starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, KIT HESKETH-HARVEY and MARIA McERLANE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 8 January 2007)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC
NP: Thank you, thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my pleasure to welcome our many listeners, not only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the programme, four exciting and diverse personalities, who this week are going to play Just A Minute. And seated on my right, we welcome back with great pleasure, that outstanding comedian and that delightful performer, Paul Merton. And seated beside him, the senior player of this game who contributes with such wit and erudition on occasions, that is Clement Freud. And seated on my left, a lovely actress, comedy performer, writer, journalist, Maria McErlane. And seated beside her, another wit, a man who writes wonderful lyrics, he performs, he's in cabaret, another all round writer, anyway that is Kit Hesketh-Harvey. Would you please welcome all four of them! Seated beside me is Charlotte Davies, who is going to help me keep the score, and she will blow a whistle when 60 seconds have elapsed. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Assembly Hall Theatre in that lovely spa town of Tunbridge Wells. And we have a group of people in the audience who are obviously high on the waters and anxious to start. So we begin the show with Paul Merton. And Paul the next subject is the first one, taking the waters. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game, starting now.
PAUL MERTON: It's a polite version of the expression taking the urine, and I wouldn't expect anything less in Tunbridge Wells. It's an extremely polite society. You walk around, people doff their caps. Men and women greet each other at the railway stations, kiss, embrace, an orgy on Platform Five is a regular thing on a Monday...
BUZZ
NP: And Kit you've challenged.
KIT HESKETH-HARVEY: Yes I must spring to the defence of Tunbridge Wells where I was raised. He's not talking about taking the waters at all.
NP: Yes I think that's right.
KHH: Deviation.
NP: He's deviated from the waters, talking about...
KHH: The politess of these good people.
NP: Yes.
CLEMENT FREUD: I'm worried about Platform Five!
PM: Every Monday!
NP: Every Monday, right. Kit that was a correct challenge of deviation, so you get a point for that, you take over the subject, there are 47 seconds available, taking the waters starting now.
KHH: They call it a chalet beat spring, it's actually a mispronunciation of Calibiat from the Greek. And it's a filthy thing like a car sump down in the pan tiles. And it's now surrounded entirely by Indian restaurants which has the same purgative effect. But in 1606, I think it was, there was a young nobleman who had a hangover and stooped down and took these waters and fired them up with iron and blood and heaven knows what else...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Yeah I think repetition and hesitation.
KHH: All of them I think probably.
NP: I didn't notice any.
CF: Fire and fire.
NP: He was getting... what, fire?
CF: Fire.
KHH: Fire, fire.
PM: You shouldn't say fire too often in a packed theatre!
NP: The audience were laughing so much, I didn't hear him repeat fire. So did you repeat fire?
KHH: I probably did, Clement is very...
NP: You probably did.
KHH: Heaven help me.
MARIA McERLANE: I think you said fire and fired.
KHH: Oh really? Oh Maria! I'll see you on Platform Five later!
NP: The audience have endorsed it, thank you for helping your friend. There we are, so you have a point for an incorrect challenge there Kit.
KHH: I say!
NP: And you keep the subject and you have 22 seconds, taking the waters starting now.
KHH: And the Georgian gentry flocked down here in their pretty little Muslim bonnets, just like something out of Jane Austen. They had assemblies and routs, and they drank sherbet and they had all the...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Quite a lot of theys.
NP: A lot of theys.
KHH: A lot of theys, no, you're quite right, I was getting tangled.
NP: Too much of they, so Paul, a correct challenge, a point to you, 12 seconds available, taking the waters starting now.
PM: When Pink Floyd reformed to appear at the last concert, Roger Waters took his place as the bass...
BUZZ
NP: Maria you've challenged.
MM: Well they didn't actually reform, it was just a one-off gig.
PM: They reformed.
MM: No.
NP: Darling, that's a bit...
PM: They came together on stage, they reformed for that gig.
NP: I think that was a bit pedantic.
MM: Pedantic of me.
NP: I think so. It was lovely to hear from you.
PM: Yeah.
MM: Thank you very much.
NP: But you have a point Paul, and five seconds, taking the waters starting now.
PM: If you wake up in the morning and you look out to the sun, you thought to yourself, I wanted to rehydrate myself, you can...
WHISTLE
NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes, gains an extra point, and on this occasion it was Paul Merton who has a strong lead at the end of that round. And Kit will you please take the next round, and the subject, in the back of my mind. There are 60 seconds available, and you start now.
KHH: The very smell of this room, of the people of Tunbridge Wells, is bringing back, in a Praustian way, my teenage years, spent in this fabulous borough. I attended a local boarding school and worked as a barman at the dear old Spa Hotel. Is it still there? Dispensing pink gins to the local colonels...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Well deviation, this is underage employment! He's working in a bar serving up drinks, you've got to be 18 to work in a bar.
KHH: Mopping up, I was.
PM: Mopping up.
NP: Well he didn't establish what he was...
PM: No he didn't establish at all, did he? Very good chairman! Very good chairman! Best chairman we've got, best chairman we've got.
NP: He could actually have been 18 years of age when he was doing it. So he didn't establish the age, so no, I don't think it was deviation. So Kit you still have the subject and you have another point and you have in the back of my mind, 43 seconds starting now.
KHH: In the back of my mind I remember working as a petrol pump attendant at nearby Southborough. I bet I've shoved my nozzle up a few of you in my time. And then I went on beautiful bike rides. How it is all returning to me now, through Hawkhurst, Goudhurst, Speldhurst, Penshurst, William Randolph...
BUZZ
NP: Paul you challenged.
PM: Well I know it's all one word, but we get a lot of hursts, one after another.
NP: I know but actually individually they're all different words, they're all Goudhurst, yes, they're all spelt differently. So anyway Kit, an incorrect challenge, 25 seconds still available, carry on with in the back of my mind.
KHH: Rabbiting down...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: No! Another point to Kit and 24 and a half seconds starting now.
KHH: Tickling trout in the lush meadows down at Fordham or at Groombridge Place...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Deviation, if you're tickling trout in a meadow, there's something wrong with the trout! You want to give it the kiss of life, let alone try to tickle it! You're a keen fisherman, you know about these things, don't you Nicholas.
NP: Oh yes yes but I wouldn't tickle my trout in the meadow.
PM: No.
NP: But I haven't taken many trouts into meadows actually. I leave them to other people.
PM: That's very generous of you.
NP: Yes. I think logically you have a good challenge, you've been trying very hard throughout this round to get in. So you have the benefit of the doubt and 22 seconds, in the back of my mind Paul starting now.
PM: In the back of my mind, I always think about the wonderful spa town of Tunbridge Wells. Coming out of the station and walking up the hill, it's a one point four gradient. I don't know if you're aware of that, but the local guide book points out that this hillock has been there for several centuries. What better way is there to suck up to an audience than to pretend you are from the area and thought about all kinds of arcane things of no interest to listeners outside...
WHISTLE
NP: So Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained the extra point. He's moved forward, he's increased his lead. But Kit Hesketh-Harvey got lots of points in the round, he's only four points behind, then it's Maria and Clement Freud in that order. And Clement it's your turn to begin and the subject we have here is the last resort. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
CF: I think it was Doctor Johnson who said patriotism is the last resort of a scoundrel. But it's unimportant to name the person. Let me explain that the last resort where I live in Suffolk, starting at Aldeburgh and going through Leiston, Dunwich, Walberswick, Southwold, Covehithe, Lowestoft, is the last resort. And I think absolutely rightly because...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: Well I just think that was a list, wasn't it.
NP: It was a list.
MM: Is that allowed?
NP: Yes.
CF: Of resorts.
MM: Yes.
NP: Yes.
CF: Coming to the last resort.
NP: Because he didn't repeat anything.
MM: If there can only be one last...
CF: There can't be a last resort, if you don't mention the previous ones.
KHH: Leiston?
NP: I mean there's no rule which says you can't have a list. As long as you don't repeat anything, deviate or hesitate.
MM: But it was about the last resort and he mentioned many other resorts.
NP: Well he came to the last resort, I think he said Lowestoft was the last one.
PM: Yeah.
NP: So he did actually say that.
MM: Right.
NP: And um...
MM: I'm quite new to this!
NP: I know! And Clement's very clever at the way he plays the game.
MM: But he does always do lots of lists.
NP: He does and he's very funny actually.
MM: Yeah I'm sorry, I made a terrible error, I don't know what I was thinking of.
NP: I'll tell you something else because I've tried it. It is actually difficult to do. Because you do begin to hesitate, as you try to remember all the different places or words or whatever you have. So he has a point for an incorrect challenge Maria, I’m sorry about that.
SHOUTS OF "AWWWWW" FROM THE AUDIENCE
NP: You have the audience on your side.
MM: Thank you, thank you very much.
NP: But I have to be fair within the rules of Just A Minute. Clement you have 33 seconds to continue on the last resort starting now.
CF: The word resort would come from the French, sortir, to get out, which is exactly what one should do from a resort, unless of course it is Tunbridge Wells, which I seem to remember is twinned from Sadlers Wells, which I think is...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Repetition of Wells.
NP: Yes. So Paul, another correct challenge, 18 seconds available, the last resort starting now.
PM: Jonathan Ross started his TV career with...
BUZZ
NP: Kit you challenged.
KHH: Sorry, hesitation there.
NP: He did hesitate. Why? Because he did start his...
PM: Yeah he did...
NP: ... with a programme called The Last Resort.
PM: Yeah I thought I was going to repeat television again. So but I'd said something else, TV...
NP: Ah!
PM: So I stopped myself for no reason whatsoever!
NP: I know.
PM: Can I have the benefit of the doubt?
NP: No I've given you one benefit, you can't have two, two so soon, no.
PM: When can I have the next benefit of the doubt?
NP: When you deserve it.
PM: Okay.
NP: Right. Sixteen seconds for you Kit on the last resort starting now.
KHH: Heading down metrically aware...
BUZZ
NP: Who challenged? Paul.
PM: Do I deserve it yet? Is it now?
NP: No but what you deserve now is a bonus point, because they enjoyed your interruption there. But Kit gets a point because he was interrupted, keeps the subject, and there are 15 seconds, the last resort starting now.
KHH: In the opposite direction, one comes to the Minack Theatre in Cornwall, where as a young TV I appeared in The Duchess of Plaza Toro's role in The Gondoliers...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: I'm sorry, did you say as a young TV?
KHH: Yes, it wasn't a repetition of TV because I hadn't said it earlier. You had earlier, but I think...
NP: You appeared as a young TV?
KHH: I was playing the Duchess, the Duchess of Plaza Toro in The Gondoliers.
MM: Do you mean transvestite?
KHH: Yes! I wanted to spare the people of Tunbridge Wells who didn't know that sort of thing.
CF: What size TV were you?
NP: Yes!
KHH: I was wide screen, big boy!
NP: So you came on stage as a television?
KHH: As a television!
NP: I can't...
PM: If there was ever a case of benefit of the doubt...
NP: It's not impossible that you could have dressed up, it might have been a sort of pantomime type show.
KHH: It was, it was the Duchess of Plaza Toro...
NP: Well all right, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. He could have come on dressed as a TV, couldn't he? He could have had a cabinet pulled over him. I went to, as a little boy, to a fancy dress party, dressed as Humpty Dumpty, they made me look exactly like Humpty Dumpty.
PM: Is that where you met Charlie Chaplin?
MM: No, but Nicholas, haven't we already established that he did come on dressed as a transvestite? Is that wrong to say on Radio Four? No, he did, that's what he said.
KHH: That was my point, yes, I was in the travesty role, so I was transvestite...
NP: Yes.
KHH: ... as the Duchess of Plaza Toro.
PM: Can I get this right?
MM: Yes.
PM: Nicholas, you've given Kit the decision because you once dressed up as Humpty Dumpty at a kids' party?
NP: That's got nothing to do with it, I was trying to illustrate the fact that in this particular production, down in Cornwall, Kit put on a suit which looked like a television set so he could go on as a TV.
MM: No!
KHH: No, I was the Duchess of Plaza Toro, I had to sing...
MM: He was dressed as a woman!
KHH: You do it yourself, Nicholas, all the time!
NP: But where does the television come into it? Where does the TV come in?
MM: TV means transvestite!
NP: Oh I see! I'm of a different generation! Oh I know about transvestites but I didn't know... you said a transvestite, I didn't know what you were talking about.
KHH: Yes, is that allowed in the rules of Just A Minute, to use initials?
CF: I think in that case, I have the right to an answer. What size TV were you?
NP: Yes. You see Clement's of a similar generation so he thought you were talking about a TV.
MM: No he didn't! He was making a very funny joke.
NP: Well he made a joke yes, because it was a good joke anyway, if it was a television. It was a very good joke. But you don't say what size transvestite were you!
KHH: Yes.
PM: I've got 50 quid in my pocket that says let's forget the last 10 minutes!
NP: I would put 50 quid on the fact that that was one of the best 10 minutes we've had! There we are so they enjoyed that. I don't know where we are, I don't know who has the benefit of the doubt...
MM: Tunbridge Wells!
NP: I think now the only thing I can do is give the benefit of the doubt to Kit Hesketh-Harvey and say you have the last resort and you have six seconds starting now.
KHH: Unfortunately it was directly above a sewage outflow into the Bay of Marazian and there was a definite whiff, which made this particular last resort not at all...
WHISTLE
NP: Well Kit with his transvestism got quite a few points in that round and has moved rapidly forward. He's only one behind our leader Paul Merton, and Paul we're back with you to begin.
KHH: Ah.
NP: Ah what a lovely topical subject, disgusted of Tunbridge Wells. Will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
PM: I believe it was a phrase popularised by a satirical magazine called Private Eye in the 1960s. They would often read spoof letters from people in Tunbridge Wells and mark it down as Disgusted from Tunbridge Wells. But as I walk around this beautiful Tunbridge Wells place, it's called Tunbridge Wells, I think to myself I remember my school days. Me and Kit would run together through the meadows tickling trout, picking up octopus and throwing him over hedgerows. What a wonderful time it was to pick up seafood...
BUZZ
NP: Kit you challenged.
KHH: Repetition of wonderful, although it was.
PM: It was, it was hilarious.
NP: It was, it was hilarious.
PM: Idyllic Nicholas, to be young in Tunbridge Wells.
NP: I know, it was, it was so enjoyable, I wish they'd let you go. Because you were going into the realm of the surreal at which you're so good. But anyway Kit interrupted you and you did repeat wonderful, 32 seconds, disgusted of Tunbridge Wells, Kit starting now.
KHH: Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells has a great deal to be disgusted about. Desimus Burton, our fabulous architect here, is now mistaken for a chain of clothing retailers. Tunbridge Where doesn't come from, oh no, I really haven't...
BUZZ
NP: Maria you got in that time.
MM: It's not called Tunbridge Where.
NP: No, it's hesitation, right, 17 seconds, disgusted of Tunbridge Wells is with you starting now.
MM: Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells is a shorthand way of describing the sort of person who may write venomous and poisonous letters to... TV stations...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: That was a hesitation.
NP: That was a hesitation.
MM: Oh curses!
NP: Oh yes!
MM: When I said TV stations, I meant...
NP: So Paul, disgusted of Tunbridge... Paul you had a correct challenge, eight seconds, disgusted of Tunbridge Wells starting now.
PM: Dear British Broadcasting Corporation, I attended a performance of Just A Minute, in Tunbridge Wells last week, and was horrified by what Nicholas Parsons was wearing...
WHISTLE
NP: So Paul Merton was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point, has increased his lead at the end of that round over Kit Hesketh-Harvey and Maria McErlane and Clement Freud in that order. So right Maria, will you take the next round, the subject is meat and two veg. Good subject, tell us something about meat and two veg Maria, 60 seconds starting now.
MM: Meat and two veg is often described as a balanced meal. It's also used about the contents of a gentleman's underpants. Now having watched a bush tucker trial on the recent I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, I watched somebody eating a kangaroo's testicles. And from...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: That's very difficult. Was the kangaroo bouncing up and down? How the hell do you get that on the plate? Do you grip the back of the kangaroo? Chomp in mid stride? What goes on? Deviation, you can't...
NP: Well I think, she didn't establish it, but I think we assume that they had been taken off and fried first. But we did enjoy what you said Paul, so we give you a bonus point for that, the audience loved it. But Maria, you were interrupted, so you still have meat and two veg and you have 41 seconds starting now.
MM: They were taken off and they were raw. And I would put any money on the fact that they were not vegetables...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Ah repetition of they were. They were.
NP: They were, they were.
MM: They were.
NP: Yes they were.
CF: They were vegetables.
NP: So Clement, you got in with meat and two testicles... I'm sorry... it would have been a very good subject, but actually it's meat and two veg Clement, 34 seconds starting now.
CF: I met this woman and I said "do let us try meat and two veg", and she said "where?" "Cauliflower," I said...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation I'm afraid Clement, yes.
CF: It was a question mark.
NP: Twenty-six seconds available Paul, meat and two veg starting now.
PM: I am sitting next to Clement Freud, who of course...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Nothing to do with the subject.
NP: No but he was...
PM: I had been going for six words!
NP: Yes. He only had six words, he was probably leading on to saying that it reminded him of meat and two veg or something, I don't know. No you challenged him...
PM: I wasn't going to say that.
NP: Weren't you? It doesn't matter.
CF: In that case it's deviation.
NP: No, it was a good try Clement, and it's not even worth the benefit of the doubt, I'm afraid...
CF: How about a bonus point?
NP: You've had plenty of those in your time, but not on this occasion, 24 seconds Paul, meat and two veg starting now.
PM: He's a very skilled chef and I'm sure could regale us with all kinds of recipes for meat and two veg. My own particular favourite, and I'm not a culinary expert by any stretch at all, I would say that my favourite two veg...
BUZZ
NP: Clement yes?
CF: Favourite.
NP: Favourite.
PM: Oh yes.
NP: Repetition yes, 13 seconds Clement, meat and two veg starting now.
CF: She sits among the cauliflowers and peas (pees) was something which the censor thought was terribly wrong and so the Victorian music hall actress was asked to change the words and make them...
WHISTLE
NP: So Clement Freud, speaking then as the whistle went moved forward and he's equal with Maria McErlane in third place, just behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey who is just behind Paul Merton. And Paul we're back with you to begin so would you take the subject of ducking and diving, 60 seconds as usual starting now.
PM: Ducking and diving, it's what Cockneys say to each other when you're staying one step ahead of the game. (in Cockney accent) I was doing a bit of ducking and diving, do you know what I mean, up round the houses, round the band, out the back. (normal voice) And that's the sort of thing they say. It doesn't really mean anything...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: There were lots of says there, weren't there?
NP: Yes, it's the thing that Cockneys say and...
PM: Yes.
NP: Say say say, right! Forty-eight seconds, ducking and diving with you Kit starting now.
KHH: Lawrence of Arabia did a lot of diving during the Sinai War, escaping from the Turks, who were trying to attack him in Durria, not a very good place to be attacked. He managed to duck and dive by eating his camels, having ridden them, which was pretty good, and you can't do that with a Morris Marina, can you? Ducking and diving is better than bobbing and weaving. For example if you're being attacked why...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Deviation, I don't think so.
NP: Well I think it's a matter of opinion and ah...
CF: He said as if it were a fact.
NP: In his mind, it is a fact. You can only speak from your own personal experience and in this game, you speak from personal experience. And in his personal experience, ducking and diving is better than bobbing and weaving. And so he has to have a natural benefit of the doubt, in fact I think he's absolutely accurate, I'd give it him anyway. Twenty-six seconds, ducking and diving with you Kit starting now.
KHH: Because if you are being attacked, why would you bring out a loom and some tapestry...
BUZZ
NP: Maria challenged.
MM: I think we've had attacked before.
KHH: Yes.
NP: He was attacked before, wasn't he.
KHH: Well done Maria.
MM: You were attacked in Durria.
NP: Maria there's no need to underline it, darling. There are 23 seconds Maria on ducking and diving starting now.
MM: Ducking and diving is not allowed in the shallow end of the swimming pool. Neither is heavy petting, bombing, smoking cigarettes, taking drugs, using heavy machinery, eating beans on toast, going to the loo, hopping on one leg, doing the long jump...
BUZZ
NP: Clement you challenged.
CF: I thought there was an element of deviation in being in the shallow end of the swimming pool and going to the loo. You have to get out of...
NP: You always go in the deep end, do you?
PM: I go from the diving board! And also, it was a bit of a list, wasn't it!
NP: It was a great list. And she was getting...
CF: We don't like lists!
NP: She was getting back at Clement over his lists!
PM: We don't like lists, we've never liked lists on Tunbridge Wells.
NP: Well listen, this is the penultimate round, so I don't think Clement that your challenge was correct. You've got two seconds so keep going, ducking and diving starting now.
MM: (sings) Ducking and diving, ducking and diving, ducking and....
WHISTLE
MM CHEERS
MM: Did I do a whole minute? Did I do a whole minute Nicholas?
NP: So Maria then was speaking as the whistle went...
MM: Did I do a whole minute there?
NP: No, Paul started the subject. You're going to begin the next round, it's the last round so you might go for a whole minute. And you're in fourth place, but it's a very good fourth place. But you're only one point behind Clement Freud and he's only two points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey, a few more behind Paul Merton, as we move into the final round.
KHH: Awwwwww!
NP: And so Maria will you take the final round, the subject is off the record. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
MM: Off the record is a term often used when talking to journalists, when you don't want them to print what you are talking about. Whereupon they are meant to turn off the tape recorder so you can tell them about your sexual lusting of heifers in fields. But I urge you... to stop talking Maria! Because you don't know what you're talking about.
NP: Carry on.
MM: Oh no! You are making... I don't need to be patronised Nicholas. In that way...
NP: You're not being patronised, the audience just love you.
KHH: We want to hear about you and heifers and things!
NP: Yes!
MM: No I knew that I was repeating myself and hesitating...
NP: No but carry on! No-one's challenged you!
MM: No no no no...
NP: Keep going!
BUZZ
NP: Clement has challenged.
CF: Repetition.
NP: Right. Of what?
CF: The silence.
NP: Absolutely, yes. Clement, how well you listened there, you have the subject with 40 seconds to go, off the record starting now.
CF: Forty seconds?
BUZZ
NP: Yes. Paul challenged.
PM: Accurate timekeeping! Deviation, he's not talking about off the record.
NP: No he wasn't and you've got 38 seconds Paul, off the record starting now.
PM: When I was about 13, I had a little tape recorder and I used to tape records, gramophone records and things like that. And it was...
BUZZ
NP: Kit challenged.
KHH: Sorry, repetition of records.
NP: Yes.
KHH: Because it's off the record.
NP: The subject on the card is off the record.
PM: Ah yes.
CF: And tape as well.
NP: And you had records.
KHH: And you had tape as well.
PM: Oh yeah.
CF: A lot of repetition.
PM: Repetition of tape.
KHH: Looped, round and round.
NP: Kit, 32 seconds available, off the record starting now.
KHH: Off the record, and I feel I can share it with a room as sensitive as you, and in this discrete setting, I can reveal that I was married in a civil ceremony to Nicholas Parsons earlier this year. We...
BUZZ
NP: Paul you've challenged.
PM: Nicholas, is this true? This is bigamy!
NP: Well I don't remember it.
PM: Well the fact that you don't remember it is no indication of anything, is it!
NP: As far as I know, it is deviation.
PM: Well you know... I think we're more liberal than that these days, aren't we?
KHH: Even in Tunbridge Wells!
PM: Yes.
NP: Even in Tunbridge Wells, yes. I mean you did talk about transvestism earlier on. But even so, I don't remember a marriage.
PM: That must hit home, Kit. That's terrible!
KHH: Painful! Very painful! Not what you said to me in the Franjapanny as you strewed across, and you slipped out of your chanton silk! He was a tender but urgent and inventive lover that night.
PM: He took you there as well? I've been there twice!
NP: Audience I do assure you, what Kit is saying is not true! I have not had a wedding in Tunbridge Wells! Not to Kit anyway! Paul correct challenge, 20 seconds, off the record starting now.
PM: Many years ago I was interviewed by a journalist for The Sunday Times. And I was rather a little bit indiscreet in what I said. Because I happened to mention a couple of things about Just A Minute. And I pointed out that Nicholas Parsons is in the habit of marrying panellists on the show. Ironically Maria is the only woman here who hasn't had, well I say she's, well that's back to back...
BUZZ
NP: Clement you challenged.
CF: Hesitation.
NP: I think there was a hesitation, he stumbled there. And do you know Clement, you cleverly got in with half a second to go.
KHH: Oh!
NP: Off the record Clement, starting now.
CF: Off the record...
WHISTLE
NP: Well let me give you the final score in this particular show. Maria McErlane who hasn't played the game quite as frequently as others, came along, but did very well, finished in a fine fourth place. She was two or three points behind Kit Hesketh-Harvey in third place, and he was two or three points behind Clement Freud in second place. And they were all quite a few points behind Paul Merton, who we say Paul, you are the winner this week! It only remains for me to say thank you to these four delightful players of the game, Paul Merton, Kit Hesketh-Harvey, Maria McErlane and Clement Freud. And I also thank Charlotte Davies, who has helped me with the score, she has blown her whistle with great elegance throughout the show. We are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. And also we are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. And we are very grateful to this lovely audience here in the Assembly Hall Theatre here in Tunbridge Wells who have cheered us on our way. From our audience, from me Nicholas Parsons, good-bye, tune in again the next time we play Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC