| QUOTES |
| "If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -Brooke Shields As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -Weisert "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." -Anonymous "Please provide the date of your death." -from an IRS letter "I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." -Richard Nixon We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -Lee Lacocca "A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children" "The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." -Rear Admiral James R. Hogg "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." -Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." -Batman costume warning label "The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." -Gerry Brown "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony "We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover." -Parish Magazine "We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." -Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst "Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything." -Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel "I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents." -George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor "The world is more like it is now then it ever has before. " -Dwight Eisenhower ~~~~~ From 'The Stupidest Things Ever Said By Politicians', by Ross and Kathryn Petras: "Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again." -Sen. Chris Dodd (D, Conn.), on the Don Imus show, on campaigning "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." -Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C. "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." -Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.) Joey Bishop (talk-show host):Would you like to become a regular on the show? Barry Goldwater: No, thank you. I'd much rather watch you in bed with my wife. "You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy!" -President Bill Clinton, looking at the recently-discovered Incan mummy 'Juanita' "You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." -Bob Dole "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them." -President George Bush "First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." "You can't just let nature run wild." -Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska "The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." -- Mike Murphy, adviser to Lamar Alexander "I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." -- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House Dan Quayle Quotes: (during a campaign stop): I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you? Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent. "It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure." "We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur." "Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a -it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation." "It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago" "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!" -Dan Quayle on the concept of a manned mission to Mars "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." ~~~~~ "Time flies like an arow, fruit flies like a banana." -Groucho Marx "You bring me words of love and joy, while I can offer only tears." -Justin Hitchborn "One who has sense will triumph over another who has brains." -Justin Hitchborn "We scream to avoid suffering in silence." -could have been me, otherwise it's anonymous "Remember, right now someone wants nothing more than what you already have." -a Fruitopia commercial "Don't fool yourself that you are going to have it all. You are not." -Joyce Brothers "One loses many laughs by not laughing at oneself." -Sara Jeanette Duncan "Certain springs are tapped only when we are alone." -Anne Morrow Lindbergh "Not all speed is movement." -Toni Cade Bambara "Even in harmony, each voice has its opportunity to shine." -Renon Hulet "A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way." -John C. Maxwell "Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you into trouble." -Frank Tyger "No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care." -author unknown "Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught." -Winston Churchill "Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together." -Woodrow Wilson "No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another." -Charles Dickens "We miss a lot in life because we don't know when to quit, what to leave out." -Ethel Waters "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." -Bill Cosby "Make your life a mission - not an intermission." -Arnold Glasgow "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." -Mother Teresa "Few wishes come true by themselves." -June Smith "Dreams come a size too big so we can grow into them." -Josie Bisset "You are never powerless." -Jane Seymour "Do not let other people tell you who you are." -Diane Sawyer "I can live for three months on a good compliment." -Mark Twain "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -Winston Churchill ~~~~~ The following are all from an e-mail I got, so I don't know who to give credit to for them. "Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year." "How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on." "Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live." "Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open." "Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?" "Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us." "If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?" "You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person." "Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once." "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." "We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all exist very nicely in the same box." "A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour." "Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them." "Everything's okay in the end; if it's not okay then it's not the end." ~~~~~ “Love is hard, harder than steel and thrice as cruel. It is as inexorable as the tides, and life and death alike follow in its wake.” -Phèdre nó Delauney, in Kushiel's Chosen by Jacqueline Carey "It's about what you love, not what loves you." -Donald Kaufman in Adaptation (played by Nicholas Cage) "Every man dies; not every man really lives." -William Wallace in Braveheart (played by Mel Gibson) "All that is gold does not glitter." -from The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien "Hakuna Matata." -Timon & Pumba in The Lion King ~~~~~ Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here is a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%? If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%. K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% And, B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will take you over the top. But look how far ass kissing will take you: A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%. So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you. ~~~~~ I am thankful... For the wife who says it's hotdogs tonight, because she's home with me and not out with someone else. For the husband who is watching tv and being a couch potato, because he is home with me and not out at the bars. For the teenager who is complaining about taking out the trash and having to clean out his backpack because that means he is at home, not on the streets. For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed. For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends. For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat. For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine. For a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning, and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a house. For all the complaining I hear about the government because it means that we have freedom of speech. For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation. For my huge heating bill because it means I am warm. For the lady behind me in church that sings off-key and the neighbour complaining about the pool because it means I can hear. For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear. For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard. And finally, for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I'm alive. ~~~~~ 'Why computers crash' by Doctor Seuss If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall... and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! |
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