I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important
to be must be spoken,
made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood
(page 19).
As I read, I debated with myself over the “validity” of posting personal thoughts and experiences in reaction to Lorde’s work on a class web site. Yet as I read, I came to the conclusion that in many ways childbirth is an area of women's experience that is also silenced. Both breast cancer and childbirth deal with women's bodies, specifically areas of their bodies that have been sexualized. Both also deal with pain in areas that are also associated with sexual pleasure. Most importantly, both experiences are not necessarily openly discussed even amongst women.
I realized that the attitude toward prosthesis after breast cancer is
an index of this society's
attitudes towards women in general as decoration and externally defined
sex object (page 60).
When I worked at a publishing company, a coworker of mine became pregnant and another female employee said to her “Oh good, that means you can join the club. You'll have a birth story to share with the rest of us.” Turning to me, she said, “you cant be in this club until after you have a child.” Not being in the club, furthermore, meant that you were not allowed to hear the stories of childbirth. I found this curious, since I was planning to someday have children and I wondered why I was not allowed to hear the stories.
Once I actually became pregnant (many years later), I soon realized that I knew nothing about either being pregnant or giving birth. The unknown scared me more than the actual experience. I set out to learn all that I could and thus demystify what it meant to "join the club." Books, of course, were a valuable resource, but the internet provided me with far more useful and "real" experience. Online, one can find a community of women who are likewise seeking a connection with those whose experiences mirror their own. There are many many sites that house the birth stories, through which one learns the realities of pregnancy and childbirth. In seeking answers, I also emailed a friend of mine in Texas, who was the only close friend of mine to have experienced childbirth. She answered my queries, put some fears to rest, rejoiced in my impending motherhood, and, most importantly, told me about an email listserv through which I could communicate daily with a group of women who were due the same month as myself. The online community that I experienced provided invaluable information, support, and understanding such that I was no longer pregnant and alone but rather one of over 100 women collectively anticipating August 1997. Without a doubt, belonging to this community of women allowed me to be a more active participant in my pregnancy and subsequent delivery.
Li’l Sister and I were deeply and busily engaged in discussing our surgeries,
including pre- and
post-mastectomy experiences. We compared notes on nurses, exercises
. . At one point brother
Henry sort of wrinkled up his nose and said plaintively, “Can’t y’all
talk about somethin’ else
now? Ya kinds upsetting my stomach” (page 51).
In childbirth, the right to decide for oneself what medical procedures will be undertaken is a contested arena, with doctors fighting to retain their privilege and women fighting for the right to control what happens to their own bodies. Episiotomies, once done routinely, are one procedure that many women fight against as an unwelcome violation of their sexuality. In a similar manner, how one chooses to deliver is often argued. Who will attend a woman in childbirth and where that birth will occur are two items that are being renegotiated. Midwives and home births are two options that many women believe return the power of childbirth into their own hands. There are many competing philosophies including Bradley and Lamaze. Furthermore, women often have very distinct opinions about whether pain medications and/or epidurals will be a part of their birth experience. In the past, such decisions were routinely made by medical personnel. Currently, however, many women make the decision to write a birth plan stating their preferences for labor and delivery. Some of the issues frequently addressed in birth plans include the following:
| Do you want mobility or do you wish
to be confined to a bed?
Do you want a routine IV, a heparin lock, or nothing at all? Do you want to wear your own clothing? Do you want to listen to music? Do you want to use the tub or shower? Do you prefer female health-care providers? Do you want pain medications or do you want to avoid them? Do you have preferences for which pain medications you want? Would you prefer a certain position in which to give birth? Would you like an episiotomy Are there certain measures you want used to avoid an episiotomy? If you need a cesarean, do you have any special requests? For home and birth center births, what are your plans in case of transport? (List adapted from one found at the Mining Company) |
Although many of these preferences seem perfectly legitimate for
many expectant mothers, unfortunately, presenting birth plans to a health-care
provider often leads to a power struggle in which the medical personnel
seek to assert their "right" to control the experience of childbirth.
The expectant mother's right to voice her preferences is often seen as
an unwelcome intrusion into the process.
I remember screaming and cursing with pain in the recovery room,
and I remember a disgusted
nurse giving me a shot. I remember a voice telling me to be quiet because
there were sick people
here, and my saying, well, I have a right, because I am sick too (page
36).
To conclude this rather personal web page, I would like to relate how
these two scenes as described by Lorde echoed my own experience.
I cannot say whether men are discouraged to be silent in their pain, but
like Lorde, I was not silent but voiced by pain--loudly--and was reprimanded
for doing so. My own personal
birth story tells the full tale, but the pertinent bit of information
involves my reaction to the final painful pushing stages of delivery. One
need only know that part of this experience is referred to as the ring
of fire to understand that this is indeed painful. During my
childbirth class, our instructor told us that we would have to find our
own methods for coping with the pain and that it was not likely to be something
we could plan. In my case, I coped with the pain by screaming loudly
at the top of my lungs with each contraction. When I ran out of breath,
I stopped pushing. In this case, my own personal method of coping
was seen as inappropriate by at least one of the nurses in attendance who
attempted to hush me. I managed to defiantly relate to her that the
screaming was helping me to cope, and I continued to do so until my child
was born. Even at the height of pain, I was resentful that anyone
should indicate to me in any way that my method of coping was inappropriate.
I could not help but wonder why she thought my screaming was something
that had to be silenced....