QUIET MOMENTS

by Boz

Disclaimers - The characters belong to Paramount - let’s hope they can figure out the right way to treat them.....time is running out! I’ve also borrowed a scene from that terrific movie, "Notting Hill".

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I sit, my chin resting on my arms along the back of the couch, as I have done so many times over the last six years. This is my reflection time when I take out my thoughts and dust them off. Often it is too hard to shake the demons and I’ll sit here for hours in silent contemplation watching the stars streak by, the fear that I cannot show mixing with the sorrow for what I have caused. I go to work in the morning, rings around my eyes hidden under too much makeup, and I know he sees and knows and worries about me, even though it hangs, unspoken between us.

Today has been different; today for some reason the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see my life in a new light. Somehow even the stars seem to have lost the coldness of their crystal light and are shining with a silver warmth.

I think back to what has started this new realisation. Its hard to pinpoint, because it has been there for a long time, I just didn’t see it, I guess. Its been a calm few days, thank goodness. Nothing on long range sensors, no inhabited planets in sight, no damned aliens trying to force their way into our home. Our home, maybe that says it. Its always been our ship, our means of return to our home, but now, suddenly I realise that it is our home. There is an assurance that we will make it back to Earth - I feel it in my bones and it must always be there to drive me but there is also a recognition that this may not be for a long, long time, and I realise that we have all accepted this now and that in itself brings contentment where once it would have brought dread and depression.

We are well-stocked with supplies and have been able to spend the last few days carrying out repairs. The crew have had time for some extra off-duty rotations. Today I decided to visit my ship.....my home....just to reassure myself that we were at peak efficiency. Everywhere I went, I saw them, people happy in their work, dedicated to a cause, but smiling and joking, even with me, warming a small fire in the pit of my belly.

I ate in the messhall tonight and it was then that it struck me, when I saw the meaning of what has happened around me. It is not the big moments that will define this journey for us; the adventures, the battles, the hard times which will be spoken about, taken out and aired over and over when we get home. The things that will become the stuff of legends. No, it is the quiet moments, the small, snatched moments, that have made this home, a place of security and hope despite our trials.

I saw so many of them today. Checking out the warp core adjustments with Carey, I heard the deep mellowness of a clarinet and ducked my head into the Jeffries tube junction, the one with the best acoustics on the ship. There they were, Harry, lost in the depths of his music and Gerron, sitting against the wall opposite, contentedly listening, both of them lost in the moment. They didn’t notice me, but it helped to stoke that fire.

I called into the hydroponics bay to reassure myself that the new filters were working. The crew often use the bench that we installed as a memorial to Kes for a few moments of escape. Tom and B’Elanna were there, totally unaware of my scrutiny as I watched them, reflecting on how this journey had brought such a measure of peace to these volatile young people. They were each absorbed in a PADD, B’Elanna lying with her head on Tom’s knees as he sat back against the bench, one hand holding the PADD, the other unconsciously stroking the soft roundness of her belly. Another life being brought onto Voyager. Where once this would have caused me to panic, I find it yet another confirmation of the crew’s acceptance of Voyager as home. I left them to their quiet moment to check out the two crew members still in sickbay.

I would have thought the Doctor’s calm moments would have come when he was off line, but as the doors swished open, I could see him in his office, feet up on the desk, carrying out some repairs on his instruments, humming softly to himself. It was a picture of total relaxation and contentment and I thought back wryly to the times when we had imagined this frustrating, funny, efficient, compassionate person......yes, person...... to be just a simple holoprogramme to be turned on and off at our whim.

The Delaney twins didn’t even see me as they passed me in the corridor outside the holodeck, obviously off on a date, dressed in identical soft pastel dresses. They were joking with each other, giggling and pushing so that they rebounded softly off the walls, comfortable as only siblings can be with each other.

In the messhall, it happened again; those quiet moments, those moments of absolute focus, when time is suspended and life feels like a good place to be. Seven and Tuvok were totally absorbed in a game of kalto, so alike and yet so different, both of them searching for perfection through logic, both at last satisfied with what life in the Delta Quadrant has dealt them.

Neelix, yes, even our exuberant, impetuous Talaxian had an air of calm relaxation about him tonight. I watched as Samantha and Naomi slid into the seats in the corner and Neelix brought them steaming mugs of hot Delta-chocolate, then Naomi curled comfortably into his lap as he stroked her hair, sharing with her one of his favourite Talaxian childhood tales, She fell comfortably asleep and Sam and Neelix continued to talk softly, old friends enjoying a quiet moment.

And so here I sit, contemplative, feeling at peace, an sensation I have long denied myself. I realise that this is what I want, too and what I can have. They are only small moments, but maybe these are the moments that define our lives, the times when we really can be ourselves.

I summon him on the intercom. There is no question that he will come, just as he always does.

I meet him at the door and take his hands, pulling him to the couch, looking at his face and feeling the wrench in my heart - when did the longing and hope leave his gaze when he looks at me? I know it was me that drove them away just as I now know that it is time for our own quiet moment. I try to tell him, stumbling a little over the words, but suddenly I see that he understands. He always understands me no matter what is happening between us. He holds his arms out to me and suddenly I fit into them and we snuggle into each other content to hold and be held.

We share soft kisses full of promise. This is not the scorching passion which I have dreamed that our first encounter might produce.......oh yes.......I have dreamed it, but this is true contentment. Maybe sometime in the future when this madness and chaos is over there will be a time when all of our quiet moments will come together to provide the rhythm and pace to our lives, but for now we are both content with what we can have, these small moments that will mean everything to us whenever we can snatch them....together.

We fall asleep, curled around each other. I awake slowly, feeling fingers softly running up and down my spine. I look up into his eyes, see the question there and pull his head towards me.

And so it begins........

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