This may or may not be a response to 'Counterpoint'. Don't ask me, I just type here.

Disclaimer: This stuff isn't mine. You know it. I know it. Voyager belongs to Paramount, and the lyrics come from "Ever Fallen In Love With Someone" by the Buzzcocks.

******
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with?
******

The bar top's wet. It's not supposed to be wet...

Oh. He'd spilt his drink.

Ah well, plenty more where that came from - plenty of rations left to burn. He poured himself another. Fresh ice, too.

It really was pathetic though. There had to be better things he could be doing with his holodeck time than drowning his sorrows with synthehol in Sandrines. There just had to be. He could be training with Boothby... or hiking... or skiing... or relaxing in one of the more entertaining pleasure programs devised by those creative people down in engineering... Then again, it all seemed like just a bit too much of an effort to do anything more than lift the glass to his mouth and swallow.

Pathetic.

Damnit. What the hell was wrong with him? He rubbed at his eyes wearily and blinked a few times in a rather lame attempt to pull himself together.

Still, there was definitely something to be said for drinking oneself into a stupor. A nice, hazy, numbing stupor. He gave up all attempts at focusing, finished off his drink, and pulled the warm, dark blanket back over his mind.

It really was impossible, he mused as he swished the remaining ice around in the bottom of the glass. He had no one to blame but himself. He'd always had a knack for getting involved in the most ridiculously impossible relationships. A Borg. A Cardassian for crying out loud. Not to mention a woman who was, for all intents and purposes, a big purple member of species 8472. And apparently someone from the most xenophobic race imaginable - though he still wasn't sure that hadn't been some ridiculous prank. Probably Paris's doing.

And of course, all of that paled beside the biggest damn mess he'd ever gotten himself into. Gods. Talk about destructive relationships...

******
You spurn my natural emotions
You make me feel like dirt
And I'm hurt
******

True, she'd never actually stolen his DNA and tried to impregnate herself with it. But in her own way, she'd certainly used him enough times - though of course, it was all perfectly rationalised, all for a good cause. And damnit if he didn't just let her get away with it every time. What else could he do? They all had to live and work together, didn't they?

And damnit if he didn't still want her...

After all this time. Damnit. But he did. He really did. But then, impossible relationships were his speciality. And the whole thing was just so completely hopeless... he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

"Hello, Chakotay."

Oh no. Oh Damn. Oh damndamndamndamn. Not now. Christ, not now.

Silently uttering every profanity he knew, he lifted his head to greet her. "Captain."

Her brow furrowed in that way she had, and sat down next to him. "Rough night?"

The question seemed ridiculously amusing to him. Absolutely fucking hysterical. All that came out, though, was a brief snort and a wry "You could say that." Damn he was getting good at this. Maybe he could do this without saying something stupid. Maybe he should get the hell out of there, just to be safe.

Maybe he should have another drink.

The latter seeming like the most plausible course of action, he reached for the bottle and refilled his glass. He remembered, perhaps a little belatedly, to see if she wanted one too.

"Oh, why not?" she answered with a little shrug and a smile.

Great. She was in a good mood. Well, may as well make conversation since he couldn't very well ask her to leave. He was just so unbelievably not in the mood for this. "So what brings you down here? It's pretty late," he said as he reached over the bar to get a clean glass for her.

"Oh, I was feeling restless. The other holodeck is on privacy lock, and I didn't think you'd mind..."

"Of course not."

******
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse
******

He wondered when lying to her had become second nature. He wondered what would happen if just once he was completely honest with her. He wondered if she'd cry.

He realised that he wanted to see her cry. Really cry. Which was strange, because he didn't want to hurt her. Even after everything - all the crap he put up with - he didn't want to hurt her.

"So is there anything you want to talk about?" she asked out of the blue, and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

Gods, what a question. Though not surprising, of course, seeing as she discovered him by himself, quietly getting drunk in the middle of the night. Would honesty work? That could be interesting.

"No," he answered instead, carefully, "No, I just felt like... letting loose for a while."

"Ah," she nodded in understanding.

Pathetic.

But what else could he say? That he was disgusted with himself? That he was ashamed of the person he'd become? That despite all the times she sold herself and the rest of them out, he went along with it quietly? That regardless of the fact that he didn't really like her very much anymore, he still found himself wanting to be closer to her?

He couldn't say that. It would ruin what little good was still between them.

So he lied.

******
I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realise that we are the same
******

She'd been quiet for a while. Something to be thankful for.

It was such a shame, really. Despite everything, there had been potential there, once. There had been New Earth.

"It's ironic, isn't it?" she spoke suddenly, not fully emerging from her now pensive mood, still staring down into her drink.

"What's that?" he asked with a stifled sigh of resignation.

"Us. Here. I used to wish things could be different. But you know, if we weren't out here, then we never would have had the chance to become anything but adversaries."

He was surprised for a moment, and wondered what might have been in that drink he gave her. Then... well...

It was just all so damned impossible. Such a fucking shame.

But she was looking at him as if expecting an answer. And so he did the only thing he could do.

He lied.

******
Ever fallen in love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with?

Well what else do you expect when it's 4 am and I'm feeling angsty?

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Janeway and Chakotay have been interrupted during ready room "discussions".