Date:                21 August 2003

Title:                 Against all odds

Author:            Das_Jessy

Archive:            Yep, lemme know

Summary:            I hate them, hate them, hate them.

But well, this is AU. I pick up after Grave and from there it's different.                           I'll take some things from Lessons but there will be no First Evil

Rating:              PG-13

Category:            Angst, but Spuffy in the end, I think. song-fic

Disclaimer:            My mom said I can have them.

Spoilers:            Post Grave. Season 7. I'm gonna steal steal steal. *evil grin*

The dialogue of some episodes can be a little mixed but I'll try to make                        some sense of it.

Feedback:            jessy_84@t-online.de

Author's note:            Well, nothing to note.

                        My other stories you can find at www.spiritofsunnydale.de.vu

 

 

Against all odds by Das_Jessy~~~~~~~~~~~~

One week after having averted the apocalypse it is back to normal in Sunnydale, or as normal as it can be under the circumstances. Willow is in England with the coven. Giles brought her there just after Xander talked her out of ending the world. Anya already started to rebuild the Magic Box, so she could soon make lots and lots of money.

Dawn is quite happy as it is, I take her patrolling and she gets to be part of something.

Xander is still talking about how he saved the world and if I have to hear the yellow crayon story one more time I might have to end it myself. Then there is Spike. He is still gone, I go by his crypt every night on patroll, asking Clem if he knows anything new, he never does. And I think the poor guy is getting annyoed with me. Well, I miss Spike. Everything seems to remind me of him, no matter where I go, no matter where I look. I know, that what he did was wrong and should be inexcusable but nevertheless I already forgave him.

 

How can I just let you walk away,

just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooohh
You're the only one who really knew me at all


After everything that was going on I finally had some time to myself during the last week and now, I know that I not only can love him but that I do, now that he's gone. I also found out something I never thought to be possible. I'm having a baby. Spike's baby. I'm about three month along, must have happened the night Riley came back, our last time together and he will never know, he's gone, left me and his unborn child because of my own stupidity. This night I saw it in his eyes after I  pushed him away. The guilt. I knew than that if I let him go now, I wouldn't see him again and I didn't stop him. Just pushed him further by demanding to ask me again why I could never love him.

When I brought Dawn to his crypt I had a good idea what was waiting for me there, or what wasn't.

 

How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch
you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain, and even shared the
tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

 

I even understand why he left. He is ashamed of hurting me ashamed of what he did and he doesn't even think about what I did to him. I know that what I did wasn't any better. I used him and all he did was saving me. He was the one who saw right through me after I came back, he knew what was going on in me even better then I did. But even when I knew that night that I'd probably lose him I couldn't bring up the courage to stop him, all I could do was let him go.

 

So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of
your face
Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what
I've got to face

 

And now Spike is gone. Gone to god knows where, maybe not even alive anymore. All I have left from him is his old duster and his child and a hole in my heart. He would have loved the baby, I know he would. He loves so completely if he does and he always had a way around kids. He's always been better with Dawn than I have. This is his only chance at fatherhood but he will never see his child, will not come back, they never do.

 

I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me
cry
There's so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all
 

Now I can't tell him that I love him, that I forgive him and hope he forgives me and that I want us to be a family, now all I can do is hang on to what is left. My sister, my baby and who is left of my friends. Now it's too late to tell him the truth, too late to let him know everything I  didn't want to acknowledge until he was gone.

 

So take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of
your face
Take a look at me now, 'cos there's just an empty space
But to wait for you, well that's all I can do and that's what
I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, 'cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take, oh, oho

I know there's only a slim chance that I'll ever see him again, but I have to hang on to this last straw because that's what is giving me hope, that and that I'll always have a part of him now. Our child.

 

Just take a look at me now

 

I'm broken out of my reverie by my brat sister yelling my name. "What is it, Dawn?" I yell back at her. "We've got no more milk." "And why are you screaming like the world is ending?" I say entering the kitchen to see Dawn crawling into the fridge.

"Well, I wanted to cook something and needed milk since we don't have any milk, I'd say pizza. Anchovies okay with you?!" Fish? As in stinky little animals? I don't think so. Next thing I know I'm in the bathroom hanging over the toilette and throwing up like there's no tomorrow. I thought it was supposed to be morning sickness, as in only in the morning.

"Buffy, you alright?" dawn asks from the bathroom door. "Yeah, Dawnie, just peachy." I say looking up at her. "Dawn, I think we need to talk."

She follows me into the living room where I sit down on the couch, pulling my hands into my lap. I know, I have to tell her. Dawn plops down next to me. "So, what is it?" I can't bring myself to look into her eyes, there should be a book 'How to tell your sister, that you're pregnant with demon-spawn' "I'm pregnant" I mumble, barely audible. "Care to repeat that?" I look up and repeat it, a little louder this time. "Buffy, that's, that's so cool. I'm going to be like Auntie Dawn and all grown up and stuff." Then she suddenly looks at me quite serious. "Whose is it? Don't tell me Riley's." "Dawn, he's married, I'd never have..." "So?" She says. "Spike's." "Buffy, you know that he's a vampire, don't you?! That's like...impossible." "I know, Dawn, but there was nobody else and I'm three month along so it is Spike's. And it happened before. Angel and Darla had a child and with us living on the hellmouth...I actually do not know how or why I just know it did happen." "Is it human?" I smile at her. "Yeah. I've been to the doctor earlier this week and he did this ultrasound thingy and it's a healthy baby with heartbeat and all. Dawn, I want to have this baby. I don't know how I'm going to make it, with my sucky job and all but I really do want this." "Then you'll make it, Buffy. I'm like a built in babysitter. It's so cool. Do you know what it is?" "No, it was too early to see something." She's practically jumping up and down in her seat. "We have to know, we have to paint the baby's room blue or pink, it would be so cute." "Dawnie, I'm barely pregnant." "Hey, best Aunt in the world here so let me." Then she gets quiet. "What about, Spike?" "He's gone." She gives me a look that says 'Duh, really?' "I don't know if he'll be back, I think we'll have to raise the little one on our own." A tear rolls down from my eye. "Buffy, do you love him?" "Yeah, Dawnie, I really do." She puts an arm around me. "He'll be back, he always came back."

 

Dawn is starting high school today, the new Sunnydale High. On the Hellmouth. I think I'm more nervous than her. Xander is going to pick us up soon, he's working at the new gym. He's quite the overprotective guy since he knows I'm having a baby. Always comes patrolling with me and Dawn. He's really got a talent for being knocked out. Anya reopened the magic box, Willow's going to come home soon and I'm fat. None of my clothes fit anymore. I'm five month along now and moved from my room into Willow's, she'll be living on campus when she's back, and the Aunt-monster is redecorating my old room. Since we know I'm having a girl there's nothing that can stop her. She's spending all the money I don't have. Money's still pretty tight but Giles got me a salary from the council so I could quit my job at the Doublemeat, which is of the good, cause grease and Buffy, equals sick Buffy. First thing I did was burning the cow-hat. I hear a cardoor slam outside. "Dawn, Xander's here, could you please come down, like... now?!" I yell. "Just a minute." She yells right back. "You're going to be late on your first day, that's going to make some impression." I tell her opening the door for Xander. "Hey Buffster, hey baby-Buffy" He says entering. Xanders pretty alright with the fact that I'm having Spike's baby and he didn't even freak when I told him that I loved him, Spike that is. Giles, well, he *did* freak. Willow told me he cleaned his glasses for hours. "Hey Xander" I say walking into the kitchen, Dawn finally coming down as well. "I made cereal. Eat something." "Kay." Xander gives me a funny look. "How exactly do you make cereal?" "Ah, you put the box near the milk. I saw it on the food channel. Want something?" He shakes his head 'no'. "I've already eaten. How are you?" "Well, my sister is about to go to the same high school that tried to kill me for three years. I can't change districts, I can't afford private school, and I can't begin to prepare for what could possibly come out of there. I'm pregnant and fat and in some months a little human is going to come out of me and I don't have any idea  how to handle a baby. So, peachy with a side of keen, that would be me." Well here's a little something for what ails ya." He says showing me some papers of the school he brought along. We go into the dining room so I can take a closer look. Dawn comes in with her bowl of cereal mumbling something around a mouth full. "Go. Talk with your mouth full." I scold her. She rolls her eyes at me and Xander brings my interest back to the plans. "I've got two crews working on this diabolical yet lucrative new campus. One here finishing the Science building. And one here, reinforcing the Gym. There are no pentagrams, no secret passageways. Everything's up to code and safe as houses." "Nothing creepy? Strange? From beyond?" I ask him. "Maybe you're just paranoid." Dawn says, again with a full mouth. Look what kind of authority I have, this baby's going to do what it wants.

Xander interrupts my thoughts. "Well, there is one interesting detail. I managed to scare up the plan from the old high school. You remember the very center of Sunnydale's own hell mouth?" He says proceding the plans from the old school from his many many papers."Under the library." I answer him. "Right. So I lined up the plans, new and old. And right exactly where the library was, we now have..." I think he tries to bring in some suspense here by lining up the plans against the window really slow. Finally he's got it and where used to be the library there's now the... "Principal's office." "So the principal's evil?" Dawn asks finally without chewing something. "Or in a boatload of danger." I tell her.

"Well the last two principals were eaten. Who would even apply for that job?" Xander throws in. Well I for one still don't understand those mayor demon thing because eating Snyder? Can we say 'gross'?

"Guess we'll see. Ooh, we have to leave though. You have everything? Books, lunch, stakes?" I ask Dawn."Checked thrice." Xander whispers to me. "Did you give her the..." "No, I was saving it." "What is it?" Dawn wants to know.

"Back to school gift." I answer. "It's a weapon, isn't it?" "Yes, it is." I tell her, well it is a cell phone, but you can like throw it at something, so it could be a weapon.

On our way to the school I tell Xander and Dawn that I'm going  to take a look at the school. "I'm gonna take her to class, have a look around." Xander nods in acknowledgement and Dawn keeps staring out the car window.

"OK. I'm gonna be on-site here all day, so if you have any needs..." I nod at him before Dawn and I get out of the car and he drives of.

"Now, remember, if you see anything strange... or, you know...dead." I tell Dawn for what must be the trillionst time. "I got it." "And stay away from hyena people, or any lizard-type athletes, you know, or if you see anyone that's invisible."

"Hey, Buffy, I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not going to see anybody that's invisible."

"You know, you could still drop out. Only nerds finish high school." Let me hope, okay?! "You know, I don't really think it's fair for you to try and scare me on my first day of high school. 'Cause it is so redundant."

"The place is evil." I tell her. Next thing I know we are geeted by a man in a suit.

"Tough to let 'em go, huh?" He says. "Hi." Great Buffy, very eloquent I tell myself.

"I'm Robin Wood. New principal." Nothing like Snyder but still potentially evil,

"Oh, uh, Buffy Summers. This is Dawn." I introduce us.

"Nice to meet you." "Hi." Dawn finally says. Look, it can speak.

"So you're the new principal. I expected you to be more... aged."... and creepy.

"Huh. You seem a bit young to have such a gown-up daughter." Daughter? Daughter?

"Oh. Uh, uh, no. Sister." "Oh, right, um, of course." Well, he is embarassed that's something. Daughter. He *is* evil.

"You didn't really think she's my... it's my hair. I have mom hair. Or is... it's because I'm fat, isn't it?" I ask him running one hand through my hair and one over my swollen stomach. "No..." Dawn tells me quickly, she knows that I'm quite sensitive about my looks at the moment. "I actually have heard of you, Miss Summers." The Principal guy begins." Graduated from the old high school, am I right?" See...evil.

"Uh, yeah. How did you-?" "Well, I better get back to work. Gotta start deadening young minds. It's really nice to meet you. You have fun." I knew it, knew it, knew it. He would have been the first non demony principal. Well, Snyder wasn't exactly a demon but he behaved like one and was waaaay uglier than most demons. "That was suspicious." I observe. "You betcha. Bye." Dawn turns around to leave. Hey...

"Oh, Dawn-" "I know! You never know what's coming. The stake is not the power. To Serve Man is a cookbook. I love you. Go away." And gone she is. Well, I am the Slayer, this is the Hellmouth, I really should take a closer look. First...bathroom, baby made herself comfortable on my bladder. She is her father's kid, no questioning that, already starts annoying me. After I relief myself I just have to check my hair in the mirror. "It's not mom hair" I mumble to myself. Okay, on with inspecting the school. I pass Dawn's classroom where she's embarassing herself talking about her hobbies. Well, this introduction stuff, has always been fun. But no real danger there.

Next stop, Xander. "So, how's it looking? Does the place pass inspection?"

"Sadly it does. No reason to pull Dawn out of here until now but I'm positive that I'll find something. This isn't a coincidence, you know, the school being rebuilt. It means something. " "As in what?" "That I'm going to find out." And off I go again. Back in the school the first thing I run into is of course, the principal. And I don't mean figuratively speaking, I really do run into him, fat belly and all. "Whoa." "Ooh, sorry."

"Miss Summers. I didn't know you were still about." Evil, with a capital 'E'.

"Uh, yeah, I was just looking for-" Well, what was I looking for?!

"I thought in general it was customary for a person who's graduated to, um, you know, go somewhere else." He laughs, hehe really funny. Hear the irony.

"Well, it's a new campus. I'm just getting to know it. You know, make sure it's safe for my sister."  "You know, I, um, have to be honest. I actually know a little bit more about you than I let on before." Aha, I knew it. "Isn't that interesting." "Oh, it really is." "The school board recommended I spend a little time reading your record. It's, um, quite a page-turner. Kind of a checkered past..." "Huh. More like a plaid. Kind of a clan tartan of badness, really. You know, but there were factors." Like saving the world. "Well, it's clear your sister looks up to you, which I think is great." Dawn looking up to me? Well, that's a laugh. Ooooh...idea, here.

"No, she's much, much worse than me. Troublemaker. Expulsion is really the only way to go. You know, or you can suspend her for... three years."

"Well, how 'bout we give her a chance first. Just as long as she keeps her grades up." Well, that works well. Before he can continue my cell phone rings. Thank God. "Boy, that's loud." I think I said that out loud. "That's a part of the reason we don't allow cell phones in-" Does this guy ever stop talking? "Excuse me." I say and turn away from him. "Yeah." I answer the phone.Oh it's Dawnie. 'Don't think I don't know you're still here.' "Oh, sorry. My dog. Uh, dog walker." I tell the principal, not a great excuse but then again I've never been that creative and I don't think he'd appreciate Dawn calling me during school hours. "Aren't you supposed to be in a lesson?" I whisper into the phone. 'We've got a break and I would be really thankful if you'd go home. Come on, Buffy. I'll call if something happens.' "Yeah yeah I'll be gone soon." 'Thanks' and with that she hangs up. I think I'm going to use that as a pretence to get away from the very talkative evil principal.

"Uhm...I have to go. My...dog. It's like, dead." Told you, not creative here. "Your dog is dead?" "Ehm...yeah. OK. Sorry about that. I-I have to ... "

"Yeah. No, of course. And good luck with that...dog tragedy." I practically run away from him. Okay, were to, now? While still thinking I come to the basement door. Looking things up won't hurt, will it?! So, down I go.

So, nothing, nothing and nothing. There are tables, chairs and dust, a lot of dust.

Oh a door, maybe it's an evil door. Locked. Just as I want to break it down it opens and there is... "Spike? Are you real?" He stares at me. "Buffy?" He's looking so lost. His roots are showing and he's so thin. His shirt isn't totally closed and I can see that he's got cuts all over his chest. "Since when have you been back? What are you doing here?" I ask him. He looks at me but flinches and looks at the floor again. "Some days and I couldn't exactly go back to my crypt. Didn't think you wanted to see me." "But this is the Hellmouth." "Seemed like a good idea at the time." He grins almost like he used to. "Look Spike, we need to talk, could you come over to my house after sundown? And bring your things you're not staying here, we'll find something else." "He tentatively looks me in the eyes and then nods at me. I turn around and walk up the stairs. He's really back. I don't think he saw my belly. It was kinda dark down there. Still lost in my thoughts I walk around a corner and into, of course, the Principal. "You still here?" he asks. "Looks like. But I'll be gone now." "Look, I know you're probably more than happy to get out of this place. Or maybe not, since you're still running around here, but I gotta tell you, Miss Summers, I think you belong here." "Hmm, new?"

"Listen, I know this school's reputation. What, you think I got this job based on seniority? We got a lot of troubled students here, and just enough money to keep this place from caving in."

"Yeah, you might need a little extra there." Like a Slayer...

"Well, we do have a community outreach program. And the money we could pay you... wouldn't even fold. But it would just be a couple of days a week."

"Are you asking me to be a counselor?" Well, I get paid now, but I could really use the extra money and I could look after Dawn.

"Well, we have a guidance counselor, but I was thinking the kids could use someone, you know, closer to their age who still-"

"I'm in!" "What, you serious? You-you did hear the part about the money, right?"

"Yeah, I heard. My schedule might be a little funtastic, but, uh, I'll work it out. I'd like to keep an eye on this place."

"Well, that's great. Look at that. It's not even noon, and I've already bullied my first family member into helping out. I'm going to be the best principal ever."

Usually the principals get eaten so don't think too much of yourself, I think to myself. "Hm...Mr.Wood." I begin. "You do realize that I'm having a baby and that I won't be working here for long." "Yeah. It's kinda obvious, but I'm positive that we'll work it out when it comes to it." Says it and walks away. Obvious? Obvious? Okay, I am fat. But this could be a really good day. I've got a new job, there doesn't seem to be something going on on the Hellmouth and most importantly, Spike's back.

When Xaner brings Dawn home from school I'm almost bursting with anticipation to tell them. Xander might  freak a tiny bit but I don't care. "So Dawn, how was school." "Okay..." "Xander, Dawn sit down." I tell them from my place on the couch, my hands resting on my stomach. "Ooh serious talk." Dawn sing songs. "I've got some news." "Am all ears, Buffster." "I've got a job at you school, Dawn. As some kind of councelour."  Dawn smiles but her smile vanishes as quickly as it appeared. "Oh that's...terrible. You're going to be there like, all the time." " I know Dawn, but you'll have to deal. I really need the extra money since you spend everything on things for the baby or make me spend it." Dawn's moping but I really couldn't care less. "There's more." "Oh joy." Dawn quips."IsawSpike" I make it sound like one word." Xanders eyes get big, beedy eyes indeed. "When?" He asks. "In the school, he seems to be like sleeping in the basement." I tell them. "Buffy, does he know?" Dawn asks motioning to my stomach." "No, I don't think so, but he'll come here later. Xander I would really appreciate if you would support me, no matter what. I want him to be part of this, I want him back." "I'm not happy with that, Buffy, but I won't give you a hard time about it." "Thanks." I almost whisper. I'm really relieved. "Dawnie, could you like stay at Janice's tonight, I'd really like to talk to him in quiet." Dawn nods and gets up to call her friend. Xander says his good bye and leaves as well.

 

The sun set like half an hour ago, Dawn's at Janice's and I can't keep still for five seconds straight. I'm going crazy. I'm wearing a wide pullover so he won't know right away. Finally there's a knock at the door. I take a deep breath before I open it. There on the other side is standing the man I thought I'd never see again with a small bag in his hand. He's wearing a blue shirt and seems to have bleached his hair. I usher him in. He plops the bag down by the door and we awkwardly sit down on the couch, some space between us. Something about him is different. "You've changed." I tell him. "I have." He's so quiet, nothing like his arrogant, cocky self. "New clothing. Better hair. I like it." So small talk....it's a start.

He takes a deep, unneeded breath. "Do not start by saying you're sorry." I tell him.

"I didn't come back to atone." I nod and look up at him to go on. "I know you'll never forgive me. I came back because I don't have anywhere else to be. This is home. I'll help you slaying if you'll have me but I don't expect anything. I know now, that you'll never love me. Buffy, I'm well aware that what I did was wrong but I won't say sorry because it'll never be enough, just know that I am, sorry that is." "I know Spike." I tell him taking his hand. " I knew it the night you left. "He tries to pull his hand away but I hold on tight when he starts to speak again I put afinger to his lips. "No, my turn. So much happened since you left. Willow, Tara...." "I heard about it." He tells me.I feel the tears welling up in my eyes at the memories. "The moment you left the house that night, I knew I'd lost you and after everything that happened I came to realize that I've already forgiven you and that I wanted you back." "Buffy I don't deserve..." "No, listen. We both did wrong with each other. We hurt each other so much. But Spike, I had to realize the hard way that I did indeed love you, that I do. And something good came out of all this." I take his hand and lay it down on my belly. He looks up at me in shock. Tear glittering in his eyes as well. "Mine?" He whispers. "Yeah." I tell him equally quiet. "But how?" He asks totally in awe. "I don't know, I don't care. All I know is that this is our baby and that you are back now to experience this with me, that's if you still love me." I know he does but I want to hear him say it.  "Of course I do. I'll never stop loving you. Do you? Love me?" "Yes Spike, more than I thought possible." He gives me a big smile. "Buffy, I thought you'd stake me and now you give me everything I've ever dreamed of." I pull his arm tighter around me, needing to feel that he's here and real. "I need to tell you something." He says. "What?" I ask suddenly afraid what he might have to tell me. "I went to Africa to see a demon about my chip." Okay, panick now. "Turned out that what I really wanted wasn't the chip out but...Buffy I've got my soul back." "Tell me it hasn't one of those happines clause thingies." He chuckles at that. "No, Luv. All mine." "Good." I say pulling him down into a kiss.

 

And him coming back to me was against all odds...

 

 

 

Comments: Well, I once promised myself never to write a baby-fic. That worked out well.

I dedicate this story to Nina and mel.

Again not beta-ed yet.