starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, PETER JONES and WILLIAM FRANKLYN, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 27 March 1985)
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Peter Jones, Derek Nimmo and William Franklyn in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much. Hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And as you heard we have three of our regular players of the game. And we welcome back in the guest chair someone who didn't win many points when he was here a number of weeks ago, but did contribute a great deal to the show, we welcome William Franklyn. And once again I am going to ask them to speak, at different times one hopes, on the subject that I will give them, and I hope they're going to do it, or at least they're going to try and do it without hesitation, repetition, or deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. And let us begin the show this week with Derek Nimmo. Derek, the subject is hail in Just A Minute starting now.
DEREK NIMMO: Hail originally meant healthy. And it was a word which when you met somebody you said hail, like "hail MacBeth, hail Lord of Garnes" meaning that you hoped that the fellow was tolerably well. Because lots of languages, if you're having a drink, you might say bon sense or something or (unintelligible) and all those words mean what I told you, which is the actual meaning of hail. Now why don't we use words like that in English, I do not know, we would all survive...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.
PETER JONES: Repetition of words.
NP: Yes you used the word words before, I'm sorry Derek. So Peter you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that and there are 31 seconds on hail starting now.
PJ: Hale is one of my favourite towns in Cornwall, not because it's particularly beautiful or attractive, but it is the penultimate urban area before you reach the coast in Mounts Bay. And there's an estuary, there are wading birds and dippers and mud larks and all kinds of things as you sweep round this crescent shaped er wall...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Er.
NP: There was an er there so Derek you have a correct challenge, another point, and six seconds on hail starting now.
DN: The worst hailstorm that I ever saw was on the Laos border with Cambodia. I'd just come through the jungle, there'd been a tremendous thunderstorm the night before. And suddenly...
WHISTLE
NP: When Ian Messiter who sits beside me blows his whistle, it tells us that 60 seconds are up. And whoever is speaking at that moment gains an extra moment, and if course it was Derek Nimmo who has a lead at the end of the first round. Kenneth the subject is finches. Will you tell us something about that in Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Well they're of the Passerine variety. And they also include canaries, bunting. And they have horn which is very interesting because they only paw seeds. But Finch's greatest success undoubtedly was in The Giaconda Smile. I think Finch was better in that than anything else. They said Finch is best in Shakespeare, I didn't agree...
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
WILLIAM FRANKLYN: I must question about when Finch was in The Giaconda Smile.
NP: Yes I don't...
WF: Was that after Captain Cavello?
NP: Yeah I don't think Peter Finch was in The Giaconda Smile.
WF: No you're thinking of that one that was at Windham.
KW: I'm talking about John Finch, you're thinking of probably Peter Finch...
WF: I don't think John Finch was born when The Giaconda Smile was done.
KW: On the contrary, he did it in revival at York!
WF: Oh!
KW: Very good he was too! I had the good fortune to go up there, apropos Barry Letts's invitation, and I was delighted to see it.
NP: Shall I put that to the audience? Do they know whether John Finch played at the revival in York, of Finch, of Giaconda Smile?
KW: What are you so concerned about veracity for, when you've so often said on this programme we're allowed a certain amount of licence. I've heard you do it!
NP: I know! But if you are deviating, and Bill has a...
KW: Oh of course I forgot you're ill! Yes I forgot! Yes! No you mustn't laugh at infirmity, you mustn't!
NP: Bill Franklyn, would you take over the subject of finches with 33 seconds starting now.
TWO SECOND PAUSE
BUZZ
WF: Actors.... what?
KW: Hesitation I'm afraid.
NP: Yes I'm afraid so.
WF: I was breathing, I apologise.
NP: It's very difficult, you have to breathe very rapidly in Just A Minute. You went two seconds.
WF: Or not at all if you want to really be at home!
NP: All right Kenneth, finches is back with you, 31 seconds starting now.
KW: Finches excited the attention of that very distinguished ornithologist Ludwig Koch. And you know he spent nights out in the... gardens...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: I think so.
KW: No! Of course it wasn't hesitation.
NP: It was, you were going very slowly too.
KW: I wasn't! Rubbish! I've never been known to talk slowly! Ask the audience! Do I talk slowly?
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: Shut your rows! How do they get these people here? Of course they get in for nothing, that's why you get them...
NP: Derek you have the subject of finches, 19 and a half seconds starting now.
DN: When I was at school, my prefects were called Finches. They were two brothers, they were very nice fellows. One became a canon of the Church of England in a parish in Wiltshire, did awfully well. And I remember him teaching me my school motto, it was...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
PJ: Repetition of school.
NP: Yes you talked about being at school and then the school motto...
DN: Yes all right, I know!
NP: Seven seconds for you Peter on finches starting now.
PJ: It's a very good off-licence and I can suggest that if you go there now and get some rum, and mix it with a bit of lemon juice...
WHISTLE
NP: You didn't get time to add...
PJ: It would do you the world of good!
NP: ... the chairman should do that for his cold.
KW: Hurry up! Come on! Don't do all this meandering you keep indulging in! You want to get this thing moving! We don't want to hear all this rubbish about marks! Who cares what earns what? Absolute rubbish!
NP: I know it's what you contribute that is important...
KW: It just holds everything up, doesn't it!
NP: But some people do like to hear...
KW: Who cares about how many marks you score? They don't give a damn, do they!
NP: They do, some people, you're interested aren't you?
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: There you are, Peter Jones is in the lead, he's two ahead of Derek Nimmo...
PJ: I'm in the lead?
NP: Yes.
PJ: Oh.
NP: And William Franklyn begins the next round, William, an odd orchestral instrument, can you tell us something about one of those in Just A Minute starting now.
WF: During the last war, certain musical programmes were used for sending messages to the Underground, operating in Europe. By the surreptitious orchestrating of the triangle, SOE or for those who aren't conversant with it, special operations executive, and other similar outfits, they sent Morse coded information covering the entire panoply of subterfuge operations. Working out a detailed and incisive communication to be transmitted on this odd musical instrument was very nearly as laborious and boring as this particular passage of (unintelligible) that we are now passing through. I'm more than delighted to repeat myself in order to be released from this earth shattering and otherwise paralysing...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged you.
PJ: Repetition.
NP: What of?
PJ: What? Ah practically everything!
NP: Actually he didn't repeat anything, but he did pause.
PJ: He paused as well, yeah, I was just...
NP: You said he was hesitating.
WF: I think that was a particularly vicious attack at a time when things were flowing quite well.
NP: Yes it's all right Bill, I'our side. You didn't, I listened very carefully, you didn't repeat anything.
PJ: You're on his side?
NP: I agree, I disagree with your challenge.
PJ: Oh I see.
NP: So I must be on his side.
PJ: Yeah I suppose it does yes.
NP: I' not partisan to anybody, I try to be fair all the time.
PJ: Yes I know. And labouring as you are under a severe cold, head cold, I think you're doing terribly well.
NP: Thank you very much. Bill you did not repeat yourself so you have just 20 seconds to continue on an odd orchestral instrument starting now.
TWO SECOND PAUSE
WF: Later on...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
WF: What?
DN: Hesitation.
NP: That was a hesitation.
WF: What was?
DN: You didn't say anything you see!
NP: You didn't say anything for two seconds.
WF: I started to and the buzzer went! Does he hear the buzzer before you press it?
NP: No you've got to, as soon as I say now, you've got to start. Derek Nimmo has 19 seconds on an odd orchestral instrument starting now.
DN: I remember going to Corfu, an island which belongs to the Greek Republic. And there I went to the most extraordinary concert. A man called Papacusto went out on to the stage with a tuba which he hit with a clothes peg. And you've never heard anything...
WHISTLE
NP: So Ian Messiter was laughing so much that he couldn't blow his whistle. But we got a little noise that tells us that 60 seconds was up. And Derek Nimmo was speaking at that moment, gained an extra point, and he's gone ahead in the lead, one ahead of Peter Jones. Bill, William Franklyn is in third place, and Kenneth Williams in fourth. Derek your turn to begin, the subject branches. Will you tell us something about those in Just A Minute starting now.
DN: A branch is anything analogous to the limbs of a tree. And it can be used often for other outlets say of stores. Companies like Woolworth's have branches or Freeman Hardy and Willetts, the Boots company. Also of course and most memorably, the wonderful John Lewis partnership. Selfridges I believe exist in other parts, and many different kinds of branches. And if any of you think of British Home and I've repeated the other word so I won't do that one again. And Marks and Spencers, starting up there in Leeds all those years ago, the Seeps. And now they've got branches, not only in this country, ladies and gentlemen, but even in Hong Kong. That's the kind of branches that this country needs, going out for the export drive to bring people back...
BUZZ
DN: What's the matter with you? Who done that?
NP: Peter Jones why have you challenged?
PJ: Repetition of country.
NP: I know. He was really in full flood, wasn't he?
DN: It was countries and country. Quite different.
PJ: I thought he said in this country...
DN: It's countries, going to different countries.
NP: He did, you're quite right Derek. Yes you're quite right so Peter I disagree with the challenge. And I think we're going to let you get away with that advertising because you did at least mention every store possible you could think of! There are 11 seconds on branches with you Derek starting now.
DN: A branch is smaller than a bough and larger than a twig. And if you went out underneath the spreading oak tree...
WHISTLE
NP: So Derek Nimmo has increased his lead at the end of the round, and Peter Jones takes the next round. Peter the subject is the stain on the floor.
DN: Oh!
NP: It could be quite a nice one Derek, don't be like that. Peter you have 60 seconds as usual and you start now.
PJ: What an extraordinary choice of subject for Ian Messiter to make and give to me to speak about. I can only suppose that he must have had a few drinks and fallen perhaps face down on the carpet. And the result of this accident caused him to think of giving me, um...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Ah hesitation.
NP: I quite agree yes. So there are 21, sorry, 40 and a half seconds, the stain on the floor Derek starting now.
DN: It was 25 minutes past midnight when I went to the room. And there on the floor was this sinister red stain. I picked up the telephone and dialled nine something similar three times. And there I got a reply, the tonstable said "what is it?" I said "there's the most terrible stain on the floor, come now quickly..."
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: He said "I got a reply, the chancable said". What's a chancable?
DN: Chancable is the name of the constable, you see.
KW: Oh I see.
DN: He's Detective Sergeant Chancable.
KW: Oh I see.
DN: What was that part you played, Trunstable or something?
WF: He's a transferred constable actually.
DN: Chancable, very nice fellow actually.
NP: But it wasn't, it wasn't the constable Chancable. No it was the Chancable which is deviation from the English of constable. So Kenneth you have the subject, 35, 25 seconds, the stain on the floor starting now.
KW: I had a very nasty stain on the floor, and I thought to myself, well, this is going to be quite a job in terms of eradicating. But luckily I had the most wonderful remedy to hand. It's the stuff you use for de-furring a kettle. Now dampen a cloth, shove a little bit on, and you will find not leaving it too long...
WHISTLE
KW: It works like a dream! Really does! Very good!
NP: So In Just A Minute, we're not only informed and entertained, but also we discover a great deal about the private lives of our four panellists. Kenneth Williams has moved forward, he's now in third place alongside William Franklyn, they're trailing behind Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo. And Kenneth you begin the next round, the subject is quasars. Will you tell us something about those in the game starting now.
KW: They emit the most extraordinarily powerful radio beams and light. They were first discovered about 35 it was, Cyril Hazard of the Astronomy Institute in Cambridge. I made the mistake of thinking that place in Massachusetts. But no, it is in the English county. And it led Professor Carbite to say that the star could give more illumination than Southend. he said Blackpool Illuminations look like a safety mat, rather clever, it worked well. Now I thought to myself when that occurred, now there is an interesting piece of information. Because often only by comparisons do we find out the real quality of anything. It's like hot only being possible because of cold...
WHISTLE
NP: Well this has happened more than once in this series of Just A Minute. Kenneth Williams begins with the subject and keeps going to the end without being interrupted.
KW: Mmmm!
NP: Magnificent achievement Kenneth!
KW: No it wasn't, nobody else wanted the subject!
NP: That's another thought yes. But anyway you kept going, you got a point for speaking as the whistle went and a bonus point for not being interrupted. And I'm fascinated to know what Bill Franklyn was writing all that time. Were you writing a letter home or something?
WF: No I was trying to work out some anagrams of quasars because I thought it was such a dull word in its present condition, that there might be a more interesting variation amongst the anagrams. And I ended up with sasquar which is a Hindu tribal custom which I won't elaborate on now.
NP: I will say this Bill, you are the most relaxed guest we've ever had on the show. That anybody could do anagrams while the show is in progress...
WF: Well only because I'm actually trying to keep up with it all. And therefore by putting on this sort of phoney effect of being relaxed, I'm actually struggling through. My head is not above water as yet.
NP: Oh.
WF: It's gone very quiet. It's actually been fun to come along and actually see it all happening. It's rather like going to see an operation, you know, or a heart transplant for the first time.
NP: And that's what it comes across to you like, Just A Minute, an operation.
WF: Oh slightly yes, it's a sort of brain transplant on a newt really!
NP: Well would you like to take the next subject?
WF: Yes certainly.
NP: Right well let's hear from you in the game now. The subject is when my big end went.
WF: When my big end went, it was a play that was being done, and there was a detective who didn't appear until the end of the first Act. It was the first night, he was very nervous, it was an Agatha Christie. He waited in his macintosh with his pulled down snap brim hat and he paced up and down in his dressing room, made up. And he waited and waited until the time came...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones challenged.
WF: Waited and waited, it was dramatic licence to use the same word twice.
NP: I know, but you don't want to draw attention to it.
WF: You're quite right.
NP: He might have challenged on something else.
WF: I know. They'll never know the ending, it's such a pity because it's a wonderful story!
NP: I think it's a very frustrating game as well if you have a good story...
WF: No I'll keep it for...
NP: Right Peter yes your challenge?
PJ: Ah repetition.
NP: Yes, waiting, and 19...
WF: Very good to have spotted that!
NP: Thirty-nine seconds Peter on...
WF: He's got a heart of gold too!
NP: ... when my big end went starting now.
PJ: I'd like to hear more about what happened after he waited and waited.
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
WF: Yes!
NP: Yes.
WF: So you shall! So you shall!
NP: So Bill you have 34 seconds on when my big end went starting now.
TWO SECOND PAUSE
WF: The actor playing the detective...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Well he didn't say anything again! He just sort of sits there.
NP: I know he does it. Bill we're going to give you, we're going to be generous. And say when I say now, you must begin.
WF: Oh what's that buzz, oh you're the, oh that's right. You know what gets me every time? As you say go, I pause...
NP: I don't say go...
WF: ... and I think that's the buzzer and that's Derek over there. You're a right Derek, aren't you?
NP: I think...
WF: I'll put you up above a building and lower you down!
NP: i think Bill you're learning, I think you're learning the game as well as the others, you're being very crafty and clever now.
WF: Am I?
NP: Yes you are, because that's absolute rubbish, you just wriggled out of it...
WF: I, I was quite honest and truthful, the whole thing.
NP: It can't be!
WF: You can see I'm vulnerable, can't you?
NP: You have 33 seconds, you have now 33 seconds...
WF: They sit over there and they don't like us, do they really?
NP: ... but you must begin when I say now. I never say go, I say now. Are you ready? Thirty-three seconds starting now.
WF: Um this...
BUZZ
LOUD HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE
WF: Kenneth has just accepted a contract to do you!
DN: (can't speak for laughing) After all that instruction!
WF: I mean I collapsed.
NP: I know but the audience enjoyed it so much I'm going to allow you to keep the subject. You have 31 seconds...
WF: The police...
PJ: How strong is this story? Because it's getting such a build-up, I'm getting worried!
NP: When my big end went Bill, starting now.
TWO SECOND PAUSE
WF: The detective...
BUZZ
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM NP, DN, KW AND THE AUDIENCE
WF: Maybe I've got slow hearing! I get the word now, it forms in my head, and Derek has got his finger up that thing!
NP: Yes it's Kenneth this time!
KW: Yes it seems to be hours before he starts!
WF: Hours!
NP: I've come to the conclusion Bill, that you're never going to get started so...
WF: They may enjoy it, you see. It's got quite a reasonable tag.
NP: They have enjoyed it, but I don't know how long we can keep it up. So I’m going to give it to Kenneth now because he buzzed then and there are 30 seconds for Kenneth on when my big end went starting now.
KW: We had come down Haverstock Hill, and of course prior to going on that particular route we had removed the engine. And when it arrived...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition.
NP: Of what?
PJ: When.
NP: Well...
WF: Well listened.
DN: Well listened.
WF: Well listened.
DN: Jolly good Peter.
NP: Good challenge so Peter you have when my big end went and there are 18 seconds starting now.
PJ: He waited and waited and then...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo yes.
DN: (laughing) Well repetition, this is getting ridiculous!
NP: I know but the audience are enjoying it.
PJ: I wanted Franklyn to have it, what's the matter with him?
NP: I know you want Bill Franklyn to have it.
PJ: Has he been sniffing glue?
WF: He's got an advanced, one that's advanced on the rest of us. I ought to retire, Derek's at least a second ahead!
NP: No, what he does is he keeps his buzzer in his hand all the time. He doesn't do what you do Bill, you just put it down in front of you...
WF: He likes something in his hand all the time!
NP: Pick your buzzer up and keep it there! Keep your finger on the nipple so we're all ready to go and it works. Right Derek you have a correct challenge, 17 seconds, when my big end went starting now.
DN: When my big end went they thought it was a rather odd orchestral instrument. Because it went (makes farting noise) and everyone said what a very curious noise for a big end to make. And I said well it's not actually. Because if you go outside into the average car park, you will see big ends going that sort of noise all the time...
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn.
WF: Going was repeated.
NP: Yes.
WF: He repeated going, going was repeated.
NP: Yes.
WF: In desperation he repeated the word.
NP: So Bill Franklyn's learning the game! And he's got in with one second to go!
LAUGHTER FROM DN AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: So we've got to see if he can start in one second. The subject Bill is when my big end went starting now.
WF: The inspector...
WHISTLE
NP: So William Franklyn got a number of points in that round, with the help of the chairman and also one for speaking as the whistle went. He's still in third place, but he's catching up on Peter Jones, he's ahead of Kenneth Williams, and they're all behind our leader Derek Nimmo. Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is bugs. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
DN: Thou shall not be afraid of any bugs by night, was from the Coverdale Diary which was called of course the bugs. And I didn't say the word before, B-I-B-L-E, because there was this most great creation which should have been terror. But actually of course, if you think about bugs, do you know what my wife...
BUZZ
NP: Peter Jones has challenged.
PJ: Repetition of course.
NP: Yes you did say of course before Derek.
DN: Absolutely right. He finally got one right.
NP: So Peter you got in on the subject with 42 seconds on bugs starting now.
PJ: Well a lot of people are unnecessarily afraid and fearful of bugs. The ordinary kind, I mean, that you find when you're camping, not the domesticated ones that frequent landladies' feather beds...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: That sounded like hesitation.
NP: I would agree with the hesitation Kenneth, so you have the subject of bugs and 30 seconds starting now.
KW: Bugs were found by Gyles Brandreth in a hotel in the Soviet state of Estonia. And he said it was operating in the toilet, and that Shanks had done the lavatory basin. And he was quite amazed to find an English manufacturer had done the lavatory as opposed to a Russian...
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
WF: Didn't he repeat lavatory?
NP: He did repeat lavatory.
KW: I didn't.
NP: No, he said toilet.
KW: I said toilet the first time, you great fool!
WF: You should never have said that in the first place really.
NP: So he didn't repeat lavatory, it was toilet, I remember now. Two seconds on bugs Kenneth starting now.
KW: Bugs in the bed can be...
WHISTLE
NP: Kenneth Williams was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, and he's now only one point behind Peter Jones, and only four points behind our leader who is still Derek Nimmo. And the next subject is sensation. Peter it's your turn to begin. Will you tell us something about sensation in Just A Minute starting now.
PJ: This is something that the press like to get hold of. And if they can't find a legitimate sensation, then they're apt to build some perfectly nondescript person or small event into a sensation. Because they believe that people like reading about them. So when somebody makes in prison a ghastly picture or something of that kind, they er...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: They er.
NP: Yes.
KW: He erred.
NP: Yes he hesitated. There are 35 seconds left for you to take over the subject of sensation Kenneth starting now.
KW: I had the most extraordinary sensation once in a cinema. And this stuff started going down my leg. And I thought that's funny. And I realised this chocolate ice cream was all going down, you see...
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn challenged.
WF: Repetition of down.
NP: Yes he did say down before. Bill you are learning the game. Are you ready to start? Right there are 20 seconds, sensation starting now.
WF: It is generally believed that the sensation of stroking a dog has a very therapeutic effect on mankind. And over the years it's been proved that if you have a dog...
BUZZ
WF: I knew it!
NP: Derek Nimmo got in first.
DN: Repetition of dog.
NP: Repetition of dog. Nine seconds Derek, sensation starting now.
DN: I was in Bangkok and there was the most wonderful sensation. I'd gone down Thongthong Road and went to this rather curious establishment...
BUZZ
NP: William Franklyn.
WF: Repetition of went.
PJ: Yes it is.
NP: Yes yes he did say went. Oh you've got one second, you are learning the game. It's the last round, it's the last un subject and there's one second for you to go on sensation starting now.
WF: Dog owners generally do not suffer...
WHISTLE
NP: Well as I said this is the last round. So let me tell you that Peter Jones, Kenneth Williams and William Franklyn all finished equal in second place. What could be fairer? And they were only four points behind this week's winner once again, Derek Nimmo! We do hope that you have enjoyed listening to this edition of Just A Minute as much as we have enjoyed playing it, and will want to tune in again same time next week when we take to the air and we play this delightful game. Until then from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Pete Atkin.