Four weeks until school begins. I don't suppose I have much to say; it's actually boredom which has caused me to write. I need to take a shower; pertinent information for the inquiring mind. The book I've been reading has been great and I've got a few pages left. It's been conforting to have some positive affirmation for what and how I believe. Some of the views in this book are pretty radical even for me, but I've enjoyed reading it. God, this is boring to write. I can't imagine how it must be to read it. Anyway, have a good weekend. I'll write more later when my mind is up to it. Here is some mojo for my good friend Nancy. She's taking the GRE tomorrow and she's nervous, but she'll do fine. I leave you now with an excerpt from the "heretical" book I've been reading. I say "heretical" because the authors, Philip Gulley and James Mulholland, both Quakers, understand that their views are difficult to swallow for most Christians. More later, for now here it is:
"Nearly everyone believes God is loving, but there is considerable debate over the width, length, height, and depth of this love. For many, God's love is limited and conditional, offered to some and not others. They believe God's love is reserved for the elect and bestowed on the obedient. God's love beomes a reward and not a divine commitment."
Charting my destiny on July 25, 2005
I'm home in Jacksonville. I've decided that if I want or need peace, then this is the place to be. There are other alternatives, like reading a sermon on the Christ Episcopal website, or reading a book, etc. But I think when I need to get away this is the best "fortress of solitude" I can find. It's not that I try to escape reality, but more along the lines of getting back in touch with it. I think about a lot when I'm here and that helps. I went to Jonesboro to visit Nancy, Karen, and Andrew last Wednesday, and on Saturday after visiting choir campers, friends from church, and Sarah in Subiaco, I went up to Fort Smith to visit Michael. I've obviously driven a lot in the past week or so, but it's certainly been worth it. I had a good time visiting great friends, and the drives were long but scenic with an abundance of new things to look at. I love long trips through nature.
Charting my destiny on July 14,2005
It was brought to my attention that some of my last journal entry sounded as if I was referring to someone. I just thought I'd let you know that I wasn't, and that when I said "people" I meant it in a general fashion. I wasn't mad at anyone, and only the fact that I had drank caffeine caused me to analyze the hell out of my situation; so basically it was all about me. Moving on. I'm here at my grandfather's and, except for a few brief returns to Conway, I've basically been here since July 3rd. It's peaceful here and it's given me time to think about life and the future. Do you ever have a problem and you know what you have to do, except it takes someone else to tell you what the problem is and also how to solve it before you do it? Yeah, that's me. I'm the kind of person who tries to avoid what I know should be done, and then tries to find a much easier path. And that involves situations with myself and with other people. Now, this doesn't happen too often, but when it does I realize I should just go with what I know is the right thing to do. I'm old enough now to be responsible for my life, and I think from now on if I know what I have to do to achieve a goal or impact my own life in a positive way then I'm gonna do it. This makes me sound like a complete loser, which wouldn't be far from how I've been feeling since not going to grad school. Actually it's exactly how I've been feeling, but that's null at the moment. Anyway! I'm not a loser and I never have been, I just need to adjust some things with how I approach...things. It definitely won't be noticable now, especially since school hasn't started, but change takes time. So...yeah... What this journal entry has accomplished is: I've announced to the masses that I'm going to make a life change. Will I do it? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Charting my destiny on July 10, 2005
Thanks to the power of idiocy it's early in the morning and I'm still up. I should be sleeping right now and getting some rest for church tomorrow because it's going to be a long day. Behold, I am still up. What exactly caused this idiocy? Well, my lack of a brain caused me to convince myself that having caffeine after not having it for a while was okay. I was very wrong. I am off medication, having also convinced myself that the actual intake of it seemed more unstable in the long run. Therefore my brain is having trouble coping with the fact that there are no more artificial chemicals running through my body. Charming, eh? Why did I, Dr. Allison, decide that getting off the medication was good? Well, my body needs a rest as does my mind. I've actually been off it for some time; having dealt with some pretty interesting side-effects from a new medicine the doctor prescribed, and deciding it just wasn't worth it. And yes, I did "bring myself down" off it, but withdrawals are still pretty likely to occur when you take a medicine for so long. Now, moving on to anxiety. I think I have anxiety with pretty much EVERYTHING. It's not something I've ever been able to help. And for some reason, I react differently to different situations. I can be fine with some specific thing one day, and then totally stress about it the next. And it can be as simple as broken glass or as difficult and defined as graduating from school. Now some would say that it's possible these are the beginnings of some evil personality disorder such as schizophrenia. And I would tend to agree considering I've questioned my mental stability on many occassions. However, I believe that some of my mental/emotional problems have a root and are not caused by some hidden brain defect which will choose to show itself at some odd point in my life when I'll "go off the deep end." Again, however, I've chosen to hide any signs of a "root" throughout most of my time in college and it's a wonder I'm even writing about it now. No, it's nothing serious like child molestation or some traumatic event that occured while I was in the womb. It is reasonable to say however, that this is just all hereditary and in my head thanks to a mother and father who both seem to have similar situations to mine. But it's all relative, eh? No, it doesn't have to be. I have really tried hard to find out why I am the way I am, and I've always held that only through individual self-discovery is that possible. Even my doctor, who's been shoving medicine down my throat for nearly a year, suggested I see a therapist, although that wouldn't be all that individual. Hmm... Look at me being an individual! Anyway, I suppose this mumbo-jumbo boils down to practically nothing. I do know that there is a root to the problem; the problem is anxiety; anxiety leads to insomnia and high BP; insomnia leads to frustration and depression; frustration and depression leads to irrational thought; which leads to another journal entry down the road on how to handle me. Cause not many people do. I think the common reaction among my friends is to believe that I am mad at them, when in actuality I'm just frustrated with my own life. And yeah, I do tend to be more sensitive during this time and so things affect me on a greater scale. And, I also know, when I finally do come back to reality and my brain becomes peaceful again, that in the end my will is good and I am loved by a whole bunch of awesome people. However, there is even a deeper concern when dealing with that. That when I am "me" again I try to forget the other part of me. The part of me that other people talk about behind my back. Perhaps I should learn to live with my brain's "darkside" and also that it's more important what I think and how I feel about the problem. Except when I hurt someone's feelings, of course. And I say "brain" because I certainly don't believe my soul is involved in any sort of way. Which brings up an entirely different subject concering the brain and the soul. Is the brain connected to the soul, or are they two seperate entities? Why in the hell is this journal entry so long? Cake or death? Since this is really long I suppose I'll have to end with something intellectually stimulating and witty. And there it is.
Do you ever re-read your entries and realize that it's too long and involved and you want to erase it? Except that it is so long and involved you want to keep it?
Charting my destiny on July 8, 2005
For the past two or three weeks I've been waiting on a call from my mother and I received it today. She had gone to the doctor and had some tests done on her brain and we were waiting for the results. So today, the day the doctor said everything would be ready, she received the news that all the tests came back all right. I'm just really happy, and I didn't notice how stressed out I had been until my mother told me everything was good. The story behind this, is that my mom has been falling a lot for the past year or so and hurting herself. Every now and then she would hurt herself pretty badly and she'd have to go to the doctor. She's also been forgetting everyday things. So the doctor finally recommended all these tests for her to take, consisting of an MRI and sticky-pads on the head, because he was worried it might be something drastic; something like a brain tumor or an early form of Alzheimer's disease, or even one of those strange one in a million cases. Anyway, like I said she's good and I am relieved beyond words. However, there's still the case with what could be wrong with her, but at least I know it's nothing life-threatening.
Charting my destiny on July 5, 2005
I'm in Conway. My audition went fine. Mr. Itkin was once again very kind and said some nice things about my voice. He said every once in a while I sound like Josh Groban, except I'm not as nasal. Not as. I really, really don't think I'm going to get anywhere with this audition. Do you ever just know when something might be good? I've been to several competitions and auditions and I think I've learned to trust my instincts when concerning things like this.
Charting my destiny on July 4, 2005
I'm over at my grandfather's. Jennifer has gone to Canada for a month to study French so I'm left to fend for myself. Whatever that means. It's going to be a long month. Today, this nation of America turned 229 years old. I can't help but wonder what our Founding Fathers would say about the state it's in. About how the humble nation they founded has turned into the "world police." But hey, let's be positive, eh? I love my country and I'm proud to live here. I may not agree with everything the government says, but the I know the Constitution is there to balance the system. And I know that I'll get to vote again. Most people don't get a chance to vote and throw out their semi-fascist, no-tolerance, narrow minded, emotionally manipulative, "clique" of an administration. And just look at that approval rating! But it's not about the government, although I'm totally ranting, it's about the people of this incredibly awesome country. Here I am, peacefully sitting at my grandmother's old computer, writing my opinions on the internet. Freedom is about choice, and I celebrate that freedom with every choice I make about how I live my life. It's sounds cliche, but it's true. And I know that there are organizations out there willing to give there time to protect my freedom when nasty, evil people come in and try to make laws prohibiting me or others from establishing myself as a free citizen. And yes, throughout our history there have been countless laws taking away freedoms that haven't even yet been granted. A lot of those laws are now duds, but there are still others out there. America's not perfect, and I wish there was some way to integrate socialism into the capitalist system. But all-in-all, the USA is pretty cool, and it's nice to be here. I have another audition tomorrow with David Itkin and I'll let you know how it goes later.
Charting my destiny on July 3, 2005
The following is an excerpt from an essay by Anne Lamott (as is the quote on the "Index" page) sent to me quite some time ago by Mary Craig Caruthers:
...There's an old joke about a man who is being shown around heaven for the first time, by St. Peter, who walks around pointing out the various glories where people of all colors and ethnic persuasions live -- grassy hills, green meadows, still waters, symphony halls, silent spaces, steep hillsides for people who want to hike to the mountaintops, or the ponds, and so on. Then they come upon a great walled fortress.
"What on earth is that?" asks the man.
"Oh," says St. Peter, "that's where the fundamentalists live. It's not heaven for them if they think anyone else got in."...
There is much more to the essay and if you'd like I can post more, but if not I'll sure as hell do it anyway.
Charting my destiny on June 27, 2005
I'm writing this very early in the morning on the date above. And I say that because today (June 26) was a good day. It was the best day that I've had in a long time. I felt as if a great weight had been lifted and in it's place a veil of peace had been laid. It's odd as well because Mary Craig Caruthers, a woman whom I've probably emailed a thousand times with abundant questions about spirituality and dealing with life, had her last Sunday at Christ Episcopal. It was an incredible sermon and I will soon link it on the "Index" page for you to read. Church really revived me today. Considering Mary Craig is leaving you would think it would be all glum, but I wasn't. I'm extremely happy for her and I know that she'll be happy wherever she goes, and that's part of what makes me so blissful. Well, anyway! Tomorrow (June 28) is Michael Watson's birthday and I would just like to wish him a preemptive Happy Birthday! Although we did celebrate this weekend and I had a great time and I hope Michael did as well. I'm going to buy a bike today. Peace and love.
Charting my destiny on June 25, 2005
I am apathetic at the moment. I had this incredibly insightful and energetic entry all lined up to write, but I found it difficult to put together.
Charting my destiny on June 23, 2005
I was going to go to bed but people are watching a movie in the living room and I can't go to sleep. I don't suppose it's a bother; I don't have shit to do tomorrow, and I'm gonna enjoy it. My room is a mess so I'll be cleaning it, and I might just go and buy a bike. I went to the lake today with Jennifer, Andrew and Mandy and noticed that my heart did not enjoy the experience as much as I had hoped. I need some cardio workouts and a bike is the best and most fun way to get that done. So, yeah! I also jumped off some "scary" cliffs which was cool and got some sun, but not as much as Jennifer and Andrew. You know, lately every day has seemed significant. Not in that lame "everyday is precious" sort of thing, but just I feel like the date is...significant. Hell, I can't think of any other word. Maybe I'm going crazy. I was just sitting here with Jennifer when I randomly mentioned that tomorrow was going to be January 23. First off, it's random; second, I was wrong. Anyway, I need sleep, but I won't get for a bit. Perhaps I'll play a game.
Charting my destiny on June 21, 2005
Life has been good lately. My grandfather had a wonderful birthday and I'm so happy for him. All of his kids were there with their spouses and children so it was pretty awesome. He really enjoyed it. Jennifer came over that day and met my parents and they really liked her; I knew they would. I got my grandfather a microwave for his birthday. Really simple and easy to work, but new none the less. His last one still worked, however I discovered it was leaking some strange gooey substance from the back and I don't think microwaves are supposed to leak "gooey." Or anything at all for that matter. Anyway, I could sense it was a great day for him and I'm really happy for that. When you live 3/4ths of a century you deserve to have the people you love celebrating with you. Yesterday Jennifer and I went out with my mom and dad and Pa to Chili's. It was a good time. Tomorrow, I think a bunch of us are going to the lake or something. So, nothing extremely and extravagantly intellectual to speak of. Peace and love.
Charting my destiny on June 17, 2005
It's raining outside and that's awesome. Andrew Buck has a one of those livejournals now so I'm posting his link on my "Do" page. Andrew is an eloquent writer and I've always enjoyed our conversations about life and other random shit. Eloquent and shit in the same sentence, only me. Needless to say this new medicine that I'm taking is interesting. And last night I decided to drink a little bit to drown away all the silliness that's been going on lately. I got really depressed instead. I'm having lots of trouble sending in this choir camp registration form. It's so much money, and I just don't know if it's worth it. Well, of course it's worth it because it's for the kids.
Charting my destiny on June 14, 2005
Today marks one month since Jennifer and I starting going out, so there. Seriously though, it's been an awesome month and I couldn't have asked for a better summer so far. And no matter what happens I'm happy that she's in my life. My grandfather's birthday is on Saturday and I'm not sure what to get him. He's going to be 39 (75). I think I've mentioned this on here before, but every birthday he has he says he's turning 39. I'm not sure how that number is significant to him, however. He's difficult to buy for, like most men, and on top of that he says he doesn't want anything. Well, no matter what he says I'm going to find him something. I may just find something he already has at his house and wrap it up and give it to him. No, I kid, I kid. At the moment I'm on the phone, on hold, trying to make a doctor's appointment. Well, I'm sure I'll get it at some point just not in the next minute or so. Or something. I don't think she's ever coming back. Yep, I'm still on hold. Maybe someone's scheduling a really long appointment. I think she's having sex with them. Okay, I got it done. I'm going in tomorrow at 10:20 am. That's early, and since the doctor's office is in Jacksonville, I'll definitely be going to my grandfather's tonight and spending the night over there. I did make a promise to myself that I wouldn't drive today, tomorrow or Thursday since I've driven so much in the past week and a half, but I'm going to have to break it. I'm such a heel! Anyway! I'm going to go now. Zippity!!
Charting my destiny on June 9, 2005
Here we are on the second anniversary of this feeble website. It's not much, but it's my little home on the web. The whole reason I started this was because of the death of my grandmother. I needed something to do to get my mind off of it. I was with my grandfather through most of that summer, taking care of him and giving him as much company, and as much room, as possible. So when I was giving him room to cope I chose to create an outlet that I could experiment with. As much time as I had spent on the internet, it seemed fitting to jump on the bandwagon. And I enjoyed it. Basically, this whole thing is a post-it-note to all my friends and to the other random viewers. Usually nothing that they need to know, but simply a "hey, this is what I think or believe" sort of thing. And I've always stayed within the realms of reality. More than anything, I know that one day I can look back on this "Journal of Destiny" and peruse who I was at this stage in my life. And I think that when I do I'll be happy about it. I'm not going to cringe and wonder if I wrote or said the right thing. It's all good, eh? Reality can be defined many ways, but in the dictionary (or one of them) it states that reality is: the quality or state of being actual or true; the totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence; (and my favorite) that which exists objectively and in fact. But, in reality, reality is not absolute; everything is relative. Several years ago I decided I would face the world with an open mind and an objective thought process. I don't think you can live and actually say you're living or enjoying life without doing so. And if there's one thing I've stressed on here too much, it's that life is short. So, you're probably asking yourself, what does this all mean? Well, this is my reality, and if I haven't already done so I welcome you to it. Here, I offer you the best in David cuisine for you to feast your brain on. It may not be a high class fancy restaurant, but it's more like an Olive Garden or Cracker Barrel, and that's pretty good, eh? That was meant to be funny, not deep so you can smile and shake your head if you want. You know who you are! Huh? Yeah? Yeah! You know it! Now enough with the ego and the constant plug about how wonderful this site is for me. Now I want to give a completely unpretentious and heartfelt thanks to all of those out there who have chosen at some point to visit and read the journal, say hello, look at my Merritt Butrick tribute page, scan the "Do" page and click on other people's sites through it (cause you know you all do it), and those who have just simply passed by. At the time of this posting, and in the last two years, there have been 8,225 visits here. That's pretty good for this small time operation if I do say so myself. Peace and love to you all.
Charting my destiny on June 8, 2005
It's really early in the morning and the only reason I'm not asleep is because I had this incredibly odd case of painful heartburn. I'm finally getting over it. It's been going on for a few weeks but now it's gotten to a "that really hurts and I can't do anything until it stops hurting" kind of thing. I need a change of diet. Really I need a nutritionalist who can map out for me how and what to eat. Sounds exciting, eh? Life is good, though. So my father's business is starting to look slightly promising. Actually everything is great they just need more customers. They have a website now so I'm putting a link to it on the "Index" page. It's really cool what they do and so far all of their customers have been extremely satisfied with everything. I'm really hoping it takes off for him in the next year or two. So tomorrow will be the big two year anniversary for this site and I honestly didn't think I would be able to keep up with it as much as I have. You know, someone I know of who has a blog took some of his entries and made them into a book. Maybe I could get ambitious and do that. I could create a storyline and link several entries together and near the end there could be some fantastic realization on the part of my youth. People love drama.
Charting my destiny on June 2, 2005
My Dad's birthday is tomorrow; happy early birthday, Dad! No, he doesn't read this. Life is good I suppose. My audition for Mr. Itkin went rather well and I'm coming back again to do some more songs for him. I didn't have any pops/Broadway numbers prepared because I didn't get the info in time, so I get to prepare some and sing them for him later in the month or so. He made me feel really comfortable and I didn't once think I didn't deserve to be there. That's always the feeling that you hope for, but you don't always get. I've finally decided that I am going to AIC Choir Camp near the end of July. I wasn't sure at first because of how involved it is, and I was worried I wouldn't have anybody to hang out with, but I feel good about it now. I'm going to see Nancy in the musical she is in on either June 10th, 11th or 12th. If anyone wants to come with me they are welcome. Sorry this journal entry wasn't insightful, this was more of one of my "day in the life of" entries. Peace and love.