These are jokes about men and women. Some might be offensive, but all are funny!
|Adam and Eve||How Big Are Your Pants?|
|Seminars For Men||15 Things To Never Say To A Man|
|Seminars For Women||15 Things To Never Say To A Woman|
|The Difference Between Men and Women||Equality For All!!!|
|The Rules||If Men Got Pregnant...|
|Chemical Analysis of Women||Girlfriend 3.1|
|Men vs. Dogs||Top 20 Reasons Why Chocloate Is Better Than Sex|
|The Price is Right?||Is It Better To Be A Man Or A Woman?|
A man who went to Church with his wife fell always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th..." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God Allmighty!"
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath. and later began to doze off again when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins..." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ!" The Minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to "... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break it off!"
|COURSE 001||Combating Stupidity|
|COURSE 002||You Too Can Do Housework|
|COURSE 003||PMS: Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut|
|COURSE 004||How To Fill An Ice Tray|
|COURSE 005||We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas|
|COURSE 006||Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silks)|
|COURSE 007||Understanding Female Responses To Coming Home At 4:00 A.M.|
|COURSE 008||Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception|
|COURSE 009||Get A Life: Learn to Cook|
|COURSE 010||How NOT To Act Like A Jerk When You Are Wrong|
|COURSE 011||Understanding Your Incompetence|
|COURSE 012||YOU The Weaker Sex|
|COURSE 013||Reasons To Give Flowers|
|COURSE 014||How To Stay Awake After Sex|
|COURSE 015||SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try|
|COURSE 016||SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If IT'S Awake, Take A Shower|
|COURSE 017||How To Put The Toilet Seat Down|
|COURSE 018||The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency|
|COURSE 019||How NOT To Act Younger Than Your Children|
|COURSE 020||You Too Can Be A Designated Driver|
|COURSE 021||Honest: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially Naked|
|COURSE 022||The Obtainable Goal: Omitting "#@$%^&*" From Your Vocabulary|
|COURSE 023||Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is NOT Necessary|
|COURSE 024||Real Men Ask For Directions|
PLEASE REGISTER IMMEDIATELY AS COURSES ARE IN GREAT DEMAND. CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 10 (TEN) AS THE COURSE MATERIAL MAY PROVE DIFFICULT.
In Response to the Seminars For Men, We are pleased to announce the Seminars For Women. Please apply ASAP as seating is limited and is offered on a first come, first serve basis.
|COURSE 101||"Are You Ready to Leave?": Definition of the word "YES"|
|COURSE 102||Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")|
|COURSE 103||Elementary Map Reading|
|COURSE 104||Crying and Law Enforcement|
|COURSE 105||Advanced Math Seminar: Program Your VCR|
|COURSE 106||You Can Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours|
|COURSE 107||Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast|
|COURSE 108||The Seven-Outfit Week|
|COURSE 109||PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty - Deal With It)|
|COURSE 110||Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission|
|COURSE 111||Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights|
|COURSE 112||Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed|
|COURSE 113||Driving IV: Makeup and Driving - It's As Simple As Oil and Water|
|COURSE 114||The Super Bowl: Not a Game - A Sacrament|
|COURSE 115||Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love You")|
|COURSE 116||How to Earn Your Own Money|
|COURSE 117||Giftgiving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)|
|COURSE 118||Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side|
|COURSE 119||Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup|
|COURSE 120||Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry|
|COURSE 121||We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP|
|COURSE 122||MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments|
|COURSE 123||Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE Learned To Deal With The Embarrassment)|
|COURSE 124||Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels|
|COURSE 125||What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy|
|COURSE 126||The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours|
|COURSE 127||His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out|
|COURSE 128||Committment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)|
|COURSE 129||"To Honor and Obey:" Remembering The Small Print Above "I Do"|
|COURSE 130||Why Your Mother is Unwelcome in the House|
Classes are limited to 10, so please sign up early!
MEN & WOMEN - THEY DO ACT/THINK DIFFERENT
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and Women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a "relationship" - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "The Ceremony". Men talk about "The Bachelor Party".
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great
time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, infact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.Crew or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position infavor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only adds to our discomfort.
Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic single state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Men only have two feet to track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Holiday Inns accept men.
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Errr, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.
A young couple who were just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was big, burly, and a bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said... "Here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it! I am the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said "try these on." He tried them on and found that he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
1. You're just like your father!
2. You're just like my ex-boyfriend!
3. Is all that hair in the shower drain yours?!?
4. I can't wait til I get married so I can stop worrying about sex.
5. I can't wait til I get married so I can stop worrying about money.
6. What are you thinking?
7. You just relax, sweetie, and let me take care of everything.
8. I'll just relax and let you take care of everything.
9. You're not listening to me!!!
10. All of my friends think you're wrong.
11. All of my friends think you're wrong for me.
12. Is that how you're going to change the oil?!?
13. Is that how you're going to feed the baby?!?
14. Is this as fast as your car can go?
15. I dare you.
1. You're just like your mother!
2. But my last girlfriend liked doing it!
3. Can't we talk about it after having sex?!?
4. Do the dishes? But I took out the garbage!
5. I'm just not very good at cleaning the toliets.
6. Tell her I'm not here.
7. How do I feel? How do you think I feel!
8. I don't feel like talking about it.
9. My mom says you're wrong.
10. Is that what you're wearing?!?
11. I said you looked older and hipper than Winona Ryder- I didn't say you looked worse.
12. I think it would be good for you to date other people.
13. I think women shoudl be equal, but...
14. Yes, but it didn't mean anything!
15. So, was I the best you ever had?!?
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father. Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea and decided to give it a try.
The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine.
Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain transfer to fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to give him *all* the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up, stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Maternity leave would last for two years... with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.
Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins are quite so cute.
Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm.
Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.
They would have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They would stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger; it has taken all his space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-Law and Brother-In-Law.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0 ...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:1. You can GET chocolate.
Just for the record, I only condone safe-chocolate! :)
|I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
|I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
|I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
|And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
|Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see|
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
.....And the male rebuttal
|I'm glad I'm a man, you better
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
|I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
|I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
|And I honestly think its a privilege for me|
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
|Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see|
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!