Post Partum Depression
Such a cruel condition. I dealt with it for 2 years after the birth of my child. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to enjoy it all. i just couldn't. I wanted to hold my little girl and hug my hubby and just enjoy the beautiful miracle I had produced. I couldn't. It was as if someone crossed the wires in my brain. If my thoughts were good, they made me cry. If my thoughts were bad, I would think about them and obsess. It was crazy! I was afraid if she had a spot on her shirt someone would call child welfare and take her from me. If I was walking in the mall, I could picture dropping her from the railing on accident. Crazy things that couldn't happen, I obsessed over. I didn't want anyone near me. I tried to kick my husband out of the house(he wouldn't go). I would look at her and fear that I would shatter her inner peace, somehow. I was afraid to check on her in the morning. I didn't want to be the one to find her if she were to suffer from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
I felt this strong instinct. I was very confused by it. I knew in my heart what was right, I just let my head get in the way. I was so obesessed with being the perfect mommy. I knew it was time for me to get help when I felt that there was no better fate then for me to die. I started to picture my death and how I would do it. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Everything was dark.
It took 40 mgs of Prozac for me to get back on track. I refused medications for the first year. When I finally gave in, it was so nice to just feel "normal". I did not feel high, tired, or drugged. The medicine just made me feel like me, again. I took Prozac for about a year. I am now on a great path of recovery and am able to enjoy motherhood.
That was my story as best as I want to tell it. It was a lot of pain and anguish. I could have lost everything. I am grateful to my hubby that I am alive and have the oppurtunities I have.
Rosie's Story
My second son, Austin, was born September 26, 1996. I knew within a week that something was wrong. The back of my head felt like lead - I could not stand to sit up long or move around, this "feeling" in my head drove me crazy and I cried all the time. I didn't like Austin like a mother should and had NO patience with my 2 year old, Bryce. Thank God Bryce would watch cartoons and that Austin was such a low maintenance baby. He spent a lot of time in the baby swing, then when he was older, the walker. I spent a lot of time at my mom and dad's the first 3 months, they live 6 hours from here so my husband had to stay home to work of course. I felt bad separating the kids from their dad and he from them, but I had no other choice. I could not function at home by myself. I decided I could not stay there forever though, so came home in December. My doctor had told me right away that I had PPD but I didn't believe him and refused to go on Prozac like he wanted me to. But 2 weeks before Christmas things got so bad that I ended up in the hospital here. I would not get out of bed until noon, left my 2 yr old in his bedroom till then and threw Austin his bottle in the playpen beside my bed, he was such a good baby..I barely managed to feed them, never mind pay attention to them or anything extra. It breaks my heart now to think of what my little boys missed out on from their mother the first year. I just could not deal with life, I cried all the time, had no patience for anything and just wanted to crawl in a hole an die. I could see what I was doing to my family, but couldn't do anything about it. Anyways, the doctor kept me in the hospital and put me on Paxil and kept me there until I was feeling better. My mother in law took the kids and my husband picked them up at night and brought them home to sleep, then back over to her in the morning. She was great, but she was of the opinion that all I needed to do was get my act together, she did not realise it was a chemical imbalance. My mother finally had a talk with her months later - now she understands. Depression is not a very understood disease I found out. Well, things were better for about 3 months, then I started feeling all the same things again. Being stubborn, and not liking having to take pills of any form at all, I refused to go to the doctor until I ended up in the hospital again in March. My husband literally dragged me there and checked me in, I stayed a week while the doctor doubled my Paxil dose and I was feeling better again. Unfortunately PPD has triggered and/or affected many other things in my life. The Paxil worked, but made me very jittery so I had to be on sedatives for months to stay calm and so I would not have panic attacks, which I started having after Austin was born. I gained a whopping 80 pounds in less than 8 months, and I was hardly eating! It causes weight gain in some people. Because of that I tried 2 other antidepressants hoping the weight gain would stop, but they did not work for me, I was back in the hospital in a week!! Needless to say, I finally resigned myself to staying on the Paxil and gaining the weight. I was fat, but I was not out of control like I had been. I NEVER had my period, so was worried about getting pregnant. I desperatley wanted a little girl, but at my request hubby had a vascetomy last summer. My doctor had told me that my chances of having PPD again were 99% so I knew I could not go through this again. After 3 months of cutting down my dose gradually, I finally got myself off the Paxil this last March - I stayed with my parents for 2 weeks just in case. Well, within a week I had my period and it was heavy and lasted 3 weeks! Then it would end for a week and do the same thing again, 3 weeks straight!! Uggghhh! I was exhausted too, so went to the doctor again, he took tests and found out my thyroid gland was not working which causes heavy periods, fatigue, weight gain, among other things. He also said that my iron was low from the loss of blood. He put me on iron pills and thyroid meds and now, 6 weeks later, I am just starting to feel normal again. I thought it was the PPD again, thank God it wasn't. Although I thought I would have to go back on my meds in May...my dad passed away May 1st, we were very close and it has devastated my world. It took 2 weeks of really struggling to keep myself from sinking back into a depression, I think the only way I avoided it was telling myself that after all the help my dad gave me in the last 18 months to get over my depression, he would not want to see me go through it again. I have no doubt my health problems are indirectly caused by PPD. Anyone that thinks PPD is just PPD is wrong. It affects many aspects of your life, from your health to your family. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, it is HELL. Thankfully I had a wonderful, supportive family or I would have never made it through it. At one low point I think I would have killed my own children had my family not intervened - no kidding. I totally understand now how that can happen, it is totally beyond our control. I thank God every day for getting through my PPD, for my wonderful family and for the drugs that have been developed to help people with depression. My hope is thatthe last 18 months have not scarred my children for life...
Do you have a story about your battle with PPD? Do you know of any good websites that would help people? Please, email me with them.
I have some very good parenting support type links. I have not done too much surfing on the web. These can be a start for you. I hope if you think you have PPD you won't get embarrassed and you will seek help. Talk to your family doctor or your Ob/Gyn they may be able to help. Good luck.
Here are some links from a yahoo search.
You are not alone it happens to one in every ten women. Do something about it, you don't have to suffer!
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