starring KENNETH WILLIAMS, DEREK NIMMO, CLEMENT FREUD and SHEILA HANCOCK, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 3 March 1975)
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: We present Kenneth Williams, Derek Nimmo, Clement Freud and Sheila Hancock in Just A Minute. And as the Minute Waltz fades away here to tell you about it is our chairman Nicholas Parsons.
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Thank you, thank you very much indeed, hello and welcome once again to Just A Minute. And we're delighted to welcome back Sheila Hancock to play the game with our three regular male competitors, and Sheila does always so well against them. Lovely to have you again Sheila. And once again I am going to ask them if they can speak for 60 seconds on some subject I will give them without hesitation, without repetition, and without deviating from the subject which is on the card in front of me. Let us begin the show this week with Clement Freud. And Clement the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of to start the show is getting a lot of letters. Would you talk about that, 60 seconds starting now.
CLEMENT FREUD: It seems very unfair that I should be given a subject about which the chairman usually talks. He always says "I get a lot of letters, somebody has written to me". Now I do actually myself occasionally get letters. And what I am very sorry about is almost every one I receive begins with "this is the first time I've ever written to anyone on the radio or possibly television", when there are in this country so many hundreds of people from whom I would like to hear. Girls I knew when I was 12, even 15, men with whom I served in the Army, cooks with whom I've cooked...
BUZZ
NP: Oh that was rather a subtle pause, wasn't it! Sheila Hancock your challenge.
SHEILA HANCOCK: Well repetition of with whom and hesitation.
NP: We'll just take the hesitation because it was such a poignant one. We want to know what he did with his cooks.
CF: I would like, I would like to hear from them. Do you ever...
NP: Sheila as you have a correct challenge, you gain a point for that and you take over the subject, there are 23 seconds left on getting a lot of letters starting now.
SH: Actually I do get a lot of letters from people that I was at school with, and I'm always very delighted to hear from them. To remember those halcyon days when everybody was so happy. Sometimes I get letters that I would prefer not to. But occasionally they say that the boys on the team are very unfair to me, and I absolutely agree...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Hesitation I thought.
NP: No, your thought was wrong, I disagree. It was teetering on hesitation but not enough to be awarded a point. So Sheila you get a point for an incorrect challenge and you have one second left on getting a lot of letters starting now.
SH: Equally some say I...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged again.
CF: That was surely more than a teeter, it was a hesitation.
NP: Half a second is less than a teeter than three quarters of a second. Sheila you have another point, getting a lot of letters starting now.
SH: I am unfair to them...
WHISTLE
NP: So at the end of the first round Sheila Hancock is the only one to score any points. And Sheila we'd like you to begin the second round and it is coming out balls starting now.
SH: I imagine that Ian Messiter is referring to those debutante occasions where girls reach the age I believe of 18, and a great big ball is thrown in their favour by their parents, to which are invited all the young hopeful husbands. And the mother hopes that they'll make a good match. I think it is a pretty rotten custom. In the old days a member of the Royal Family would be present, and the girls curtsied at a... Christmas cake...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DEREK NIMMO: Hesitation.
NP: Derek you have a correct challenge and you have 22 seconds on coming out balls starting now.
DN: The important thing is to enter your name in the newspaper in June to indicate when you're going to have your coming out ball...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CF: Deviation. Much too late in June!
KENNETH WILLIAMS: Quite right! Quite right!
NP: Yeah but he's not technically deviating from the subject on the card, because he might do things late. And therefore he's not incorrect from the deviation point of view. He has 13 seconds on coming out balls starting now.
DN: When I came out, I went along to see Mister Hartnell and bought myself a lovely white gown with...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, we know he never wore any gowns by Hartnell! It's all a load of rubbish! Give the subject to me!
NP: I do agree on that.
KW: Rubbish! It's a disgrace!
NP: He never went to Norman Hartnell, if he had I hope he would have sent him packing. There are 10 seconds for you Kenneth after a correct challenge on coming out balls starting now.
KW: I had a 92 piece dinner service when I was first married, but of course all I've left now is the...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Deviation, he's not been married.
KW: All I've left now is the gravy boat. I got 30 bob a night with the use of cruet! Who said what?
NP: Derek challenged you after the...
KW: How dare he! He's always being impertinent!
NP: Well after you said after your first marriage, he challenged you.
KW: Oh! Yes well you don't know about that!
NP: Well as we don't believe that Derek had a white gown from Norman Hartnell, we don't believe, unless you can bring proof to the contrary, that you've been married more than once.
KW: It's perfectly conceivable that I've been married. Of course it is!
NP: It's conceivable. The same as it's conceivable that he had a white gown from Norman Hartnell. But we, as far as we know, it's not true!
KW: I've seen him stripped, he's not got the figure for it!
NP: We're talking about coming out balls, aren't we?
KW: Oh I'm sorry, I thought we'd left them!
CF: But he hasn't got the figure for it!
NP: The ah, Kenneth as far as we know you have not been married before so I don't know. Derek has a correct challenge and five seconds on the subject starting now.
DN: I have a very loose pair of swimming trunks and sometimes...
BUZZ
DN: ... when I go to debutante occasions I do find... Who buzzed me?
NP: It's Kenneth buzzed you.
KW: It is deviation, we really don't want to hear these details about garments.
NP: And I still believe that even though he went on to say that he wears them at debutante occasions, no more did he get his gown from Norman Hartnell, did he get swimming trunks for debutante balls.
KW: Of course.
NP: So I give it back to you Kenneth with one second, one and a half seconds on coming out balls starting now.
KW: A most unlikely subject that's ever been issued on this programme...
WHISTLE
NP: Well once again we begin a show, and at the end of the second round, and Sheila is in the lead, one point ahead of Derek Nimmo and Kenneth Williams equal in second place, and Clement Freud yet to score. Kenneth it's your turn to begin and the subject is what I won't stand for. Can you tell us something of what you won't stand for in 60 seconds starting now.
KW: Some people won't stand for the National Anthem. I won't stand for women coming into rooms and everyone having to get up. I think it's a load of rubbish. They all want this universal suffrage so I keep on sitting down. And people say "here, why aren't you getting up, there's women in the room, you know, haven't you got any manners?"
BUZZ
KW: I say "no, if they've been after this equal..." What?
NP: Sheila Hancock challenged you.
SH: Repetition of women.
NP: Yeah you put too many women into it.
KW: I wasn't even under way, you great fool! You're supposed to be given a chance to get under way! I wouldn't get up for you if you walked into a room, I can tell you that much for nothing!
NP: Sheila Hancock you have a correct challenge, there are 42 seconds on what I won't stand for starting now.
SH: What I won't stand for is Kenneth Williams. He can be dropping down on his knees and I won't give up my seta to him! He can be crawling around, dying, and I wouldn't give him a chair. However I might stand up for Clement Freud because he's nicer, and Derek because he occasionally...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of because.
NP: Yes, after those nice things she said about you. Twenty seconds left for you Clement on what I won't stand for starting now.
CF: What I won't stand for is people being unkind to goats. I think it's absolutely disgraceful. Some of the nicest animals I've ever come across that produce milk which has quality and is made into cheese. And yet there are people who are so despicable...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of people.
NP: Yes you said people before. There are three seconds...
CF: They were different people.
NP: Well said but not enough. Three seconds, what I won't stand for, Derek starting now.
DN: What I won't stand for are coming out balls where I'm wearing my swimming trunks...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock are now equal in the lead. And the subject is now with Clement Freud, Clement, what I deserve. There's a person in the audience who knows what you deserve, but will you tell us what you think you deserve in 60 seconds starting now.
CF: I suppose what I deserve is to go to Finsbury Park swimming baths and meet a man who talks to me about veraculas. And I would say "surely you mean a veruca" in which the chairman says "it is typical of you to meet such an ignoramus". But there are people I suppose who would think I deserve points. There are those who feel I deserve to win this game which you can only do by going on and not repeating yourself, neither hesitating, nor yet deviating from the subject on the card which is what I deserve, where I came in not all that long ago. In fact it must have been less than 60 seconds, otherwise the admirable Ian Messiter with his watch in his left hand would have blown his whistle to signify the end of that stipulated period of time which appears in the publication dealing with radio programmes every week, often...
WHISTLE
NP: Well I think I echo the audience when I say never was two words so well deserved. Sheila Hancock your turn to begin. The subject is matters of little consequence. You don't like the subject? Well bad luck! There are 60 seconds Sheila for you on that starting now.
SH: It is extraordinary that things that seemed important when you were the age of the little boys sitting up in the gallery become matters of little consequence when you reach the advanced years that I now have. For instance, I can remember being completely concerned about my spots, now I couldn't care less. It is indeed a matter of little consequence for me...
BUZZ
NP: Ah Kenneth Williams.
KW: These are absolute lies! I know for a fact that when I've been on the stage with her, she's said "those spots have got to be on me! I want surprise pinks on me! I want all those spotlights on me!" She was always on about her spots! She was always on about them! She lovers her spots!
NP: That was just what she said.
KW: Yes! Oh did she?
NP: Yes. But you were talking about the spotlight, and she was talking about her own personal spots.
KW: Oh what a ridiculous misapprehension!
NP: Sheila has another point... (cracks up with laughter)
KW: Pull yourself together Nicholas, go on!
NP: I think I could say the same to you. You've enchanted us all with your misapprehension. Thirty-five seconds, matters of little consequence Sheila, starting now.
SH: It is a matter of little consequence to me that Kenneth Williams keeps interrupting with stupid remarks, only in order to stop me speaking for the aforesaid 60 seconds which one has to...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: She hasn't aforesaid it.
SH: You aforesaid it.
NP: Sheila you have um 23 seconds on matters of little consequence starting now.
SH: It is a matter of very little consequence that Clement Freud has interrupted me in order to say that I shouldn't have said what I...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo has challenged.
DN: Repetition of interrupt. Kenneth interrupted and um...
NP: Yes, 16 seconds left on matters of little consequence with you Derek Nimmo starting now.
DN: It is a matter of little consequence to me that we have a great oaf for a chairman of this programme.
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF AND THE AUDIENCE
DN: Who sits up there week after day on this programme, holding quarter over everybody. And therefore sometimes you have more ammunition and more...
BUZZ
WHISTLE
KW: I've never been present, I have never been present at a radio show like this in my life!
NP: No no!
KW: Absolutely disgraceful!
DN: Do I get a bonus point?
NP: I must very quickly explain to our listeners that when Derek Nimmo was so rude to me, I went across to threaten him, but before my threat had any effect at all, he picked up his glass of water and threw it all over me!
SH: Most of it went over me anyway!
NP: So Clement Freud challenged during that process. What was it Clement?
CF: Hesitation.
NP: We give Clement Freud a bonus point for a good challenge and...
DN: What?
NP: And Derek Nimmo gets the bonus point for speaking as the whistle went. And the situation at the end of that round is a very interesting one, we have restored order! And it is that Derek Nimmo and Sheila Hancock are equal in first place and Clement Freud is in second place just three points behind. Kenneth Williams it's your turn to begin, the most unlikely character in history is the subject that Ian Messiter has thought of. Will you talk about him starting now.
KW: Well this will depend entirely on your point of view. For me the most unlikely character in history is undoubtedly Elegabilus. I think to come to the throne as he did at 17, and send the portrait ahead of himself, with all this makeup she had on, disgraceful raver! And when she arrived eventually it was on this dray with all these senators holding him up because he swayed, swayed, right the way back...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: The double sway.
NP: Swayed, swayed.
KW: No I said swayed swathed! You see...
NP: Oh come on! A very good attempt but I won't have it. Clement Freud has got a challenge which is correct and he has 39 seconds on the most unlikely character in history starting now.
CF: Perhaps the most unlikely character in history was Henry The Twenty-Third, mainly because Kings of that name stopped at the figure eight...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: Deviation, he said there's a character called Henry The Twenty-Third. Well he didn't exist so it can't be discussed so it's deviation.
NP: Well I would agree with you. I don't see how Clement Freud can justify it. He can't. Kenneth you have 30 seconds on the most unlikely character in history starting now.
KW: Well there was this girl selling these oranges outside Drury Lane and Charles...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Deviation, it has nothing to do with his previous dissertation...
NP: It doesn't matter, when he starts again, he can start...
DN: There's only one most unlikely character.
CF: You can have only one most unlikely.
DN: He said it was the boy who was painted up at 17.
NP: He might be able to connect the two.
DN: Oh let's hear it!
NP: You didn't give him a chance. Kenneth you have 22 seconds on the most unlikely character in history starting now.
KW: And as he passed in his sedan chair she cried vibrato, "how's your old tomato!" Because that was her way of greeting him. She was one of the most unlikely characters ever to exist...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: He hasn't managed to forge a connection.
NP: One of the most unlikely characters in history is what he said and I'm going to leave the subject with Kenneth and tell him he's got 15 seconds to continue starting now.
KW: So she became the body slave, rubbing on the unguents for Elegabilus the Emperor, you see, who was only 17 and had all this makeup on...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud your challenge please.
CF: (hardly able to speak for laughing) Repetition of Eligabilus.
NP: Yes all right, Clement you have ah, he did manage to connect the two you see Derek. There are eight seconds on the most unlikely character in history starting now.
CF: When I was at school I thought Henry The Second was the most unlikely character in history because I...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged.
DN: Repetition of Henry.
CF: Too late!
DN: It wasn't too late at all.
CF: Of course.
NP: Why?
CF: You've got to challenge at the right time.
NP: Oh no, you can challenge whenever you like.
CF: Oh really? He repeated rather in the last programme.
NP: As long as you do it in the same round.
CF: Ah.
NP: Three seconds for you Derek on the most unlikely character in history starting now.
DN: The most unlikely character in history as far as I'm concerned is Nicholas Parsons! Aaaah!
WHISTLE
NP: Derek your turn to begin, the subject is long sentences. Can you talk on that for 60 seconds starting now.
DN: I think sometimes to impose a very long sentence upon someone is extremely cruel. For instance the train robbers to be sent down, as I believe the expression is in the criminal world, for 30 years seems to be out of all proportion to the crime that they...
BUZZ
NP: Kenneth Williams has challenged.
KW: We're not here to listen to your views about the judiciary of England! Who do you think you are, holding forth about whether their sentence was too long or not! What a disgrace!
NP: Well the thing about Just A Minute is you can hold forth...
KW: Who said you can hold forth?
NP: I just said you can hold forth.
KW: What are you holding forth? You don't hold forth anything to me on this programme! You haven't offered me a glass of beer!
NP: I've never...
KW: Mean! Mean! He's got a burglar alarm on his dustbin, this one!
LOUD LAUGHTER FROM CF, NP AND THE AUDIENCE
NP: Oh I'm sorry, I'm still laughing at Kenneth's remark about the burglar alarm on my dustbin! I wonder how he knew? Kenneth I've never heard anybody hold forth on this programme more than you about unguents and Czar Nicholas and Nell Gwynne and oranges and goodness knows what. Derek you have 44 seconds on long sentences starting now.
DN: Of course when one was at school, one was very discouraged from writing down very long sentences. One was taught to divide...
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud has challenged.
CF: Repetition of one, that's...
NP: Yes, 36 seconds for you on long sentences Clement starting now.
CF: The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain is not a very long sentence unless you omit to use any punctuation whatsoever such as when you speak in which case it becomes an immeasurably long sentence. But for instance were one to go to the Battle of Waterloo, the scene of the great fight, where either the French or the English and at this moment I really can't remember which, won, in the reign of Napoleon...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Um five ins.
NP: All right, you had the one, you had the in, and after this please resist the temptation to challenge on ins and ones and ohs and ours and as. Derek...
CF: Ohhh!
NP: ... five seconds on long sentences starting now.
DN: Oh my Lord please be lenient with me, nine years hard, without the option, what a terrible sentence to impose upon me...
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo got quite a few points in that round including the one for speaking when the whistle went. And the subject is now with Clement Freud, Clement, the things I get let in for. That's a nice subject and I don't think we've got much more time, it may turn out to be the last one. But keep going if you can for 60 seconds starting now.
CF: Things I get let in for is the sort of subject on which I don't speak because it ends with a preposition which is grammatically totally undesirable...
BUZZ
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged.
SH: If he doesn't speak about it, then let me!
NP: So what is your challenge?
SH: Deviation because he said I don't speak about it and he went on speaking about it.
NP: Yeah but that's the whole point about the game. You may not speak about it, you may not want to speak about it, you may even find it impossible to speak about it, but you have to try somehow to keep going, which he was endeavouring to do. So I think it's correct to give him a point and tell him he has 48 seconds for things I get let in for starting now.
CF: But on this occasion, things I get let in for does merit a small sentence or two, in order to acquaint this radio audience with my ability to open my mouth, close it, waggle my tongue, flash my teeth on virtually any subject which Mister Ian Messiter...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Deviation, he doesn't flash teeth, he flashes dentures!
CF: I want, I want two points for that.
NP: Well it's very simple, either take them out and prove he's wrong! Clement I've never actually looked inside your mouth. I do believe from the stape, shape and styling of your teeth they are your own.
DN: They could only be real, couldn't they really!
NP: You see so little of them behind all the um fluff on your face that they um ah... we do know you've got them. I disagree, Clement you've got 29 seconds to continue on things I get let in for starting now.
CF: At the open air theatre in Regent's Park the other night, where there was a charity performance in order that people might give money...
BUZZ
NP: Derek Nimmo's challenged.
DN: Repetition of order, in order that the audience could hear about it, in order to.
NP: Yes. I think you said order before.
DN: Yes you did, in order that I can go round and flash my teeth...
CF: Last week!
DN: ... and nibble my nose and whatever it is.
NP: So Derek's correct there and he has 20 seconds on things I get let in for starting now.
DN: Oh the things I get let in for, very often opening garden fetes, particularly ones for little churches out in the country. Oh I love to go along, wearing a big hat in my ...
BUZZ
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.
DN: Who's that?
SH: Does he wear his big hat with his Hartnell gown?
NP: I don't believe that you wear a big hat when you...
DN: I do!
NP: What?
DN: I do! I've got a most, a lovely big hat.
SH: Well, the less said about that the better then!
NP: Well the less said about that yes. Ten seconds for the things I get let in for Derek starting now.
DN: Sometimes I'm allowed into public houses after closing time and I have a surreptitious...
BUZZ
NP: Sheila Hancock has challenged you.
SH: Deviation.
NP: Of course, to go into a public house after closing time, that's very devious.
SH: Exactly!
NP: Sheila you have four and a half seconds on things I get let in for starting now.
SH: One of the things I get let in for periodically is playing this game with these maniacs...
BUZZ
WHISTLE
NP: Derek Nimmo challenged, Derek Nimmo challenged before the end.
DN: (laughs) It's a very unfortunate challenge actually so you take it out...
NP: All right if you stop muttering into your gravy and keep your water to yourself and Sheila Hancock...
SH: Do I get another point for that?
NP: You get another point for an incorrect challenge which he couldn't think of. He was trying to get in with only half a second to go, he failed and you go for another half second on things I get let in for Sheila starting now.
SH: One of the things I...
WHISTLE
NP: So I was right, we haven't any more time so now I will give you the final score at the end of this game of Just A Minute. Kenneth Williams did very well, we heard a lot from him, he finished in a very strong fourth position, just behind Clement Freud. But Clement still finished up one point behind Sheila Hancock. But Sheila Hancock was four points behind this week's winner, Derek Nimmo! We hope you've enjoyed this edition of Just A Minute, from all of us here, good-bye!
THEME MUSIC
ANNOUNCER: The chairman of Just A Minute was Nicholas Parsons, the programme was devised by Ian Messiter, and produced by John Lloyd.