Uh, this one is fairly depressing. You have been warned. And while I think that it stays within the PG rating, I could be wrong. There's no actual sex, but there is talk of sex, as well as what would probably be called 'adult themes'. Anyway, if you disagree with the rating, please let me know.
Disclaimer: The Star Trek universe and all therein belongs to Paramount, not me. No infringement of Copyright is intended.
And a great big thankyou to Crowded House for producing such a lovely, haunting song as this. They are my all time favourite band - every one of their songs is a source of bittersweet inspiration.
By Diamond
*****
Into temptation
Safe in the wide open arms of hell
*****
It was a month since they'd left Arayka 4. A month since they'd lost Tuvok. He was never Chakotay's favourite person, of course. But he'd developed a great deal of respect and trust for him over the years. And the stolid Vulcan, once so very much a part of life on Voyager, was sorely missed.
Ayala was head of security now. What a joke. Though fully competent, just the idea of having a former Maquis as the head of security on a Starfleet ship made him want to grin. But he was no Tuvok. Tuvok was... an exceptional officer.
But life went on. Ayala learnt to cope with both the position, and with the knowledge that he simply wasn't 'Tuvok'. And the crew learnt to accept the loss, as they had so many others. Well, most of the crew...
Chakotay was fully aware that she hadn't gotten past it yet. It didn't help that Tuvok had died to save her. Leapt in front of her, taking the full brunt of the terrorist phaser beam that had been aimed at her.
He would never forget the look of anguish on her face as she cradled Tuvok's head on her lap; oblivious to the chaos around her as the activist was subdued; oblivious to the fact that she was covered in his blood and that there was no way in Hell he could have survived the shot that had vaporised half his torso.
She cried at the memorial service. She'd never cried in front of the crew before, though he'd witnessed the odd tear himself over the years. But she cried then, the tears coursing down her face as she spoke a eulogy for him.
He'd known, of course, that she was close to Tuvok. But he hadn't realised till that moment just how close their relationship had been. He wondered, feeling guilty as he did so, whether she would have done the same if it had been him rather than Tuvok.
It was a month since Tuvok died.
They were orbiting another planet now - the first since Arayka. They were a hospitable people, well accustomed to inter-planetary trade, and Voyager was one of six alien ships currently in the system. Negotiations had been carried out, terms agreed on and subsequent trades completed. And now the crew were indulging in some much needed shoreleave. It had been a rough month for everyone.
Even she had readily agreed to take some time off. If anyone on the crew needed it, it was her. But it had surprised him how complacent she'd been with his suggestion to take a few days for herself. She'd seemed almost eager. That had disturbed him almost as much as the haunted look present in her eyes of late. He could tell how exhausted she was, how little she'd been sleeping. She was in desperate need of a break. But that she agreed to it... Actually acknowledged her need to recuperate...
She must really be hurting.
Not that she showed it much, except perhaps in the shadows under her eyes, and the screaming absence of her ready smile and laughter on the Bridge. But other than that, she was all professionalism. The perfect Captain. And the crew accepted her behaviour, knowing she needed time to heal. She wasn't acting irrationally, she was keeping her temper, still had kind words of encouragement for anyone who needed them. She was still their captain. But he knew she hadn't moved past it, despite her efforts to keep up appearances for the crew.
It was the same the day she went on shoreleave, one month exactly since Tuvok's death. He had breakfast with her that morning. She talked about what she was planning on doing, acting her usual, enthusiastic self, but for the haunted look in her eyes and the slight shaking of her hands. He wished she would let him help - in any way. But she hadn't spoken with him as anything like a close friend in a month, avoiding him skilfully, until he couldn't help but think that the precious relationship they'd built up over the years might be gone.
But that afternoon she returned to Voyager and contacted him from her quarters. He was in his office at the time, finishing off some work in the hour before going off duty. He opened the transmission and her face appeared on the screen. She smiled at him, and it put him on alert straight away. He hadn't seen her smile that way in such a long time. And her eyes had a peculiar look about them. He didn't recognise the expression behind it, and that worried him too - he could usually read her so well. She invited him to a festival being held in the capital city that evening, saying she wanted to spend some time with him. And then something new appeared in his eyes. Something he did recognise. Desperation.
And he said yes.
Of course he said yes. How could he refuse her, when she looked at him as though he was her only hope; and when he'd been missing her for a month and would do anything for her? Though his senses were in an uproar about this, he agreed and was even looking forward to it, pushing apprehension away, ignoring his instincts that were telling him that something was wrong.
Perhaps he was foolish for doing so. But this month had been hard on him also. The crew, not wanting to burden the Captain more than was absolutely necessary, took their problems to him. And of course, he'd had to take on Tuvok's duties while Ayala was adjusting. And all the while he was worrying about her. Yes, this month had definitely taken it's toll on him as well, and so it wasn't surprising that he chose to ignore the warning signals.
It was easy to believe that she might want a friend as much as he did.
*****
You opened up your door
I couldn't believe my luck
You in your new blue dress
Taking away my breath
*****
She opened the door almost immediately, as if she'd been waiting for him to get there. She was quiet, subdued... and utterly alluring in a deep blue dress he'd never seen before. She'd taken his breath away when the door to her quarters opened, and they were already halfway down the corridor before he came to his senses. And she was so quiet, focusing ahead as they walked side by side so he couldn't see her face.
Neither of them bothered making conversation. It would have seemed out of place somehow in their current mood - or rather, her current mood. But it all changed once they'd beamed down to the surface.
As soon as they materialised, they found themselves in the midst of the celebration. Just what it was these people were celebrating was anyone's guess, but it was hard not to be caught up in the joyful atmosphere surrounding them.
She turned to him with a breathless, excited expression, smiling at him before catching his hand and pulling him into the throng. They wove in and out of the crowds. There were stalls and music and performers everywhere, with strange, alien elements interwoven with the universal symbols of festivity.
He couldn't take his eyes off her as she all but danced along beside him, exclaiming over the sights and sounds. She was radiant, and mesmerising, even as he knew that there was something going on behind all of this, though he couldn't guess what. He only knew that she had still been the haunted, hollow imitation of herself just yesterday, and that there was no way she could have transformed so quickly into the vibrant woman she now appeared to be.
But she turned to him even as he thought this, and smiled again and said, "You know Chakotay, I don't think I've felt this carefree in years."
And then she laughed aloud as an alien dressed all in purple stopped in front of them and handed her a large yellow flower before dancing away. He couldn't help but think that maybe she was alright. Maybe she was simply trying to forget the past month, and try to enjoy herself. And if that was the case, then he wanted nothing more than to help her forget. Maybe then he could forget as well...
*****
The cradle is soft and warm
Couldn't do me no harm
You're showing me how to give
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into temptation...
*****
She giggled as she lead him along the path. He thought she might have had too much to drink, but they'd consumed the same amount, and he was feeling fine. And the truth was, he was laughing almost as much as she - at nothing and everything.
She'd directed them away from the revellers, and they'd wandered for a time until coming across the entrance of a park or some kind of public gardens. It was much quieter here, away from the main part of the festival. And it almost seemed like another world compared to the city, with the trees surrounding them and the grass beneath their feet.
They came across a fountain a little way along the path. She went over to it immediately, dipping her hand into the swirling water. When he reached her side, she splashed him, and looked at him expectantly - daring him to retaliate. He splashed her back, of course, laughing as he got her in the face.
"That's it, Chakotay. You asked for it," she threatened.
"Hey, you started it," he managed, before she stuck both her hands in the water and wet him all down his front.
She made to move away then, out of range, and he reached out to grasp her wrist, intending to give her an equal drenching. But instead of evading him she turned suddenly, stepped into his arms and kissed him full on the mouth.
*****
A muddle of nervous words
Could never amount to betrayal
Sentences all my own
The price is to watch it fail
*****
It was a full ten seconds before he could do anything but close his eyes, but then he pulled away abruptly. She looked up at him, confused.
"Kathryn, wait a minute. I don't think... I'm not sure this is a good idea," he said nervously.
She reached for him, saying, "It's alright," before raising her lips to his again.
"No, wait." He moved out of her arms. "This isn't like you. I don't think you're yourself. Neither of us is. And I don't want us to do something we'd regret."
The look she gave him then was one of more than just confusion. She was angry, and turned her face away from him. He thought she was probably embarrassed.
"Maybe we should go back to the festival," he suggested, not wanting the evening to end on that note.
He started to turn, thinking she would follow, when she spoke.
"I wouldn't regret it," she said, her voice firm and clear, and full of assurance.
*****
As I turn to go
You looked at me for half a second
With an open invitation for me to go
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into temptation
Safe in the wide open arms of hell
*****
"Chakotay..."
He turned back to her. The look in her eyes... That look of desperation... And there was fear there too, and sorrow, need, and pain... so much pain... He hesitated, just long enough for her to step close to him once more.
"Chakotay," she repeated, "I do want this. I have for so long. And... and I need this. Even if it's just for tonight."
She reached up and laid her hand against his cheek, and as she spoke, the pain in her eyes clouded over with something more... And she looked so vulnerable, and so hurt, as if he were her only hope.
Still he hesitated, so tempted to simply take what she was offering. But normally, he would do anything for her, and there was no denying that this was something he'd wanted for such a long time.
"I know you want this too, Chakotay," she whispered as her mouth hovered an inch below his, "I know you want me..."
Her words echoed his thoughts, and then her lips met his, and there was nothing more to be said as he went into temptation.
*****
We can go sailing in
Climb down, lose yourself when you linger long
Into temptation
Right where you belong
*****
And so they made love there beside the fountain, while the stars blurred with fireworks and laser displays overhead. It was slow, and passionate, and desperate all at once - a whirlpool of heat and emotion and sensation...
And then it was over.
They held one another in the aftermath, their laboured breathing loud and out of place in the peaceful atmosphere of the park. He clutched her tightly to his chest, his face in her hair. And he felt her tears against his neck as she cried silently for the both of them, and for a happiness that could never be.
*****
The guilty get no sleep
In the last slow hours of morning
Experience is cheap
I should've listened to the warning
But the cradle is soft and warm...
*****
She wasn't asleep. He couldn't see her face, but he could tell. They were lying side by side on the grass, her head on his shoulder, his hand on her stomach, but otherwise barely touching. He stared at the sky - at the stars overhead. No fireworks now, he thought to himself and almost laughed. Almost.
They hadn't spoken yet. He wondered what she was thinking - she was very quiet beside him. His current situation was incredibly tragic, he thought, and then wondered at his own thoughts being so sarcastic. But it was, really. He'd dreamed of something like this happening. Fantasised about it. Spent hours imagining what it would be like to hold her, and kiss her. But this wasn't anything like in his dreams. The feelings of regret were certainly unexpected.
Perhaps he shouldn't have let it happen. She was in a vulnerable state, though he knew she'd known what she was doing. Still, maybe he should have shown a bit more self control. But he knew that if he were presented with the same situation again he would act the same way every time. Yes, they'd both acted selfishly this night.
And he wondered, in the cool quiet of the night, just what, exactly was going to happen now. Surely there would be repercussions. He didn't bother to hope that this might signal a new relationship for them. He was all too aware of what this had been for her - a way to forget, to lose herself, and perhaps even attempt to find herself again. But that was all. And it didn't really matter that in the heat of their embraces, he'd deluded himself into thinking that perhaps he could love her enough to change her mind.
But what would be the actual consequences of their actions? Would he be able to sit dispassionately next to her on the bridge all day, without picturing her face as it had been in the darkness as she moved beneath him?
Truth be told, he knew he would be able to, as would she. Though they would both suffer a little for it. Perhaps suffer a lot. But in essence it couldn't have happened in any other way that he wouldn't have let her seduce him. Still, he should never have let it happen...
She stirred beside him, then, as if sensing that his thoughts had reached a culmination. She sat up, not looking at him, and the sudden absence of her head upon his arm was shocking in its abruptness. He watched her for a moment as she dressed and righted clothing that had merely been pushed aside in their urgency. He watched for a moment then began to make himself decent as well, knowing that they had to go back sometime, but foolishly wanting to hold onto this place as if it wasn't the site of some torrid encounter.
They stood up as one. She hadn't spoken yet, and he wondered what she would say when she did. He watched her face until finally, she brought her head up to look at him. Dark though it was, he could still see the pain and sorrow in her eyes, though he thought his own must be worse. She moved closer then, her gaze fixed with his, and laid her hand on his cheek.
"Chakotay," she whispered, and kissed him again, her lips trembling against his. She pulled back, and searched his face, and he could tell she was looking for the words to tell him...
"I know. I understand," he said, helping her, even then - even though his heart was breaking. He even managed a smile for her. Anything to quell that look of pain in her eyes. "It was just... the mood of the festival."
By the look on her face, she knew full well what he'd done. And she accepted it. She put her arms around him for a moment, and he closed his eyes, knowing it might be for the last time.
"I'm sorry," she whispered as she pulled away.
Then he watched as she became the Captain again, pulling all emotions back inside where no one could touch them.
"So am I," he answered, and tried to forget the way she had sighed his name just an hour ago.
They moved to stand side by side.
"Janeway to Voyager. Two to beam up," she announced.
As the beam took hold of him, his only source of solace was that no matter what happened between them in the future... He would at least carry with him the memory of one almost-perfect evening with her.
*****
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into your wide open arms
No way to break this spell
Don't tell...
*****
They left the planet a few days later. Life went on.
She came back to herself gradually in the following weeks. The crew were glad, their spirits lifting with the knowledge that their Captain was with them again.
Chakotay watched her as she sat beside him on the bridge. She'd be trading quips with Tom, and would look his way to share her laughter. Their eyes would meet, and he would know that she was herself again.
And he pretended to forget, as did she, about that night at the festival, with the lights overhead, and the sound of running water beside them. He knew that she had needed it, and that she had even planned it, and on one level he was glad that he'd been able to help her. And he knew that she would never want to discuss it, and that it might never happen again.
And so he pretended to forget, and he hoped that one day... somehow...
Because sometimes the only things any of them had out there were their hopes and their dreams.
The End
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Captain Janeway considered killing Chakotay times after his fling with Riley Fraser.
INTO TEMPTATION
by Crowded House
You opened up your door
I couldn't believe my luck
You in your new blue dress
Taking away my breath
The cradle is soft and warm
Couldn't do me no harm
You're showing me how to give
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into temptation...
A muddle of nervous words
Could never amount to betrayal
Sentences is all my own
The price to watch it fail
As I turn to go
You looked at me for half a second
With an open invitation for me to go
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into temptation
Safe in the wide open arms of hell
We can go sailing in
Climb down, lose yourself when you linger long
Into temptation
Right where you belong
The guilty get no sleep
In the last slow hours of morning
Experience is cheap
I should've listened to the warning
But the cradle is soft and warm...
Into temptation
Knowing full well the earth will rebel
Into your wide open arms
No way to break this spell
Don't tell...