It's been a stressful week. I had two major tests and did horribly on both of them. I'm glad the weekend is coming up so I can just sit down and relax. And, of course, go through my recital and the opera. I have to start calling people and let them know when it is. I'm not expecting a large crowd or anything, but I would like as many people as I know of that are a part of my life at the moment to see me perform. This may be there only chance. That sounds arrogant, but I mean it in a way that says, "This is important to me and I've worked hard. Please come and listen to what I've been working on for six years." Six years, shit. That's such a long time. That's like a fourth of my life.
Have peace today, March 20, 2005
Not much going on. I'm suppose to go to church today but I'm too sick to, so I'll be staying home. Today is Leah's birthday, so Happy Birthday Leah! I had something else to say but I forgot it. Good night. OH! I changed some stuff on my "About" page. I deleted some stuff and added others. So peruse, peruse! Good night again.
Have peace today, March 18, 2005
I know two journal entries in two days is simply unheard of on this site (and others) but here it is. Really it's just because I can't sleep. This has not been a restful spring break for me. I'm worried and depressed and feeling insanely lonely. Don't you hate these kind of entries? However, I do believe that Jimmy's got it worse since he basically isn't getting a break at all. He's been at the airbase all week, and I've been thinking about him even though my demeanor hasn't showed it. Jimmy and Leah got a piano that my ears desperately want to tune. I long to get a hold of it's loins and tighten or loosen them. The piano I mean. My dad can tune a piano so I sorta think I can with enough practice. At least I have confidence there, eh? And, even better, the soundboard is on the other side of a wall right next to my room so I get a mini-concert each time I hear it. Lovely. I'm at my grandfather's again by the way. Dry-wall people are coming to J & L's in the morning at 8 to fix some stuff. And I thought since I'm coming down with something I should get some rest. You know, I sort of feel delirious at the moment; unnecessary things are just pouring forth. Maybe it's the combination of Robitussin and Diazepam. I wouldn't know! I also want to say that I'm glad that the Senate didn't cut any money from Medicaid, because that's what my grandfather has. However, the House of Reps did vote for cuts in agriculture, other benefits, and, wait for it, student loans. You know, I was just thinking that my future needed to look a little bleaker. Thank you, Republicans. However, both of these budget proposals need to be approved first, so I have a chance. And the Senate doesn't want to cut education benefits, and Senators are naturally more important than their weasel counterparts, the Representatives. Or, the H.O.P.'s as we here in the ghetto like to call them. In the ghetto, in the ghetto.
"We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented with ourselves."
Have peace today, March 17, 2005
So I went to my grandpa's for a couple of days. Peace and quiet is nice. For some reason I'm having difficulty typing. It looks good but I'm having to backspace a lot. My hands are shaking; maybe I need to eat something. Anyway! Grandpa's house. Didn't do a lot but provide company. I did take the recycling to the center for him, but I watched a lot of TV other than that. I fixed his computer mouse by basically buying him a new one. I also installed a new phone for him that we found out was really cheap and decided not to work. Okay, now I'm apparently coming up with all this stuff that I did, eh? Thinking gets you places. And speaking of that, I thought a lot about graduate school while I was there. I haven't gotten any accept or reject letters that I know of yet, but I'm worried about leaving my grandfather if I decide to leave Arkansas. I've also thought maybe I'm just a coward and I've made up this whole scenario about being worried about my grandfather to have a better reason to stay in Arkansas. I always do that don't I? I constantly question my motives to make sure I'm doing the right thing. Mary Craig Caruthers once told me that that was integrity. I tend to think it's possibly my young, idiot self. Anyway! I have this weird thing in my head that in the two years that I'll possibly be gone, something will go horribly wrong and I won't be here to take care of him. But then I think if anything did go wrong it would probably be too quick for me to do anything about it even living with him or in Conway. I don't know. I've gotten use to my parents not being around, though I miss them, but I think out of everyone, I'll miss my grandfather the most. So maybe I am just being selfish. Margaret Wyatt, a friend from church, once told me that it wasn't me being selfish, but it was that old, Southern family obligation that most people here (in the South) have instilled in their brain. It's really confusing, ain't it? As confusing as it is, it's more confusing for me 'cause it's going on in my head. Maybe both LSU and Northwestern will say no and conveniently make up my mind for me. By the way, my recital is in a month: April 18, 7:30 pm. I'll talk about that later.
Have peace today, March 11, 2005
I've been so f'in busy lately I've hardly had time to sit and concentrate. I'm so glad spring break is coming up. I'm also running out of money. My trips for graduate school drained the hell out of my account, and I haven't turned my other application for my school loan in yet. Need to do that, eh? Life is stressful. I can't wait until my recital. I'm actually excited about nearly every piece I'm doing in it this time. Last time...not so much. I enjoyed the performance, but the quality and originality of the pieces was lacking. Except of course, for Charlie Rutlage. My recital is on April 18 for those of you who are counting the days. I know I am. I have to memorize some pieces over the break and polish some others. It's a never-ending process. It's late right now, by the way, and I can't sleep. Perhaps I'll talk about the book I just finished reading. When I was down in the red sticks auditioning for LSU I purchased a very expensive religious book which turned out to be one of the best reads ever. I will post the book on my "Do" page for those who might be interested. 'Cause I just have so many readers, eh? Anyway, the book made me think deeper about the prospects of the Grace of God, but in a different way. It takes the opposite view of Grace and changes it into one of God excepting all of his children into heaven. You know, I'm pretty much convinced that Jesus was a liberal. Not the annoying, pushy kind who try to shove their views down your throat, but the kind that challenges you to think and change on a level you might not expect. He challenged Jewish laws of the time period, he challenged the rich, he questioned the idea that the church was only meant for the righteous. He was a patient liberal I think. Anyway! I really don't talk much about religion on here anymore because it's become all relative to me. I read all these books and discover more and more that religion is an individualistic quality best kept between God and yourself. I discover more and more that I'm a universalist. I've discovered that the key to wisdom is keep your mouth shut when concerning statements of belief and just keep on asking questions. 'Cause like I said, it's all relative. There's more going through my head but I won't bore you. Unless you just want to write something in my guestbook and tell me how much you would love to hear my backward Christian views.
Contemplating life on February 28, 2005
So, as I wrote in the guestbook Jimmy and I made it back from Illinois safely and my audition went well. But I won't know if they really liked liked me until the first week of April. Which is cool I guess, if you're not worried about financially how to go there. Which I am. Though we were actually in Evanston the entire time, Jimmy drove through downtown Chicago for me on the way back so I got to see some awesome skyscrapers. I just love tall buildings. I don't really know why. I guess it's sort of like one of your friends liking anime or poking a badger with a spoon. You don't know why they like it, they just do. And also I think because I don't know a butt-load about it so it's more pleasing that way. I didn't exactly do a lot while I was there, however. My audition was at 4:20, so by the time I was finished I was mentally and physically exhausted. We had a great hotel in a great location. There was a mall right across the street and we strolled around a bit. I just want to say thanks to Jimmy for coming with me and supporting me all the way. He was a loyal and obediant servant the entire time. Did I say servant? I meant friend. Seriously, you're awesome Jimmy Dixon. Bunches of love to you. And another quick shout-out to Sarah and Nancy for the weekend before. Love to you as well.
Contemplating life on February 20, 2005
Well, here I am, and we're getting ready to leave the city of red sticks. It has been really great here and it's been nice to get away for a few days, even though I did just get back from L.A. and everything. My audition went well, and I sang the fuck out of Luke Havergal. I'm sure John Duke would appreciate that. I'm glad the audition is over and I'm hoping the one this next weekend will go just as well or better. I think if end up going to LSU I'll have no problem with that. Not that I ever thought I would. The city is wonderful, the school is promising and the voice faculty is extremely encouraging. Well, Nancy just finished in the shower so I better get ready to get in. I'd also like to say that it's been really awesome to have such a supportive friend come with me on my audition. Thanks, Nancy, you've been awesome. And it was also cool for Sarah to let us stay here; and Sarah was really supportive too, helping me out and showing us around and stuff. Thanks, Sarah. (Ahnuld voice) We've got to get out of here!!!
Contemplating life on February 17, 2005
I"m on the phone with my mom right now. It's been a while since I've talked to her. She doesn't want me to leave Arkansas, but I think she's convinced herself that it's time for me to move on. She thinks I'm younger than I am. I'm leaving tomorrow for Baton Rouge and it should be fun. Nancy is going with me and I'm happy to be going with someone who is supportive of my efforts. I'm trying to get my mom to come back with me to Arkansas when I leave on Sunday from Louisiana. It seems like a lost cause. Hmm... I just got some interesting news. Bingo, our family dog for 15 years who was living with my grandpa, was put to sleep about a week ago. That's depressing news, especially since nobody called me about it. You'd think...well, you know. He was deaf and pretty much blind and he had some horrible growths on his booty-hole that didn't want to go away. And he kept passing out or choking on food, so I guess it was about time. Just another reminder that everything that use to "be" in my life is now becoming something else. *sigh* I don't really know what else to say about that. Jimmy's in the living room singing along with something. I'm about to study for a big German test that's tomorrow. So long now.
Contemplating life on February 9, 2005
I apologize to all my loyal fans who peruse my website for the despicable amount of journal entries last month. I've been hella busy with grad school and choir and a whole bunch of other shit. I actually should be doing homework right now and writing a composition down on Sibelius but I'm writing on here because I feel sort of bad that I haven't in so long. Let's see... L.A. was fun but I'm glad to be home. We sang well and stuff and the crowds loved us. But it's difficult to sing in front of so many snobs so what can you say? I am quite positive I have a fear of flying now. There were no major incidents aboard the plane, but I felt horrible on all five flights we had; two on the way there and three on the way back. It was a torture that I hope not to endure for quite some time. I am also thankful for the two people I sat by, Jimmy and Keri, who consoled me and held my hand respectively. Jimmy is a Loadmaster for the Guard and he's flown a whole lot, so this was pretty much nothing to him. My audition date for Northwestern is recorded at the school but not quite set in stone yet. The voice faculty has to review my CD and if they want to hear me in person they'll let me know. If not, then all I have left is LSU, and I can't even get ahold of them. Everyone seems to be on vacation and everytime I try to call the office or the person I'm suppose to make an audition time with, they're not there. Kind of reminds me of UCA. My recital is coming up on April 18 by the way, so mark your calenders. I'm going to be inviting plenty of people this time. I gotta go.