starring PAUL MERTON, CLEMENT FREUD, LIZA TARBUCK and JACK DEE, chaired by NICHOLAS PARSONS (Radio, 10 March 2008)
NICHOLAS PARSONS: Welcome to Just A Minute!
THEME MUSIC
NP: Thank you, thank you, hello, my name is Nicholas Parsons. And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more it is my huge pleasure to welcome our many listeners only in this country but throughout the world. But also to welcome to the show four intelligent, articulate, clever, amusing individuals who are going to show off their verbal dexterity, their ingenuity with words and language as they try and speak on a subject I will give them and they try and do that without hesitation, repetition or deviation. And they are, seated on my right, Paul Merton and Clement Freud. And seated on my left, Liza Tarbuck and Jack Dee. Would you please welcome all four of them! Thank you! Beside me sits Trudi Stevens, who will help me with the score, she will blow a whistle when the 60 seconds are up. And this particular edition of Just A Minute is coming from the Greenwich Theatre, in that lovely area of south-east London, which is called Greenwich. And that’s why it’s called the Greenwich Theatre. And we have a lovely Greenwich type audience in the audience here who have come from far and wide to cheer us on our way. So we begin the show, let’s begin with Jack Dee. He’s only played it once before. Jack, oh a good subject, a topical subject, the 2012 Olympics, will you tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
JACK DEE: The 2012 Olympics are of course a huge excitement. One of the things I think they have missed out from the plans, is to involve a village idiot for the Olympics. I think that every Olympiad should have an Olympics village idiot.
BUZZ
NP: Clement Freud challenged.
CLEMENT FREUD: Two village idiots.
JD: Yeah.
NP: Two village idiots.
JD: I got carried away with the idea, I’m sorry.
NP: Maybe two would be more fun than just one, I don’t know. Clement you get a point for a correct challenge, we give Jack Dee a point because we love his contribution there, which is a bonus point for him. Clement you have the subject, the 2012 Olympics, 46 seconds available starting now.
CF: The very good news I have for the people of Greenwich is the 2012 Olympics have been given to London. And as soon as I heard that we had the 2012 Olympics, I went into training. It is no, it was...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PAUL MERTON: Ah slight hesitation.
CF: Yeah.
NP: There was a hesitation, yes he made his point about his training, they all looked at him and um, no no it was a great joke and he deserved his response.
CF: I was going to say the over 80s pole vault.
NP: I’ll join you Clement.
CF: Good.
NP: But Paul you had a correct challenge, so you get a point for that and you have 28 seconds Paul, the 2012 Olympics starting now.
PM: London bid against all other major cities in the world. Not all of them because some of them...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Repetition of all.
NP: Yes, all of the, yes yes. So Clement you got in with a correct challenge again and you have 18 seconds to take over the 2012 Olympics starting now.
CF: I think to have Brighton, Hove and Wintlesea as places where people are going to pull weights, um...
BUZZ
CF: I’m not sure where this is getting me.
NP: Jack’s challenged.
JD: There was hesitation.
NP: It was hesitation Jack yes and you’ve got in with 10 seconds available, tell us something about the 2012 Olympics starting now.
JD: If this was not on the radio, you’d be able to see that I am of course in peak physical condition. And I intend to stay that way for the next four years or so so that I can take part in the Olympiad which I am so...
WHISTLE
JD: I got away with the sos.
NP: In this game whoever is speaking when the whistle goes gains an extra point. On this occasion it was Jack Dee, he is now equal in the lead with Clement Freud, then Paul Merton and Liza Tarbuck. And Liza we’d like you to begin the next round, the subject is the perfect Sunday afternoon. Just have a little thought about it, then talk about it, 60 seconds starting now.
LIZA TARBUCK: Let’s suppose I’ve had quite a late brunch of perhaps thickly chopped mushrooms in a pan with some goat’s butter and half a tin of cherry tomatoes on top, lightly fried, just to evaporate and make it a bit thicker, on rye, because that is my favourite preferred at the moment. And 15 pots of tea with the cryptic crosswords from the Observer and the Times, I’m already blissed off my chonk. And anything you bring into me I can only say to you will just bring my day better, brighter...
BUZZ
NP: Jack has challenged you.
JD: I would prefer we keep street parlance out of this, wouldn’t we?
LT: Yes, blissed off my chonk...
JD: Blissed?
LT: I have no idea what...
NP: So you are challenging for what?
JD: Deviation from good English.
LT: No!
NP: No, I think everybody in the audience understood what she meant by it.
LT: Thank you.
NP: It’s a lovely phrase, I’m going to try and remember that. What was it you said?
LT: I said blissed off my chonk. Have I ever said it before? No.
NP: How many, how many people in the audience have ever been pissed off their chonk?
JD: No no...
NP: No, blissed off their chonk.
LT: Not on a Sunday morning.
NP: That’s a, well, some Sunday mornings it’s quite nice...
LT: Well yeah, to be fair...
PM: I don’t know if Liza’s idyllic Sunday morning was drinking heavily on her own!
LT: That would make me quite lonely, wouldn’t it.
NP: Yes but anyway it was an incorrect challenge so...
LT: Drinking heavily! At 11 o’clock!
NP: Yeah, 30 seconds are still available Liza, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
LT: With a little liaison avec my ginger friend who happens to be Welsh Wilf, a dog...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: It got a bit garbled in there, was it sort of...
NP: Terribly garbled, I don’t know. Her ginger friend? There was something about a dog.
LT: The front row understood.
PM: I didn’t understand it.
LT: With a little yewl, because basically he whines, because he needs to go for a walk.
NP: I’ll tell you what Liza, we didn’t understand it but, but you didn’t hesitate, deviate or repeat anything...
LT: Five points will buy my silence.
NP: No, so we give you...
PM: Why didn’t you say this years ago?
NP: We give you the benefit of the date Liza, keep the subject...
LT: Oh God!
NP: ... 24 seconds, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
LT: Opening the bottle of wine about ha;f past 11, making sure...
BUZZ
NP: Jack challenged.
JD: Excuse me, this is deviation, you’re talking about the perfect Sunday afternoon, half past 11 is in the morning.
NP: Well listened.
PM: Isn’t that preparation for the afternoon?
LT: Thank you Mister Merton.
PM: Starting drinking at half past 11.
NP: Not, not in Just A Minute.
PM: Oh really?
NP: The subject is the perfect Sunday afternoon, she had gone to 11-30 in the morning. So Jack...
JD: Because otherwise we could be talking about Saturday afternoon which leads into Sunday morning, which leads into Sunday afternoon, do you see what I mean?
PM: Yeah.
JD: Yeah.
LT: Yes.
JD: So I think best to nip it in the bud.
NP: And you have 21 seconds to carry on, take over the subject, Jack the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
JD: When I think of my perfect Sunday afternoon, I always... imagine...
BUZZ
NP: Liza you challenged.
LT: Hesitation.
NP: Yes.
LT: I thought I’d just nip it in the bud!
JD: Shame, shame it’s got so personal really, isn’t it.
LT: Yeah.
NP: So Liza you’ve got the subject back again, you’ve got 17 seconds, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
LT: Having drawn a beautifully temped bath...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Is it me? Am I going deaf?
LT: No.
PM: I lost the sense of that.
NP: It wasn’t, it wasn’t quite English, a beautiful temped bath?
PM: Yeah. Deviation from English.
LT: I wanted to say temperature.
PM: Ah.
LT: And I ended, I tried to say temperate.
PM: Yeah.
NP: And you did, but I think that was a sort of deviation from English as we understand it.
LT: I don’t doubt that, Paul you’re right.
NP: Paul you have a correct challenge, 14 seconds, a perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
PM: There’s nothing I like better on a Sunday afternoon than getting pissed off my chonk! I go down the pub, knock it back like there’s no tomorrow! I have no idea how much I’ve consumed, alcohol-wise, but I know by the end of the evening if I can’t remember my name...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged, you challenged?
CF: Repetition of know.
NP: Know?
PM: A bit harsh.
NP: It was a bit harsh. Because we enjoyed it, you were going magnificently. But Clement’s got in with three seconds to go on the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
CF: My perfect Sunday afternoon would be in 2012...
BUZZ
NP: Liza challenged.
LT: Do you know what? I just did that then to try and get in with half a second.
NP: So you’ve no challenge within the rules of Just A Minute?
LT: I’m just a little bit, you know...
NP: Yeah.
LT: ... hot!
NP: Darling you won lots of points in that round and ah...
JD: It’s just a game right.
NP: You’re doing very well. And Clement I’ve got to be fair, it was an incorrect challenge...
LT: Quite right.
NP: So you get another point, half a second to go, the perfect Sunday afternoon starting now.
WHISTLE
LT: I was right, he was still hesitating.
NP: The person who should have been speaking when the whistle went, um, was Clement Freud so he got that extra point on that occasion and he’s now out in the lead, he’s two ahead of Jack Dee, and then one behind is Liza Tarbuck and Paul Merton. that’s the situation. Clement will you begin the next round, the subject, no, something’s happened? Oh the watch has gone funny. Is your watch working now? I must explain to our listeners because the audience is intrigued. Trudi never speaks, she just mimes everything. She’s not actually deaf and dumb and...
JD: Can I just say Nicholas, I think Trudi’s doing a really good job. And if this ends up at a Tribunal, I want no part of it.
NP: Trudi also has a sense of humour and she knows it’s all done for fun. Because that is what we do, the whole thing for fun.
JD: You never can tell these days! You’ll laugh away and next thing you know you’ve got a court order slapped on you!
NP: She smiles a lot but never speaks. Right um, it’s some men’s dream, isn’t it! I wasn’t suggesting for a moment that it was my dream! I said it is some, some chauvinist type people’s dream. I’m not a chauvinist. No I’ve embraced the opposite sex as many times as I possibly can. And good luck to them, they’re taking over the world unfortunately. There we are, there we are.
LT: It was going so well!
NP: Now I’m afraid we ineffectual men have to admit that they are the stronger sex. They, they really do dominate but they do very well. I’m digging a hole for myself, aren’t i! Right...
PM: I think you’ve just hit the Bakerloo Line, haven’t you?
NP: Oh forgive me! Clement it’s your turn to begin so now can you talk about behind the times, 60 seconds starting now.
CF: When The Times decreased its volume, or rather the pages became smaller than they were, it was very difficult to be behind the Times, and not miss an awful lot of what was...
BUZZ
NP: Paul you challenged?
PM: Well there was a hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation, Paul you have a correct challenge, you get a point for that, you take over the subject, 49 seconds, behind the times starting now.
PM: Just A Minute is 40 years old this year and if you listen to the very early recordings, you can hear Clement and Kenneth and Peter Jones and Derek Nimmo and of course Nicholas indulge in this magnificent game. And in fact it hasn’t dated whatsoever. I was listening...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Absolutely right!
NP: He’s picking bonus points up all the time, isn’t he. But Paul you were interrupted, you get a point for that, you keep the subject, behind the times, 35 seconds starting now.
PM: It’s fascinating to listen to it, and it is incredibly extremely fantastic to think that this programme is still running after all this length of time. I...
BUZZ
NP: Jack challenged.
JD: There was a hesitation there with the words.
NP: No no he was keeping going...
JD: All this a length of time?
NP: Yes he was struggling a little but he didn’t actually hesitate.
JD: Right well I won’t interrupt again then.
NP: You might have had him for deviation of language, a length of time. But it doesn’t matter, no, Paul, an incorrect challenge, 25 seconds, behind the times starting now.
PM: The man behind The Times is literally Rupert Murdoch. The editor of that august newspaper must occasionally consult with the great newspaper baron because...
BUZZ
NP: Liza challenged.
LT: Newspaper, newspaper.
NP: That’s right, newspaper, newspaper.
PM: Did I say newspaper newspaper?
LT: Yeah.
PM: That was a bit stupid of me. Was it as quick as that?
NP: You talked about the newspaper and then the newspaper baron.
PM: Oh did I?
NP: Yes you did, don’t you listen to what you say?
PM: I don’t listen to this, it’s bad enough saying it! It’s everybody else I feel sorry for!
NP: Liza another point to you and 15 seconds on behind the times starting now.
LT: It could be said that my lovely dad, also known as the grey bear, is behind the times. When it was Christmas last, we all told him that the sofa was really rather uncomfortable and couldn’t house all 12 of us, would he mind shelling out to get a better one with a new chair for himself...
WHISTLE
NP: Well at the end of that round Liza Tarbuck was speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. She’s moved forward, she’s still equal in third place with Jack Dee, just behind Paul Merton and ahead of them is Clement Freud. And Paul it’s your turn to begin, the subject is for what we are about to receive. That is the subject, talk on it if you can, starting now.
PM: For what we are about to receive, we must surely be grateful. It’s something like that, isn’t it. Grace that’s said after a meal or before even, I suppose. Because you’re talking about what you are about to receive, rather than what has been received.
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Rather.
NP: Yes.
PM: Did I?
NP: Yes yes.
CF: Yeah.
PM: That’s not like me.
NP: Clement, another challenge correct to you and 49 seconds available, for what we are about to receive starting now.
CF: Is what the manager tends to tell the receptionist, for what we are about to receive. For God’s sake, be careful and say we are fully booked. There’s no more accommodation in this nice hostelry, to which they are trying to go. For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful is what you tend to get before a meal, irrespective of the quality of the food that follows.
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Hesitation.
NP: Yeah there was, I don’t know where he was going, I think.
CF: I stopped.
PM: He stopped, yeah.
CF: Yeah.
NP: Yeah he stopped yes.
CF: Is that a hesitation?
NP: If you stop, it’s definitely...
CF: No I deliberately stopped.
PM: It’s probably only hesitation if he starts again.
CF: Quite right, yes. If I can’t have a point, could I have the benefit of the doubt?
NP: No! Because that’s the only way we can interpret it, if someone comes to a halt, they have hesitated. So Paul, correct challenge, 22 seconds, for what we are about to receive starting now.
PM: If you play the noble game of cricket and you are a batsman, you can look down to the other wicket and think to yourself, the bowler is coming towards me now, he may be fast, slow, medium paced. But you have to say to yourself, for what I am about to receive, I must be truly grateful, because here is a chance to score a run. Perhaps a four, a boundary, six, any kind of number of runs could...
BUZZ
JD: Oh I’m sorry, run and runs. Sorry I got the runs there.
NP: You anticipated...
JD: I got it wrong, my apologies.
NP: You needn’t apologise, it was nice hearing from you Jack.
JD: Oh right, good. I’ll do it more often then.
NP: But I’m afraid Paul got in with, you’ve challenged him with half a second to go. So another half second Paul on for what we are about to receive starting now.
PM: Radiograms and high evolution...
WHISTLE
NP: Right so Paul Merton was then speaking as the whistle went, gained that extra point. He’s moving up on our leader Clement Freud, and Liza it’s with you to begin. The subject now, regional accents. Tell us something about that subject in this game starting now.
LT: To understand a regional accent the best thing to do is have a look at the geography of the area. For example if you were going into central England and therefore perhaps Birmingham, you might recognise that the area looks like...
BUZZ
LT: Area.
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Recognise.
NP: Recognise yes.
LT: Oh thank you very much.
NP: That’s right.
LT: Better than area.
NP: Repetition yes, 49 seconds Clement, regional accents starting now.
CF: You will know that I am pretty good at regional accents. For instance my Cornish is better than Devon. Somerset and Wiltshire come next. I then do Sussex with extreme skill whereas...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Clement, would you mind treating us?
NP: Will you respond to the challenge?
CF: I was going to do Suffolk and Norfolk and Lincoln next.
NP: All right. So Paul you get a bonus point because we enjoyed the interruption, Clement’s going to keep the subject and respond to the challenge. And there are 34 seconds, regional accents starting now.
CF: My Derbyshire accent is probably the most notable, and that which people quite frequently request. I do, do my...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Clement will you do your Derbyshire accent? It’s the one you get all the requests for, isn’t it! You swear you’re in Derbyshire when you hear it, you really do.
NP: Paul we enjoyed the interruption, another point to you, Clement’s still got the subject, he’s got 25 seconds on your Derbyshire accent starting now.
CF: We had in Suffolk a man called the singing postman who had the most wonderful regional accent. (in Suffolk accent) Have you got a light, boy?
BUZZ
NP: Oh!
PM: I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have challenged then. It was repetition of accent.
NP: It was a repetition of accent.
PM: And we had, accents is on the card, but it’s accent.
NP: He was saying accent in the singular then.
PM: Yeah.
NP: So Paul you’ve at last got the subject and you’ve got 18 seconds on regional accents starting now.
PM: Various cities throughout this country could be heard in the, in the... oh no!
BUZZ
NP: Jack.
PM: That was a really good bit as well!
JD: There was a, there was a hesitation.
NP: There was a hesitation.
JD: A hesitation in a sort of south London accent, I would say.
PM: I was about to give you a panoply.
NP: Fourteen seconds Jack, tell us something about regional accents starting now.
JD: Regional accents are something of a misnomer of course, because it isn’t the area that has the accent, rather the people who live within it. I actually think regional accents are rather charming and I like to hear...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Repetition of rather.
NP: Yes yes.
JD: Well if we are going to split hairs.
NP: So you’ve got in, another point Clement, two seconds on regional accents starting now.
CF: The regional accents in the north east of England...
WHISTLE
LT: I had so much to say!
NP: So Clement Freud’s regional accents which he never demonstrated though he was challenged frequently to do so, kept him going and he’s now increased his lead at the end of that round, ahead of Paul Merton in second place, Jack Dee and then Liza Tarbuck in that order. And the subject is, Jack we’d like you to begin this round, it’s traffic jams.
JD: How long do I have? A Minute?
NP: You have a minute. You have 60 seconds. I’m fascinated Jack that you write down that you’ve got a minute.
JD: No I’m not, I’m actually, I have written it down but what I’ve realised is that as, it doesn’t change in the paper so it doesn’t help. It doesn’t work like a stopwatch.
PM: What I do is I write a second on every page and then flick through one at a time!
JD: Thanks, see, seasoned, that’s a nice tip, thanks, thanks for that Paul, that will help.
NP: Anyway Jack, it’s traffic jams, tell us something about that in this game starting now.
JD: For my last birthday, I was delighted to be given a pot of... strawberry conserve...
BUZZ
NP: Liza you challenged.
LT: Hesitation.
NP: It was a hesitation.
JD: Though it was quite interesting and if you had not interrupted, you would have found out a bit more about that.
LT: Oh stop it!
JD: But now you’ll never know because I’m...
NP: Fifty-five seconds still available Liza, traffic jams starting now.
LT: There’s nothing I like...
BUZZ
NP: Paul yes.
PM: Hesitation there.
NP: There was a...
PM: You could have made a ham sandwich...
LT: It was because he was talking! He was talking in my ear, putting me off!
NP: I know, he was putting you off.
LT: He was, yeah.
PM: Was he?
LT: Yeah.
NP: Yes I think.
LT: Really aggressively.
NP: So Paul, I’ll tell you what I’ll do, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. To be utterly fair I’ll give you a point because it was a correct challenge. But give Liza the benefit of the doubt because Jack was nobbling her.
LT: But it’s okay.
PM: It’s funny how nerves take you.
NP: Professionally not physically. And, well it was physical, but not the other way.
LT: It was physical!
NP: Liza...
LT: My Lord?
NP: You have the benefit of the doubt and you have traffic jams still and there are 53 seconds starting now.
LT: There’s absolutely nothing I like more...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: Deviation.
NP: Why?
CF: She didn’t hesitate.
PM: It’s true, she didn’t hesitate, she didn’t.
LT: True.
PM: She didn’t hesitate, she didn’t.
NP: But it’s not a correct challenge Clement.
LT: A lesser woman would crumble!
CF: How can that not be?
NP: But it was a clever one, so um give him a bonus point, he loves his bonus points. Liza you got a point for an incorrect challenge and there are 52 seconds, traffic jams starting now.
LT: Nothing, oh!
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: That was a sudden halt.
NP: That was. Definite hesitation and you have 50 seconds available still on traffic jams, Paul starting now.
PM: Traffic jams, what a wonderful subject that is. We’ve all been stuck in traffic jams at some time in our life or other. I was travelling here today from central London. Indeed I got caught in a traffic jam so there was nothing for it, I jumped into the river Thames, and swam the rest of the way. I’m dedicated to this show, who doesn’t care, they can’t stop me. I wasn’t even booked tonight.
BUZZ
PM: Kit Hesketh-Harvey is in a cupboard back there, I’ve tied him up!
NP: Jack you challenged.
JD: It’s deviation really because if, if you’re in a traffic jam you should have taken a deviation from that point.
PM: Yes.
JD: But also you started talking about swimming...
PM: Yeah.
JD: And that’s not...
PM: To avoid the traffic jam.
JD: No! No no, you don’t get off that lightly. Not in my book!
NP: All right, he was deviating, well done Jack, you have 34 seconds on traffic jams starting... Jack look if you keep flirting...
JD: Sir, Liza just put me off!
NP: I know! The two of you are having a little game together there.
PM: You should separate them! Separate them!
NP: Naughty boy! Right, you write the numbers first, don’t you, 34 seconds, are you going to write it down?
JD: I will, yes, so I know. Right?
PM: Remember that number is subject to change!
JD: Cheers!
NP: And there are 34 seconds, traffic jams Jack, starting now.
JD: Going back to the aforementioned celebration when I was presented with...
BUZZ
NP: Clement challenged.
CF: What does he mean by aforementioned?
NP: Well he mentioned his celebration once before.
JD: My birthday, yeah.
NP: His birthday yes.
CF: Repetition!
NP: But not, it’s a repetitious thought but he wasn’t repeating anything within this round of Just A Minute, Clement.
CF: Has he spoken in this round of Just A Minute?
NP: Yes! Yes he has.
JD: I started it. I started it Clement.
NP: Nurse, he is out of bed again!
LT: It was a long time ago!
NP: Jack you’ve still got the subject, you’ve got a point as well, 30 seconds, traffic jams start in bed.
JD: As I was saying, I was presented with a very nice jar of strawberry conserve and in it were little confectionary...
BUZZ
NP: Clement has challenged.
CF: Repetition of strawberries. He had just got to strawberries.
JD: I can see this story isn’t going to get told, is it!
NP: So did you repeat strawberries?S
JD: Probably, yes!
NP: Right.
JD: It’s quite difficult not to!
NP: So 25 seconds available Clement, another point and the subject to you, traffic jams starting now.
CF: I was in Buckfastleigh not far from Totnes in Devon, and using my regional accent...
BUZZ
NP: Paul challenged.
PM: Oh no it was a bit, oh no, I thought it was a hesitation. There wasn’t.
NP: No there wasn’t a hesitation, no Paul, so Clement has another point and he has 20 seconds on traffic jams starting now.
CF: I had a Devonshire tea, and said (in bad Devon accent) “that’s traffic jam!” And they said...
BUZZ
PM: My immediate thought was that’s east side of Chicago!
NP: So what’s your challenge within the rules of...
PM: Well I don’t think that’s a Devonshire accent, is it?
NP: Well it’s...
PM: (in bad Devon accent) Preee bah ooh! (normal voice) Do we get a lot of listeners in Devon? I’m sure we do.
NP: (in Devon accent) Well it was Clement’s attempt to try and do a Devon accent but I don’t think it quite came off somehow.
CF: What part of Welsh is that?
PM: yeah!
NP: That’s very cruel Clement!
LT: And strangely accurate!
NP: Paul what was your challenge, within the rules of Just A Minute?
PM: Oh well it wasn’t a Devonshire accent.
NP: No it was deviation from a Devonshire accent.
PM: Yeah.
NP: So you have a point, you have 14 seconds, traffic jams starting now.
PM: I have traffic jam experience going throughout the country. You go to Liverpool, you think of various composers that might fit the Scouse accent. (Scouse accent) Mozart! (normal voice) That’s a good example. If you go to Birmingham...
BUZZ
NP: Liza challenged.
LT: Um deviation.
NP: What?
PM: (Scouse accent) Mozart!
LT: Mozart!
PM: (Scouse accent) Mozart!
LT: Don’t give me that, lad! But we, we got, um, we are suddenly on accents when in fact we were on traffic jams.
PM: Talking about the traffic jams in various places, various places, traffic jams.
LT: I don’t, I don’t understand, sir.
PM: I’m trying to do the stuff I would have done in regional accents.
LT: Yeah well just hang fire!
PM: (Birmingham accent) Birmingham, cossie, Korsakov. (normal voice) But the best one, the best one is Newcastle. (Newcastle accent) Schopenhauer.
NP: I don’t know what to say here now because we’ve only got five seconds to go and Paul keeps the subject, traffic jams, five seconds starting now.
PM: It was John Major’s great contribution to democracy to come up with a cone line. Do you remember that? You had to phone a particular number...
WHISTLE
NP: Right, so I said earlier that this would be the last round and I’m afraid it is. Jack Dee who has only played the game once before...
JD: I don’t want your pity, I don’t want your pity.
NP: No I’m going to compliment you, because you did marvellously.
JD: Thank you.
NP: I won’t mention you came in fourth place but you did fantastically. Liza Tarbuck who has played it a few times, contributed amazingly, she came in third place. She’s a few points behind Clement Freud and Paul Merton who happen to be equal in the lead so that’s a very fair result, joint winners on this side! So it only remains for me to say thank you to our four fine players of the game, Paul Merton, Jack Dee, Liza Tarbuck and Clement Freud. I thank Trudi Stevens, who has helped me with the score, blown her whistle with such aplomb. We are indebted to Ian Messiter who created this amazing game. We are grateful to our producer Tilusha Ghelani. And we are also grateful to this lovely audience at the Greenwich Theatre here in Greenwich. So from them, and me Nicholas Parsons and the team, good-bye, tune in the next time we play Just A Minute! Yes!
THEME MUSIC