March 2nd
March 3rd I’m back from the biopsy, I have never experienced something so terrible. They gave me a mask filled with albuteril to open my air ways completely, then filled it with lidocaine to numb everything, then gave me visceral to relax me. The doctor put a tube with a scope and light on it down my nose into my vocal cords then into my bronchial passages while the nurse had a suction thing in my mouth along with oxygen going. I felt like I was drowning, I couldn’t breath, gagged and coughed my butt off. It was terrible. They kept giving the visceral to calm me but it really didn’t work. The doctor also told me that this wasn’t a 100% for sure biopsy. He went in like he did and used the CTScan as a guide in hopes of catching some of the suspect tissue and that is a 50-50 chance. So, even if the biopsy comes back negative it doesn’t exactly mean I don’t have cancer it could just mean that he didn’t get the tissue he needed, so why I had to have this done I don’t understand. I am so confused about the whole thing but I do know they are not going to do any treatments on me until they know for sure what I have, even if that means going to Portland University to have someone else do it. I hope to get the results sometime today. For now I am going to rest, mom is up in her recliner and I in mine, we are both pooped so a napping we shall go.
March 4th
March 6th
March 7th
March 10th
March 11th
March 12th
OK first, granny is doing fine although she is starting to hallucinate a lot so we are going to have to see about getting her back on Haldol or something. She has developed a nerves habit of rubbing her hands cause "there is something all over them". Then yesterday Crystal was in the "little girls" room and came out to her at the kitchen sink scrubbing her hands with a brillo pad. She is so bad with this that she has rubbed her hands and arms rough, we put some cotton gloves on her but she keeps taking them off so we will have to think of something else.
Now for mom, she is still the same as yesterday, still hasn’t gotten sick from the chemo. She is really tired and a little confused from all of the stress and being tired. She’s real excited about being done with the chemo tomorrow for three weeks, she said the radiation is no big deal and that it doesn’t bother her much. Well that’s is for now, Mom wanted me to tell all of you that she loves you and that she feels your prayers daily.
March 18th
Denise Cooper
March 19th
March 22nd
March 25th
March 30th
March 31st
I haven’t been able to get into Geocities to update for several days. I went to the chemotherapist yesterday, I didn’t much like him but he did get the biopsy scheduled, tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. here at the hospital. He made me feel as though he was leaning more towards lung cancer than lymphoma, talking about the ‘long haul’ I have in front of me, etc. He also has me scheduled for a Abdominal/Pelvic CTScan Thurs., brain MRI Fri./radiologist appt. later in the day , Bone Scan Mon., return to chemotherapist Tues. I am hoping to get the biopsy results right away, this not knowing for sure what it is, is about to drive me crazy. Mom is doing pretty well although she can sense something is very wrong. I try to hide my feelings from her but I know I have been short with her and rather spacey at times. At times I really have to hide myself, I can’t cry in front of her or she would know something for sure and putting up this front is draining me of what energy I do have. I’ll be glad when there is some resolution to this so I know what my future holds and what plans need to be made. I want to thank all of my friends out there for the lovely cards, email, snail mail, phone calls, they lift my spirits, knowing that people that don’t even know me care so much about me.
I leave in 20 minutes for the biopsy. I have all of your prayers in my heart and know they will see me through this.
I have been sitting just watching mom all day. She is in a total state of oblivion most of the time. She has begun rubbing her hand and arms for hours in order to get rid of the veins that are now showing through, she sees them as a deformity, a mark, a need for washing, she just must rub them away. How I need her now, I need her to tell me that everything will be o.k., that I will be fine but that will not happen now. The time for her being there has past, without any fault of hers.
Well, I found out it isn’t lymphoma. The doctor called last night with the biopsy results, I have Small Cell Lung Cancer. He wants me to start chemo and radiation right away, I imagine it will begin Tuesday since I have the bone scan on Monday. I have to call his office Monday morning and schedule the appointment. I am so scared, this is the cancer the doctor told us to pray I didn’t have. I talked with my boys, their wives and my baby grand-daughters today, we all cried together and held each other. I have finished my will, except to get it signed and notarized which I will do this week too. All I have to leave is the house and my dogs, mom’s POA goes to Robert if I am unable to carry it out so she is taken care of and will remain in the house as long as Robert and Crystal can handle it. I just know I am going to beat this though. I am too tough and God is too good to let this kill me. Besides there are too many people right here that need me and depend on me, I can’t let them down and I can’t let myself down by not fighting my butt off to save my own life. I want to live by God and live I will.
I got to meet a ‘net friend’ today. Clem, a friend from Salem drove up today and spent the afternoon and early evening with me and the family. He played with my grand-daughters, which they loved. He brought me this tickle bunny, when you squeeze its paw it giggles and moves. It is so cute and will definitely brighten some of the lonely days. I felt so good having Clem come up, to think that someone that doesn’t even know me except from the computer cared enough to drive up here, it made me cry when he left because it was so sweet of him. I got several more get well cards Saturday too, thanks you guys, I never feel alone with all you in my corner.
Well, I saw Dr. Kang yesterday, the chemotherapy oncologist, he is starting me on chemo tomorrow, maximum strength. I get it for 6 hours tomorrow, 2 hours Fri. and 2 hours Sat. then a break for three weeks. Dr. Kim the radiology oncologist did a simulation on me today and has been scheduled for radiation beginning Fri. at 9:20 and 3:20, he is going for the max. also, twice a day, five days a week for five weeks. I admit I am scared but looking forward to it beginning. I once saw chemo. as a bad thing but I have come to see it as a great thing, a sort of exorcism of the bad stuff in me and the good stuff getting stronger. I got my hair cut short today, they say I will start loosing it by this weekend anyway, so. We are having a ‘Shave Grandma’s Head’ party Sunday, my grand-daughters are going to use the shears to shave my head for me then connect the dots it there are any. I want them to be involved all the way, knowing what is going on so they won’t be become too afraid of my looks at some point. I would like you to ask you all to please see me as a whole healthy person right now, now getting better but already better, in perfect health right now. I see myself this way but it would sure if I could get some universal vision going on here too, know what I mean. Thanks guys, I will let you know how things go as soon as I am able, I imagine I will be pretty sick for the next few days so it may be next week before I can update. The bone scan went well, nothing to it really just laying there for it to image me and so did the bone marrow biopsy, it hurt just a little but not bad at all, nothing like the biopsy that is for sure.
Well this is Robert, I'm not to sure of how mom does this so I'll just wing it.
Mom is doing OK she isn't being sick or anything yet. They told her that it might take 18-20 hrs.
until she realizes she has a boo-boo. She is really tired and pretty much acting like she's
in the early stages of AD. She also thinks she is Sygorney Weaver you know the
lady from "Aliens" with the big alien in her chest. Anyway she is OK relatively speaking
and goes for more chemo and her first dose of radiation tomorrow. Well sorry it's not the
same as mom's entries but they will have to do and I know the spelling is nothing like hers it's worse.
Well here we go with day two of me doing this for mom. I would like to thank everyone for their support and encouragement. I can do all of the graphic’s and design for website’s but the text is a different story. I will do my best to keep everyone updated with mom and granny.
These past few days have been pretty hard and hectic. I/we are only going to be able to update occasionally, Robert is having PT 6 hours a day now, taking his medication, Crystal is trying to deal with taking care of all of us and the house, David is trying to get a fund raiser put together for me on top of trying to cope with this and work and take care of his family. I can not address any issues related to adding names to the Sharing and Caring List or chats etc., I just don’t have the strength for that right now and Robert isn't familiar with it so. The radiation is making me very tired, a different kind of tired than from lack of sleep, all I want to do is sleep and lay around. They say it will be like this for awhile yet. I am getting my ‘strawberry’ mark on my chest and back from where the radiation is directed, it feels like a sunburn, there is some pain now, it is not too bad, mostly feels like bad indigestion but doesn’t go away with just a burp. I still have my hair, what I didn’t cut off, saved the shaving party for when I really need it, my head gets too cold now. Mom is doing pretty good. She is getting used to Crystal putting her to bed and having more interaction with her. I still sit with her most of the time she is awake but my appearance is beginning to scare her, pale/dark circles, she worries about me so. The doctor has put her on Zoloft to help with the OCD that she is having with her hands, she also goes back to the orthopedist next Friday for a check up on her shoulder. I really want to thank you all for the cards, flowers, teddy bears etc…they are all so wonderful. I have the cards hung all over so I can see them anytime. Mom is impressed with ‘humanity’ as she says it, so am I. I am posting address here so you all don’t have to look it up.. I love getting your cards.
3808 Pacific Way
Longview, WA 98632
360-636-8148
Hurray, the weekend is here and no doctor appointments!!!! We are to have a wonderful weekend too, at least Saturday will be around 73 and I can't wait. I want BBQ burgers, with tomatoes, onions and lettuce and tater salad. Mom is doing ok, she isn't taking the Zolof anymore, she got too wired from it so the doctor said no more. He is going to try her on something else but I can't remember the name right now, a side effect of radiation. My friend Ginger from Texas called me yesterday, it was so nice to talk to her and place a voice with her. I have gotten so many cards from folks it is funny, the mail man is beginning to wonder what is going on. LOL. A couple of friends put up a site for me too, the url are:
Kate Murphy
They made me cry so when I saw them, to think that so many people are pulling for me and caring about me is a hard concept for me to grasp. Many that have been to my site and read all know what my childhood was like so this is something that I never would of imagined and I do truely and honestly love all of you too.
Ms. Winnie Murr of Blackforest, CA thank you for the flowers. They arrived today in great health and beautiful fragrance, making my week start off wonderfully. The doctor put mom on the different medication today, remember the one I couldn’t name the other day…LOL…It is Ativan, the same thing my doctor has me on…LOL. It seems to be working well with mom, she is very relaxed, not concerned about her hand/arm at all now, general good spirits as well. We may have hit on something this time that will work for all of us. I know it helps me, it takes away the blues, anxiety, relaxes me and helps me to sleep at night. Today starts my radiation again, but at least I had a great weekend off from it. The weather was too beautiful, I spent every moment outside working and loving it, I have a GOOD kind of tired going on right now. I may be getting used to the radiation, it doesn’t seem to be making me so tired, perhaps it is just from the few days off too though. I have gained some weight back, the doctor was happy since I start chemo next week, I sure hope and pray I will cruise through it easily this time. My first Easter without baskets, egg-hunts, or even colored eggs, wonder what the family will do for dinner this year? Maybe they’ll get lucky and go out. We found out Friday that Crystal needs surgery on her gall bladder, this is being scheduled a.s.a.p. since I start my chemo soon. One of us has to be in good health, Robert will have to go do his PT everyday no matter what so..
Robert has announced that this will be my last time online for this month. He wants to do something with my site and I can’t see it!
Well, it’s been a rough couple of days Granny fell the other night again. She doesn’t seem to have any major injuries other then being sore. She still has her hand fetish despite her new meds. other then that she is doing just fine and there isn’t any change in her daily living.
I know this is supposed to be a site about AD, but everyone that has been coming here from the get go understands that this site has become mostly an update section on mom (Denise). So on to the mom update.
She is doing OK, yesterday her hair started falling out by the handfuls so, Jaide, Kali Crystal and I shaved her head bald. She doesn’t look bad it will take some getting used to. Then today mom found out that she is unable to get DSHS to get some of medical bills paid because she is "employed" by taking care of Granny. So she is very upset because she is so afraid that if she is unable to get some kind of money paid they will quit giving her, her treatments and if that happens well…….
So needless to say that is one less stress that we need to try and get rid of. David has set up a trust fund for her through his work and started to get some donations but so far they have been very little except one. Well, I think I have rambled enough so I’ll say good night and keep praying for my mom please and read Our Plea.
I am sorry I have not been in touch more, I have been kind of sick so I’m spending a lot of time resting. I go for chemo tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. I sure hope it goes as easy as the other time. Dr. Kim, my radiologist changed my radiation location yesterday, now they are sending it in through my sides instead of through my chest and back. He says they can get to more of the cancer this way and can only do it the other way for 3 weeks because it hits my spinal cord. Also, Dr. Kang, the chemo doctor said I would get chemo every three weeks for a series of 6 times so I’ll have four left after this.
My head is definitely bald now, even the stubble has fallen out. LOL.. I don’t mind it too much except that it is sooooooooooooooooo cold. I have gained 7 pounds which is good, my appetite hasn’t improved much but I am eating as much as I can, especially fattening foods. My throat is very sore from the radiation so it is mostly smooth stuff, makes me feel like I did when I got my tonsils out. LOL.
My mom is doing pretty good. She has fallen a few times since the change in her medication, she hasn’t been hurt or broken anything thank GOD. I think the medication is too strong for her so I am cutting them in half for awhile to see. Her orthopedist thinks she has carpal tunnel in her left wrist, so she is getting tested for this next week, if it is then she will have the surgery done.
I want to thank all of you for all the goodies that you have sent me. I’m glad the doctor put me on anti-depressants or I’d be crying all the time. You all mean so much to me.
I had chemo today, after waiting for several hours to see if I could or not. My white cell count was down pretty low so the nurses had to take more blood and wait for orders from the doctor. I didn’t get out the hospital until 6:30 p.m. boy am I pooped. I feel pretty well though. I didn’t get radiation today because of being at the hospital all day but will tomorrow, seems it is getting to me more than the chemo. I have radiation at 9:20, chemo 9:45, radiation 3:20 and mom’s appointment.
I am taking my mom to the doctor tomorrow also, I think she did hurt her right hip when she fell. She hasn’t been on it much but when she does she says it hurts very much and the doctor did say that if anything she could dislocate this one easily so perhaps that is what she has done. She is looking so old now days, I know that 83 is no spring chicken but mom never really looked her age that much to me until now.