starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and ANDREE MELLY, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 February 1975)
NOTE: Last show produced by Simon Brett.
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Andree Melly in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome to Just A Minute. And as you've just heard we welcome Andree Melly back to the fourth seat or the guest seat against our three regular and intrepid and impossible competitors of the game. As usual I will ask them to speak if they can for just one minute on some unlikely subject without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show this week with Kenneth Williams. And Kenneth a lovely subject for you, getting carried away. Would you talk about that for Just A Minute if you can starting now.
KENNETH WILLIAMS: I frequently do this especially when the muse lights upon my brow. And I recall lines of such fame as
(speeding up as he goes)The old order changes yielding place to new,
And God fulfils Himself in many ways,
Lest one good custom should corrupt the world.
Come to thyself as you comes to me
I have lived my life as that which I have done
They within themselves make pure.
It was a dark and stormy night
And the moon was shining bright
With the old rusty bridge to the mill.
She said "oui, oui, parlez vous?"
I said "yes, but not with you..."
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged you.
CLEMENT FREUD: Repetition.
NP: Yes you repeated oui, Clement Freud has a correct challenge, he takes over the subject, 35 seconds left starting now.
CF: Getting carried away is particularly easy when you have Kenneth Williams breathing down your right ear and your knee goes, your foot, your hand, your trouser...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
ANDREE MELLY: Repetition of about four yours.
KW: Oh we're not doing parts of speech! We're not allowed to do that!
NP: Well she is allowed to do it, but we do try and resist the temptation on yours and these and ands and buts.
KW: Oh I think it's disgraceful!
NP: But...
KW: I mean parts of speech...
NP: Quiet Kenneth!
KW: Well I'm just saying...
NP: She's done it so we give her a point, you have 22 seconds on getting carried away starting now.
AM: The important thing, I feel, if there's any danger of you getting carried away is to have nothing that can fall out of your pockets. If you're a woman it's advisable to wear trousers because you don't want your frilly knickers to be seen on such a serious occasion as a demo when you are in danger of being carried away...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Ah repetition of danger.
AM: Hesitation.
NP: There was a repetition of danger and Derek's got in cleverly with only two seconds to go, getting carried away Derek starting now.
DN: (shouting hysterically) Oh it's an exciting thing to talk about getting carried away!
WHISTLE
NP: Just to remind you the whistle tells us that 60 seconds are up, and whoever is speaking at that moment gets the extra point. Derek you have a lead at the end of that round, one over all, over two others, and two over one. Derek will you begin the next round please, the subject is dolphins. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Dolphins are one of the larger seagoing mammals, rather smaller than the whale, and larger than a porpoise...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: Repetition of two largers.
DN: Absolutely right! Well listened!
NP: And that's their sort of one-upmanship way of intimidating...
DN: It wasn't at all! I was just being nice and pleasant! I don't always have to be nasty like you and sneery!
NP: Well you must have changed then Derek. Andree you have a point and 52 seconds on dolphins starting now.
AM: There was a craze a few years ago for dolphins, and you kept finding them in Brighton...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams challenged.
KW: Deviation, there was no craze for dolphins. I was never mad about them at all.
NP: I would have thought actually, if you had said there was still a craze for dolphins, I would have said yes. Therefore she...
KW: There isn't at all!
CF: But you weren't asked!
NP: And there was a definite craze. There were dolphinariums and even the US Navy were training dolphins to attack submarines. There was a craze for dolphins. There are 47 seconds for Andree to continue starting now.
AM: Most people with the exception of Kenneth Williams were rather mad about dolphins. And used to go and watch them splashing about indoors...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: That's four abouts.
NP: All right, you've got your own back, now let's leave the little words alone after this. Clement has a point and 35 seconds for dolphins Clement starting now.
CF: If you go down the main street of Helsinki, you will find a toy shop which is absolutely full of doll-fins, which are the finished product of small toys given to boys and girls which they take their clothes off and put them on again. Some have frilly knickers and others have plain white and green shirts, emblazoned in the national...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: I don't think a shirt that's white and green is plain! I thought it was rather nasty.
NP: I disagree with the challenge, 12 seconds Clement, on dolphins starting now.
CF: There was a time when people were absolutely crazy about dolphins...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Time, repetition of time.
NP: Yes. No you had the times didn't you, and he had the times, but not Clement. I'm so sorry Clement, another point to you, nine seconds starting now.
CF: And especially in Great Yarmouth where there was a dolphinarium. People queued up for days on end paying 5P...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: I don't think, in spite of the craze, that they actually queued up for days on end.
CF: Oh yes! Every day they were queuing for dolphins!
NP: Not for days on end...
AM: Not on end.
NP: ... were they queuing. I think it's a good challenge.
CF: Oh very good.
NP: Andree has a point and two seconds to go...
CF: Very good.
NP: ... starting now.
AM: There's a smashing man who stands there on top of the...
WHISTLE
NP: Andree Melly then got in cleverly before the whistle, gained the point and she's in the lead at the end of that round. Clement Freud your turn to begin, a lovely subject, the Keystone Cops. Can you talk about them for Just A Minute starting now.
CF: My children think the Keystone Cops are actually Kerbstone Cops. Which is a mistake because they shouldn't be confused. For this reason whenever I park my car, I leave the clerical collar and the crotches in the back, so that when this attendant comes along, intent on leaving a ticket on the windscreen, he or she is disillusioned and goes off taking another automobile for similar purpose. The Keystone Cops... played in...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: Hesitation.
NP: Yes I would have thought so, he suddenly realised he hadn't been talking about the subject, you could have had him for deviation ages ago.
AM: Oh but he was brilliant, wasn't he!
NP: I thought it was boring actually but... 31 seconds on the Keystone Cops Andree starting now.
AM: The only kind I know are those in the cinema which move very fast and fall in and out of cars with piano music going. And people go mad about it, saying isn't it marvellous and I've never actually found it very funny. I suppose it's my lack of sense of humour. But that particular sort of rushing about trying to catch somebody who, I mean...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams.
KW: Hesitation.
NP: I agree.
AM: Yes thank you.
NP: I agree, there are 11 seconds for you Kenneth on the Keysone, sorry, the Keystone Cops starting now.
KW: This all began when Isaac Newton had the apple hit him on the head and he invented slapstick. And so consequently this was put to great use by people like Laurel and Hardy...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Yes I don't think Isaac Newton is anything to do with the creation of the Keystone Cops, even with your bizarre connections you try to associate. Three seconds Clement on the Keystone Cops starting now.
CF: The Municipal Cinema in Totness...
WHISTLE
NP: Clement Freud then speaking when the whistle went got the extra point. He's now equal in the lead with Andree Melly. Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams are both trailing behind a little. Andree Melly your turn to begin, if I were Queen for a day. Can you talk about that for Just A Minute starting now.
AM: If I were Queen for a day I'd go along to Westminster and close Parliament instead of opening it. Then rush back to the Palace for a quick coffee, change, take a royal jet and go to...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: If she were Queen, she couldn't change.
KW: Brilliant.
NP: I understood her to mean she was going to change her clothes.
AM: Yes.
CF: If you understand her to say things she doesn't say, let's play some other game!
KW: Precisely! Yes!
NP: I will have to bow to the superior wisdom of our audience here. If you thought the same as I did, that that's what Andree conveyed, then you cheer for her. But if you thought as Clement Freud, that she was changing from being Queen for a day which was then deviation, then you boo for Clement and you all do it together now.
CHEERS AND BOOS FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Andree Melly, if I were Queen for a day, 46 seconds with you starting now.
AM: Getting out of my tiara and that bejewelled dress, I would then...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Hesitation.
NP: Yes Derek, now Derek you have 42 seconds to talk on the subject of if I were Queen for a day starting now.
DN: Well I should like to be Queen for a day on my birthday. And I would ride out side-saddle down the Mall, to inspect my troops, the Household Cavalry and the Brigade of Guards assembled in Horseguards Parade. In I should trot, very slowly, and all my splendid soldiers drawn up. And I would look magnificent with medals trembling on my bosom. And I would wave to the populace in a dignified way. (in camp voice) Oh yes he looks lovely up there, doesn't he! (normal voice) And I would go whatho lovies to my loyal subjects...
WHISTLE
NP: Well obviously Derek, if you're going to put on a performance like that, they'd like you to be Queen for the day! Oh you got an extra point then Derek for speaking as the whistle went. And so you have moved forward, but you're still in third place. Andree in the lead, Clement second place, Kenneth fourth place. And Kenneth your turn to begin again. The subject, James Joyce. Would you talk about him for 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Well like so many other talented people from Ireland, he left it and went to France, following much in the footsteps I suppose of Wilde. And wrote there quite a lot of things. I suppose the most influential must be called Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man. The other one is Ulysses which was banned for indecency in Great Britain and by the United States. His effect in writing is to use puns many-facetted in a greatly suggestive way, using time both in the conscious and the unconscious sense. Which has influenced, I think it would be fair to say, quite a lot of novel writing. Though I frankly don't ah care for it...
BUZZ
NP: Clement.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: Yes and he kept going for 56 seconds.
SHOUTS OF "AWWWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Four seconds for James Joyce with you Clement Freud starting now.
CF: One of the most impressive things that James Joyce wrote in four seconds...
WHISTLE
NP: Well he did hesitate, Clement got in first, he got a point for doing so, and he's now in the lead at the end of that round. Derek Nimmo we're back with you, your turn to begin, the subject, for what I would like to be remembered. For what I would like to be remembered, can you talk on that for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: I don't know. Whatever I am remembered by, I would like to have written upon my tombstone in some gentle churchyard in rural England, or perhaps even in Scotland, one has said
Here lies the bones of Elizabeth Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: Here lie, not here lies.
KW: It's wrong English, that's true.
NP: If you wish to be pedantic then you're entitled to do so and you get a point for doing so and you have 42 seconds, for what I would like to be remembered Clement starting now.
CF: I would like to be remembered for being the man who challenged Derek Nimmo on grammatical inaccuracies, time and again, when men here slip up on things which they should remember. The chairman sits waffling away, puffing in his zoot suit, snarling at his poor wife who sits oppressed in the audience, while his harassed...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly has challenged.
AM: I've seen Nicholas Parsons do many things, but not puff!
CF: That's an observation.
NP: What?
CF: That sounded more like a complaint.
NP: I don't think I puff, do I puff, audience?
SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: Andree Melly you have a point.
AM: Thank you.
NP: And you have 15 seconds, for what I would like to be remembered starting now.
AM: What I would like to be remembered for are some of the memorable performances I gave in Repertory in my early days. The third ferret in Toad Of Toad Hall was something...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Repetition I'm afraid.
NP: Of Toad.
CF: Two Toads.
NP: Toad Of Toad Hall.
AM: Oh!
NP: Yes! Six seconds, five seconds Clement on for what I would like to be remembered starting now.
CF: At the open air theatre in Regent's Park...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: I don't want to remember Clement Freud at all! I just want to forget him! He's very boring! (does impression of CF's mumbling) Nobody wants to remember Clement Freud! Put it to the audience! Does anybody want to remember Clement Freud? No! He can't talk about being remembered!
NP: But you see the point is...
DN: He's instantly forgettable!
NP: ...whether you or anybody wishes to remember Clement Freud or not, the subject is for what I would like to be remembered. And even if you don't want to remember him, he can still talk about the subject. Clement you have another point and two seconds on for what I would like to be remembered starting now.
CF: The sheer warm-hearted affection...
WHISTLE
NP: And Clement Freud was again speaking when the whistle went and has again increased his lead. And Clement we're back with you to start, the subject is dissertations. You've given us one or two already but can you talk on the subject for Just A Minute starting now.
CF: Dissertations are the sort of things Derek Nimmo would find immensely boring. Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your ears because I can't see you on Tuesday, the shops are closed. Or to put it another way, a parson or clergyman of some lesser order, even a bishop perhaps, might rise in a chapel and address the congregation in the following manner. You over there, not forgetting the bride's mother...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: This is not a dissertation that would be given by a bishop! It’s a disgrace! Deviation!
NP: Twenty-five seconds for you Kenneth on dissertations starting now.
KW: It was long ago remarked by an ancient divine that all the public know about a man is his reputation. As to his character, only our creator can know of that. The innermost consciousness of the human mind is inviolable. And a sacred thing which no-one...
WHISTLE
NP: Andree Melly your turn to begin, the subject, my favourite stockings. Can you talk about my favourite stockings for Just A Minute starting now.
AM: My favourite stockings are the very first nylons that I ever had. I was in Switzerland at the time, being finished. And I saved up all the francs I could. And they were dark brown, practically black, and glassy in texture and rather short... short...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: I think a hesitation.
NP: Yeah you think right, she thought about the short bit of her stockings and she stopped. Forty seconds are left on my favourite stockings Kenneth. Can you talk about them starting now.
KW: I had to wear them in a pantomime which I performed in Neesoon which is quite near to Singapore. And wearing them I came on crying
"I'm the fairy of the wood,
I go about doing good!
And solving every riddle
Forget about your mandolin, I'll teach you how to fiddle."
Which went quite well and people said "what a shapely calf you are showing tonight". And I said yes. And I had to use a bit of lipstick because they laddered in a particularly crucial part of the number. But somebody had warned me that provided you put on this particular kind of substance...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly.
AM: Two particulars.
NP: Yes there were two particulars, I'm afraid. You were very particular about those stockings. Four seconds on my favourite stockings Andree starting now.
AM: I took good care of them, but one did ladder and I got my nail varnish...
WHISTLE
NP: Andree Melly was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. And she's moved forward a little but she's still trailing behind Clement Freud who is our leader. She's in second place. Kenneth Williams again your turn to begin, having women in the show.
DN: Oh!
NP: You've often complained about the fact that there shouldn't be women in the show, now would you talk on the subject for Just A Minute if you can starting now.
KW: I think the chairman of this game does really live in another world. The idea that I have ever complained about the grace and charm of feminine company is so alien and ludicrous to my mind, that I won't even bother to discuss it, in fact I don't know...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: I thought I'd take over in that case!
NP: So what is your challenge?
CF: He said he didn't want to discuss it.
NP: It was neither hesitation, repetition or deviation so he keeps the subject and another point for doing, for a wrong challenge and 43 seconds left, having women in the show Kenneth starting now.
KW: Having women in the show means that we welcome the sylph-like figure of Andree Melly, dressed as always in this impeccable style of hers which i think has been taught her by some of the finest couturiers in the...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: It's couture, not couturiers.
NP: I knew you were going to say that you rotten so-and-so! But it's a correct challenge so I have to allow it...
KW: It's not a correct challenge at all, I said couturier and that's perfectly correct! I said couturier, didn't I!
SHOUTS OF "YES" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: There you are, but browbeating this audience into submission to your way of thinking. We're not doubting the fact that you know the word and can pronounce it. But sometimes under pressure it is possible to mispronounce the word...
KW: But anyway if I did, which I don't admit for one second, there's nothing in the game about mispronunciation. It's about hesitation, deviation and something else, what is it?
DN: Repetition.
KW: Repetition.
NP: Actually you were deviating from the correct pronunciation.
KW: Deviating from the subject is what this game is about. Thank you very much! Thank you! Yes! Yes!
APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE
KW: It's a disgrace isn't it!
NP: All right Kenneth, all right, the audience say that you should continue and you have 27 seconds for having women in the show starting now.
KW: Having women in the show has enabled me to make the acquaintance of some charming ladies, including Sheila Hancock...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo.
DN: Repetition of ladies, we had ladies before. The subject on the card is women, not ladies.
NP: I don't think, I don't remember him saying ladies before.
KW: I didn't! What a load of rubbish!
NP: No he never used the word ladies. Sixteen seconds, 16 seconds Kenneth on having women in the show starting now.
KW: And the delightful thing about these creatures is that they bring to it an atmosphere of warmth, affection, joie de vivre and all the qualities that men so lamentably lack. In fact we cannot...
WHISTLE
KW: So that means I'm in the lead, doesn't it!
NP: It means you worked the audience up into a purely partisan group for you out there!
KW: Don't be bitter, ducky, don't be bitter!
NP: I'm not competing, I'm not bitter! Ah you were speaking when the whistle went Kenneth, you got the extra point, you started with the subject, you finished with the subject, you got a lot of points in that round and you have moved forward dramatically...
KW: Yes! Yes!
NP: ... into third place.
KW: Oh!
NP: You've overtaken Derek Nimmo, you're two points behind Andree Melly and you are four points behind Clement Freud. And Derek it is your turn to begin, it's still an open contest. Treasure hunts, Derek, can you talk on that subject for Just A Minute starting now.
DN: Oh my goodness isn't it exciting to go on a treasure hunt. I've always liked it from my very earliest formative years. But to go into a darkened library, open an ancient volume and find a piece of parchment there with little dots and dashes even and a mark showing where the treasure is hidden. And away you go to some windswept palm tree-ridden island, and dig in the sand and find a skeleton and doubloons and pieces of eight. Gosh it is the most exciting thing I've ever come across! On the other hand, towels they shovel, rot on those awful tiny speary things on the Scilly Islands. Or perhaps finding deep in the Mediterranean, a two-handed Roman urn, bringing it up, and for it to see the light of the day for the first time...
BUZZ
NP: Andree Melly challenged.
AM: There was a tiny hesitation just there.
NP: There wasn't!
AM: Oh there was.
SHOUTS OF "NO" FROM THE AUDIENCE
DN: No!
NP: From South Seas to ballooning and emporia, and goodness knows that. Twelve seconds Derek on treasure hunts starting now.
DN: A great chest filled with gold, silver and I am the owner of it all! I go along to Her Majesty's Government and say please will you accept this for her gracious Majesty on my behalf...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Derek Nimmo kept going magnificently on treasure hunts and once again somebody started with the subject, finished with it, he got the extra spoint, extra spoint? Well he got the extra spoint and the extra point for speaking as the whistle went. But we have no more time to play the game so I have to give you the final score now. And Derek in spite of that last surge did finish in fourth place I'm afraid. Kenneth finished in third place, Andree Melly finished in second place. But once again our winner was Clement Freud! We do hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter and produced by Simon Brett.