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This is an episode addition to "Unforgettable", starting when Chakotay is sitting in the Mess Hall, writing about Kellin.

The words came slowly now, written painstakingly with a shaking hand. The pen fell to the table as the last sentence petered to a halt. She was almost gone. A few images drifted through his mind, but he could feel them fading away. Soon he would forget her altogether. Moisture gathered in his eyes, and a lone tear found it's way down his cheek. Forlorn, he lowered his head onto his arms and squeezed his eyes shut against the pain. His only hope rested with the few fragile sheets of paper before him, and he inched one hand across the table to rest his finger against them. He knew that in a short while he would look on them in a completely different light.

Futilely trying to hold onto his few remaining memories of Kellin, Chakotay gradually drifted off to sleep.

An hour or so later...

Captain Janeway entered the darkened mess hall not really expecting anyone to be there at this time. It was the middle of Beta shift, a time when most were asleep, so her sense of curiosity was instantly piqued when she spied her first officer asleep in the deserted room. She quietly crossed over to him, wondering whether or not she should wake him.

When she reached his side though, she drew up short, perplexed. There on the table before him were sheets of paper and a pen. She herself had rarely used such ancient means of writing, and she doubted anyone did anymore except for special reasons. She wondered what Chakotay had been doing before he fell asleep.

It wasn't really an invasion of his privacy. Not at first anyway. The pages were lying on the table for anyone to read. The words, written in dark ink, were perfectly legible even in the dim lighting of the mess hall. The first sentence caught her eye, the tone desperate and demanding her attention. Suddenly she couldn't help herself. She sat across from the unconscious man, sliding the paper out from under his sleep-heavy limb, and began to read.

A few minutes later...

With trembling hands she gathered the pages up from where they'd drifted to the table one by one. She held them carefully, staring at them as if unsure whether or not they were really there. Taking the pen also, she rose to her feet on unsteady legs, knowing what she was about to do was wrong, and yet unable to stop herself from crossing the room.

When she reached the recycler, she paused, and she wondered for an instance if she could go through with this. The answer came immediately. Do it. Her hands still did not move, and her eyes shifted to rest on the still form only a few meters away.

"Chakotay..." she breathed, the sound of her voice alien to her ears. How had they reached such a point? When had things gone so wrong? How could I just sit by and watch him with her...? But of course she had no idea how she'd reacted to that... woman's... presence on Voyager. All she knew was that she wouldn't allow it to happen again. Wouldn't allow some phantom presence to come between them.

Her hands moved decisively now. The writing implements seemed smaller and less threatening than they had a few seconds ago as they sat within the recycling field. A touch. The tiniest motion of a finger, and with a minimum amount of fuss, all evidence of her was gone.

It started slowly. A faint tightening of her stomach muscles, then a gradual increase as the knot in her gut grew larger. Suddenly it hit her - the enormity of what she had just done. One hand flew to her mouth, then the other, trying to hold in the strangled gasp that escaped nonetheless. How could she betray him like that? No matter how hurt she'd been by the thought of Chakotay with another, that was nothing compared to the crime she had just committed. The very notion that she could do such a thing filled her with disgust.

What have I done? the thought came desperately, as she stood looking down at her second in command.

He stirred, as if her thoughts had echoed as loudly through the mess hall as they had through her mind. He came awake in an instance, his head rising from the tabletop. He looked at her, disoriented.

"Kathryn?" he said, and looked around the room groggily.

The simple use of her name brought tears to her eyes. She didn't deserve to hear him say it.

"I must have fallen asleep," he said needlessly.

He looked at her strangely. She still hadn't moved. And what was that look on her face? She looked almost frightened, but that didn't make any sense. Not to him anyway. He glanced at the chronometer on the wall.

"What are you doing here at this time of night?" he asked, rising and moving towards her.

The words seemed to break through her reverie, and she backed away from him slightly.

"I... couldn't sleep," she replied finally, "I thought I might come and get something to drink.

"Not coffee, I hope," he teased, wondering what on earth was wrong with her. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. Moving into the kitchen area, noting the way her eyes followed his movements intently, he looked around for something to boil water in. "Why don't I make us both some tea?"

She appeared to be thinking madly, as she pressed one hand to her forehead. "No, thankyou... I don't really feel like anything anymore. I'll see you on the bridge."

With those last few pathetic-sounding words, she flew from the room, leaving him to stare after her in bewilderment. As soon as the doors closed behind her she collapsed against the wall. I can never tell him. The thought horrified her, but she knew it was true. Oh God, Chakotay I'm so sorry...

Although the urge to cry and scream threatened to take over, she forced some measure of calm into her demeanour as she made her way to the turbolift. Yes, she had felt betrayed at the thought of Chakotay loving another woman, but in the long run she couldn't blame him. And she could have forgiven him for it, easily. If she confessed to Chakotay now, he would forgive her. He would tell her he understood. Maybe he'd even take it as a sign that she cared for him more than she let on. But none of that mattered.

She would never forgive herself.

THE END

Depressing, huh?

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