire truth. Kid was still guarding his secrets and it looked like he might be the only one who could make Gambit open up.
The Cajun flinched and his fingers trembled. Remy's reaction didn't surprise him All three of them knew what scientist they were talking about. Logan sat down and rested his feet on the side of Remy's bed.
That reassured Remy a little. Logan's mind was in turmoil, but the man wasn't deserting him.
"I better be on my way then." Scott remarked and grinned inwardly. He'd received bits and pieces from the talk Jean had had with Logan and he was curious to find out what was going to happen next. As he exited the med lab, he hoped for Remy's sake that Logan would think this over and not act on impulse.
Remy's eyes were dropping shut after telling Scott one of the things he had been keeping a secret for so long. "You're not de only one wid nightmares," he muttered softly. His eyes pleaded Logan to look at him.
Logan simply nodded his head. He needed time to think. "Why don't ya get some sleep?"
"I've been sleepin' for days!" Remy protested, but recognized his own fatigue. He would drift off into sleep within minutes. "Henri must have put some sleepin' meds in de IV too."
"Remy, listen," Logan started, but seeing the tired eyes he decided not to address this issue between them yet. First, he needed to search his feelings for the young man. "I need to do some thinkin' and yer. . ."
"Distractin' you?" Remy finished for him.
"Yeah."
"I will go to sleep den," Remy whispered upset. Logan's feelings had turned darker, unfriendly and he wanted to escape the sensation. Closing his eyes, he forced himself to relax and to fall a sleep, a technique Jean-Luc had taught him a long time ago.
Watching him fall asleep Logan sighed. //Ya can't be in love with me, Remy! Shit, why me? Why not Bobby or Hank or. . . why me?//
"Want a cup of coffee?" Hank had waited for Remy to fall asleep before making his move.
Logan looked up, irritated at the interruption and at first he wanted to decline, but the aroma made his mouth water. "Sure, why not?" He got to his feet and walked into the little office Hank had created to have some privacy while working. From where he sat now he saw Remy's every move.
"Thanks," Logan muttered and sipped from the hot liquid. He had known Hank for a long time and wondered why the man wanted to talk to him. Hank just didn't invite you in for coffee when he was working on his research or tending to a patient. "Spill it, blue."
"I would like to know how his face got that badly bruised." Hank removed his glasses and gave Logan a stern expression. "Did you do that?"
"Yeah," Logan admitted in a guilty tone. "I was havin' a nightmare and. . ."
"You were. . . " Hank sighed his discomfort, "Sleeping that close?"
"He wanted me to hold him, Hank." Logan stared into the coffee. Maybe talking to Hank wasn't such a bad idea. "Jean told me Remy's in love with me." Holding his breath he waited for Hank's reply.
"I see," Hank said and nodded his head. "And do you feel the same way about him?"
"I don't know," Logan replied honestly. "This never happened before."
"Please be more exact, my friend."
"Remy's the first man to fall in love with me. . ."
"Now you're talking about Remy's feelings again," Hank pointed out, "I want to know how YOU feel about this development. I don't want him to get hurt, Logan."
"Ya care about him. That's good." Logan was stalling, still unsure whether he should continue this conversation or not. "The thing is. . . I really like the kid, but. . ."
"Are you prejudiced? Is that it? Do you think it is wrong for two men. . ." Hank rolled his eyes. //Feels like I am talking to Robert!//
"Never had to think about that before," Logan admitted. "It don't bother me, seeing two guys or girls kissin' and stuff, but. . ."
"Now it's about you."
"Yeah. . ." Logan emptied his mug and felt clearer headed. "Maybe I like him more than I want to admit."
'Yes?" Hank waited patiently, knowing it was important that Logan was being truthful to himself.
"It's just that. . . he's so vulnerable right now." Logan shifted in the chair.
"What DO you feel for him?"
"Cajun's a tough one. . . A friend."
"Anything else?" Hank remembered how long it had taken Bobby to search his feelings and now he was asking Logan to do that in a few minutes. "What do you feel when you comfort him? Do you want to touch him? Make private excuses to touch his skin? What do you see in his eyes?"
Logan moistened his lips. "I like the texture of his hair. . . It's soft. He trusts me and yes. . . I've been telling myself that it was okay to hold him, but. . . is that love?"
"You've loved before," Hank said and shrugged his shoulders. "Only you can answer that question. "Don't let gender matter, Logan. Actually, I think that Remy is just what you need."
"Jean hinted at that too, why?" Logan really wanted to hear this answer.
"You need to trust again," Hank said thoughtfully. "You've been mistreated in the past and. . ." Hank silenced Logan's protest with his eyes. "You have offered Remy protection and affection, things he desperately needs. I suggest you talk to him about this."
"AFTER I made up my mind," Logan decided and got up to refill his mug. "I don't want to get his hopes up and then. . ." During the conversation he had concentrated on Hank instead of Gambit and the keening wail that now rushed through the med lab made the blood flow faster in his veins. Instinctively, he extended his claws as he turned around.
"Remy's only having a nightmare." Hank's eyes fixed on Logan. "But he needs YOU to comfort him. Can you do that?" But Logan had already left his office and was now storming into Remy's room. "Apparently, the answer is yes," Hank muttered pleased.

 

Chapter Eleven

Jaded Heart--
I didn't know you, but I could see it in your eyes
Shattered dreams and hopes, you'd been hurt too many times
Well I've heard your past from a friend I'd seen today
Told me of your heart, that you had been away
How I wish I could take you away
I would show you that my love's not the same
But I see I've found you too late
Dokken

"Ne pas me toucher!" Remy screamed and swept away imaginary hands that were moving over his body. The chemicals had brought on his nightmares and left him defenceless against them. "Leave me 'lone!" Struggling with the blankets in an attempt to free himself, red eyes flared with pain.
"Remy!" Logan wavered. The Cajun was caught in some nightmare and apparently fighting someone. "Listen to me, kid. Yer havin' a nightmare. Yer safe!" Remy's wild locks danced on his shoulders and those agile fingers had turned into claws, holding onto the bed as if someone was trying to drag him off. "Remy. . ." he said in a soft tone and slowly raised his hand to cup the young man's chin in it. "I'm here and yer safe."
Remy blinked his eyes and surrendered to this familiar feeling that soothed the troubled surface of his mind. Panting hard, he finally managed to lock on to Logan's blue eyes. "Jus' a nightmare," he stuttered ashamed.
But Logan noticed the pain in those eyes. "Talkin' about it makes them go away."
Remy collapsed into a heap and concentrated on that voice. Logan's voice. //Oui, I'm safe. . . for now. . . but for how much longer?//
Logan realized that the skin underneath his fingertips felt incredible soft and suddenly, silky hair brushed his cheek. Gambit had thrown himself into his arms. "It's okay, kid," he muttered and tried to figure out what exactly he was feeling.
Inhaling Remy's scent he registered the fear that accompanied it, but the Cajun's scent itself was musky, masculine. He remembered holding his former lovers, Silver Fox, Mariko and compared this sensation to those memories.
//Memories,// he thought embittered, //don't even know which are true and which they implanted in my mind!//
Remy held onto Logan for dear life. The older man was driving away the memories, leaving him pure and cleansed. He didn't want to remember the past, didn't want to remember Sinister and yet, the scientist haunted his dreams too often to forget what the madman had done to him. But he could never tell Logan or the others. . . never!
Purposefully, Logan raised a hand and stroked the auburn locks. //I like holdin' him like this,// he finally admitted. The tender, almost passionate way he felt for this young man was something he had ignored for too long. In that instant he realized that he could love Remy back. . . but he needed time to come to terms with this. "Was yer nightmare about Sinister?"
"Oui," Remy whispered into Logan's neck. He almost pressed a kiss onto that skin, but froze just in time. His feelings were overwhelming him now that the man was this close and he couldn't risk losing this friendship! Logan would never accept him as a lover. //Certainly not if he knows de truth about Sinister and moi. . .//
From the corner of his eye, Logan caught Hank's smirk before the doctor turned to give them some privacy. He sat down on the side of the bed and continued to hold Remy, alternating between rubbing his back and stroking his hair. Damn, he didn't want to let go, but Remy had to talk about this. "Why does the bastard scare ya?"
Remy flinched in his arms and Logan shook his head, hesitantly nuzzling the young man's neck. "Ya can tell me, Remy."
//Mon Dieu,// Remy yelped privately. Logan's affection coursed through him and he desperately wanted the man to kiss him, to caress his face, but. . ."Don' want to talk 'bout it," he stuttered ashamed and freed himself from the embrace.
Logan allowed him to break the embrace, but his eyes never left the Cajun's face. "What did he do to ya?"
"Why did you ask dat?" His voice trembled dangerously. Logan was getting too close to the truth.
Logan waited in silence. The stench of fear in the room had tripled. Sinister didn't just scare Gambit. . . the young man was terrified!
"Tricked me, you know dat," Remy said quickly, wishing he could confide in Logan, but the older man would never want to comfort him again if he knew the truth. "It was jus' a nightmare!" he added nervously.
"If ya don't want to talk about it, that's fine with me," Logan grunted, slipped off the bed and walked over to the wall. "But how long do ya think ya can deal with this alone?"
"I dealt wid it for years without any help from you X-Men!" Remy yelled in genuine anger. Rubbing his eyes he tried to regain his composure. Logan was trying to lure him in to talking.
Hearing that particular answer Logan pondered what it might mean. "What have ya been dealin' with for years, kid?"
"Dat ain' your affaires!" Remy whispered in a choked tone.
Logan drew in a deep breath and watched silently as Remy lay down, pulling up his legs and then turned away from him. The Cajun was shutting him out after all they had been through. "No way, bub. I want to know why yer hurtin'." He'd had enough of Remy's secrets and he was determined to push through Gambit's defenses.
"Why? Why do you care?" Remy muttered between clenched teeth. He sensed Logan's determination and as the older man appeared in front of him, he tightly closed his eyes.
"How long do ya plan on hidin'?" he asked, hoping for some kind of reaction. He hated the way the kid always withdrew into himself when he was in pain. "Sinister implanted that cylinder into yer body. He wanted ya to go insane. . . why are ya protectin' the bastard?"
Enraged, Remy's eyes flashed open. Logan had no right to talk to him like this! "You don' know!"
"Then tell me." Logan grabbed Remy's hands and jerked him into a sitting position. "Ya don't owe Sinister. Why are ya protectin' the fuckin' bastard?" He had made the remark on purpose, fuelling Remy's anger, because he knew that would get him a reaction. Remy pulled away from him and his eyes burned.
"I'm protectin' myself!" he called out before Logan's raw emotions made him faint.
"Shit," Logan exclaimed as he caught the crumbling body. "Didn't want that to happen, kid, but. . ." Slowly, he lowered the Cajun back onto the bed. "Protectin' yerself?" he repeated puzzled. Had Sinister somehow still a hold on Gambit?
"What did you do to my patient?" Hank appeared and shoed him out of the room. "And don't go anywhere! I want to talk to you!"
"Great, that's just fuckin' great," Logan muttered and started pacing the corridor. //Protecting yerself from what?//
//I would like to know the answer to that question as well,// Charles wheeled his chair into the corridor and halted in front of Wolverine.
"I- don't- get- it!" Logan muttered, emphasizing every word. "If only he trusted us to help him deal with it!"
"Remy finds it hard to trust and we can't blame him." Charles had hurried to the med lab, picking up on Remy's nightmare and growing agitation.
Logan collapsed onto a chair and stared at his hands. "I can't fight off Sinister if he doesn't tell me why he's this afraid."
Charles realized that Logan needed to get this out of his system. "What do we know?"
"Sinister got to him after Rogue tried to kill him," Logan whispered in a bitter tone.
"And then implanted the cylinder. . . now, why would he do that?" Charles took a moment to ponder his own question, but it was Logan who answered it.
"Hank said it would have made Remy paranoid and suicidal. Sounds to me like Sinister wants him dead too."
"But why take risks? He could have killed Remy in Antarctica." Charles felt trapped within a labyrinth, never finding the exit.
"Maybe we should ask him?" Logan suggested and flaunted his claws.
"Put them away, Logan. . ." Charles mumbled absentmindedly, his thoughts circling around Sinister and Gambit. "Why did Sinister trigger Remy's latent empathy?"
Logan shrugged his shoulders. "Revenge?" he offered eventually. "Maybe he wanted to break Remy's spirit by showin' him that the X-Men don't want him no more?"
Frustrated, Charles sought out Logan's eyes. "Maybe. . . but what was that about Remy protecting himself? I overheard your remark and felt his reaction to it."
Alert, Logan's eyes started to sparkle. "Yeah, that got to him, didn't it? He couldn't bear me accusin' him of defendin' the bastard."
"Remy desperately wants to keep this a secret." Charles stopped talking as Hank strolled closer, a worried expression on his face.
"I told you to comfort him! Not upset him any further!" Hank reprimanded Logan. "I had to administer a sedative. Remy's asleep again, but. . . the readings indicated that his heart beat was way off scale and his pulse. . . what did you say to him?!"
"It's safe to conclude that Sinister somehow hurt Remy and that he feels. . . ashamed." Charles tried to remember what he had picked up exactly before Remy had fainted. "Logan, you need to work on gaining his complete trust."
Logan realized that the professor was right, but wasn't sure he was the right man for the job. Eventually, he nodded his consent.
"I'll use Cerebro and try locating Sinister. We should keep an eye on him. If he's really out to hurt Gambit. . ."
"He will have to go through me first," Logan growled angered.
Reassured that Gambit was safe, Xavier left the two men behind. Maybe Cerebro could supply him with some answers.
Hank stopped Logan as the Canadian wanted to return to his patient's room.
"Logan. . ."
"Lemme," Logan hissed, eager to return to Remy's side.
"In a moment."
"What do ya want?"
Hank smiled, already reading the truth in his friend's eyes. "You have found your answer, haven't you?"
Logan nodded his head once. "Yer right, Hank. . . I think I love him"
"You should tell him." Pleased, Hank opened the door to Remy's room. "It will do him good to know that someone loves him."
"I don't know, Hank," Logan objected. "Feels to me like takin' advantage of a confused kid."
Hank's smile grew even brighter. "In case you hadn't noticed, Logan," and he pointed at Remy, still asleep in the bed, "Remy isn't a kid. He's a young man who loves you."
"Yer right, blue," Logan whispered. "That's why I don't understand that he would want me."
"I suggest you talk to him." Hank closed the door and satisfied with this development, he returned to his office.
~~~~~~
"Logan, wake up!" Scott actually enjoyed kicking the Canadian's feet from the side of Remy's bed. Gambit's sleepy eyes had opened as well and he placed the breakfast tray on the bed.
"What the. . ." Logan growled and almost kicked Scott's feet away from under the man. "Jean should teach ya manners!" His next glance was for Remy, who was eyeing the pancakes, toast and eggs appreciately. The insane expression had fled those alien eyes and the young man's hands no longer trembled. //Yeah, he's gettin' better.//
"Next time you prepare your own breakfast," Scott quipped, feeling relieved at finding Remy in a calm and relaxed state. "I come here out of the goodness of my heart to make sure the two of you aren't starving and. . ."
"Put a sock in it, Cyke," Logan said and grabbed the mug filled with black coffee.
Scott grinned. "My talents are just not appreciated."
But as Remy looked at Scott's face, a wave of relief hit him. "I appreciate it," he mumbled in a soft tone and attacked the pancakes. His stomach growled with hunger and. . .
"Hey, leave some for me!" Logan said and snatched a pancake away from underneath Remy's hands.
Scott leaned against the wall and observed them. Remy's condition was improving according to Hank and the doctor might discharge him today. "Storm will be relieved to hear that you got your appetite back!"
Remy smiled weakly. He did feel a lot better. //Mebbe de chemicals are losin' deir effect. . .// Cautiously, he peeked at Logan. Was the man still angry with him? As his focus shifted to the Canadian, he started to receive affection. No, Logan wasn't mad at him. It had been his own fault that Logan had sneered at him. But he couldn't tell them about Sinister. . .
"The professor wants to talk to you later today," Scott informed Gambit.
"Fine wid me," he mumbled, painfully aware that they wouldn't give in until they knew that shameful truth.
Scott nodded once and then left them alone, suspecting that the two men needed to talk in private. He was right.
"About last night. . . " Logan started hesitantly after devouring a piece of toast. "I was outa line."
"Non, you weren't," Remy replied, without looking at him. "It was my fault. . ."
Logan leaned in closer and raised Gambit's head with his left hand until their eyes met. "I can only hope that one day ya will trust me enough to tell me why yer hurtin' like this and why ya think ya need to protect yerself by keepin' dis a secret."
Remy dropped his fork onto the plate and blushed.
Surprised, Logan wondered why Remy's face was turning flustered. "I care 'bout ya, Remy."
"I know dat, mon ami. . ." Remy whispered nervously. Logan's affection for him seemed to have become stronger since last night and he was afraid to hope that it might be turning in to something else; love. "I need time, Logan. . ." The older man was still cupping his chin in his hand and now those fingers slowly caressed his skin. He was drowning in those blue eyes and, acting on impulse, he curled his fingers around Logan's.
Logan smiled, sensing the hesitation in that movement and squeezed those fingers to reassure the Cajun. His mind was telling him that this was the perfect moment to confess his love, but. . . wouldn't it be best if Remy took that first step? //No, kid won't say the words. . . he's scared of bein' rejected. . . But. . . wait. . . if he can read feelings why is he this confused? He should know I love him!//
Then it crossed his mind that Remy wasn't used to dealing with alien feelings and probably was still learning to determine their nature. To him, affection and love might feel the same. //Means I have got to go first. . .//
"Remy, there's somethin' I need to tell ya. . ." Patiently, Remy waited for him to continue. The look in those eyes seemed to waver between hope and fear and encouraged him to make this admission.
//Mon Dieu, what's goin' on?// Remy thought confused. Logan's face was so close and he desperately wanted to brush those lips with his. Roughly textured, but infinitely tender fingers caressed his face and he completely surrendered to the warmth that Logan radiated. //Je t'aime, Logan. . .// Eventually, Logan's words hit him unprepared, never expecting them.
"I love ya, Remy."

 

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