| August/September 2004 |
| Sitting in my room on September 22, 2004 I have six dollars sitting on my desk right now. Of course, I love depositing money but I feel conflicted when I take money out of the ATM because I don't want to, but I need it, and I know since I have it I'm going to use it. I hate being poor, and also knowing that I could be poor for a very long time. But I am blessed with my parents and my grandfather who endlessly support me in whatever way they can. My mom and dad came over the other day and my mom handed me a wad of cash that couldn't have been more than ten dollars and said, "here, use this for gas!" I love my mom. A lot. This whole entry is basically because I lent someone a lot of money, and they've been "having trouble" paying me back. The excuses are always the same, and I immediately see solutions that could have resolved those excuses had action been taken. He has a decent job, and just got his UCA aid check in, yet I still haven't seen a random sum of money show up in the guise of a check on my desk. And it's been really hard to think about it, and to be friendly; especially when you know the person is going to get defensive about it. And I truly believe he's been taking advantage of me; the fact that I have a soft spot for people with financial problems. Yet I can't seem to talk to him about it because I'm too fucking nice. Yet it's a lot of money, and I've basically exhausted all of my suggestions to him on how to pay me back and there's been no success. But I got some good advice tonight. I could either be a real asshole about the situation, or I could accept that I may not be seeing most of this money for a long time. There were some other things said, but the fact about not seeing the money again really stuck. Because that's how I basically feel about the situation. Though I can sort of accept that, I'll still "bug" him to the best of my manipulative ability; which is horrible by the way. So out of all of this, I basically have three rules or conclusions. 1. Do not talk about fight club! 2. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB! and 3. Never lend or offer to lend large amounts of money to someone, especially a friend, unless you have a backup plan, such as collateral. I don't think that's too harsh. Do you? Let me know. I think I'm gonna go rent that movie now. I haven't seen it in forever. Sitting in my room on September 20, 2004 I'm waiting for chamber singers to begin at four o'clock. I have two tests on Wednesday, one in German and one for World Religions. It should be fun. I think I'm coming down with something. I've been around lots of people who have been sick so I suppose it was bound to happen. I'm really bored right now. I could be doing something useful but I don't feel like it. I'd rather be sleeping actually but I have to wait for chamber singers. There were just some noises outside my window that sounded like children. I think I'll put a bear trap outside my window from now on. Someone just came in the house, I hope it's a roommate. They're now using the bathroom. I think I'm going to change shirts, this one is hot. Sitting in my room on September 12, 2004 It's just past midnight. I went and saw Dame Kiri Te Kanawa at Robinson Center last night and it was an exquisit performance. I went with Stephanie Smittle and we had incredible seats. It was nice, and it was free too; one of the reasons I went. Moving on. Scientists now believe that pollution is causing less snowfall. Well fucking duh! I've lived in Arkansas all my life and I think it's pretty well evident the amounts of snowfall we haven't been getting in recent years is attributed to pollution. My mother use to tell me stories of the feet of snow they use to get in the 70's and 80's. That there was always a big snow and it usually lasted for at least a week or so. Now, it's pretty much nothing. The last best snow was on my birthday about a year and a half ago and even that wasn't totally great. Though it was the best birthday I've ever had, and always tell people that. Even though I turned 22. Which isn't a great "OMG!" birthday year. Anyway! According to some report, North Korea aledgedly set off a nuclear explosion sometime yesterday. Exciting. Disturbing. Choose one I suppose. Sitting in my room on September 6, 2004 It's been a long weekend, thank the Lord. A lot of bad stuff has been goin' on in the world lately. Russia and the hurricanes come to mind. Medical premiums are going up and there are a lot of Americans without health insurance. I'm one of the lucky ones with health insurance. However, I will soon become a statistic when I turn 24, for I won't be allowed on my parents health coverage. And who knows whether my fathers waning company will still have health benefits by then. But it's times like these where I realize I'm human and have opposable thumbs, and therefore I'm capable of doing something about it. But I can't go to Russia, or Florida, or enact an historical medical plan to bring all Americans the priviledge and freedom of having medical care. And I'm not an opossum. Usually, I would have something overtly inspirational to say after this, but I don't. Sometimes, when I realize that I can't change the world, I just have to move on. So, moving on. The more I watch the election unfold, the more I realize that our country needs a new party. I talked about this with Jimmy last night. You know, it would be nice to see about half-dozen people running on election day instead of just two. In fact, that's the way it use to be. Way, way, way back when. When the country was young and idealistic. I also have a theory. If we hadn't of gone to war in Iraq, and instead had finished with Afghanistan in perfecting their government and such, Bush would win this election by a landslide. As is, however, no one will ever know. Sitting in my room on September 4, 2004 It's early in the morning and I'm sittin' here alone. Not too much of a big deal. It's been a long while since I wrote anything and I've been really busy with school and other things of busy-fied nature. I didn't have much of a chance to witness the RNC because I was so busy. I saw the Jesus Christ Superstar on Thursday and had to go to church on Wednesday. And Monday and Tuesday were homework days. But I have been reading the commentary and coverage of it on the news sites; CNN, FNC, LLL, TTT, FaFaFa, etc. They're fun to read I suppose. I'm not much of a history fan, but when Republicans say they're the party of Abraham Lincoln it's sort of like saying Pat Robertson is a Democrat. Any history professor will tell you that party lines overlapped each other as they progressed into the 20th century. Lincoln was a liberal Republican and most Republicans of his time were liberal as well. If you can call someone of that time liberal. I don't know how it began but after the civil war the political parties began to overlap themselves and eventually became what they are today. They are a lot of Democrats in the south, but a lot of them are conservative. It's what is leftover from Democratic conservatism of the 19th century. And one little point of interest about Lincoln, he and his wife use to hold seances in the White House. They liked the psychic stuff apparently. And finally, about Jesus Christ Superstar. I've never felt more uncomfortable at a theatrical event then I did at this show. It wasn't the subject matter, it was the presentation. The chorus was awesome, but the only main character who actually stood out as good was the role of Mary Magdalene. The guy who played Judas was a good actor, but with a horrible voice. Perhaps if he had octavated... Ignoring the UCA production of the musical, I thought the show in general really sucked. They were a lot of plot holes. The character of Peter came out of nowhere and the random dance numbers made me want to leave. It was an obvious Americanizing of a Jewish story. Where there should have been reverence, there was scripted overacting and unnecessary scenes. I don't understand how this show was ever popular. All in all I will give a shout out to Andrew and Shaleah, who did great with the material they were given. They both had a couple of solos and Shaleah had a dance number; a dance number where I thought Siegfried and Roy were going to jump out at one point. The show also had a song with rhythm and melody that sounded like it was taken right from the old Batman series. Teresa and I got a kick out of that. My cell phone says it's August 18, 2004 I went to the doctor on Monday. I told the nurse why I was there (sleep, blood pressure), and she asked me questions and stuff. We're getting married I think. Anyway! Dr. Waterhouse came in and immediately asked me about life and depression and stress etc. I told him what was going on in my life that could be stressing me out: my parents, school, financial worries, roommates, the election. Basically, the higher number on my blood pressure, which was 170 over 90 by the way, indicates large amounts of stress. It also interferes with my sleep. But I've always had trouble sleeping, so I don't know. He put me on some medication that is for stress and anxiety and I'm suppose to take it before I go to bed. And after a month I'm suppose to go see him and see if I'm "better". Or something like that. I haven't been paying as much attention to the election lately, but I have noticed that it's been heating up. Not in a good way though. I hate smear tactics. I don't know much about the group who decided to make up shit about John Kerry's war record, but it sounds pretty cowardly to me. I decided to follow this particular "issue" closely and found out that none of these veterans actually served near or around Kerry. They just served with him in Vietnam. In the war. Not actually knowing him. What is it, 221 swiftboat men out of thousands of swiftboat personnel who served in Vietnam? You can get anyone to say anything for enough money. With the right manipulative tactics you can coerce anyone into believing these men "served" with Kerry. The power of cut-and-paste editing. Sort of like Michael Moore and his doc. I do want to see the movie though. With the amount of importance I personally believe this election holds, if you don't like a candidate, you'll be willing to believe anything negative about him as long as it holds true to how much you hate him. I don't hate George Bush, sometimes I say I do, but that's when he rolls out more policy I don't agree with. Do I think his administration suffers from corruption? Well, maybe I'll roll that out later. I do have sensitive readers. And I do think it's honorable of Kerry to condemn the ad questioning George Bush's military service or lack there-of, even though Bush didn't condemn the one questioning Kerry's. And one more thing. This is the same group who decided to smear John McCain's record. (John McCain is awesome by the way.) I guess the party lines are non-existent when it comes to winning. Gotta go. My cell phone says it's August 12, 2004 I'm going to the doctor on Monday. I'm going because of my high blood pressure and to see if he has anything useful to say or for me to do about my sleeping problems. It's sort of odd though because the past couple of nights I've slept fairly well. I think I need to talk about something concerning that though. My sleeping patterns have always been off. I can remember being a kid and not being able to go to sleep or having to take a nap after school or something like that. I've always had trouble sleeping when sleeping was necessary. My mind rarely seems to agree with my body when it's time to slow down. And oddly enough, my mind is at it's most creative when I'm tired. Don't quote me on that though. Experts say you sleep a 1/3 of your life away. For me that seems about like 1/4. I sleep at odd times because I sleep when I can get it. And getting sleep has become so important in the past few years simply because I know I don't get enough. And that's not healthy. College has made the problem worse. Before I moved in to 317 Elizabeth, I remember I use to come over here with Michael and take a nap on his bed while he stayed in the living room. He would say it was okay, but I felt bad about leaving him all by himself. Thanks Michael, you're a good friend. Anyway! I can never control my sleep and some people don't realize that. Even if I sleep 8 hours I've at least woken up 3 to 5 times during the night. And losing sleep affects my mood. I can either be completely and annoyingly happy because of the adrenaline or I can be horribly depressed or angry. I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I don't like it anymore when someone makes a "inside" comment about my sleeping habits. Especially since I've had nights where I've tried so hard to go to sleep and nothing has worked. I've beat my pillows and my bed because I've been so angry. They're okay though. I promised them I would never do it again as long as they didn't leave me. Anyway! I could go on; there's a ton of things about it I could write down, but I'll stop here. Like I said, I'm going to the doctor. |