Got Torchwood - or are you just pleased to see me? By Cardinal Cox Please note :  not suitable for any small children that may have wandered in.
	We all had hopes for this Doctor Who spin-off, their own version of Angel. Indeed, that was what it turned into, never too sure of what it was meant to be. But, what happened in the episodes? 1 - The pilot. Rainy, and murders, and one of the members (who had all been featured equally in Radio Times) kicks the bucket. Plus, if Captain Jack is now immortal, are all the others that Rose brought back to life? 2 - Sex gas. Oooh, trying to be all grown-up. It was interesting that, in the build-up to the series, one of the Sunday newspapers was all "how can the BBC show this, children might watch, should be a warning" despite the fact that it was going to be post-watershed on digital BBC3 (where few people would see it) followed by BBC (again, not the main channel). And, just to make sure we knew how disgusting it was going to be, the 'paper ran photographs, where children could see them, on page three... 3 - The time viewer, and Gareth Thomas is now officially typecast. From the trumped-up charges of rape at the start of Blake's Seven to being an old rapist here. 4 - Cyber-woman. In a cyber-bikini and with cyber-high-heeled-shoes... And, we learn that the writer's favourite films are Metropolis, One Million Years BC, and Tetsuo. And Ianto hates Jack. 5 - The one that ripped-off Arthur Machen. Come-on, you could have name-checked him! 6 - Taffy Chainsaw Massacre. Failed to have any suspense what-so-ever. Gwen starts sleeping with Owen. 7 - The one my girlfriend didn't tape (so was probably the best one) and I didn't care too much... 8 - The dead team member comes back. Oh, and Ianto (who hates Jack so much) and Jack are shagging. 9 - So, Torchwood is so secret, despite having the name all-over the sore-thumb SUV, and yet this geek knows all-about them... Plus, it kind of contradicts the previous episode. Still, it was a break for most of the cast. 10 - You know the bit in Close Encounters  when the previously taken folks come out of the mothership. Or that rubbish episode of Star Trek :  Voyager with Amelia Erhardt on some alien world? Well, those were this. 11 - The Fight Club episode. 12 - The Good Night Sweetheart episode. 13 - The episode where not enough people died. Sorry, but it must try harder next year. In one of the early episodes, they had padding of Jack teaching Gwen to shoot. But, then the padding has been an occasional problem of the new Who. (Think about all the shots of computers in the one that brought Sarah Jane and K9 back.) And, while we're on the subject... The Sarah Jane adventures pilot at New Year hung together a lot better than the average episode of Torchwood...