| Poetry & Prose |
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| You… (Written on July 8, 2003) You are warm. Warmth sounds so comforting But you have so many bad meanings And you come about after so much pain. You bring no warmth in my heart And I dread your return after you leave. Yet each time I feel sad, Each time I am lonely, Each time anger comes to embrace me, Whenever frustration is all I see... I have need of your presence. I desire the small comfort your small warmth brings. You, the one thing that consoles me When no one else will lend me a hug, When I can't speak for fear of your arrival even though I long for you. When I feel you lingering, poised to exist You come to me, and I despair You disappear, and I am left empty and hollowly comforted Your salty taste lingering on my trembling lips My face shining slightly and guiltily Sometimes you are the only one who understands me, You, my tears. The Porch and the Ocean (Written by my friend Heather) She sat on the porch And looked out at the view And took in on the sights Of the deep oceans blue She cried every night From this porches seat Her tears filled the ocean To the waves empty beat The salt from her tears Created the sand The place of divide Of her cries and the land She knew it was wrong But it just seems so right So she slipped out the door Into the cold stormy night She stood at the shore And cried all her tears And soon realised This would end all her fears She stepped in the water That her tears made She stared up at the moon And watched it fade She swam to the deep Where the waters deep blue And cried all her tears It would all end soon Through the surface She slipped below Released her breath And then just let go With that the dark entered And took over her mind Her body now empty And never to find What happened next Nobody will know But her soul now rests Where the oceans tide flows She now walks the waves And cries every night So lost between worlds She just thought it was right But still from this porch You can hear her emotion Her still crying soul That created this ocean Cackle Bare feet on the pavement, Last hopes thrown against the cement wall, The sun shines nevertheless, As the grim spectacle unfolds. Astonishment hovers above the matrix Horror balloons and swells up in a mushroom cloud, The sun shines nevertheless, "Have you ever heard a hyena's laugh?" I swear I heard the taunting cackle, As the panic set about, But the sun shone mercilessly, Bathing the scattered sandals, Left behind in the grass. The Private Lawn (This was not written by me, unfortunately I don't know who the author is and cannot properly credit it.) Take a step past the gate and ignore the signs. This is my private lawn and you are intruding. Your steps are hurting me, hurting my private lawn. See, even the stonefrogs have run. You have forced me to a rosy corner. This is my private lawn, and you are an intruder. Your tongue sparkles in your mouth and my tears water the begonias, my breath drives the moths away. By the minute, the grass is browning and the dirt turns to a windswept dust that piles itself into mounds at the force of the words from your mouth. Trees that have never heard words now crack at the elbows and throw their leaves down in sacrifice. This is my private lawn, blackened by your footsteps. My bed was made and my garden tended; my hair was soft from water and the dogs were fed and sleeping. The day's tasks were finished and the lawn was sighing sleepily under me as I sighed sleepily. This is my private lawn, that no one has yet dared step into. You have forced me onto a throne of broken trees, dying sparrows adorning my head. You are forcing me to hear your voice, the same voice that I came here to escape. This is my private lawn, and you are an intruder. So I spread my legs in the traditional manner, and the animals leave. The grass goes back to where it's come from, and winter comes early to retrieve the flowers for our privacy. All that's left is you, me, and my private lawn. Approaching me like an unrolling fern frond, you slide up my legs, decaying the white dress that swirled about me, like switches of weeping willows. They all fell away, to turn into more dirt. You are an intruder, and now you are the ruler. This was my private lawn, and now I don't know what I'm to do. I thought I was beautiful before, but you prove that only you can make me beautiful, and naked, I will believe anything you say. I can't see for miles for you. You rake me, tear me apart, your tongue sparkles in your mouth as you say things that tie my hands behind my head. This was my private lawn-there were signs. There were golden ocelots, like bookends, at the gate, and thousands of pink butterflies to sparkle and distract anyone who came near. This was my private lawn, but you didn't read the signs. I thought I was beautiful once, alone in my deliberation, trying to attain emptiness, clean alone, holy alone, sacred alone. Cleaning my eyes of sparkling tongues and fast fingers as I watered the philodendrons and snapdragons. By counting how many times a hummingbird could flap her wings before I could close my eyes, put to sleep for dreamless nights. Taunting of the Wind The wind Blowing so softly Taunting me, laughing in my ears Mocking me as I stare at the grim spectacle Scenes of destruction Imprint themselves on my mind A broken doll, abandoned in the street A tatter of cloth, snagged on the rough wood of a door Still the wind blows Taunting me Fluttering the piece of cloth As if to remind me of what was What will never be again Even as the wind howls With mad, crazy laughter At my expense The sun rises on this scene of devastation Never again will a piece of cloth be just that Always a broken doll will remind me Of this scene imprinted on my eyelids So that I cannot escape by closing my eyes And still the wind taunts me Still I hear it's cry Like the evil laugh of a hyena Laughing, ever mocking Taunting Always and Never Will I ever stop Running from the pain My mistakes will never be left far behind The wolves will catch up no matter how hard I run I have to face it sometime Have to let myself see what I've done Head down, concentrating on my feet Fear clutching my heart in its ugly claws I gasp for breath as pain shoots up my legs Can't keep running I need to face it sometime Need to let myself see what I've done I can almost hear the wolves Coming up behind me Snapping at my heels Their growls sending chills racing up my spine I need to run faster, can't face it Can't let myself know what I've done I start to get a stitch in my side The sharp, impatient pain Telling me to stop To slow down for the wolves to catch up I can't let them bite me I can't face anything I've done As I run away from my fears My mistakes, my pain, even my friends I hear the taunting howls of the wolves behind me When will I face them? When will I let myself turn around? The fear and anger, pain and need Etch themselves on my face as I run Burning a hole in my heart My soul will never heal from this I can't keep on running ‘Til my heart bursts from the strain I have to stop running away I can't...keep...it up I've worked up the courage I turn and face the wolves A rictus of fear and rage on my face My hands form claws as I snarl at my pain This is too much It brings me down Under the black weight The sheer anger corrupts my mind The wolves have won I faced them, and they won Brought me down under their false pretenses Their lies sting me, burn my soul My battered body lies here, broken My soul screams its pain My heart beats its last thump thump And I feel my last breath die down Listen, quickly I faced them Faced the wolves who tried to run me down I faced them and I'm dying At least the pain has faded I learned I had to stop running And I did They broke my body Always and never, they’ll break me 14 (Written October 22, 2000) Swirling white in a pool of murky brown Put more cream in my coffee please Stir it a bit more please No wait, I don't like coffee What does it feel like To finally be 14 The same I guess as when I was 13 Nothing has changed I still think the same If my thoughts are a little jumbled of late Sweet 16 is still a few years off Sweet 14 was overrated I'm still 13 inside Put more sugar in-wait I don't like coffee How many times in the last month Have I shouted out "I'm almost 14!" Why am I not so happy? Pick up the mug and take a sip Yummy, Irish cream I don't like coffee Needs more cream Can't remember things It seems like anytime I need to remember something It slips out of my hand Like a wet bar of soap Sometimes I find it on the floor A little worse for wear But usually not What was your name again? I'm sorry, what did you say? Why did I come into the kitchen? What's this knife doing in my hand? Why is my blood dripping from my wrist? Staining the green carpet a murky brown Like coffee I don't like coffee Oh dear, I'm bleeding I can't remember why Needs more cream No... I don't like coffee... I don't like it... When we danced As the sun rose early Colouring the sky Deep shades of orange and red ‘Twas when I met you As the late afternoon sun shines And the birds twitter and cheep Up in their lofty perches ‘Twas when I met you And as the stars overhead Winked and twirled And the moon presided ‘Twas when I met you So we danced to the song Of our hearts beating Rhythms intertwining ‘Twas when I lived for you When you stole my worries And sent them away On the wings of an angel ‘Twas when we danced I forgot all the worry and hurry and rush Never thought of what made me sad Enfolded in your arms that day, those days ‘Twas when I first lived Even though I never see you now My worries are still borne on the wind I still dance 'tween your arms as the sun rises and sets As the time flies, though you are gone Though your sweet ashes Lilt and twirl on a summer's breeze And you live as a wonderful memory In my mind for eternity I still dance 'neath the trees Encircled in your phantom embrace Memories of sweet nothings whispered When we lived, and loved, for each other When our hearts played a song as one (The next two poems were written for the same person...) Make me fly You make me fly Soar above the clouds Of hate, pain, despair Fly on the wings of an angel You make me sing Sing in my heart, my soul Sing with the voice of an angel Straight from heaven’s gate You make me dance Dance with the grace of a swan Flowing steps and merry laughter The laughter of an angel You make me fly Spread my pure white wings Dance in the skies far above clouds Sing my heart out just for you You see, you are my angel You are the one who helps me fly Your voice is the one I sing Your laughter is echoed in mine And we’ll fly forever Above all the pain and madness We’ll sing together Come laugh and dance with me ‘You’ (I'd like to note that this poem was written when I was... very angry. I'd also like to note that I had good reason to be so enraged, but I'd rather not explain why.) You made me fly Then tore off my wings You made me sing Then placed a gag in my mouth You made me dance Then cut off my legs You were my angel My always, my forever You broke me Now you’re my never You stole my heart I’d like to have it back Love to see red Red, red blood Your life’s blood, flowing Nail, nails In your skin Ripping, tearing Inflicting Pain Feel pain! Feel more pain Than you gave me Bleed, Sam, bleed Scream till your throat’s raw And you can’t scream once more I want your heart On a plate before me I’d rip it like you ripped mine Make you feel the pain that I feel The pain you handed me On a silver platter I had no choice but to accept it Stereotypes They say that tall is beautiful I’m short They say that blue eyes are pretty And brown eyes are soft And green eyes are intelligent Mine are grey They say that blondes Are sexy and beautiful and popular And have way more fun My hair is goldish brown But I have blonde highlights Doesn’t that make me sexy And beautiful And popular And have way more fun? Not necessarily They say that big breasts are sexy Mine aren’t They say that long legs are beautiful Mine are long for me But I’m short So they look short Oh joy They say that skinny Is material for modeling I’m skinny But they also say models Are tall There’s that short again Too bad They’re missing out on a Short Brunette With false blonde strands Eyes that aren’t Pretty Soft Or intelligent Just dull Boring grey Small boobs Long legs On a short person Make short legs So maybe I’m not popular I’m happy with my friends I don’t give a damn What other people think of me So I’m not model material I can wear heels But I don’t Cuz I am what I am And you know what else? “They” are wrong Stranger I’m a stranger Here in this body A visitor looking out Through someone else’s eyes I’m not at home because He wouldn’t speak like that He doesn’t touch me Like this guy touches this body Runs his hand through this hair Like he owns it That’s why I’m a stranger In this familiar body This walk is my walk Talk out of this mouth Is talk that I talk But I’m a stranger Stranger to this man Who somehow seems familiar Sometimes a word from him Sparks a memory But he doesn’t love me He’s a stranger in my house All he wants is this body But the one I love Wants my mind, my words, my thoughts Doesn’t he? To Sam (This was written for a then-close friend (yes, he's the same Sam in 'You') who was contemplating suicide...) I think the words every day Never thinking it’s them I never say I take it for granted that you must know Ignore the fact as your depressions grow There’s plenty to live for, plenty to laugh for Plenty to help heal your heart, if it’s sore There are things to do, places to see There are people who love you, including me This I pledge ‘til my dying day I’ll never let you drift far away Never let the pain grow ‘til it’s too much to bear Always remember that I’m here and I care My confidant, my darling, my close friend It tears me inside when I think it might end My Light, my life, my partner in crime Your life is worth far more than a dime Never quit, no matter how hard it gets Remember, the sun always rises after it sets What I’m feeling is old yet also new Samuel Joe Godman, I love you (The next five poems with quotation marks around the titles were poetry exercises, where I made poems using lists of random words.) ‘Tryst’ Under this blanket Where I give myself to you Your sapphire eyes Holding the heat Of a thousand fires The bright ribbon you sew Standing out On the drab cotton of my everyday My hands grip your silky skin And I gasp and tell all my secrets All my flowery lies Dissolve in your eyes Why do you make me Want to make caramel apples At 3 in the morning The thought giggles up As we lay, entwined, on the bed First, slip into a bath together The soapy froth Marring the perfection Of azure blue water We soak here A tangle of arms and legs Laughing I'd give half my heart That this tryst never ends Only half Because half is already yours ‘Born into’ This life As a preface A load of blather Rambling on Perhaps if we are Born Into a better world Create your own life See yourself Sold as a slave Revolt Lash out and Withdraw Inside yourself ‘Dream’ This, a living dream Unexpected Soaring on clouds Spun of silver Wondering what My future past holds Wings glittering In the false starlight Am I really here? Or am I asleep In my favourite chair Beads of perspiration Drop onto the arm Form a puddle Encrusted salt A feast for my cat But maybe I'm not asleep Perhaps I'm living this dream Flying With the moon As my sole companion This repetitive chorus Pulling me back to the dream My mind splits Like a ray of white light In a corrupted crystal prism Prism? More like prison ‘Shattered’ She glides along as she hums In the early morn before sunrise Bright hair pulled back In a ponytail with red ribbon Green eyes glittering In the innocent mist A man slips out before her Blocking her path He promises her it will hurt As he forces her to the ground To lie in the unbroken dew The calm morning silence Shattered As she whimpers He pushes her down Onto the cold, wet leaves Her screams force birds From their sleepy nests Bursting into the air As he rakes her Then slides his pants back on And shows her a cruel smile As he slips into the shadows She shivers with fright Cold, shocked, and alone Whimpering anew The sun rises Painting the sky in bright colours Betraying the morning’s horrible scene The terror she harbours inside Will never allow her To return to the innocence She formerly knew Back before he came Her green eyes Now dull, murky, shadowed Evade any happiness Her lips tight with sadness Her heart clouded with suspicion Her innocence Shattered By that man and his needs By this scene she can never forget 'Cell' Contortions Trying to break free Of this prison The prison I’ve built To hide myself from failures Pressing this notched blade Against my own throat Lavish lies spilling from luscious lips These cotton candy thoughts Glaze my inner mistakes Trying myself in this court Where I am judge, jury and defendant My soul’s extension Twisted in a strait-jacket This browning greenery Shadowing my cell’s locked door Imagined memories Of frilly cushions Wrists chafing with bonds I tied Blood staining my once pure white dress Now as threadbare as my sanity Screams catch themselves In a throat swollen with tears uncried I can’t break I’m already broken. In Reverse Sometimes Things work out so that The most wise philosophers Are the ones dancing The most famous artists Have died long ago Their genius put out With the spark of their life Sometimes Things happen so that Those with tall hearts are Ignored for their small size The hottest, brightest flames Get sealed in the dark Smoke curling around the heat Hiding the light that would Otherwise be widespread Perhaps it’s just a subtle change But everything's in reverse to me Night (The results of insomnia...) The endless hours As daylight's absence is felt Time seems to creep As you kick off the hot blankets The only thing rushing Are thoughts swirling in your mind As your tired body lays in bed The dark sky seems to weep For forgotten memories of sunshine The only way to escape From these black hours Are the dreams of a sleeper If only they would come... Jim (Adapted from ‘14’) 'Make some coffee' No please, no thanks No honey, dear, or even baby No question, just a command Yes Jim Meek reply Retreat to the kitchen to make coffee Swirling white in a pool of murky brown 'More cream' Again, command Again, meek obedience What else can I do? Stir it a bit more Disobeying would mean beating Beating means bruises Bruises means questioning eyes at work Questions lead to vicious beatings Jim doesn't like questions Make yourself a cup of coffee too, You'll need to stay awake tonight No wonder what he wants to do tonight Meekly make a cup for myself No wait, I don't like coffee What Jim says goes, so I drink it What does it feel like To be loved I had thought marriage would change everything Nothing has changed I still think the same Jim still acts the same If my thoughts are a little jumbled lately Maybe its the coffee I'm still a little girl inside Wanting love and attention Which I never get from Jim Put more sugar in-wait I don't like coffee How many times in the last month Have I winced at the raw, angry red welts 'I do this for your own good' Of course you do Jim Of course Why? Pick up the mug and take a sip Yummy, Irish cream Jim's favourite flavour I don't like coffee This cup needs more cream It seems like anytime I say something to Jim He takes it wrong and gets angry Look down at the mug of coffee Jim likes coffee Jim makes me drink coffee The mug slips out of my hand Sorry Jim, I dropped the mug No Jim, keep your belt on I'll clean it up Don't worry Ji- Bite back the screams The pain is barely bearable Grit my teeth and bare it I'll survive A little worse for wear But alive, if I don't scream Why am I being taught a lesson? I've forgotten I'm sorry, what did you say Jim? Grit my teeth harder It was just a simple question Why did I come into the kitchen? Look, there's a knife The edge is so sharp Heft it in my hand and feel the weight The serious weight of decision To live in pain or escape through pain The answer is glaring obviously at me Blood stains On Jim's green carpet A murky brown Like coffee Why does everything have to revolve around Jim And his coffee I should have had tea Twitch My fingers itch A dozen ideas Flit through my mind My eyes slide back And forth Forth and back Twitch Tongue licks dry lips Slides up from left to right Down from right to left Then slips out of sight Nails nibbled Toes tapped Fingers fiddled Twitch, twitch Indecision Restlessness Ennuie Tongue taps teeth Twitch Blink Blink Blue eyes And open again Blink Eyelids flutter then open Face the light Balance the dark Blink Green eyes Blink For one brief second Forget hate and pain Lose yourself in the dark Behind your eyelids Once again, eyes open Blink And blink again Trying to live in the dark Forever It won’t work It never lasts The darkness always lightens Then again, light always fades Blink Grey eyes Brown eyes tomorrow? Flight Arms open to the wind Fluttering and flapping On the cool air Vision like a breath of fire Flight Through the trees Above the canopy Rise and run Through the clouds On the back of a mythical steed Pegasus’ wings unfold And we soar Through the cathedrals of heaven Through the airy vaults Of sunrises and sunsets Pegasus’ wings fold And we fall Can’t Confusion Unnameable feelings Tears that won’t spill I want to be acting, a part of something I feel as if I am nothing Sorrow Unspeakable words Heartache that won’t stop I don’t know if I still like him Don’t know how to tell him Anger Undoable Actions I can’t think, I can’t breathe I need someone to talk to I need someone to cry on But who to trust Passion, Power Dancers, Dreamers Nobody, Nothing Melancholy, Moved Aching, Yearning, Cringing, Crying Screaming, Holding, Gasping, Hiding Fighting, Sobbing, Hurting, STOP Feeling as if I don’t belong Feeling as if I don’t want to Live NO! Don’t want death Don’t want life Don’t want nothing but an end to my strife Don’t want my guy Don’t want to hurt him Don’t want nothing but the lights to dim So that all those eyes All those faces All the talented, happy people Can’t see me Can’t hurt me Can’t anger me Can’t ignore me Can’t leave me out Stuck on the sidelines In the darkened wings Don’t ignore me! I’m right here I need love But not his I need company But not his I want to be a part of something But not with him But Not With Him How do I tell him Does he already know? NO! Has anybody guessed yet? If they know will they tell him? Yes No Can’t stand it I have to cry but I can’t I need the release Break down of emotions Can’t cry! Got to escape Oh look, a tear Why do I not feel relieved? Why does he have to like me so? O cross- Does he love me? O spite- Can’t he leave me? O hell- WHAT DO I DO! Untitled (Inspired by William Shakespeare’s ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’) Some do not believe in the faeries Most believe magic is naught but a fable But I, being in troth made of three Know such are as real and you or I I, see more devils than vast hell can hold There being a madman. I, see Helen’s beauty in a brow of Egypt Thus the lover, all as frantic I, more so than the other and the first With a poet’s eye, in fine frenzy rolling Do glance from heaven to earth Do glance from earth to heaven My poet’s pen forms of things unknown Turns them into shapes Gives to airy nothing a name In the night, where trucks hath strong imagination How easy is a bush supposed a bear? What fanciful visions did appear While night-cloaked faeries wandered here And this weak and idle theme No more yielding but a dream Wait (Written on December 26th, 2000, inspired by the movie 'Titanic'.) As your whole world Sinks beneath your hands Certainties prove false In your ears- The last screams of lost souls In your eyes- Nothing but freezing water On your lips- Prayers to whatever lies above The cold of the water a sharp pain Like shards of broken china Pressing in your skin China that has never before been used Fight for breath Fight the inevitable Fight, float and wait Wait to live Wait to die Wait for an absolution That will never come My Tongue (Written on December 28th, 2000) Is this sensation of twirling True Perhaps it’s my mind. Smiling feels like Snowflakes Sharps as glass Cutting into my cheeks. And I smile. It’s as if Though it’s spring Winter has come. Strange words form themselves On my tongue Though it’s my tongue They take control. ‘I love you’ But not. Strange words On MY tongue. Slip Into (Written on April 24th, 2001) Inhale Exquisite Sweetness Exhale Exquisite Release Fire racing through my lungs Can’t see Where did the sweet go? Searing pain Burning agony Slowly slip under A smoky world of fleeting fancies Where love comes without cost Where anger is a tale to frighten children A place where money is obsolete Here cupid is painted blind Slip into a world Where you dream of wonderful things And never wake up Never leave In my place you can fly Don’t you want to fly? Crumbled (Written on April 30th, 2001) All my dreams now crumbled All my hopes now gone Passions spent and time wasted Despair rising like a black phoenix Thoughts choking the mind Like a tornado, greedily sucking Then spitting out, destruction complete The rancid breath of destruction Whispering on the back of your neck Planting corruption in pure thought Evil hyena laughter Haunting Taunting Fear a choking thickness In the air A miasma of loathing Never letting up Like a pack of rabid dogs Biting at desperate heels Heels that will out run them? Perhaps on a less daunting day When the miasma is less morbid. Love’s Refrain (Written on May the 4th (be with you), 2001) Love’s refrain gone sour What used to be sweet melody Off-key and out of tune Harmony playing in the heart In the wrong chord At the wrong time For the wrong reason Slowly the sweet song Turns sinking sorrowful Condemned to be forever wrought With anger, greed and hate. With hate. A corrupted clangor of screeches A harp-string over the heart Badly needing a tuning. Rabid Dogs and Wings of Fire (Written on May 12th, 2001) I may act strong But I don’t feel it Perhaps if you had A strong enough hammer You could break my heart But not my mind It’s locked in a self-induced Prison of insanity The key is held within The locked and barred door Guarded by the rabid dogs Of fear and loathing Desperation, depression, and despair Beat at me with Wings of fire Singeing the edges of my soul I can feel the pulsing heat Making my fingers curl And my mind cringe If I could only- Hang on I hear the rabid dogs Barking Perhaps someone has come To set me free? To put out the angry Wings of fire No Just a passing shadow Untitled (Date unknown.) Here among the trees And the greenery wild Where I used to play When I was a child The tiniest butterfly Or the smallest flower I could sit and watch For hour on hour Where I walked hand in hand With innocence and peace Never thinking of a day When my joy would cease Still happy and fair I found my soulmate Someone twinned to my heart Through some twist of fate My innocence and faith He took advantage of My pure hearted trust He severed with our love Parting out ways With sour words I turned my back On the butterflies and birds Living a miserable life Of mistrust and hate Knowing every second How cruel is fate Then one day while walking Lost in my mind I came upon a place Twas a peaceful find Reminded of my heartbreak By the same wild greenery I tried to turn my back again But I just had to see Finding a fluttering butterfly I watched it and heaved a sigh With all these reminders of times of joy I broke down and began to cry Pearls of Neptune (Written on June 2nd, 2001) With pearls of Neptune in her hair And sparkles in her eyes She soared in her heart And her soul fluttered and danced She sang Bird stopped their twittering Streams stopped their babbling The wind stopped its whistling The waves paused mid-crash And she sang It was as if angels Sang their melodies through her The song almost too sweet to hear As she wove her happy tune And she stopped Nothing made a sound For a brief second, all was still Then the birds, the wind, and the water Roared back to life And she smiled And she left Taking her pearls of Neptune Anorexia (This is what's called a concrete poem, where the words form an image. The line of division between the black and white represents a mirror. It's hard to read, but the black side says 'The Mirror Says I'm Fat', and the white side says, backwards, 'The Mirror Says I'm Thin'.) |
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Click Click Pink (Written on July 7th, 2001) Pink Pink dress Pretty pink nails Pink stilettos clicking Pretty in pink Pink smile Smiling as she walked Through her house Pretty pink lady She walks from room to room Searching “Honey,” she calls “Where have you gone?” Pink stilettos up the stairs Click, click on the hardwood Click, click down the hall Into the bedroom “There you are.” Pink smile Pretty pink smile “Oh, hi there,” he says “Missed you.” “Missed me didn’t you,” she agrees “Missed me so much That you took comfort In the arms of another?” He stutters then stops “I loved you,” she states Click, click Stilettos to the dresser She slides the revolver out Pointing it at him Click, click pink nails on the trigger Click Bang Icy pink smile Click, click down the hall Click, click down the stairs Out the door Swish goes the pink dress Click, click stilettos on the driveway Pink stilettos click Poison in the pink On Fire (Written on July 16th, 2001) Choking feelings Cloying Blocking my windpipe I can’t breathe The despair I can’t see The depression The flames of my tongue Singeing my eyelashes My eyes rolling back Displaying the pearly whites My eyeballs My lips pulling back In a snarl Or perhaps a rictus of fear Lips pulled back Showing my pearly whites Can’t think The pain Can’t speak My tongue’s on fire Spill (Written on January 13th, 2003) Words spill from hasty lips I hear them looking I see them thinking "Why does she say such stupid things?" I watch myself thinking the same Tears spill from careless eyes Alone, I ponder my mistakes Solitarily sift through the day Blow up tiny errors Beat myself with broken words Silent curses Promise to stop Broken promises Did it again Dead Eyes (Written on January 14th, 2003) Part 1 Monday he looked into my eyes And told me I am beautiful Monday he held my hand And made me feel so special Tuesday he listened to me He gave me priceless advice Tuesday we started a relationship And he kissed me on the cheek. Wednesday he met my folks And made my father laugh Wednesday he kissed me softly And gently stroked my hair. Thursday I said I loved him Hoping against hope that Thursday he’d say he loves me And he did just that Friday he held my hand And looked into my eyes Friday he put an end to us And tears spilled from my gaze Saturday spent in a storm of sadness Tear-tracks down my cheeks Saturday wondering what went wrong Clutching at sweet memories Sunday I bumped into him And he acted nonchalant Sunday he looked into my dead eyes And he slowly started to cry. Part 2 Yesterday you said You saw something in my eyes A glittering piece of happy Now you’re afraid to look Because you know you’ll see Dead eyes staring back Yesterday you broke me Unintentionally shattering me With gently poisonous words. Yesterday a part of me died Today I remember The sweet times we had Today I wonder ‘what if’ Today I see your many flaws And thank you for ending it Drowning in sweet liquid sorrow Tomorrow I will smile I will be done with tears and pain Tomorrow Today is a day for mourning. I wish… (Written on January 14th, 2003, 4 days after my ex and I broke up.) I could fall on my knees and scream I could cry until I dry up I could tell you what you did wrong I could sing out my sorrow I could hit you so hard that today turned into yesterday I could just smile and forget about it I could be someone else for a while But wishes are useless Tears are forever Happiness never stays. You are what you are (Written on February 26th, 2003) Happiness slips into sight Crowd stares Smiling eyes hide Daggers of hate Crowd silently shouting scorn Veil emotions Hold back the pain Deny the truth Reality nothing but A metaphor for dream Crowd screaming silence Realization dawns Crowd loves not Cry out with pained understanding Cry out with furious fear A swirl of emotions Hides true self If this is all real How can you feel? Fear flickering Slow flame in your mind Hissing seduction Hissing corruption You are what you are. What are you? Because of You (Written May 20th, 2003) You lift me up As I fall in your grace Each breath I take Taken for you Because of you Every moment feeling love A consuming fire fanned into flame You have your way in me I give you my heart I give you my soul Every moment that I’m awake You alone I love You alone can energise me Because of you Precious jewels of pure joy Sparkle in my eyes You brought me back to life And reminded me to breathe I owe you so much yet feel no burden You’ve given me so much And I have so much yet so little to show for it Because of you My world has fallen just short of heaven When before it was simply plain Because of you My heart has glided over silver clouds When before it resided within the earth Every day you show me how to live better Simply by showing me how you love Every day I burst with joy And love And life Because of you I miss you (July 29th, 2003) I miss the twinkle I can see in your eye I miss your hand resting on my thigh I miss the gorgeous way you smile And being in the arms I’ve missed for awhile I miss the carefree way you laugh I miss being with my better half I miss the strong hand I love to hold And snuggling up when it gets cold I miss the way you stroke my hair I miss being with you, without a care I miss the wonderful way you smell And the way you make me feel like a belle I miss your hair cut so very short I miss you lending your support I miss that feeling I get from so few I miss hearing you say “I love you.” I miss you so very much, my heart Though I know I have not long to wait How it hurts me while we are apart I am not whole without my soul-mate |