The question was, of course, where was Chakotay?

As if in answer to her thought, a voice spoke from behind her. "Hello, Kathryn."

She turned to face him, smiling involuntarily as she did. "Hello," she replied, "Have you had a nice day?" She just barely restrained from cringing at the domestic tone to the words.

"Yes, it's been great. I didn't realise how much I'd been missing the desert."

They hadn't moved yet, and were still standing facing each other five or six metres apart. They looked at each other for a moment, neither one completely sure of what was going on. Finally she turned back to where the ground fell away, and looked at the land spread out before her.

"It's quite a view," she commented, hoping she sounded casual.

"It'll get better soon. It's going to be a spectacular sunset," he said, moving to stand next to her, "Would you like to sit and watch it with me?"

He spoke the words tentatively. Even though she herself had opted to be here with him, he was still insecure. She'd rejected him so often in the past - all those dinner invitations, all the offers of an ear if she needed someone to talk to, all the hints that she only had to say the word and he would be there - all turned down. She really hated herself for that. But this, this she could give him.

"That sounds wonderful," she told him, and gave him a warm smile.

So they sat next to each other with their backs against a rock, almost but not quite touching.

"So," she began, feeling a need to fill the silence, "How did you get up here anyway? I thought you hated rock climbing."

"I do," he chuckled, "Believe me, there was no climbing involved. I was hiking, and I came across this place by accident. It was an easy path. I wasn't even aware I was up this high."

"So is that what you've been doing all day? Hiking?"

"For most of the afternoon. I spent the morning meditating and talking with my spirit guide," he told her simply.

"Oh? And how is she?" she inquired with a laugh.

"She's fine," he replied seriously. Then, after a pause, "You mentioned when you contacted me before that you'd been having an idle day. What have you been doing, exactly?"

She gave a little snort of laughter before speaking. "I've spent today doing a number of things that are most definitely not included in my job description."

"Such as?"

"Well, let's see. I spent a few distracted hours in Astrometrics being a nuisance to Seven because I couldn't concentrate. I ended up giving her advice about her relationship with Harry, so I don't think she minded," she grinned mischievously as he raised his eyebrows in surprise. "A little while after that I found myself babysitting for Naomi, and we spent most of the afternoon at the park on the holodeck. Oh, but not before we visited the bridge and entertained some of the bored personnel on duty."

"Well," he said, studiously keeping his face straight, "It sounds like you had an interesting day then."

"Yes, I think 'interesting' sums it up rather nicely. Unproductive, but interesting. But you know, there was one thing that I couldn't help noticing. Were you aware that with the exception of Tuvok perhaps, our entire crew is obsessed with relationships?"

"That's exaggerating things a little, isn't it?" he asked, turning his face away from the sunset to look at her.

She shook her head. "I'm serious. Nearly every person I've encountered today has had something to say on the topic. Some more than others," she added, thinking of Megan and Jenny.

"Well, I'm sure it's just a natural response to the downtime they've been granted. Everyone's relaxed, there's no danger or stress, and they feel comfortable to... focus their energies on something other than work."

"Well that's one way of putting it," she said dryly.

He nudged her with his elbow. "You know what I mean. The crew is just taking advantage of the lull in activity while they can."

"Hmm. Well I certainly don't begrudge them that. I suppose we'll just have to hope we really are safe here, and that Voyager doesn't suddenly come under attack while the majority of the crew are 'focusing their energies' elsewhere."

"You've been taking optimism lessons from Tuvok again, haven't you," he accused, waving a finger at her.

"I can think of worse people to get them from," she retorted with a laugh.

They fell silent for a while after that. She fidgeted a bit, playing with some pebbles beside her leg. He, in contrast, was very still beside her. She sneaked a few surreptitious glances at him beneath her lashes, and tried to quiet her nervousness. Just then a cool breeze reached them, heralding the end of the day's heat. She closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the feel of the wind in her hair, and sighed softly. When she opened her eyes, she found him watching her. A lazy smile crossed his face as his eyes met hers.

She turned her head away immediately, and looked out once more at the ever-changing sky. It was a lost cause, really. She was a lost cause... when it came to him. She could feel his gaze on her still, reading her, learning her... and knowing her. She wondered what to say next, and then spoke before being able to question the wisdom of bringing up such a topic.

"They talk about us too, you know. The crew, I mean."

"Kathryn, they've always talked about us. Ever since..."

"Ever since New Earth," she finished for him.

They'd never talked about it. Not really. It caused too much pain for both of them. And she still didn't want to discuss it, and most likely never would.

"I suppose we may have given them reason to, in a way. After all, it's no secret that I'm closer to you than anyone on the ship," she said, wondering where all this brutal honesty was coming from.

He nodded his agreement. "I think it might also be a way for some of them to rationalise the way we maintain our command distance."

She bit her lip in dismay at his statement. "I'm sorry," she said quietly.

He looked at her in surprise. "For what?"

"I never meant for my own need for a sense of command isolation to be inflicted on you. I know how close you were to the Maquis crewmembers when you first came to Voyager, and you've lost that over the years."

"Kathryn, you forget sometimes that I was Starfleet for a lot longer than I was Maquis," he reproached gently, "I fully understand the need for a commanding officer to distance themselves from the rest of the crew. And you know, I've always thought that one of your greatest strengths as a leader is how close you are to the crew. Many officers find it difficult to do that and still maintain their 'aura of command'. And as for me," he went on before she had a chance to speak, "I've accepted the fact that I'm not as close now to some of my Maquis friends. It comes with the rank - it's not your fault."

She grimaced. "Alright," she conceded grudgingly, "I'll give you that. But I realised something today - something I really do have to apologise for." She paused, wondering how she could ever say all that she wanted to and still make a shred of sense. She decided to try and put it as simply as possible. "Chakotay, I realised that while you're always there for me, I'm seldom there for you - not in the same capacity. But I should be. Chakotay, I should be. But I've been incredibly selfish. No," she said with a small smile, "Don't try to deny it, I have been. But..." She hesitated. This was the hard part. "I want to try and fix that. I think I'd like to see if we can't... deepen our relationship. I want -" she halted the string of words, pressing one hand to her forehead, "God, Chakotay, I don't know what I want. Half of what I'm telling you I only realised today. But it's been building for such a long time, hasn't it? And so it's not really such a surprise, I guess. But I'm not promising anything, not yet. And I can't say I know where this is heading, exactly, because I need some time to adjust and make sure this isn't a huge mistake. And I think," she paused, taking a deep breath; she was babbling, she knew. "I think you'd better say something now, or else I'm just going to keep talking..."

Chakotay schooled his expression carefully, trying not to smile at her pained expression. Despite her obvious state of unrest, he wasn't finding it difficult to stay calm. After the verbal outpouring he'd just witnessed, he knew exactly where their relationship was headed - he wouldn't allow it to go anywhere else.

Finally he smiled at her and said, "Whatever you're comfortable with is fine with me."

She shook her head in disbelief, and stared at him in dewy-eyed wonder. "I don't deserve you."

He took her hand gently in his own. "You deserve everything I can give and more. I only wish I could make you see that."

His words, spoken with such intensity and love, only strengthened her belief that he was way too good for her. He gave her so much, and asked for so little in return. Her feelings for him were such that, if he did ever ask for more, she wouldn't hesitate to give it. But he wouldn't ask. She knew that. So perhaps it was time to take the initiative, and give him something of her own free will.

And so, as the sun cast a few last streaks of colour across the sky, Captain Janeway drew her first officer's face down towards her own. They stayed that way for a long time, kissing in the waning light, oblivious to the spreading dark.

It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

end part 4
(He he he... Sorry, I couldn't help myself with an ending like that.)

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