The turbolift seemed to take forever to reach the Bridge. It was already two hours into Beta shift. Two hours since he'd risen from his chair, expecting her to follow. Instead she'd headed for her ready room, saying there were a few things she wanted to see to. Of course a 'few things' for her could mean anything from taking a few minutes to sign off on a couple of reports, to pulling an all nighter to catch up on crew evaluations, or even to pour over some interesting readings collected from a nebula they were passing. She'd been known to do that often enough.

But this evening he suspected she was catching up on the admittedly small amount of work she'd missed during her brief sojourn as a hostage. She was so stubborn about that sort of thing. It had probably never even occurred to her that it could wait till tomorrow.

So, he guessed it was up to him to go in there and talk her into going off duty. Again. But at least tonight he had something more substantial to persuade her with than the usual thinly veiled threats to inform the Doctor she'd been overworking herself again.

The lift came to a barely discernible halt. He stepped out onto the bridge as soon as the doors opened and made his way down to the command level.

"She still in there?" he asked Ayala, gesturing to the ready room. It was an unnecessary question. He knew she was.

Ayala, who was currently in command, grinned as he nodded. "Yes sir."

Chakotay merely sighed as he continued down the steps to the ready room door, ignoring the knowing looks that were now being exchanged around the bridge by the beta shift crew. He keyed the door chime, and waited.

Captain Janeway sighed as she returned to her desk with a fresh cup of coffee. It was practically the only thing the planet of Lefrek had lacked. She'd sorely missed her usual caffeine boost - especially when she'd woken up this morning with a splitting headache as a reminder of the previous night's activities.

She couldn't help but smile as she thought of herself and Enna, sprawled on the couch, drunk as a couple of first-year cadets. She was quite sure that that would be one of the more memorable shoreleaves she'd ever been on - albeit a forced one. And it had no doubt been good for her to spend some time completely away from the ship, the crew, and the rigours of command.

She took a sip of the steaming, dark liquid and sighed. It was good to be back, though. Despite Chakotay's capability, she would never willingly shirk her responsibility as Captain. She turned to her desk computer and called up the report on her abduction. Alpha shift had been over for two hours, but she wanted to catch up on everything she'd missed in the short time she was away. That way she could start afresh tomorrow morning. That included completing her logs and the separate, detailed account of the entire Lefrekian incident required by protocol. It was almost complete, and she automatically added the finishing touches - a reference to Chakotay's account, the Doctor's report, Tuvok's stoic complaint that Chakotay shouldn't have left the ship during the crisis, and so on.

As she worked though, her thoughts couldn't help but return to the topic that had been floating around her mind all day. She wondered at having discussed Chakotay with Enna, because despite being intoxicated, she could have denied any interest on her part. She suspected that it might have been a result of a subconscious need to talk about it with someone, and getting drunk had just been a convenient excuse to do so. It made sense. After all, the only people on Voyager she felt comfortable discussing personal things with were Chakotay and Tuvok - neither of whom were viable options when it came to this particular subject, for obvious reasons.

And it had felt good to talk about it with someone. She'd been keeping it all to herself for so long. And Enna had been neutral, unbiased, and unaffected by her rank - that was something she simply didn't have on Voyager. Not that she'd done that much talking. Enna had basically told her she was being ridiculous about the situation. "You shouldn't deny yourself happiness. Especially not when it would be such an easy thing to have." The words came back to her from the night before.

So now it was all out in the open. What was she going to do about Chakotay? She'd admitted to herself, now, that she wanted more than what was currently between them. She recalled the drunken conversation of the night before, when she'd spoken words that she hadn't even realised were true until she heard herself saying them.

She wished things could be different for her and Chakotay. She wished it really could be a simple matter of acting on the feelings she'd been harbouring since long before New Earth. And though she remembered thinking, just before going to sleep the previous night, that perhaps she could find a way to be happy... Now she just wasn't sure.

As she focused again on the task at hand, she came to the same conclusion she had the night before. She would have to wait and see what happened. Chakotay seemed ready to take the next step in their relationship, if his invitation a few days ago was anything to judge by, so perhaps she would see how he wanted to progress. She knew that allowing them to become closer wouldn't be a bad thing, and she could always stop him if he was moving too fast, or things didn't seem to be working out.

Her report was almost complete now. She remembered how tedious reports like this had seemed when she'd first entered the command track. Now they were a second nature to her, and it wasn't long before she was closing the report and filing it away. Feeling slightly more confident about her relationship with Chakotay, she was about to make an entry in her Captain's log, when the sound of her door chiming interrupted her.

She hesitated before calling for him to enter. She knew who it was. If there was a problem that required her attention, she would have been contacted via the comm system. Similarly, any reports would be directed to the current bridge staff, not to her. So of course, it was Chakotay standing outside her Ready Room door. Most likely all set to come and cajole her into leaving her work for the evening.

She sighed. "Come in."

"Captain," he greeted her, his expression all too innocent.

"Commander, what can I do for you?"

"Captain, alpha shift ended two hours ago..."

"Yes, I'm aware of that, Chakotay," she replied, trying to ignore the fact that she'd just decided to pursue a relationship with him... maybe... perhaps... if everything worked out... "But I have some work I need to finish."

"Didn't the Doctor mention anything about taking it easy?" he asked pointedly.

"The Doctor gave me a clean bill of health, Chakotay. I'm fine." It was true, he had cleared her for full duty, despite raising his eyebrows at the traces of alcohol left in her system.

He had to give her that. After all, she'd been on the bridge with him towards the end of alpha shift and hadn't shown any signs that she'd been affected by her abduction. He tried a different tactic. And he smiled. Smiling always helped.

"I'm sorry. I know you think I'm being over-protective, but I've been worrying about you lately. You've been working so hard. When we got to Lefrek I thought you'd have some time to relax and go on shoreleave - but you never got the opportunity. You know you're the only crewmember who didn't have any real shoreleave? Even the Doctor spent an afternoon down on the planet."

She couldn't help but smile back. Sometimes Chakotay's mothering was plain irritating, but at that moment it was just one of the wonderful ways he showed he cared. She was about to reassure him, tell him again that she was fine, but he continued speaking.

"That's why I invited you to see the Falls of Joraal the other day. I think I wanted to see for myself that you actually had a chance to relax for a while."

The implications of what he'd just said hit her like a tonne of bricks (or the 24th century equivalent). She was filled with dismay at his words, though she tried not to show it. Had he really only invited her to go on shoreleave with him out of concern for her well being? She'd been so sure of his interest... What if she was wrong? He did care for her. She knew that. But perhaps his feelings for her were purely platonic. And that flash of disappointment in his eyes when she told him she couldn't go... It could very well have just been because she wouldn't be getting the downtime he obviously thought she needed. That was nothing that a first officer wouldn't normally do for his Captain and friend.

A year ago she'd been so sure of his feelings. After New Earth, their relationship just seemed to strengthen with time. But back then she hadn't been ready to go beyond friendship, and he'd seemed content to wait. And then after the Borg... That ordeal had affected them both deeply, and it had taken time to regain the closeness they'd shared. But now, everything seemed confused, reversed even. How ironic that now, when she'd finally made up her mind to do something about her feelings for Chakotay... now she didn't know whether he still wanted the same thing. It was incredibly egotistical of her to think that he would jump at the chance to be with her. That his feelings would remain strong until she was ready to accept them.

But perhaps it was for the best.

If Chakotay had indeed moved past his feelings for her... Yes. Perhaps it was for the best. They could still be friends - could still retain their excellent working relationship. Less risk to Voyager that way, that was certain. No compromise to her sense of command. And if she had to repress her newly-acknowledged emotions... Well she'd done it before - for a long time - and she could do it again. If that's all true, then why am I trying so hard not to cry?

The thoughts flew through her mind in a few seconds. He was looking at her, waiting for her to reply. What had he been saying? She forced her lips out of the thin line they were compressed into and placed her hands carefully on the edge of her desk.

"Thankyou for your concern, Chakotay," she said, her voice sounding alien to her own ears, "I promise to take some time for myself now that we're on our way again."

She didn't look at him as she spoke, staring instead at her hands braced against the desk top. Chakotay studied her face, sensing something wasn't right, but not knowing what it was. He decided to continue with his plan nonetheless.

"How would you feel about starting right now? I have some time reserved on the holodeck this evening, and there's something I want to show you."

She looked at him then, seeing the eagerness in his eyes. But now it seemed to her the look of a man wanting to spend time with a friend, where before she would have read suppressed love and desire in his gaze. A feeling of emptiness began to well up inside her. She pushed it back down. She'd been through more pain than this. Far more. And she wouldn't miss something she'd never really had to start with. Besides, if she couldn't have him the way she wanted to, then at least she could have his friendship - that in itself was far too precious to give up. She managed a half-smile, not realising just how wistfully sad her expression was at that moment to the man sitting opposite her.

"That sounds lovely. I was just about to do a log entry. Do you mind waiting?"

"Not at all," he replied, wondering why she looked sad, even as he exulted over her agreeing to go to the holodeck with him.

She reached over and entered a command into her desk console.

"Captain's Log, Stardate..."

They stepped onto the turbolift, and she called out "Captain's quarters" before he had a chance to speak.

"Do you mind if I change out of my uniform?" she asked, not looking at him.

She didn't say another word until they reached her quarters. She offered him a seat, and a drink while he waited, then disappeared into her bedroom, remerging only minutes later.

"I'm ready," she announced, walking out the door without waiting to see that he followed.

They rode the turbolift and walked the corridors in virtual silence. Chakotay watched her out of the corner of his eyes. She'd acted so strangely in her Ready Room. And why was she being so quiet now? She hadn't even reacted to the smiles and suppressed laughter from the Bridge crew as they moved to the lift. Chakotay himself had barely restrained from cringing - though he'd been oblivious to it at the time, he realised now that his feelings must have been written all over his face the whole time she was being held hostage. But she didn't seem to notice the looks and giggles, which wasn't like her at all.

She was probably exhausted - perhaps the incident on Lefrek had taken more out of her than she'd thought, and it was just now catching up on her. He stole another look at her. Yes, she must be tired. As much as he'd been looking forward to sharing this with her, it wasn't so important that it couldn't wait till tomorrow evening. At that moment they reached the doors to holodeck one and he turned towards her to speak.

"Kathryn, are you feeling alright? You look tired. This can wait till another time if you don't feel up to it," he said, concern for her showing in his eyes.

She cursed herself inwardly. He was always worrying about her, when he shouldn't have to. It wasn't his fault if he didn't want her as much as she did him. Smiling unaffectedly at him, though it took all her willpower to do so, she reassured him.

"No, Chakotay, I'm fine. You really should stop worrying about me - there's no need for it."

He seemed to accept it, turning to request a program from the computer.

Janeway cursed herself inwardly, her thoughts in a turmoil. She would have to do a better job of hiding her disappointment in the future. It would never do for him to realise the feelings she was now harbouring to herself. What was that old saying? You don't appreciate what you've got until it's gone? That seemed to fit this situation quite well. This is ridiculous, she told herself harshly. If it wasn't so depressing she might be laughing right now at the tragic irony of it all.

But he suspected something was wrong. It was just fortunate he thought she was tired. Convenient, though it couldn't be further than the truth. She was feeling distinctly alert - almost to the point of physical agitation. She wasn't too concerned that he might realise it was something else. She knew she could control her emotions. She was a Starfleet Captain. Self control was second nature to her. She would spend this evening with him, restabilising him as a friend in her mind. She would spend the night tossing and turning. And in the morning, everything would be back to normal.

The holodeck doors whooshed open before her. She stepped in at his side, taking in the lush green surroundings. This was a new program - or at least one she'd never seen before. It was a forest, maybe a rainforest, judging from the tropical nature of the vegetation. And there was the distinct sound of flowing water somewhere nearby. She turned to him to ask where they were.

"The Falls of Joraal," he announced before she had a chance to speak, "Since you never got to go there, I thought I'd bring them here instead."

She stared at him, breathing in and out carefully a few times before managing, "When... When did you do this?"

He grinned, apparently pleased with her discomposure. "The other day, while you were busy being taken hostage. I was, you remember, on shoreleave all by myself. I thought since you couldn't be with me then, I could at least make a holorecording of it so we could come here together on Voyager."

Hope. A tiny, shining sliver of hope. Maybe she was wrong. He really wanted to see the Falls with her. And he'd gone to a lot of trouble to do this - this wasn't just a few cursory sweeps with the holorecorder. This kind of detail would have taken hours, especially if he'd gone over the whole area. Maybe he still loved her!

But wait. She shouldn't get her hopes up. She might have been wrong, but she might not have. He was still smiling at her, and that look in his eyes... Was that the same adoring look he used to give her? The one she first saw on New Earth? She smiled back at him involuntarily, pretending to be looking at the scenery to buy some time to think.

"Thank you, Chakotay," she said softly, "This was such a thoughtful idea. It looks wonderful."

It was so clear now. She remembered asking herself - seemingly such a long time ago, but what was really only yesterday - whether she wanted to further her relationship with Chakotay. The answer came easily now. A resounding yes.

She felt the urge to cry again. She wanted to throw her arms around him. She really wanted to kiss him. But she didn't do anything of the sort. Because despite what she wanted, and despite this new hope, it could be all misguided. She would still have to wait and see. There was no way in hell she was going to tell him, or show him how she felt. He would only feel bad for her, and knowing him, extremely guilty as well, if he truly had moved on.

So no, she didn't leap into his arms. Instead, she turned back from her pretend study of the program, and spoke with a calm, level voice.

"So which way do we go? All I can see are trees. Where are these famous 'Falls of Joraal?'"

It was only a short walk to the first waterfall, a small path winding its way through the dense trees and ferns. Chakotay watched her gazing in apparent wonder at the surrounding rainforest as they walked. She'd smiled at him before. The first real smile since he'd first entered her Ready Room. He was glad she liked the program. All he really wanted was to spend some time with her. Alone. That was why he'd asked her to go in the first place - though that wasn't the reason he'd given her, of course.

He thought of the drunken conversation he'd had with the Lefrekian bartender, and the decision he'd come to because of it. His resolve to make sure she knew what he wanted had only been heightened by her abduction. His fear for her safety had almost been crippling in its intensity, as was the relief that followed her return to Voyager. This program was going to be the first step in his plan to gradually let her know how he felt. Hopefully, if he went slowly enough, and didn't push her, she might begin to let him in.

As for what was bothering her this evening... He suspected it wasn't just fatigue. It occurred to him that it was most likely concern about being here with him like this. She was probably unsure of his intentions. After all, most of the time they'd been spending together over the past few months since receiving the letters from earth had been on a more casual level. Meals in the mess hall, or while they were working in her Ready Room. When they did go to the holodeck together, it was almost always with a group - at the Resort, or skiing, or playing pool at Sandrines... So it made sense for her to wonder about this new arrangement.

He just had to make sure she knew he was content to be her friend at the moment. The very worst thing he could do right now would be to blurt out how he felt, or grab her and kiss her (which was what he really wanted to do). So he would just have to wait for her to give some sign that she was ready.

He was brought out of his thoughts abruptly as she halted a few steps ahead of him. They had emerged from the trees, and the first waterfall was directly in front of him. He'd been so caught up in thoughts of her that he hadn't noticed the sound of the rushing water getting louder and louder as they drew near.

The waterfall was of a moderate size, being ten or so metres high. But it was very picturesque, the water tumbling from rock to rock, churning the dark surface of the pool below. She turned to smile at him.

"You said there's a whole series of falls? Are they all like this one?" she asked, stepping off the path to go nearer the water.

"Most are smaller, but some are this size or bigger," he replied, moving off along the path ahead of her as it ran alongside the pool. "Come on," he called over his shoulder, "There's a lot more to see."

She moved to catch up to him, sounding more like herself as she chatted away about their surroundings. As she commented on the nature of the vegetation, and various other aspects of the rainforest environment, he couldn't help but smile to himself. Her natural curiosity was one of her most endearing qualities.

"It could be a volcanic source. It would have to be a massive catchment area otherwise," she was saying as they reached the top of another waterfall.

This one was only about two metres high, though the stream here was wide and deep, falling hard into the pool below. There were a number of wide stepping stones leading across the edge, the rapidly flowing water weaving it's way around them to cascade in heavy sheets over the brink.

Janeway stepped confidently out onto the stones, Chakotay following directly behind. She hopped to the second, and the third, stopping in the middle to watch as a brightly coloured bird flew overhead. She turned to Chakotay next to her.

"Did you record the wildlife as well?" she asked in surprise.

"Just what I saw," he replied, watching as well as the bird disappeared into a nearby tree.

He lost sight of it then, but she had followed it's movements, and was still watching, enraptured.

"It's up there," she said, stretching out her hand to point.

He still couldn't see it, though. The rock she was standing on was large and flat, so he stepped over onto it to follow her line of vision. Not the smartest thing her ever did, he decided, as his weight caused the stone to tilt wildly, pushing them off balance. They instinctively clutched each others arms to steady themselves, but it was no use. The next thing they knew, they were in the water.

The two metre drop was not far to fall, and the pool below was large enough that the holodeck safeties weren't triggered to break their fall. Both came sputtering to the surface, more shocked than anything by the sudden chill of the water. Chakotay swung round, immediately searching for her, and saw her head emerge a few feet away, coughing and pushing wet hair from her eyes. He stroked over to her, finding the water there shallow enough for him to get his feet under him.

"Are you alright?" he asked, his hand moving to her shoulder to steady her.

She let out a huff and glared at him in annoyance. "Yes, no thanks to you, Commander."

He grinned sheepishly. "I'm sorry. How was I to know that rock was unsteady?"

"I'm too wet to care at the moment," she said dryly, then sighed and began to laugh.

He joined her, unable to help himself. He loved to watch her laugh - her eyes lit up and her smile made his heart stop. He wondered if she had any idea how beautiful she was just then, with her wet hair glistening and falling about her face, and water caught in her lashes like teardrops. He didn't realise he had stopped laughing to stare at her until he realised she too had stilled.

It was intense, this moment of silence that fell between them. He hadn't meant to be caught looking at her like that - he was certain every thought and feeling he'd ever had about her was written in that look. But she held his gaze, not looking away or breaking the moment. And somehow they'd drifted closer together in the water, and now her hand was holding his arm, anchoring them together in the swirling currents. She was so beautiful. He couldn't help himself. There was no real decision to be made, it just happened. He kissed her.

It was intense, this moment of silence that fell between them. Her laughter died on her lips as she realised he was watching her, his expression unreadable. She couldn't help but stare back, knowing as she did that her feelings for him must be plain on her face, and on the edge of coherent thought she wondered what he would do when he read her love for him in her eyes. Somehow she had drifted into his arms until their faces were close together. The currents of the water flowed around them, driven by the pounding of the waterfall behind them. She found herself clutching his arm, holding herself near to him. And as he held her gaze, she drew nearer still. She couldn't help herself. There was no real decision to be made, it just happened. She kissed him.

And for a few seconds, the cold of the water vanished, replaced by the warmth of each other's lips. But abruptly they both pulled away, shocked at what had just occurred.

Her hand flew to her mouth, horrified at herself. What had she been telling herself for the past hour since he'd come to her in her Ready Room? She wasn't going to let him know how she felt. What if he didn't feel the same way? She might have ruined everything. Why had she let her emotions run rampant like that? Why did she have to go and kiss him at her first opportunity? Is that what you call control? She cursed herself silently, turning away from him to collect her thoughts.

He couldn't believe what he'd just done. How could he have done something so stupid? All his resolve to take things slowly had been for nothing. All his plans to let her come to him were ruined. What was wrong with him? One look at her standing near him, chest deep in water, and he just had to grab her and kiss her?! He cursed himself as he watched her turn from him. She would probably never trust him again, shutting herself off from him. He might lose everything over one moment's loss of control.

Feeling unable to look at each other, they both started to move towards the edge of the pool by an unspoken agreement. When they'd clambered out, they still hadn't spoken, but Chakotay, desperate to try and fix things, found the courage to do so.

"I'm sorry," he said softly, hoping she would forgive him.

She turned back to him. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

He hardly heard her, not realising that she wasn't listening either. "I had no right to do that."

"I wasn't thinking. Well, I was thinking, but not about your feelings. I shouldn't have put you in this position."

"I'd never push you into anything, Kathryn. I just wasn't thinking."

"It will never happen again."

"It won't happen again.

They both stopped at that, each of them frowning in confusion as they ran back over what the other had been saying.

"Wait a minute -"

"What did you mean 'you shouldn't have kissed me like that'?" Chakotay broke in.

"I meant exactly what I said. I am sorry, because I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

"You didn't kiss me, I practically grabbed you. I'm the one who should apologise."

It hit them both at the same time.

"Are you saying you wanted to...?" he asked, slightly bewildered by what was happening.

She sputtered a bit before answering, suddenly unsure of every single thing that had happened this evening, and wondering whether she mightn't be going slightly crazy. "Ah - I'm not sure anymore. I mean, yes... I think I did. No, I know I wanted to. But I thought you didn't... I mean -"

He'd wanted a sign, wanted her to come to the decision on her own. Apparently she had, one phrase from the jumble of words blaring louder than the rest. No, I know I wanted to... And in any case, going slowly wasn't an option anymore. So he halted her disjointed speech.

"I love you," he blurted out, and kissed her.

Everything was made clear to her with that kiss. He did love her. He did want her.I've been so stupid, she thought, even as she put her arms around his neck to hold him closer.

Chakotay slid his hands from her shoulders to cup the back of her head. At the feel of his hands in her hair, she shivered involuntarily. Chakotay felt her shiver and became aware they were both soaking wet, a fact they'd somehow failed to notice before. He broke the kiss.

"Are you cold?" he asked.

The hint of a smile appeared on her lips. "No," she whispered, pulling his head down to hers again.

This time the kiss continued unabated, neither having any intention of ever stopping.

the end

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