Title: Wolvie Gets in Touch With his Inner Self

Author: Meredith Thomas (phlegmbaby@hotmail.com)

Website: no site

Rating: G - some language

Pairing/main characters: Gambit/Wolverine

Series/Sequel: complete

Summary: Slash, humor.

Disclaimer: The X-Men belong to Marvel. And Wolverine would be shocked to know people are writing this stuff about him - we all know he's really a big chesty man. The point I'm getting at is that I made all of this up for fun but not profit.

Notes: Big thanks to Harley who gave me a couple of amusing lines and ideas, and to my Dad for the same reason :)
This is dedicated to Harley's flailing Wolverine figure. If only he knew what he was starting.
I realize that as this is based on the cartoon series, the reference to the Big Round Room is in error. But I just couldn't resist :)

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Wolvie Gets in Touch With his Inner Self

By Meredith Thomas

 

(The scene; Cyclops and Gambit are playing cards by the fire. Gambit is winning and Cyclops is looking irritated and considering dobbing on him to Professor X. Suddenly, the doors burst open and Jean comes running in)

JEAN: Gambit! I have speak with you urgently!

GAMBIT: (standing) Five seconds, Chere. Gambit is busy.

(He runs a hand through his hair, straightens his jacket, then turns to face her)

GAMBIT: Go ahead.

JEAN: (raising an eyebrow) Riiight. Uh, Gambit, will you go talk to Wolverine? He's having a bit of a tanty.

CYCLOPS: *Another* one?

JEAN: Yes. He's locked himself in the bathroom and is having a big flail in front of the mirror.

CYCLOPS: I hope that doesn't mean what I think it means.

JEAN: (sighing) No, flailing is what he does to get his aggression out. Just stands there in front of the mirror, claws out, waving his arms around like a spaz. Flailing.

GAMBIT: Excuse me, but what does all this have to do with Gambit?

JEAN: Well, *you're* his boyfriend. I figure if anyone can talk him out of this it's you.

CYCLOPS: Not forgetting that *I* was in there first...

GAMBIT: Yeah, until *you* went running back to Jean like a mummy's boy and Wolvie realized he needed a *real* man!

CYCLOPS: Why you --!

JEAN: Uh, guys...

(There is a sudden terrible crashing sound from the direction of the bathroom)

VOICE: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!

(More crashing noises, very similar to the sound of someone, say, ripping the bathroom sink out of its housing and throwing it around the room with great force. After a second or two, Gambit knocks on the bathroom door, opening it a crack)

GAMBIT: Uh, mon amie...

WOLVERINE: (jumping up and down on the remains of the bathroom sink) Speak English you stupid Cajun.

GAMBIT: Gambit apologises.

(Wolverine stops jumping for a second)

WOLVERINE: Gambit does *what?*

GAMBIT: Uh... nuthin'.

(This answer seems to send Wolvie into a renewed rage, and he begins flailing again with fresh vigour. Gambit watches him in silence for a little while, not quite sure how to approach the situation. He's saved the trouble, however, for moments later, Wolvie stops flailing and turns to him)

WOLVERINE: Gambit, who was that woman you were talking to the other day?

GAMBIT: Uh, what woman?

WOLVERINE: The blonde one. In the short skirt (claws pop out). IN THE CARD SHOP.

GAMBIT: Oh, her! She was nuthin', Wolvie! Gambit was just playing.

WOLVERINE: (growling) I'll bet.

(He walks menacingly towards Gambit for a moment, but instead of attacking him, like he looks like he sorely wants to, contents himself by ripping the door off its hinges, knocking Gambit over in the process. He then stomps off down the corridor, growling and flailing. Jean and Cyclops run over to help Gambit up)

CYCLOPS: Well, bravo. You handled that *very* well.

JEAN: I'm a bit concerned about Logan. That's the fifth door he's destroyed this week. Did you manage to find out what was wrong with him?

GAMBIT: (rubbing his head) No. He just kept going on about some blonde chick he saw me talking to.

JEAN: Gambit, has it ever occurred to you that maybe Logan doesn't *like* you flirting with everything that moves?

GAMBIT: (taken aback) Huh?

JEAN: Well, his *is* your boyfriend. Maybe all your flirting makes him feel unappreciated.

(Cyclops and Gambit stare at her as if she's crazy)

JEAN: I mean, have you ever stopped to think that maybe, underneath his crusty, chesty-man exterior he's actually a soft, sensitive individual who just wants to be loved?

(Gambit and Cyclops look at Jean, look at each other, then burst out laughing. Pretty soon they're rolling around on the floor utterly helpless with hysteria)

JEAN: (staring angrily at them) Actually I was being serious.

~MUCH LATER~

(Wolvie is just returning from one of those long drives he goes on to sulk after he's just had a big tanty and destroyed Scott's car for a bit. Jean arrives in the garage to greet him five seconds later)

JEAN: There you are. I was beginning to worry.

WOLVERINE: Well, I had writer's block. Then my crayon snapped. So I had to go destroy Magneto's new secret hideout and flail for a bit.

JEAN: Well, at least you tried. I'm glad you're starting to feelings out in constructive ways like writing and drawing. It's healthy to get in touch with your emotions now and then. Speaking of which, have you shown Remy your poem yet?

WOLVERINE: (looking at his feet) No, not yet? I don't think I should. He might take it the wrong way.

JEAN: Oh, I'm sure he'd be very touched.

WOLVERINE: (mumbling) It's not very good.

JEAN: Well, it's the thought that counts. Why, I'd be flattered if Scott were ever to write me such a sensitive love poem like that. Come on, I'll help you improve it if you like.

WOLVERINE: (sniffling slightly) Okay.

(They wander off back inside and go sit by the fire where Gambit and Cyclops were playing cards earlier. Jean goes off to make Wolvie a cup of warm Milo, just as Gambit wanders in, dressed to the nines and looking very spanky)

GAMBIT: Ahh, there you are, mon amie! I was just looking for you to tell you that I'm going to the club - there're some very pretty ladies that Gambit has his eye on! (Gambit grins, not noticing Wolvie's miserable expression) Don't wait up!

(Wolvie watches him flounce out the door. The second he's gone, he bursts into floods of howling tears. Jean comes running back into the room)

JEAN: (putting an arm around him) Logan! Logan, what's wrong?

WOLVERINE: (sniffling loudly) Nobody loves me - Gumbo's just gone off on the trawl and he never really liked me anyway and Cyclops left me for a girl -

JEAN: Uh...

WOLVERINE: -- but he was just a stupid dick and he was just using me and I just want someone to love me for who I am but it's so hard when you've got metal grafted onto your skeleton and mummy never loved me either -

JEAN: I thought you couldn't remember -

WOLVERINE: -- and it's just not fair, Jean!!!

(He starts with fresh tears and howling as Cyclops wanders in the background, having been attracted by the ungodly racket. Jean motions for him to shut up, then sets about trying to comfort poor old Wolvie)

JEAN: Oh, come on Wolvie! I'm sure Gambit really *does* love you, deep down - he just as trouble expressing it, like yyou used to. Well, and still do, to his face, anyway. And as for Scott, well, that had nothing to do with *you*, he just realized he preferred girls after all -

CYCLOPS: (butting in) Actually, if I might correct you there Jean, I realized I didn't actually prefer girls, I realized that I preferred - myself!

(To everyone's surprise, a second Cyclops walks through the door and smooches the first one)

CYCLOPS TWO: I love you, Cyclops!

CYCLOPS: I love you too, Cyclops!

(They begin to rubbing noses in an affectionate kind of way. Wolvie seems awfully excited by this, and starts jumping up and down in his seat, tugging at Jean's sleeve)

WOLVERINE: See! See! Why can't Gambit ever be like that with *me* in public??

(Jean isn't listening. She looks like she's about to have a big tanty of her own)

JEAN: OH, FERFUCKSSAKE! Isn't *ANYONE* straight around here? I JUST WANT TO GET OFF, DAMMIT!

CYCLOPS: Geeze, there's no need to shout. There's always Professor X, you know.

JEAN: Oh, don't be gross. Besides, don't you think I *know* what's been going on between him and Magneto this whole time? Honestly.

(Cyclops looks horrified. Both of them)

CYCLOPS: Magneto and Professor X?

CYCLOPS TWO: That's disgusting!

CYCLOPS: It's like you read my mind!!

(They go back to their sickening display of public affection. Jean suddenly stops looking so pissed off and looks over at the two Cyclopses. She looks as though a thought has suddenly struck her)

JEAN: Oh gee, I suddenly sense that all the security has gone down in the Big Round Room, and there's nothing to protect it from evil. Would someone care to go check it out?

(Cyclops Two shoots of down the corridor)

CYCLOPS TWO: (yelling over his rapidly departing back) I'llllllll get it...

(Once he's gone, Jean turns to Cyclops)

JEAN: Scott, have you ever wondered where this second you suddenly appeared from?

CYCLOPS: (with a dreamy look in his eyes) No, I just figured God had realized he'd gotten it right.

JEAN: (cocking an eyebrow) Riiight.

WOLVIE: What're you saying, Jean?

(Before she has a chance to answer, Professor Xavier suddenly arrives in his interesting hover-craft/wheelchair thing)

PROFESSOR X: Oh, hello there, Jean, Logan, Scott (he does a sudden double-take) That's weird Scott. I could've sworn I just saw you go into Wolverine's room.

JEAN: *Wolverine's* room? That *is* weird.

PROFESSOR X: How's that?

JEAN: Oh, well, a second Scott suddenly showed up outta nowhere, so I just kind of figured it was Magneto up to his old tricks again, sending Mystique over here to try and break into Cerebro and stuff... but why would she be interested in Wolverine's room?

PROFESSOR X: Yeah, what's in Wolverine's room?

CYCLOPS: I don't know, what *is* in Wolverine's room?

(They all look expectantly at Wolvie, who is standing very still, his pupils shrunk so small as to be almost non-existent. Suddenly, he takes off down the corridor. The others all look at each other, then take off after him. By the time they reach Wolvie, he's sitting on the floor of his room, having a massive tanty and screaming)

JEAN: Logan, what's wrong??? (a thought suddenly strikes her) Oh no - they didn't take your Secret Thoughts and Feelings Box, did they??

(Wolvie nods, sniffling into his sleeves)

CYCLOPS: (aside, to Jean) Uh, his *what?*

JEAN: (patting Wolvie's back) His Secret Thoughts and Feelings Box. Wolvie's been feeling slightly out of touch with his Inner Self lately, so I encouraged him to write how he felt down, draw some pictures, you know - release his inner child, all that sort of thing.

CYCLOPS: (looking at Jean a bit funny) Uh-huh.

JEAN: I told him he should probably collect them all and put them in a Feelings Box, so if he ever felt this way again, he could come back to them and get in touch with his emotions again.

CYCLOPS: Jean, did it ever occur to you that maybe Wolverine *is* in touch with his emotions, it's just that all his emotions are grumpy, shouty ones?

JEAN: (ignoring him) But why would *anyone* want to steal poor old Wolvie's pictures and poems?

CYCLOPS: Wolverine wrote a *poem?*

JEAN: Why? And to what end?

(Jean and Cyclops turn and stare out of the open window into the darkness beyond, while Wolvie continues to sniffle pathetically)

~AT MAGNETO'S SECRET HIDEOUT~

(Magneto, Mystique and Sabretooth all stand over a photocopier, upon which is the label 'Magneto's Evil Photocopier of Doom'. At present, the Photocopier of Doom is printing out hundreds of copies of Wolverine's poem, entitled 'Gumbo', and written in blue crayon. Magneto is laughing evilly)

MAGNETO: Hahahahahahaaaa! Soon I will have hundred of copies of the X-Man's crappy poetry! Copies of it will be sent out to every living mutant!!!

(He lapses back into laughter, while Mystique and Sabretooth exchange a look behind his back)

MYSTIQUE: Uh, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly is the point of this plan?

MAGNETO: To make the X-Men look stupid by showing Wolverine's crappy poem to everyone.

MYSTIQUE: Uh, you don't think that's a bit juvenile at all, do you?

MAGNETO: (narrowing his eyes) No.

(Mystique holds up her hands as if the say ' fair enough '. As she does, the Photocopier of Doom finishes its last copy. Magneto gleefully snatches the big pile off the tray, grinning maniacally)

MAGNETO: At last - this is the chance I've been waiting for to discredit the X-Men in the eyes of both humans *and* mutants! Once they read the putrid sludge contained in this poem, Professor X and his followers will never be taken seriously again! Sabretooth, start licking those envelopes.

SABRETOOTH: Grrr.

(Just as he licks and seals the first one, the X-Men [or some of them anyway - namely, Jean, Gambit, Wolvie and Cyclopss] drop through the ceiling with a terrible crashing sound)

JEAN: Not so fast, Magneto!

MAGNETO: You! There's no way you can foil my secret plans this time! Sabretooth, Mystique - get them!

(Sabretooth and Mystique don't move)

CYCLOPS: Uh... aren't you guys going to fight us?

MYSTIQUE: Nope. We thought it was a stupid plan and we're not going to waste our time saving it. Come on, Sabretooth.

(They wander off, leaving four very bemused X-Men and a seriously pissed off Magneto)

MAGNETO: What?? Come back! (They ignore him) You'll live to regret this, you two!!! And as for *you* -- (he points at Wolvie) your poetry's shit!

(Magneto turns to make a hasty exit, trips on his cape, falls over and eventually just gives up and stalks out. The X-Men all turn to each other)

CYCLOPS: Well, that was easy.

JEAN: Yeah, a little *too* easy (shrugs). Oh well. At least we got Wolvie's poetry back.

(While they've all been talking, Gambit, unnoticed, has picked up a copy of the poem and read it)

GAMBIT: Uh, why is this poem about me?

JEAN: (going pale) Uh, what?

GAMBIT: (pointing) Look, it says right here - it's called 'Gumbo'.

JEAN: Uh... well...

WOLVERINE: Don't worry, Jean. I'll explain. Gambit, just recently I've been feeling a bit down in the dumps, and I thought at first it might have been because I wasn't in touch with my emotions - I'd lost contact with the side of me that cared about things, instead of just wanting to rip them up and jump on them. So Jean suggested I write some poetry.

GAMBIT: Ahhh, Wolvie -

WOLVERINE: But don't worry Gumbo - because after chasing off Magneto and smashing in the ceiling of his secret hideout and perpetrating some violence, I realize I couldn't give a shit about emotions and my inner self - I just wanna smash stuff and flail! RaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaR!

(With that, he leaps off and starts destroying the secret hideout some more, while the others watch)

CYCLOPS: You know, that *can't* be healthy.

JEAN: Oh, look who's talking. You're the one who's so madly in love with himself.

CYCLOPS: Your point being?

(Jean and Cyclops continue to bicker, and Wolvie to run around smashing everything, while Gambit, unseen, reads the poem over again, before wiping a small tear from his eye, folding the piece of paper and putting it in his pocket for safekeeping)

 

~THE END~

 

This is the poem that started the whole thing - I had to write it on the spot because I was foolish enough to mention to Harley in an email conversation that I though Wolvie may have written some poetry about Gambit. Of course she asked to know how it went. It's called 'Gumbo', it's in free verse, and it's shocking :)

'Gumbo'
by Wolverine

I love you, Gumbo,
With your flaming cards
And your freaky red eyes
Your hair is all soft
What shampoo do you use?
The way you say 'd' instead of 'th'
Is so sweet and interesting
And your pidgin-English
Is entrancing
I wish you wouldn't
Pretend to like Rogue
It really hurts my feelings
I know that you
Like eating pickles on summer days
And throwing cards at people
And lots of other things too
I still wonder what shampoo you use
Because my hair is so unmanageable
It just sticks up in two clumps
No matter what I do
I want to look pretty for you
But it's so hard when my hair won't lie flat
I love you Gumbo
I'd also be interested to know your facial scrub routine