I honestly hadn't planned on writing this story. It quite simply flowed from my brain, demanding to be written, and it just wouldn't let me pay attention to anything else until it was done. So, quite grudgingly, I assure you, I wrote the silly thing. Then I added stuff, and fixed stuff, and went through the whole editing process for a while. And, in the end, I'm kind of happy with it. :)

As for when this thing is set - I don't know. Just whack it in somewhere after 'Unforgetable'.

Disclaimer: The Star Trek universe and all therein belongs to Paramount, not me. No infringement of Copyright is intended.

She didn't blame him. How could she, when in truth the blame rested solely on her own head? She watched him from across the crowded room. He was smiling. He appeared to be having a good time, though it was hard to tell from so far away. He didn't look at all miserable, though she hadn't really expected it. She sighed, and tried to focus on what Neelix and the Doctor were saying.

"- gestation period is only four months. The rate of pre-natal development is astounding, not to mention-"

It was no use. Though it may have appeared that she was participating in the conversation, in actual fact she was only pretending to listen, and making the appropriate noises at the appropriate times. She was really watching him, of course. Even in a room as crowded as this one was, he was all she could see.

She didn't blame him. It wasn't his fault that he'd fallen in love with her. It wasn't his fault that the strictures of the almighty Federation, and of her own pious ideals, wouldn't allow her to love him back. Not in the way he deserved to be loved. And it wasn't his fault that she chose to drive him away rather than make a half-hocked attempt at a relationship that would probably just end in unhappiness anyway. There was no way to tell if they could make things work, or what would happen if they couldn't. It was too risky, and there was too much at stake. There was no other choice when she looked at it like that.

He knew it as well, or at least appeared to. But he was just so damned stubborn about the whole thing. Never really giving up hope that maybe she'd come round. But she thought he must have moments of... she wasn't sure what to call it. Clarity? Weakness? At any rate, there were times when he must look for alternatives. Those times were easy to pinpoint. They always involved... someone else. This looked to be one of those times.

Her name was Lira. It had been obvious since arriving amongst these people that she was quite taken with Voyager's tall, dark, First Officer. He didn't seem to mind the attention, either. Busy as Janeway had been with all the meetings and negotiations, she would have had to be blind to miss it. And she really didn't blame him... not exactly, anyway. He was, after all, only human. If he couldn't find happiness with her, then why shouldn't he look for it elsewhere?

Of course, she couldn't help but feel betrayed. Lonely too, though the loneliness was always there. She told herself she should be glad he was attempting to get over her, but at the same time she felt deeply resentful that he wasn't suffering like she was. Why did she have to be the only one alone? Why couldn't he experience that same sense of isolation?

Why? The answer was simple. It comes with the uniform. It comes with the ready room, the four miserable pips you have to squint to count, and the God damned red and black uniform.

"Captain... ?"

She suddenly became aware of Neelix and the Doctor looking at her with concern. She must have let her act waver.

"I'm sorry, I was just distracted for a moment. Will you excuse me? I think I'll go get another drink."

With that she walked away, leaving them to talk about how much stress she was under, no doubt. She really hated functions like this. No matter how casual the hosts tried to make it, she was still on display as Captain-Janeway-of-the-Federation-Starship-Voyager. And if she even let her guard down for a second, someone would pick up on it.

She reached the long buffet table and surveyed the beverages on offer. She half-hoped she'd choose something intoxicating by accident - at least then she could blame any un-captain-like behaviour on having had too much to drink. She looked up and searched the room for him again as she raised the glass to her lips. There he was. Lira was holding his arm now, and pulling him towards a set of doors that led out onto the balconies. The government buildings were situated on top of a hill overlooking the planet's capital city. The balconies, she knew, afforded a dramatic view, especially at night with the city lights spread out for miles around.

It would be incredibly romantic.

She wondered whether he'd be the one to kiss her, or if she'd have to make the first move. It didn't matter much, of course, except that it was slightly easier to accept if she thought of him giving in to temptation rather than pursuing it himself.

She wondered if they'd go back to her dwelling to make love, or if they'd simply find some adequately secluded place around the government complex. The gardens perhaps. She'd been taken on a tour that afternoon, and the surrounding grounds were quite elaborate, with many a hidden corner where a couple might find some privacy.

She wondered if he'd think of her at all. Would he picture her face at the moment of climax? Would he hold Lira afterwards and wish it was her instead? It was self-indulgent, she knew, to think in those terms. Egotistical, for her to imagine that despite his efforts he wouldn't be able to get past thoughts of her. But in the end it didn't matter. It didn't matter whether he thought of her, because in reality he was with Lira. That was what mattered.

She sighed, and wondered how many other members of the crew would lose themselves in an alien embrace that night. She doubted it would be as many as those who'd already found bedfellows on Voyager - she was well aware that a large percentage of the crew had paired off. Such a small number of people, really, and so many of them seeking comfort in each other's arms.

God, she was depressed. And so very tired of being Captain. Thankfully it was late enough for her to leave without raising any eyebrows. Looking around, her gaze fell on Ambassador Grelk and she made her way over to his side.

Fifteen minutes later she was back in her quarters, naked but for the cool silk robe hanging about her slender frame. She stood facing the large windows - something else that came with being Captain. But at that moment she couldn't see that having a spectacular view of the planet below was such a great advantage of rank. She looked down on the spinning ball of rock beneath her and all she could think was that he was down there somewhere. With her.

She was mistaken in that thought, however, as she discovered when the door to her quarters suddenly opened behind her. She spun round, hurriedly pulling her robe closed and tying it. She hadn't even bothered doing it up before, but now she couldn't help but feel a little exposed with only the thin layer of material covering her. He strode resolutely through the door, and stopped a few metres away from her. He looked angry.

"Do you always use your command codes to come barging into people's quarters, Commander?" she asked as coolly as possible.

He took in the way she was clutching her robe shut, and bit off what he was going to say. He turned his head away slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said finally, his tone not in the least bit apologetic, "I wasn't sure if you'd let me in so I decided not to chance it."

"Why wouldn't I let you in? Though I must say I'm surprised to see you - the last I saw you, you were with Lira."

It was the wrong thing to say, she realised, as the emotion, which had faded from his expression on seeing her, returned full force. There was anger in his eyes, and there was heat, and she wasn't sure she wanted to know why they were there.

"You're right, I was with Lira," he spat the words at her, "And I had actually intended to still be down there with her now. But you made sure that wouldn't happen."

"What are you talking about?" she demanded.

"You know what I'm talking about. Every second I spent down there I could feel your eyes on me. I could feel your attention from across the room. Oh I know you pretended otherwise, and you no doubt fooled everyone beautifully. Everyone but me, Kathryn." Some of the anger had spent itself in his outburst, and he continued in calmer tones. "I know I shouldn't be blaming you. I know it's not your fault. But damn it, down there in that crowd of people... here on Voyager... even when you're not in the room... you're all I see."

He'd unknowingly echoed her thoughts of an hour ago. Oh God, not now. Any other time but now, she thought desperately. She couldn't handle it, not in her current frame of mind. Seeing him with another woman... And now he was here with her, and saying these things... But he hadn't finished, and even as he spoke again he closed the distance between them and grasped her hand.

"You want to know why I'm not down there with her? I couldn't go through with it. Not again. I've tried, Kathryn. I've tried to get over you. But it's impossible. Riley, Kellin - even though I don't remember it I know it for what it was. Lira would have been the same thing - another futile attempt to move on. I could have... spent the night with her. It would have been easy. But down there, feeling your eyes on me... knowing you were there... it made me realise that it's no use. Because tomorrow I'd come back to Voyager, and sit next to you all day on the Bridge, and it would start all over again. You're like a - an addiction. You're everywhere, and there's nothing I can do about it." He tore away from her then. Raking one hand through his hair in frustration, he moved over to the window to mirror her position of a few moments ago.

She didn't know what to say. She was stunned. She turned after a moment, her eyes coming to rest on his back just a few feet away. Finally she opened her mouth to speak, though she had no idea what to say.

"Chakotay, I -"

"Don't Kathryn," he cut her off abruptly, his fists clenching involuntarily at his sides, "Don't try to tell me you're sorry, or console me, or whatever it was you were going to say." He turned and sank down onto the couch, apparently having found some degree of control in the swirling atmosphere of the planet below. "I'm the one who should be apologising. I have no right to be here, pressing you like this. You have enough to worry about as it is without having to deal with my emotions as well. It's not your fault you don't share my feelings... I realise that -"

"Just stop right there, Chakotay."

She planted her hands on her hips as she glared down at the man on her couch. At first she'd been stunned by his outburst. Then she'd listened to his words and couldn't believe how moved she was by them. Now she was just incredibly irritated.

"How can you say that to me? How can you even think that?" He looked up at her, confusion on his face. "You come in here and start spouting off about how much I affect you - about your damned irrepressible emotions... All I can think is that you're so self-absorbed - so wrapped up in those feelings that they've blinded you. Because if you'd been paying any attention at all you'd never have the gall to say that I don't share your feelings." At this point she took a deep breath. She knew she probably wasn't making much sense, but right then she was too angry to care. She continued the onslaught. "Just why the Hell do you think I couldn't take my eyes off you down there? Do you think I enjoy seeing you with someone else? I hate it. And I know why you're doing it and I hate that even more! But worse still is when you come in here and say that I... God, of course I know what your feelings are for me. But you act as if I'm oblivious to it all. That I just sit up on my pedestal while you suffer in silence. Do you actually believe that? That I feel less than you do? Because the only difference I see is that I can't do anything about it... I can't move on because there's nowhere for me to go... And I can't show even a moment's weakness... I can't..."

Her tirade slowed to a halt. She'd been pacing back and forth, but now she stopped, pressing one hand to her eyes, unable to continue. She couldn't believe how much she'd just told him. All that she'd tried to ignore for so long. Her anger had disappeared, and she suddenly felt very lost. But then Chakotay was there, pulling her hand gently from her face and holding it in his firm grasp. She looked at him hopelessly, tears in her eyes that she wouldn't allow to fall.

"I didn't know," he said softly, "I swear I didn't know. I did know that you cared for me - but I always thought you were content with our friendship."

To his surprise she let out a sudden laugh. Then she pulled away, needing to distance herself from him before she spoke.

"I must be a better actor than I thought. I never imagined I'd be so successful in fooling anyone. I was sure the whole crew knew I was in love with you."

"What did you just say?" he asked incredulously, practically choking on the words.

She hadn't meant to say that. Couldn't believe she'd just said that. She froze, her mouth open a fraction. She spun away from him and tried to say something.

"Uh... Nothing... I mean -"

"Never mind, I heard it," he broke in.

"No - I didn't -" she tried to think of some way to take it back.

"You can't say it and then expect me to forget it, Kathryn," he reproached.

"But it doesn't change anything!" she burst out.

"You're right," he told her, moving around to take hold of her by the shoulders, "It doesn't change anything. Kathryn, you know that no matter what happens, I'll always be here. I'll always support you. The only thing that does change is that now I know how you feel. How is that bad? Now we can move forward, instead of endlessly circling each other."

His eyes pleaded her. She wanted to give in. God, how she wanted to give in. But she couldn't. She was too confused, and emotional. She knew she wasn't thinking straight or she never would have allowed this conversation to begin in the first place.

"Chakotay..."

"Wait. Before you say anything, I need you to know something. Even if you ignore this, ignore your own feelings and mine... Even if you tell me 'never', and you mean it... It won't matter. I won't move on. How could I, when we work and eat and relax side by side every day? It just isn't possible. I will never get over you, Kathryn Janeway. Never," he finished in an intense whisper. He squeezed her shoulders one more time for emphasis then let her go, watching her reaction.

She blinked once, then twice. Her mouth opened then shut again. She was dumbfounded, she was bewildered, and she was... oh God, she was so tempted... so tempted to just touch him, and kiss him, and hear him whisper her name forever. But she was so confused, and she knew she had to... but how could she think clearly when he was looking at her like that, and she wanted him so badly, and she loved him...

"I need... some time," she managed somehow.

"Of course. You know I'll wait as long as it takes," he replied immediately.

She let out a breath of relief and calmed down slightly. She'd hoped that he wouldn't push her any further. She needed some space and time, to breathe, and to think. She didn't notice the dangerous look in his eyes, concentrating on his words alone.

"You can have as much time as you need, Kathryn," he said, his voice level, "But I think I'll give you something to think about before I go..."

And suddenly she must have noticed his tone, because she looked up and saw his eyes. But it was too late.

He kissed her.

After four years of knowing her, and wanting her, and loving her, he finally kissed her. He reached out and took her head in his hands and pressed his mouth to hers. For a few, delirious moments, their lips clung to each other. And then he let her go, turned, and headed for the door to her quarters.

It took three seconds.

"Chakotay..." she croaked, her voice hoarse.

He turned back to her, and she didn't need to speak again, because it was all there in her eyes. The desire, the need, the voice in her mind that was pleading frantically with him to stay. No, don't go, please don't go... It was all there, and he saw it. In an instant she was in his arms again, her body pressed against him, her face buried in his neck. He held her tightly, one arm around her back, the other stroking her hair as he spoke softly to her, over and over.

"It will be alright. We'll make it alright."

She wanted to believe him so badly. She needed to believe him. Then his mouth was on hers again, and her only thoughts were of being safe in his arms, and the feel of his muscles moving beneath her fingers, and the play of their lips against each other.

And she believed him in that moment. They would have to face the rest tomorrow, she knew. But they would do it together.

The End

I really love getting feedback. So please, please, please, send any thoughts, comments,
or whatever to s371186@student.uq.edu.au

Go back to Diamond's Voyager Fan Fic Page

Capatin Janeway and Commander Chakotay really kissed times on New Earth - we just never got to see it.