-
- Date: 30.November
2002
- Title: Feel
- Author: Das
Jessy
- Summary: Let's
say, She thinks.
- Rating: PG
- Category: Buffy/Spike
sort of , songfic, Buffy-POV
- Disclaimer: All
mine. Grr...let me dream.
- Spoilers: Season
6, around Double Meat Palace
- Feedback: Yes
yes yes
- Author's note: First
Buffy FF, third FF in english and english isn't my first
- language.
-
-
- 'Feel'
-
- I have to think. I really really have to think.
Problem, I don't want to. But eww, I did it again. He was there and it just
happened and it's so so so wrong. I don't know how and I surely don't know
why butsomehow I just got here. I was just taking a walk needing to think
but not wanting to. Now I'm sitting here drinking, God knows what this stuff
is, but it has a nice color so it can't be *that* bad. I don't know if it
tastes good, I haven't really tasted much since 'my friends' brought me
back. It just fits, I don't feel so I don't taste. And now I'm here trying
to think but not able to and definitely not about Spike and what we...no
let's not go there.
- There's no band playing at the Bronze tonight, not
that I care, but they are playing this CD for the third time since I arrived,
which doesn't mean anything because I don't even know how long I've been
sitting here. But this song...I've heard it before.
- 'Come and hold my hand I want to contact the living'
thats sorta fitting since I'm dead girl walking, I think.
- 'Not sure I understand This role I’ve been given'
I surely don't understand what's going on since I've come back and I never
liked my role as the chosen one,
- 'I sit and talk to God And he just laughs at my
plans' Problem is *I* don't even *have* plans and I'm not sure I believe in
god, I mean there are gods, I got enough of them for the rest of my life
with Glory and all but *one* God...I don't think so.
- 'My head speaks a language I don’t understand' ok
that fits again,
- 'I just want to feel real love In the home that I
live in ‘Cause I got too much life Running through my veins Going to waste
' I surely wanna feel real love again, feel anything
but I'm only able to feel when I'm with Spike. But that's just so wrong, I
am wrong.'I don’t want to die But I ain’t keen on living either', no,
that I'm really not, but do I want to die? I don't think so. I'm not
happy now but as I sang when this demon was in town, -what was his name
again?!- Sweet, Sweet it was, there are a million things or more I should be
dancing for, I just don't see them now. 'Before I fall in love I’m
preparing to leave her' "Him" it would be, but I will never, never fall in love with Spike, never, he's...he's evil. I get
defensive even thinking about loving Spike but would it be all that bad?! He
did so much, he helped me and he cared for Dawn even after I died. But my
friends, they would never understand. Am I really thinking about being in
love with Spike?! 'I scare myself to death That’s why I keep on running '
I think I do not only scare myself, I think I scare everybody and I *do* run
away, everytime something doesn't work the way I want it to, I always have.
Like years ago after this thing with Angel , as I left for LA. And then I
was going to dance till I burned which would have been a running away just
the same, a running away from every problem, just as I always run when
anybody is getting to close, especially Spike. Everytime he wants to comfort
me I run away and hurt him and it feels wrong, I don't know why. I'm
supposed to slay him , to kill him not to care for him. And he isn't
supposed care for me either, but he does, he has prooved that he cares and
that he even loves me.
- 'Before I’ve arrived I can see myself coming I
just want to feel real love In the home that I live in Cause I got too much
life
Running through my veins Going to waste I need to feel real love And a life
ever after I cannot give up I just want to feel real love In the home that I
live in I got too much love Running through my veins Going to waste' -Do I
want to waste my life? I don't think so. I don't have a perspective at the
moment but it has to get easier and maybe I'll be happy again, maybe I will
be my old self again. Not now but some day, maybe.'I just want to feel real
love In a life ever after There’s a hole in my soul You can see it in my
face It’s a real big place' But why do I have the feeling that just one
person can fill this hole, and he doesn't even have a soul?!'Come and hold
my hand I want to contact the living Not sure I understand This role I’ve
been given Not sure I understand Not sure I understand Not sure I understand
Not sure I understand' I don't understand, but maybe this isn't about
understanding, maybe it's about feeling. And if he's the person I feel with,
the person I want to hold my hand- isn't he the right person to help me
contact the living, help me contact my friends then even if he himself is
dead? It doesn't feel right at all but I do
feel something, and even if my friends don't like it, it's the closest
thing to love I've felt since I came back. And he loves me, he really does,
I understand *that* now. And I hurt him so much, but I hope he gives us a
chance. I am ready to give us one
now. I leave the Bronze, the funny looking drink forgotten and even if I'm
not really sure how it shall go on I at least have some hope
now.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
- Comments: Ok, that's it. The song 'Feel' is by
Robbie Williams, and I thought it fitted pretty well.
- I dedicate the story to Nina and Yasi, see you both
soon. And to, of course to Mel, too.
- Thanks to my betas. Kisses to everybody from the
Klo7 Forum.
- You can find my other stories at
www.spirit-of-x.de.vu