starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and BARRY CRYER, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 13 January 1975)
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Barry Cryer in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello, welcome to Just A Minute. And once again I'm going to ask our four keen and bright panellists if they can talk for Just A Minute on some unlikely subject that I will give them without hesitation, without repetition and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me if they can. And according to how well they do that, they will gain points or their opponents will. And we will begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. Kenneth are you ready to start? The subject is how to celebrate. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: This would depend on where you were doing it. Obviously if you were in Batar you would drink the cummiss which is made from fermented mare's milk, and the population has doubled in the last year so you can imagine the effects of that. We should all be having it here. On the Thames of course it's the old black pudding and...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition of of course.
KW: These are parts of speech dear! We're not going to start all that! If you're going to make it one of those evenings, we're going to be here all night! I mean it's ridiculous!
NP: Well it's not going to be one of those evenings, but don't repeat of course again Kenneth. Keep the subject, keep going and you have 43 seconds starting now.
KW: Myself of course I always send...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Well he did repeat of course again.
NP: Yes I'm afraid this time I have to give it against you.
KW: If it's going to be nasty like that, I'm going to give them nothing! Wait till they start! Just wait till they start with their bits of rubbish they come out with and all this repetition they do! I'll just come in on anything so don't worry yourself mate! You'll find you've bitten off more than you can chew dearie! Yes! Yes!
NP: I wasn't particularly worried, I thought I was being rather generous...
KW: I haven't come all the way from Great Portland Street to be made a fool you know!
NP: Kenneth I have to be fair, Derek Nimmo challenged, he gets a point for a correct challenge, he has 41 seconds to continue on how to celebrate starting now.
DN: Gosh there are all sorts of ways to celebrate, what an evocative expression it is, for me anyway. How to celebrate, what a lovely thought! Yes now I start off generally with a...
BUZZ
NP: Barry Cryer has challenged.
BARRY CRYER: Creeping hesitation! It was, it was setting in.
NP: It was setting in, I agree.
BC: Yes.
NP: I don't think it had actually set!
BC: Right.
NP: It was still wobbling a bit.
BC: Right.
NP: Like the jelly that I usually make. Um Barry so I've got to be fair and Derek gets a point for that...
CF: Is this a new thing?
NP: Twenty-seven seconds Derek on how to celebrate starting now.
DN: Whatho I shout and away I go with gin and whisky and scotch and vodka and bottles of lemonade and tonic too because that's very important to water it down a bit. And holly and mistletoe and plum pudding...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: There were six ands.
NP: All right we give it to you Kenneth and you have 17 seconds on how to celebrate starting now.
KW: Well it's very difficult for me because I had earlier on got quite a lot...
BUZZ
NP: Derek challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes I'm afraid Kenneth you do find it more difficult than the rest of them once you've been interrupted to get going again. I do recognise that. But I have to give you back Derek and there are 13 seconds on how to celebrate Derek starting now.
DN: Sitting one night in the Viovenuto I saw coming towards me a beautiful maiden with dark hair, and an olive skin. Let's go and celebrate, I said to her and we wandered through...
WHISTLE
NP: The whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up and whoever is speaking at that moment gains the extra point, on this occasion it was Derek Nimmo so he has taken a very strong lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud will you begin the next round, the subject is the right moment to sound my buzzer. Something we can all talk about in this show but will you try and talk about it now for Just A Minute starting now.
CF: The right moment to sound my buzzer in Just A Minute would be when somebody says of course. But of course as he only said it twice, it would be considered the wrong moment. But if a hesitant creep begins to deviate, then again hesitation would not apply. These are the rules of the chairman aided and assisted by Mister Ian Messiter who thought of this astonishing way of wasting half an hour twice a week and even more frequently. Decided in his wisdom that he would perpetrate a wholesale um...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Hesitation I thought.
NP: Yes he couldn't think what Ian Messiter perpetrated so he hesitated. And Kenneth you got in first. You have the subject, a point and 21 seconds on the right moment to sound my buzzer starting now.
KW: The right moment to sound my buzzer occurs endlessly and yet my charitable foresight I do not do it! Lacking that awful malice that seems to possess so many players of this game, I am chivalrous, I am charming, I just let them get away with it! Murder! You see what I mean...
WHISTLE
NP: And talking about getting away with it, they let you get away with it. I am three times!
KW: Oh!
NP: And you're now in the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of that round. Clement Freud and Barry Cryer have yet to score and Barry Cryer your turn to begin. Barry when someone scratched my new car. Can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.
BC: I was intensely irritated the first time someone scratched my new car. Firstly it wasn't itching. And secondly, I had just purchased it at great expense. And coming out of the house I viewed an enormous laceration along the side of the near side...
BUZZ
BC: Side.
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of side.
NP: Yes.
KW: It was near side, hyphenated.
BC: Near side, I said near side.
KW: Near side, near side, you see it's one word near side.
BC: Thank you very much Kenneth.
NP: Kenneth it's usually the chairman's job to say that but thank you...
KW: Well I thought you were having trouble with your diction so I was helping out.
NP: Barry...
BC: Yes?
NP: You have an incorrect challenge, you have a point, you keep the subject, there are 42 seconds on when someone scratched my new car starting now.
BC: This was a scar the like of which I had never seen upon the surface of an automobile. I turned to my wife. "Doris," I cried which astonished the lady in question as her name is Teresa, "what..."
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Well I mean this is deviation, how dare he talk to his wife by this woman's other name?
NP: Well I think if you were so shattered by seeing a scratch on your new car, you might well call your wife by any name that...
KW: How true, oh King!
NP: Twenty-eight seconds to continue with the subject Barry starting now.
BC: "What is it, my love?" she quoth. "The car is scratched," I reposted. "Never!" she cried and rushed out into the drive, the very portion of tarmac upon which she had been prosecuted for speaking only the week before. Wiping the mist...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, how can she have been arrested for speeding in her own drive?
BC: I didn't say arrested, I said prosecuted.
KW: Well how could she be prosecuted in her own drive?
NP: No she ran down the drive to her car which was in the highway.
BC: Nicholas knows!
KW: I think it's all highly devious rubbish!
NP: I don't...
BC: British rubbish!
KW: It's rubbish, isn't it!
NP: I think he created a very clear picture in spite of his shocked state of where the car was, not in the drive but in the highway.
BC: Thank you very much.
NP: So Barry you continue with when someone scratched my new car, 10 seconds starting now.
BC: May I say how marvellously I think you do this job.
BUZZ
NP: May I say Barry how very well I think you're doing. You have eight seconds to continue on the subject, when someone scratched my new car starting now.
BC: I viewed the offending portion of the automobile's body...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of automobile.
NP: Yes I can't let that one go Barry.
BC: That's true.
NP: Four seconds Derek on when someone scratched my new car starting now.
DN: When someone scratched my new car.
BUZZ
DN: Who buzzed?
NP: Clement Freud did.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: Yes indeed. There are two seconds for you on when someone scratched my new car starting now.
CF: When someone scratched my new car.
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud was then speaking when the whistle went, got that extra point. And a very interesting situation, he's in fourth place, one point behind Barry Cryer and Kenneth Williams, equal in second place, so therefore Clement must be in third place. And Derek Nimmo still in the lead, one point ahead of them.
KW: I don't see why it's an interesting situation. It's just a load of marks, that's all, it's not an interesting situation is it.
NP: I'm trying to whip up a little enthusiasm amongst our listeners.
KW: Ah I see.
NP: Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject is pros and cons. Would you talk about them or on that subject if you can, Just A Minute starting now.
DN: If you wouldn't mind I think I'll deal with them separately and start with the last one, cons. Because you know you can con people in all sorts of ways. Standing in Berrick Market the other day I saw some people playing Chase The Ace...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes you did say people twice.
KW: You can con people, I saw some people.
NP: Thank you very much! If you heard it so well why didn't you buzz?
KW: I wouldn't do that kind of thing. I've not got that sort of instinct, you know, and I can't just cash in one people in that fashion.
NP: Forty-five seconds for you Clement on pros and cons starting now.
CF: Prose is a means of telling people...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Well this is just all juddering to a halt.
NP: Yes so it was hesitation. So you have a correct challenge...
CF: I hadn't started yet. I hadn't got into it.
KW: Oh shut your row!
NP: He doesn't say "shut your row" to you when you...
KW: No of course he doesn't! He's not got my vocabulary, has he!
LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: Nor your ready turn of phrase Kenneth! There are 39 seconds with you to continue on pros and cons starting now.
KW: This of course is the shortening of the argument for as opposed to the one against. And it is something which is practised regularly in the upper chamber and the lower place in the Palace of Westminster where my friend sits quite regularly. He's always there, bobbing up and down, trying to catch the eye of the Speaker. This is one of his er...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes. Yes he didn't catch the eye that time. There are 14 seconds on pros and cons Derek starting now.
DN: Every morning one is faced with pros and cons. Should one go out with one's welly boots and one's raincoat? No, I say, because the sun in shining brightly from the blue sky. But then again a little bit later on the rain might...
WHISTLE
NP: Once again Derek Nimmo was speaking as the whistle went, got that extra point, and he is now in the lead at the end of the round. Kenneth the subject is Venetian doches. Can you talk about them, I'm sure Ian Messiter knowing of your interest in history has thought of this especially for you, you have Just A Minute starting now.
KW: These were elected Dukes to rule the oligarchy of Venice until about 1300 when it became the council of 10. One of the most important of the doches was unquestionably Derriere. I stayed in the Palazzo which is named after him, and has that magnificent ceiling which was painted by Ditian. And I sat under it, listening to a very eminent Venetian gentleman explaining to me about the erection of the place on wooden piles. I didn't know that's how Venice was supported, and he said "oh yes you see, these refugees come to flee from the barbarians and stuck these poles up in the water on which they built their houses and became the absolute queen of the sea." I said "never!" He said "yes! They moved all the way because the overland route through the caravans via Istanbul bringing all those spices and rare juices and..."
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Deviation, he's got a very very long way away from Venetian doches.
NP: But they were bringing all these rare spices and juices to the Venetian doches as far as I could see.
CF: Oh.
NP: I think he's only got one second left, we'll be generous and let him continue for one second on the subject with which he started starting now.
KW: The doches of Venice were...
WHISTLE
NP: So Kenneth speaking when the whistle went got the extra point. And while we were a little generous on the challenge, he has now taken the lead with Derek Nimmo at the end of the round. And Clement Freud your turn to begin, the subject, nodding through.
DN: What?
NP: Nodding through.
DN: Nodding?
NP: Yes that's what Ian Messiter's thought of, nodding. Nodding, N-O-double D-I-N-G through, Just A Minute if you can starting now.
CF: What may well be my problem is that I keep nodding through subjects like Venetian doches on which I actually wanted to speak. Because I was once asked to do a commercial about doches food from Venice...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Repetition of doches.
NP: Yes because that's not the subject on the card, nodding through is the subject on the card.
CF: Yes.
NP: And not Venetian doches. So you repeated it, Derek got in first, 45 seconds on nodding through Derek starting now.
DN: What a lovely title for a song. (sings) We'll go nodding through, don't know where, don't... know when...
BUZZ
CF: Repetition of don't.
NP: Yes.
CF: But more was coming!
NP: But you got there before he did so you have 40 seconds on nodding through Clement starting now.
CF: Nodding through is a very odd Parliamentary practice. What happens is that if someone at Westminster is too ill to go through a division lobby, but finds himself in the confines of the palace, the chief whip, whether he be Conservative, Labour or Liberal, is allowed to go up to the person keeping the record and nod the person through, whereby his name is added to a list and the party which he represents is credited with an extra vote. It's a very strange and odd thing. People have done it when they...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of odd.
NP: Mmmm?
DN: Odd practice, odd thing.
NP: Yes, the odd thing and the odd practice.
CF: It's a very little word, odd.
NP: A very significant and potent word.
CF: Odd?
NP: And five seconds left for nodding through with Derek starting now.
DN: And the Unionist Party also has a whip and I'm very sorry...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Ah deviation, they don't have a whip.
NP: You get a point for a correct challenge, you take over the subject, there are three seconds for you on nodding through starting now.
CF: The Speaker rises in his chair, says...
WHISTLE
NP: Barry we're back with you to start, the subject is getting away with it. Can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.
BC: The very expression getting away with it prompts in my mind feelings of guilt. One has memories of occasions when I personally would admit to things having been...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Why does he keep looking on the floor and looking away? Talk into the microphone. Why does he keep looking way?
NP: He's just showing how hs sense of one-upmanship...
KW: I see, I thought he was cheating. I thought he wasn't playing the game properly by speaking directly into the microphone as I always do!
NP: Except for the 150 times in every show when you turn and face the audience and speak to them.
KW: Oh well, that's because I've got chums out there! I've got to face them!
NP: The whole audience in fact!
KW: Mmmm!
BC: This is victimisation, I don't think I can go on.
NP: No I disagree with his challenge...
BC: My flow's gone now, I mean I just can't continue!
NP: I didn't know you brought her with you! Barry you have a point for an incorrect challenge, you have 47 seconds on getting away with it starting now.
BC: The essence of getting away with it is to create the illusion, the...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: He was speaking into the microphone.
NP: A good challenge but incorrect, 43 seconds on getting away with it Barry starting now.
BC: Getting away with it can in fact be extremely difficult when looking ahead, speaking into microphones and seeing one's two opponents across the stage, one's two protagonists.
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
BC: I hesitated because I realised I'd repeated myself there by, whatever he says is right.
NP: Yes well, what is the challenge Clement?
CF: Just whatever! And I'm right!
NP: He didn't repeat whatever.
CF: Yes, one's and he hesitated.
NP: No he didn't repeat one's.
CF: Yes he did.
DN: He did.
NP: Oh did he, I heard twos, and, two protagonists. There are 32 seconds for you Clement on getting away with it starting now.
CF: Getting away with it is something you achieve when nobody catches you performing the act which you wanted to carry out and not be caught...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: I thought there was a hesitation, the whole thing.
NP: Now you just got Barry there for talking about one-upmanship, you were doing it very definitely to Clement then. That's by the way...
KW: What business is it of yours what I'm doing? Why don't you mind your own business and chair the game instead of peeking round the corner all the time!
NP: I have to listen to every...
KW: I've never seen the like of it! Have I got eyes at the back of my head or something?
NP: You're going to get the point but I have to listen to every word you say as well as watch you all. Because I must explain to the listeners that the reason the audience in the studio were laughing was because you were tickling Clement Freud up the spine while he was trying to speak! And trying to keep going in Just A Minute under those circumstances with Kenneth Williams, of all people, tickling you up the spine is extremely difficult! But Kenneth he did hesitate, and he hasn't complained so I'll give you a point and the subject. And there are 19 seconds on getting away with it which you've just done...
CF: That's what it was really.
NP: Starting...
CF: Spine.
NP: Did we miss a good point then Clement?
CF: No I just wondered what it was, tickling me up the spine.
NP: We'll leave that to your imagination because I don't want to go any deeper! You... 19 seconds starting now.
KW: Whose got 19 seconds?
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams, I just said that you've got away with it and now you have the subject, of getting away with it, 19 seconds starting now.
DN: I buzzed! I buzzed!
NP: I know but you asked the question. We're going back to the 19 seconds.
DN: Mister Chairman! I challenged!
NP: What?
DN: Oh I don't know, I don't know what's happening. I know my little light went on.
NP: Oh all right then, all right then, the audience think that you should have it because Kenneth didn't start when I told him to start. And they feel it was well established that he should have started. So Derek you have a point for a correct challenge and you now have 16 seconds on getting away with it starting now.
DN: Getting away with anything in this programme is frightfully difficult because all the time you are being harassed and barracked by the other people that play the game! And it's absolutely monstrous! We come here week after seven days and all the time people are buzzing away! Old Parsons has no authority at all...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo, I managed very artfully to get him worked up into a passion so he gave tremendous value to you then. And he kept going till the whistle went, he's increased his lead at the end of that round and Derek it's your turn to begin, the subject, breakfast. Will you talk about it for Just A Minute if you can starting now.
DN: Kedgeree and lovely croissant and sometimes for once, (speaks in French). Oh I could have repeated breakfast, yes I can, I have done, that's all right, I'll stay with it. And rice crispies, I like those so much, don't you. And a mango, very good, chilled from a refrigerator, scoop it up, whack it in your own mouth, lovely, try it some time...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition of lovely.
NP: Yes.
DN: Absolutely right. Yes well listened.
NP: And 37 seconds on breakfast with you Clement starting now.
CF: Breakfast is the first meal of the day which I always start with coffee, followed by toast, buns, butter, marmalade, but occasionally jam. And then ham, eggs, bacon, sausages, kidney, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, kedgeree which I'm really tremendously keen on because rice and pheasant, especially elderly bird flaked into a white sauce and then mixed with a mixture as before and taken in huge forkfuls and shovelled down your gullet waiting to stave off...
WHISTLE
NP: Well after that breakfast of Clement Freud's, you're either feeling very hungry or quite sick! But he did keep going on breakfast until the whistle went, gained the extra point. He's moved forward so it's still quite even. We now come into the final round, Kenneth your turn to begin, the subject is probability. Would you talk on that unusual subject for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well the probability is that which is likely to happen but is not provable. The likeli-hood...
BUZZ
KW: Hood, I said you great fool! Likelihood!
NP: Derek Nimmo what was your challenge?
DN: Well it was likely but he took such a long time before he got to the hood!
NP: Well it was an incorrect challenge...
KW: Thank you! Very good chairman! Nice fellow!
NP: Fifty-two seconds on probability Kenneth starting now.
KW: You might get away with it in the ladies powder room at Portshead but the hotel say plarige would obviously object. They'd say "what was you up to that is within the bounds of probability?" And you'd say "no it's just the way my coat was done up." But of course you might not always find such liberality in pro-fascistic regimes. They take a very different view and you've only got to hold out your stiletto and it's regarded as a, tantamount, tantamount...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: Yes, tantamount and... there are 18 seconds on probability with you Clement starting now.
CF: The probability is that if you go to Portugal, especially Madrid which is in Spain and from there board an aeroplane for the capital city, the probability, I think should have mentioned earlier that you will meet a stewardess who says fasten your...
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud speaking as the whistle went got the extra point. I told you a little while ago this would have to be the last round, so now I will give you the final score. Barry Cryer returning after some absence, did extremely...
BC: Remained absent!
NP: No you did very well Barry, you got a lot of points but you still finished I'm afraid in fourth place. A lot of points were scored in this particular game. Kenneth Williams for instance got 10 points and he was in third place. And Derek Nimmo was in second place, and he was one point behind this week's winner who was Clement Freud! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute is Nicholas Parsons, the programme is devised by Ian Messiter and produced by David Hatch.