Title: Cream Filling

Author: Shala Atare (shalandree@hotmail.com)

Website: no site

Rating: PG-13

Pairing/main characters: Beast/Iceman

Series/Sequel: complete

Summary: Take many, many Hank/Bobby cliches, add Twinkies, and stir.

Disclaimer: Not mine, wouldn't want 'em anyway. Bobby's too noisy.

Date: Feb 2001

Archive/distribution: Certainly. But tell me where so I can go and admire it.

Notes: To Robin, who brought up the Twinkies in the first place. This is all your fault.

_____________________________________________

 

Cream Filling

By Shala Atare

 

'Hi, Hank.'

'Good evening, Robert. Twinkie?'

'*sigh* Nah.'

'...'

'*SIGH* payattentiontome *SIGH*'

'How did your date go?'

'Terribly.'

'I see.'

'...'

'...'

'...I got stood up. Again.'

'I'm sorry to hear that.'

'Are you laughing?'

'No. Of course not. Why would I laugh about something so...dreadful?'

'I don't get it, Hank! What is it about me? I'm not completely repulsive, am I? I don't have any hideous birth defects that no one's bothered to tell me about, do I?'

'Certainly not. As far as I am aware, you have no overt physical mutations that would appear unattractive to members of the opposite sex. Or, indeed, the same sex.'

'...What was that supposed to mean?'

'Nothing, beyond the fact that you are a reasonably attractive man.'

'...Huh.'

'...'

'So whatcha doin'?'

'I am currently engaged in testing the lab's water supply to ensure that no contamination is entering my samples. And I'm eating a Twinkie.'

'Oh.'

'...'

'...'

'I'm bored.'

'Perhaps you should seek entertainment elsewhere, then. I imagine I'll be here for quite a while.'

'There's nothing else to do.'

'You do realise that you sound like an eleven-year-old child.'

'Can't help it. I'm fed up and horny, and I get immature when that happens.'

'I'm afraid that I'm currently too busy to assist you with either one of those problems.'

'...Hank! I wasn't asking you about the second one!'

'In light of that fact, I suggest you retire to your room and take a cold shower. Or peruse the magazines I know you have under your mattress.'

'What?! I can't believe you just said that!'

'*sigh* I'm a doctor, Robert. I was merely making a suggestion.'

'I can't *believe* that my best friend just told me to go jerk off and get out of his way!'

'That's not quite how I put it.'

'But that's what you meant! And stop making that face!'

'Was I making a face? I was quite unaware of it, I assure you.'

'Yeah, right. You think I don't know what it means, but I do. It's your "Bobby is being an annoying asshole but I'll stay calm because otherwise I'd strangle him" face, isn't it?'

'...That's very close.'

'Ha!'

'...'

'...'

'I apologise for being so abrupt. I'm tired.'

'Yeah. Yeah, you look awful. When was the last time you ate something besides Twinkies?'

'I think I had a Twix a few hours ago.'

'That's not what I meant.'

'I know.'

'...'

'...'

'I'm worried about you, Hank. You look like shit most days recently.'

'Why, thank you.'

'I'm serious. You never get out of the lab anymore.'

'I've got a lot of work to do. The answer is right here. All I have to do is open my eyes and find it.'

'You're not going to be *able* to open your eyes if you keep this up.'

'*sigh* You're right. I'll get some rest. Just let me finish up these tests.'

'...'

'Is there any particular reason you're hovering over my shoulder and breathing on my agar plates?'

'...Nope.'

'Then do you mind directing your exhalations elsewhere?'

'Oh, yeah. Sorry.'

'...'

'...'

'I'll admit that the side of my face was not what I had in mind when I told you to breath on something else. And you have become a rather vivid shade of crimson.'

'Hank...can I kiss you?'

'...!'

'The thing is...I think I'm gay.'

'...'

'But I don't know for sure. 'Cause I've never *done* anything with a guy.'

'...'

'So...so I was wondering if I could, y'know, test it out on you.'

'...'

'Please stop looking at me all googly-eyed.'

'...I have never looked at someone "all googly-eyed" in my entire life.'

'What would you call that look, then?'

'...Wide-eyed surprise.'

'Yeah. All googly-eyed.'

'...'

'...'

'Sorry I asked. I'll just leave and kill myself now.'

'No. No, it's okay. You don't have to leave. I'm just momentarily taken aback.'

'...'

'...'

'...Yes.'

'Yes what?'

'Yes, you may kiss me.'

'...'

'Well?'

'Well...I dunno. I never really expected you to say yes.'

'I did.'

'Yeah.'

'...'

'...'

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Come over here.'

'Actually, I'm not really sure about thimmmmmm.'

'...'

'...'

'...'

'...'

*pant*

*pant*

'...'

'erk.'

'...'

'Stop looking at me like that!'

'Like what?'

'Like too damn smug for your own good!'

'Smugness was the last thing on my mind.'

'Uh huh.'

'...'

'...'

'So?'

'So what?'

'So was that of any assistance to you whatsoever?'

'Er...to be honest, *analysing* the sensation was kinda the last thing I was thinking just there.'

'Oh?'

'Shut up.'

'I only said "oh".'

'You were thinking something else.'

'I was?'

'I said shut up.'

'I wasn'tmmmmmmmm.'

'...'

'...'

*scuffle*

*squirm*

*rustle*

*pant*

*pant*

'Is that your hand?'

'Uh huh.'

*wriggle*

*thump*

*crackle*

*squish*

'What's that?'

'We landed on the Twinkies.'

*shuffle*

*grunt*

*zip*

*moan*

'Ohmyfuckinggod do that again.'

*gasp*

*squeak*

'Jesus CHRIST where'd you learn that?'

'I know things. Secret, doctor things.'

*writhe*

*yelp*

'Hank...I don't think Twinkie filling is supposed to be used for that.'

'And you have a better alternative?'

'Uh...no.'

'Then kindly refrain from commenting.'

*gasp*

*twist*

*groan*

'Hank I'm gonna come I'm gonna come oh god do that again!'

'Are you...always...*pant*...this loud?'

'AAAAAAH!'

'It would appear so.'

*thrash*

*grapple*

*scream*

*whimper*

*puff*

'...'

'...'

'...'

'...Jesus.'

'...Heh.'

'...Hank?'

'Mm?'

'I'm hungry.'

'There's Twinkies.'

'They're *on you*.'

'That didn't bother you roughly three minutes ago.'

'Yeah...but now I can see the fur in the filling.'

'*groan* I think I have some Oreos...'

 

END