I'm at my grandfather's house at the moment. It's nice to be here. However, there was another suppenseful battle with another bug. I was sitting at the computer, being a good human being, when I started to hear noises coming from behind me. I looked around a bit and suddenly noticed the beast arrogantly perched on top of a soda can. My instincts kicked in, and I immediately went for the can of bug spray. This time, this bug would not get away. The bug must've sensed what I was doing because when I came back he was no longer observing the world from his aluminum mountain. I found him beside the can, trying to blend in with the scenery possibly. I hid myself so as not to alert him to my presence. You could cut the tension in the room with an antennae. I was in position, all I had to do now was pull the trigger. I sprayed, he fell, fearing for his buggy life. In one fell swoop he was dead. More later on the traumatic stress I was put through. Moving on... I saw the last Star Wars movie the other day and it was good I suppose. I have an audition with David Itkin next week on Wednesday. I'm not sure exactly if I'll get anything, but Mr. Itkin has been kind enough to give me a chance and I just want to say upfront that I appreciate that.
Have peace today, May 23, 2005
For the past couple of weeks, I have been blessed. You know, what they say about not looking for "that someone" and then they suddenly show up? Well, it's true. For maybe a couple of months, and this was all in my head, I decided I was going to be asexual from now on. All that changed when Jennifer Holbrook reminded me I was supposed to take her out to dinner for having her learn my choral piece in choir so that she could pound out the parts for the choir members. It was me who had presented the offer to her when I first asked her, and I'm glad she remembered. For the past few minutes I've been trying to think of a few words to say about her, but all I can think of is that she's awesome and that she makes me happy. There's so much more to say, but you wouldn't want to read it would you? I'll just write it in my other journal Why did I write about this? I find that I don't write enough positive things in my journal and I thought I would change that. It's also for me because this is important to me, and I try to write about things that are important. And it's also for the people who want to see me happy. And especially for Jimmy and Leah, and they know why. And no, the rest of you don't get to know. Not on here anyway. It's raining hard outside right now and I hope it rains all day tomorrow. I love the rain. Obviously I love it, because i wrote a whole journal entry about it some time ago.
Have peace today, May 14, 2005
Then I shall do the same. Moving on. I have found a new composer to love: Einojuhani Rautavaara. He's Estonian and extremely talented. I can only dream about composing the things this guy does. No geeking out, I promise. Anyway! I'm going to my grandfather's house. I haven't seen or talked to him in almost two months. Going there usually brings clarity in the otherwise blurred life I sometimes live.
Have peace today, May 11, 2005
If you come to this site often and whether you know me well or not, you should read the sermon I have linked on the "Index" page. It is early in the morning and I cannot sleep. I have been sick for some time and that certainly doesn't help things. I got my grades for the semester and received four A's and two B's. I'm satisfied. I'm looking for a summer job and nothing seems appealing at all. Hopefully I can muster up the motivation. Peace and love to all my friends and family.
Have peace today, May 6, 2005
I think perhaps I'm going to create a new page on this site devoted to religion. Not just mine in particular, but with links to others as well. I'm going to do it more for myself than for anybody else, so you don't have to peruse if you don't want to. I've been finding it difficult lately to be who I am. That doesn't mean I'm questioning my "salvation" as it were, just that I have no outlet. I don't have anybody to really relate to I suppose. I haven't bothered much with expanding my spirituality lately because of school and such, so maybe an added page will help dispel some doubt. Not any sort of doubt that would say I think I'm wrong in what I believe, but the kind of doubt about being able to carry myself with my beliefs. If that makes any sense. It does to me, and it is my journal. You know, I really don't have a lot of close friends who share my beliefs. I have my friends at Christ Episcopal, but I don't see them very often and most of them are much older than me. I wish that I had more peers to share my thoughts with. As the years go by, I find more and more how increasingly difficult it is to live here in Arkansas; a state so locked in Fundamental Christianity that even the possibility of a different belief system brings fear into the hearts of those who would defend their religion to the point irrational insanity. Something I don't believe Jesus ever parabled about. I often question myself just for fun. It's something I've done ever since becoming a liberal Christian, and I think I have the right since I've been deep inside the other side's point of view at some point during my life. I ask myself if I really think I'm right. I wonder if maybe I'm not right, will I go to "hell"? Is God really angry enough to send his children who don't know him to eternal damnation. And if so, what kind of God is he? Would I love my earthly father if he chose to put me in a pit for the rest of my life because I didn't eat my broccoli? Do I really believe that humans are basically good? You know, I've come to the conclusion that the more we look for evil, the more apt we are to see it. And this conclusion works with anything really. I was given a truly wonderful compliment by my voice teacher on the day of my recital. It wasn't about my voice. He said to me, "David, you deserve to make it because you're a thinker, and you question the bullshit." Something along those lines anyway, but pure Dr. Oeste if you know him like I do. I knew what he was talking about because we've had numerous discussions on religion. I don't go as far as he does in saying others are full of bullshit, because I don't think they are, but the simpleness of the comment stayed with me. I'm a thinker and I question. I'm going out on a limb here, but I think if Jesus was around today, He might use the word "bullshit" a couple of times. He did tend to call people names, you know. Where/who do I think He would direct it at? At all of us.
Have peace today, April 27, 2005
Well, the verdict is in and I'll be staying at UCA for the fall semester. I gave LSU a multitude of calls over the past few days and finally received a call back from the head of the voice faculty, Dr. Bade. She said that I had been accepted, but had no idea why I hadn't received a letter yet and would get a hold of someone for me. She then proceeded to tell me that I would be getting absolutely no money, and that I would be placed under a teacher who would only be there for a year and after that I would have to switch. Honestly, that's absurd, and that's how I feel. Over the past five years, I have established a relationship with my current voice teacher, one that I believe has worked to my advantage when concerning my voice development. I also believe that in that type of setting, where the teacher/student relationship is strong, there is more of a chance to learn and to succeed. I don't intend to just hand my voice over to someone lightly. And the fact that they "forgot" to send me a letter doesn't help matters either. I feel toyed with, and even though I was accepted, I don't feel it was true acceptance. I want to be completely and utterly satisfied with my choice in schools. Besides, it is my future and nobody elses, and I'm not just going to "settle". If that makes me sound arrogant, than so be it. With all that being said, I still like LSU and might audition there again next year. There is always the chance that perhaps my first impression wasn't as good as it could've been. I like the teachers, and when Dr. Bade called me, she sounded enthusiastic about me possibly attending the program. Her enthusiasm also could've been rehearsed. Anyway! Really, the biggest bomb of all is that I don't get any financial assistance. I spent a lot of money auditioning for graduate schools, and besides the fact that I enjoyed my time at both schools and in Baton Rouge and Chicago, I'm still trying to decide whether it was money well spent. I don't have the kind of money to just go to school and be done with it. And it's not wise to request loans when I have no idea whether I'll have a job to help pay them back again. I suppose one advantage to all of this is that I know more about the audition process. I also know that certain schools are looking for "roles", like Northwestern, so I will have to make sure and be meticulous in my pursuit of information when auditioning again next year. Well, my friends, that's the story.
Have peace today, April 24, 2005
School is almost over and I'll be happy when it is. But I am, however, confident in all my classes, which doesn't happen too often at the end of semesters. It is looking like I will be here in the fall, by the way. It sucks, but it almost feels like it was meant to be. I don't believe in fate, but there is always something in the back of my mind telling me maybe the Big Man had/has something to do with it. And I think he does in some small part. My recital went well, and the turnout was incredible. I think I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown the entire time I was up there. Nothink bad, but it was just so difficult for me to fathom that so many people love me enough to support me like they did that night. I'm not use to that, and it finally all sunk in. Took a while didn't it? My brother made it to my recital and I was so pleased to see him there. My mom and dad made it and I'm so glad they came. And it touches my heart because they don't exactly have the money to be doing that all the time. Some of my friends drove an hour or two to come and see me. They stopped their busy lives just to come and see me, and I thank them for that. I hope they know how much it meant to me, especially the ones who had to work the next day. And of course, Jimmy and Leah were there. You know, there were several parts during the recital, that being during the course of my singing, that I thought to myself, God I could've done that better. But when it comes down to it, it wasn't about me, it was about everyone else. To me, the recital was fantastic simply because I was able to share with so many people what God has given me. That may not sound like me, but Dr. Oeste is constantly telling me to share with the world "what God gave" me. Anyway! Life is good. I don't really know how to say this, but there are going to be some changes with roommate life I suppose. At first I thought I was going to move out, but I had a wonderful heart-to-heart with Leah last night that convinced me that I'm probably going to stay here 'till at least August. I'll be paying rent now, but as long as I get a summber job that won't be a problem. Now, I just want to say this. Leah and I's personalitities have always clashed, but I still love her just the same, so having the conversation I did with her last night really made things a whole lot better for me I think. Sometimes, while living here, I've never known what to think, and have always sort of felt unwelcome. But now it's changed and I feel like I belong here, and the more I think about it the more I don't want to move out. And living here is worth it, even if I do have to pay a little more rent. Why do I have to pay more rent? You'll have to read Jimmy's blog to find out. Look at that, I just plugged Jimmy's blog for him. Look at me being nice! I said look at me, bitches! So, I guess the moral here, is to talk to people and tell them how you feel. Because until you do, you'll never know how they feel about you. The more you know, eh? I love you, Jimmy and Leah. And to everyone else, your a bunch of bastards. No, I kid, I kid. I love you all, and thanks again for my recital; you are the ones that made it what it was: A piece of shit. No, I kid again. It was wonderful and I thank you all for that. Good times. Maybe I should start making paragraphs in these things to seperate my thoughts. Hmmm...
Have peace today, April 16, 2005
I just recently got up and it's early in the afternoon. I'm still tired. My accompanist, Mrs. Stanley, and I are meeting today to go over some music that is rhythmically difficult. I really like her so that should be fun. We always make a lot stupid jokes about the songs that I'm doing. I'm about to get in the shower, but I thought an update to my site would be good for me and for everyone else. 'Cause you know you love me. I basically have everything memorized for the recital, it's just a matter of getting it all together. That process starts today with Mrs. Stanley, and then continues with my dress rehearsal tomorrow. It won't end until the recital is over. I'm looking forward to it now I suppose. I think the best part, is that I'm expecting a lot of wonderful people to be there. People who have touched my life in some way, be it good or bad. I'm trying to get people I haven't seen in forever to come as well, but it's always difficult finding them. My brother isn't coming, and honestly I'm pissed at him. I told him over three months ago and even wrote in on a piece of paper and hung it in his room because I knew he would forget. And when he forgets something he blames it on me because I "didn't remind him". Stereotypical man, eh? He has class at UALR and "can't get out of it", so he won't be there. I'll let him know later how angry I am, at the moment I'm too stressed. So, anyway! Gotta go. Zippity!!
Have peace today, April 12, 2005
I long for the old days. I was walking to my sociology class today and was drenched by the rain in the process. At first it was annoying, but as I walked and walked, it became more and more of an exhilirating experience. I found myself ready to burst into laughter, and if it were not for the other students all walking calmly with their umbrellas, I probably would have. I started not to care that the rain was coming down on me so much that I knew I would look like a wet dog by the time I got to class. So I took my glasses off and just enjoyed the rest of the walk. When I was a kid, playing out in the rain was always a luxury for me. I usually wasn't allowed to because "I might get sick" or something else ridiculous along those lines. It just wasn't proper. There's something odd about knowing wherever you go you're going to get wet and you have no control over it. I wanted to go home to my house in Cabot and run in the fields by my house in the rain, and go out into the woods and watch the rain drip from the leaves of the trees, and hear the birds singing with anticipation of getting a worm or two. But I couldn't; I had to go take a test. Life is so different now. I never imagined myself where I am, and I suppose I should be thankful to an extent. So, I'm thankful. Even though I never get any sleep, and depression has been rearing its ugly head for the past few months, I'm thankful. However, I would give anything to be a teenager again, maybe 16 or 17, and just run in the rain and lay out on the grass and try to keep my eyes open as long as I could before a raindrop would hit me in the eye. I'm going to do that this summer, and if anyone who reads this site wants to come with me, you're completely welcome to.
Have peace today, April 1, 2005
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend."
-William Blake
Why the fuck is that? Why is it so difficult to sit someone down that you love so much and just tell them what's bothering you? Why the fuck am I so passive aggresive? To me, this quote holds more meaning than just the simple context of the words. Communication between someone I know so well is so difficult when it concerns such deep matters of the heart. Matters that I tend to ignore, that I think will go away if I just try to rectify the situation with subtle acts of kindness and words of wisdom. I also try to get away without talking to someone by blaming it all on myself or by telling myself it's all in my head, Lord knows everything is messed up in there. It's certainly a lot easier that way; thinking that it's all me and that someone will come to me sooner or later and explain the situation to me. But as it so often is in my own life, everything is relative outside of it, and so I never know. One things for certain, I need a fucking psychiatrist. There, I admit it. Happy?