DR. ABORTION VS PROTOTYPE

EVIL VS EVIL: EVENT FIVE

“THE MIDGET HUNT”

It was a dark and stormy night…

Roe: AGHH!!!!

Roe screams as a crash of thunder is heard, as he, along with Wade and Lil’ Proto, exit the TSOB Arena. They talk as they briskly pace away.

Wade: Calm down man, just calm down. It’s just thunder. It isn’t the sound of Prototype or Dr. Abortion backfiring an engine to run us down and kill us.

Lil’ Proto: No, this is a bad ****ing omen! The second we step out of the ****ing door of this building and “BAM” – the haunting sound of goddamn muther****ing lighting!

Roe: It was Thunder. You can’t hear lighting, only see it.

Lil’ Proto: Suck my- *THUNDER CRASHES*

Wade: We better decide which way to go quick, you know sooner or later Dr. Abortion is going to catch up with us to punish me and Roe because he found out that his girlfriend’s baby was African American.

Lil’ Proto: Yeah… but only if ****ing big Prototype doesn’t catch up with me first and beat the **** out of me for costing him the ****ing Triple-Decker, Bell ****ing Match!

Wade: Uhh… actually Lil’ Proto, I think they were supposed to ring the bell. Not **** it.

Roe: I don’t get it… why can’t we just tell the doc that neither of us is the father? I know I didn’t have sex with Ms. C. Telling him that would be a lot easier than running away from him, destined to be hunted down and caught!

Wade: No, your plan seems too complicated.

Lil’ Proto: Aww **** man! Forget that stupid ****! Prototype is going to murder me for not giving him that ****ing stupid, ****ing shiny bell!

Roe: Wait… are those trees in the distance?

Wade: Where? I don’t see.

Lil’ Proto: Yeah, it’s the ****ing city outskirts! We should get there and hide in the ****ing woods until it is safe! No one will find us in that piece of ****.

Roe: But what if it is just one of those city parks? Then we’ll be surrounded by the city, trapped on all sides, doomed to be squeezed in.

Wade: Look, nobody will even know which way we are going. They’ll never find us. EVER. And even if they knew where we were going… why would they even search for us? It would be futile! They’d just wait till we show up again and snap our necks! It would save them a lot of work.

Lil’ Proto: **** that! Enough talk… let’s get to those ****ing woods before Proto and Dr. A even notice that we’re gone!

Roe: Right… okay everybody, put your money together. How much do we have?

They all begin to empty their pockets.

Wade: I’ve got seven dollars, Canadian.

Roe: I’ve got… uh… whatever these two things are.

Lil’ Proto: A ****ing moose and gay ferret?! What kind of bitch puts that **** on their fake, Chuckey Cheese currency?!

Wade: I think it’s a deer and a beaver… which is like 25 and 5 cents… so we seven-thirty Canadian so far… what do you got, Lil Pro?

Lil’ Proto reveals that the content of his pockets are lint and a pair of pink panties.

Lil’ Proto: Heh.

Roe: I don’t even want to know why.

Lil’ Proto: You stupid ****! I got these when I was down in the ****ing Laundry Room for almost half a ****ing year!

He sniffs them.

Lil’ Proto: *drools*

Wade: Okay… so Seven-Thirty and a pair of panties is what we have. Why did you want them, Roe?

Roe: Well, it’s not much. But we can see how close a cab can take us to those woods. Unless you want to walk.

Wade: Great. Lets hail a cab!

Wade walks out towards the street, judging the trio as far enough away from the arena by now so as they can wait a minute or two for the cab…

---

Back Inside the Arena…

---

Satan’s Pimp X stands inside the TSOB ring, with an envelope in hand, following his entrance down the ramp. Everyone waits with baited breath…

Burnt: Well, we’re just a few seconds away from the announcement we’ve all been waiting for… the winner of the Rap Contest! SPX has listened to the opponent’s raps and will judge who is the baddest rapper – or should I say, most evil.

Davros: And what a comeback this would be for the Doc from DC if he pulled this off. He was trailing in this Evil vs Evil Contest of 5 Events 0-2 in the beginning. The first two events, wrestling and a Literati match – Proto took. Then in an incredibly close call, Dr. A narrowly edged Proto in the Triple-Decker Cage match. If Dr. A wins this match… it’s tied 2-2 and we’re forced into the tie-breaking 5^TH event.

Burnt: But if Proto wins – this whole thing is over now and he is unquestionably the most evil man in Wrassle[dot]Net!

Davros: Now lets see if our split screen is working…

The TV image cuts to Proto and Dr. Abortion’s locker rooms, in an Awards Show-esque split screen.

Both men are nervous. Proto is biting his fingernails; Dr. A is injecting steroids into his arms.

Burnt: And SPX is bringing the mic to his mouth!…

SPX: Ladies and Gentlemen, here in this envelope I hold the winner of the Rap-Off contest.

SPX stops for a second and thinks.

SPX: Wait a minute. I decided the winner. I don’t need a stupid envelope.

He tears it up and throws it down.

SPX: It’s Dr. A. Now shut up!

The crowd roars with a mixed reaction.

Dr. A leaps up into the air in joy. Prototype’s face turns stale. Stale like a Chevalier flash.

Burnt: Dr. A wins it! He wins the Rap-Off! It’s down to a Sudden-Death, Winner-takes-all, Fifth Event!!!

Davros: Truly amazing. The fans are going to get their money’s worth from this one – the full five!

Burnt: Well yeah, but the fans don’t have to really pay anything so…

Davros: Right. Like I said, they’re getting their money’s worth.

Burnt: Oh, I see.

---

Dr. A’s Locker Room…

---

Dr. A: YES! YES! YES! YES! I am the MAN! I AM THE FRIGGING MAN!!!

He dashes around the room, gaily prancing as if he were in Holcombe Hall at the University of Arkansas, which he isn’t.

Dr. A: In your face. I am the king of hip-hop! And now I will prove myself as the most evil with the 5^TH and final match!… Whatever that may be.

Burnt: He brings up a good point Davros. What will the last match be?

Davros: To prevent anyone from leaking that secret info, nobody knows yet… in fact, we haven’t even decided.

Burnt: Oh, you mean, like, you’re just going to flip a coin or something?

Davros: Sure, why not? It will be tomorrow though… rest assured!

The show fades off.

---

Proto’s Locker Room…

---

Proto: This is all Lil’ Proto’s fault. If I had won that stinking Bell-ringing match then I would be the champ right now. I wouldn’t have even fought in the Rap-Off then! Lil’ Proto cost me that match… and he is going to pay. I will hunt him down and kill him! MWAHAHAHA!

---

Several minutes later…

Roe: Gee, no cab yet. Strange. They keep passing by.

Wade: OH, DAMNIT! I forgot. We’re BLACK! No cab will ever stop for us! Lil’ Proto… we need you to hail the cab for us.

Lil’ Proto: F*** that s***! I’m sitting here on the curb and you can suck my ****ing d***.

Roe: Lil’ Proto, we’ve got to work together – sure we have no history or friendship, but we have common enemies in our managers. To survive we need to-

A cab pulls up.

Roe: -Aw, just forget it.

Lil’ Proto: I ****ing will!

The three hop into the cab, all fitting into the back with room to spare.

(in the most Stereotypical ethnic voice of your choice… )

Cab Driver: Where are you going?

Wade: Yeah, can we get to the woods for $7.30.

Cab Driver: $7.30 American… yes. 7.30 Canadian… no. That is only worth a stick of gum.

Lil’ Proto: S***! Hey… what if we throw in a pair of ****ing panties.

Cab Driver: Well, that is different. Let us go!

The Cab pulls off from the street, but suddenly -

RRRRRRRRR!!!!

It pulls to a stop as a crazy driver almost crashes into them.

Roe: AGHH!!!! It’s Dr. A!!!! He’s going to kill us!

Lil’ Proto: ****!!!! It’s Proto!!!! He’s ****ing going to kill me!

They look over to the oddly shaped car… wait a minute. That’s not a car! It’s Davros and his wheeled, bumpy bottom-half! He’s leaving the event and getting to the hotel as soon as possible, he’d hate for his mistress to escape the chains get bored and leave.

Davros: Hmm… it looks like those three midgets that Proto and Dr. A are so pissed off at are in there. Right… it is! Lil’ Proto, Roe and Wade… It looks like they’re running away. Together.

Wade: Hey! Is that Davros staring at us?

Lil’ Proto: It sure ****ing is!!!

Davros turns his eyes quickly, trying not to stare as ideas float in his head.

Davros: Hmm… a chase. Now that is a good idea for the final event.

He rubs his chin maniacally. With his hand, I think.

Roe: Lets get out of here, man. Before we see anyone else.

Cab Driver: Yes sir.

And they drive off…

---

In Twenty Minutes Or Less…

---

Cab Driver: And there you go… the outskirts of town. That is the entrance to the forest right there. That will be $7.30 and a pair of panties.

Lil’ Proto: See? I’m a ****ing GENIUS! You all looked at me like I was some kind of ****ing perv when you saw those panties… but it ****ing saved us all a long ****ing walk!

Roe: Right. We were wrong. Good thinking Lil’ Proto.

Wade: Well, I could have just given him the panties I was wearing if I knew he… uhh…

Both look at him oddly, and then get the hell out of the taxi. Wade jumps out last and the taxi hurries off. They there are. Alone. By the woods. Dark. Still stormy outside, the sky flashes every minute or so… but no rain.

Roe: So here we are. The beginning of our journey. The beginning of the run for our lives.

Wade: But it’s also the beginning of our freedom from our oppressors. The begging of stripping the bonds of valetship… and becoming our own men. The beginning of teamwork and trust.

Lil’ Proto: F*** that! Let’s separate. They’ll never catch us all then! If they get one of us… the others live.

Roe: It’s too dangerous.

Lil’ Proto: Quit being such a ****ing bitch!

Wade: He’s right. We better stick close. At least for now. At least until light comes.

Lil’ Proto: Right. Okay. Stick the **** together. No ****king problem. Unless one of you two tries to **** me in the woods. Then I will beat the *THUNDER CRASHES* out of you.

And the three step into the darkness of the wilderness.

…

Lights flash from the street. And a car pulls up. Oh… wait. Not a car. Davros again. I guess he has two flashlights or something.

Davros: Those three midgets crawled into the woods, huh? Well I think I just thought of the perfect final event!

-----------------------------------

-----------------------------------

8:00 AM sharp the next morning…

Icehawg, in a referee uniform, Burnt, and Davros stand in line at the Camp Wrassle Wilderness Center, next to the giant backwoods outside of town.

Davros: I didn’t even know we had this place until you guys told me. A Wrassle[dot]Net Wilderness Center?

Icehawg: Sure. It’s where we have all those Corporate Executive getaways. Barbeques, campfires, you know.

Davros cries, he doesn’t know, seeing as how he has never been invited before.

Burnt: Well gentlemen…

The camera pans over to Dr. Abortion and Prototype. Dr. A seems normal enough, except for the fact that he’s not wearing a shirt.

Dr. A: AGH! Stupid ticks.

Burnt: I see both of you have promptly responded to the calls made at 6:00 in the morning.

Proto: Yep, and I came prepared fully.

He points at a bag he brought with him.

Dr. A: Yeah, but… *yaaawn*… I barely understood a word you said. I’m never up at 6:00 AM. I was half asleep in my hotel room (read: locker room) when I picked up the phone. I only understood like every other word.

The phone call probably didn’t wake Proto up because he was up all night crying because he lost the 3x Cage Match and Rap-Off. HAHAHAHA! SUCKA!

Icehawg: Well let me explain all the rules to the both of you again… one more time. *ahem*…

Both of you have been summoned here to hunt down your assistants, Lil’ Proto, Roe and Wade. It seems that the three have now banded together. They have escaped into the vast Canadian wilderness. Davros discovered this last night and presented to us an idea for your final match. You two must temporarily put aside your differences to team up, capture the midgets, and show-

Dr. A: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I’m not teaming up with this Limey bastard.

Proto: And like I want to team up with you.

Dr. A: I bet you do, cuz you want to be with the talented man who is going to find the midgets and-

Proto: You smell funny. I don’t want to be anywhere near you, Dr. B.O.

Dr. A: Oh, I stink, huh? Is that the best you can do, Captain Evil? Well why don’t you just wrap you lips around my-

Burnt: ENOUGH!!! Come on you two.

Davros: Right. Just listen to the stipulations… hunt down your midgets… and we’ll have ourselves a winner.

Dr. A: Sure, sure. Whatever. We’ll team up.

Proto: The hell we will.

Dr. A leans over to say something to Proto, Proto backs off.

Proto: Don’t touch me.

Dr. A: Psst… just tell these losers we’ll work together. Then once we’re out of sight in the woods we’ll split up. First to find the midgets wins.

Proto: Well, I am evil. So I agree. Because I will probably just shoot you in the woods anyway when we get out of sight.

Dr. A: HA! Shoot me?! With what?!

Proto: BIATCH… I told you I came prepared fully!

He opens up his bag and pulls out an automatic assault weapon.

Proto: Yeah.

Davros: Goddamnit, Prototype. We didn’t say anything about bringing guns.

Proto: I interpreted it as you not saying anything about NOT bringing guns.

Icehawg: Proto… that better just be a paintball gun or something. Because this card has no stipulations where you may kill these midgets.

Dr. A: Well then, what the hell is the point of a manhunt? I’m more evil than Proto, I was just going to kill them with blunt sticks.

Proto: Uhh… no. Icehawg’s right. This is just a… uhh… paintball gun.

Burnt: Is it really Proto?

Proto: Sure. Red paintballs. I’ll shoot at them. And where they get hit you’ll see a burst of gushy redness. One may think that that is blood, however, they would be mistaken.

Icehawg: Gimmie that thing!

Hawgie snatches it away, much to the dismay of Proto, and inspects. He takes off the clip and looks.

Icehawg: Ahh… I see. METAL CARTRIDGE PAINTBALLS.

Dr. A: It’s amazing how technology has advanced in the paintball industry these days.

Proto: It really has.

Davros: Where I come from, those things are called “bullets.”

Proto: So? You come from Skaro, things are different around here, wheelie.

Burnt: No bullets.

Dr. A: If we’re not supposed to have guns, why are there those two lying over there?

Two rest up against the side of the Wilderness Center building.

Icehawg: Hmm… that’s a good question.

Davros: They look like tranquilizer dart guns.

Icehawg: Know why those things are there, Burnt?

Burnt: Uhh… nope.

---

Flashback

---

Crazy Ivan runs through the woods.

Crazy Ivan: NO! NO! Get away from me! HELP!

Burnt: No one can hear you… mwahaha! There is no escape. I will become the new CEO!

Crazy Ivan: I’ve got to get out of here… where can I hid-

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

Crazy Ivan: OUCH! Oh…

He collapses.

Burnt: Hahaha, to the dungeon with you, mister!

---

Burnt: No, no idea at all.

Davros: Well, I suppose they can use these tranquilizer guns then.

Icehawg: Shoot, it will make things more interesting.

Davros rolls over to go get them. He brings them back and hands them to Burnt.

Dr. A: This is so cool. We get to go through the wilderness and hunt down those midgets with guns. It’s awesome… like that story, “The Most Dangerous Game,” where that Russian guy owns a little island and takes shipwrecked people in, only to hunt them down through the jungle.

Icehawg: Oh, I saw that movie. I thought it was in the Rocky Mountains or something though.

Proto: It had Ice Cube in it.

Icehawg: That’s the one.

Burnt: Okay guys. Your guns. Proto… hand me the gun you brought, you can have it back when this is over.

Proto: *grumble*

They both pick up the tranquilizer guns and start to play with them.

Dr. A: Hey Burnt, I couldn’t help but notice, even though it is bright daylight out here you still are a shadowy silhouette.

Burnt: It’s a talent.

Davros: I forgot to say earlier, nice fatigue hat and makeup Proto.

Proto: You like? Well I don’t give a ****! I’m totally evil.

Dr. A: I’m much more evil than that.

Dr. Abortion points his tranquilizer gun right at Proto’s face.

Icehawg: Whoa there guys. Save it for the woods. Okay, it’s about…

Looks at watch.

Icehawg: …8:08 now. You guys are going to get started any minute.

Davros: Since I am the event coordinator, I will signal for this search to begin when I fire my flare gun into the air.

Icehawg: And I’m the special ref… here, wait. I almost forgot about these.

Hawgie takes two electronic boxes out of his pocket and hands them over.

Dr. A: What the heck is this crap?

Icehawg: It’s a tracker device. Once you capture the midgets… press in the code on the back and it will send off a signal to us, telling us where you are. As the ref I will be flown and dropped off by helicopter to inspect the scene and make a judgment as to their capture.

Proto: Coo. Enough of this stupid talk, though. I am ready to hunt down some dwarfs. Because I am the most evil man in Wrassle[dot]Net.

Dr. A: NO! I am the most evil man in Wrassle[dot]Net.

Burnt: Well, this will decide it. Once and for all. Ready?

They both nod.

Davros: On your marks… get set… HUNT!

He fires the flare gun and Proto and Dr. A start running to the woods together. Proto takes his bag with him – containing who knows what. (yet) It’s extra weight, but it may just help him.

Icehawg: Geez… you idiot Davros… you were supposed to fire the flare gun straight up… that was all 45 degrees and stuff.

Davros: Sorry, my arm is all crippled.

Burnt: You fired it right into the woods.

Icehawg: Is that smoke?

Davros: FOREST FIRE!

Icehawg: Aww, who cares. It’s not like WE are going into the woods or anything.

All three laugh together.

Hahahahaha!

-------------------------

-------------------------

Dr. Abortion and Proto run through the tall grass on the periphery of the wilderness and then jump into the shadows of the trees. Within a minute or so, they both disappear from any sight of the three at the Camp Wrassle Wilderness Center.

Proto: *gasp*gasp*gasp*…

Dr. A: Ha! My overwhelming steroid usage has prevented me to get as tired as you! This will be a cinch!

Proto: *gasp*… Well, at least when I catch them I won’t have shriveled testicles and backne. Oh yeah, and I won’t have syphilis either. HAHAHA!

Dr. A: Screw you. Look. We’re out of range now. Screw this “working together to find them” crap. It’s time to separate. You go your way, and I go mine.

Proto: That’s fine with me. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Dr. A: And I wouldn’t have it any other way than this-

Dr. A suddenly jolts his gun towards Proto and aims it at him. Proto quickly reacts and does the same before the doc can shoot.

Proto: Ha, didn’t think you’d catch me, did you?

Dr. A: Damn. A stand-off.

Proto: Did you think it would happen any other way?

Dr. A: Say, what’s that behind you?

Proto: I’m not falling for that old one. And I know there is nothing really behind me, because it is too clichéd in every movie and story - that when someone says that there is something behind someone, the person doesn’t believe them, when in actuality there really is something behind them. Following this, the person who didn’t believe them really gets it from whatever is behind them that they didn’t believe was there.

Dr. A: You talk too much.

Proto: You suck d*** too much.

Dr. A: Hahaha… very funny. Look, it’s Lil Proto, Roe and Wade that we are after. Not each other. Lets just go our separate ways.

Proto: Good idea. You go your separate way first.

Dr. A: As soon as I put this gun down you’ll shoot me.

Proto: Will not.

Dr. A: Will too. You’re evil.

Proto: More evil than you.

Dr. A: Not quite.

Proto: So why should I put mine down? You’ll just shoot me.

Dr. A: Okay, lets put them down together. On the count of three… one… two… three.

Neither do.

Dr. A: DAMNIT!

Proto: I didn’t put mine down because you weren’t putting yours down.

Dr. A: NO, I didn’t put MINE down because you weren’t putting YOURS down. Oh forget it…

The doc just puts his gun down, aimed at the ground.

Dr. A: See?

Proto: You’re a bigger dumbass than I thought. Nightey-night.

Proto pulls the trigger.

Nothing happens.

Dr. A: Umm…

Proto: Hmm. Now that’s interesting.

Dr. Abortion takes off like a bandit, running south down the stream through the wilderness.

Proto: Oh… OH! The goddamn SAFETY! That’s retarded!

He clicks the safety off and shoulder mounts his weapon, aiming at the doc, now some 50 or so feet away, running.

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

It hits a tree about a foot away from Dr. A, who keeps running.

Proto: Missed! Damn. I better conserve these things.

He looks inside the weapon to see that he has two more. Each only comes with three darts. One for each little person.

Proto: Well, I’ll go and pull that one out of the tree and see if I can use it again.

Prototype walks over, and yanks it out. He looks down the stream. A tiny blur in the distance is what is left of the Physician on a Mission, and then – nothing.

Proto: I think I’ll go this way!

He jumps the stream and heads down what appears to be a deer path, into the wilderness deeper.

---

Dr. A: Ah…

He stops to rest, leaning against a pine tree.

Dr. A: Good riddance to bad douchebags.

The doc questions to himself why he didn’t just shoot Proto when his gun’s safety was on after he found out. It is because he is a moron, the doc determines.

Dr. A: Streams have water… and midgets, much like real human beings, need water to survive. They definitely would have stuck close to this stream, I think.

He begins to scour it, looking for anything. Something left behind, a footprint in the mud, cracked twigs, anything to indicate the possibility that three midgets may have recently passed by here.

Dr. A: I am the tiger… I am the hunter… roar, and stuff. Yeah, this rulez.

---

The rising sun begins to shine in their eyes, causing them to awaken from the leafy blankets that they made for themselves the night before…

Roe: *yawwwwn*

Wade: Oh, hey Wade. You’re up.

Roe: Yeah, I had this crazy dream where… oh hell… we’re in the woods. Never mind.

Wade: Is Lil’ Proto awake yet?

Roe: I dunno. I’ll check… HEY LITTLE PROTO, ARE YOU AWAKE YET?!

Lil’ Proto: Zzz…*AGH*… What the? **** you! I was having a ****ing good dream where Elisabeth Hurley and me were ****ing and then-

Wade: Look, we’ve got to get up and keep moving.

Roe: Ugh. What time is it?

Wade: The watch says it’s about 9:00. I have no idea how far we got last night, or even which way we were going.

Roe: There is a way to tell, right? Doesn’t the moss always grow on the left side of the tree or something.

Lil’ Proto: ****! He’s right!

Roe: What? Right? Okay, it grows on the right side of the tree…

Wade: You morons, left and right change depending on which way you are facing. I think moss faces… umm…

Lil’ Proto: Which ****ing way are we even trying to go?

Wade: South. I hope.

Roe: So what way looks like it is South?

Wade: How about… umm… this way.

Lil’ Proto: Sure, it looks about as good as any other ****ing way! You stupid ****ing idiots!

Roe: Hey, I’m not as pleased as punch to be in this mess with you anyway.

Lil’ Proto: Yeah, I bet you’d rather be at home eating ****!

Roe: Not if your mother was there.

Lil’ Proto: THAT’S ****ING IT!!!

Lil’ Proto lunges at Roe, and Wade jumps in and gets between them.

Wade: Teamwork guys, teamwork. If we want to escape – we have got to work together.

Roe: Screw this. We don’t need to get away from anything. I bet no one is even looking for us.

Lil’ Proto: Yeah! How the **** would they know we even got into the ****ing woods!

Roe: Really, I mean it’s not like Davros, who almost ran into us last night, tailed us and followed us to the woods to see what we were up to, and then went back to the arena and told everyone a great idea he had for the fifth event – which would be for Dr. Abortion and Prototype to hunt us down and capture us in the woods.

A sudden and chilly silence falls over all three of the little people.

Lil’ Proto: OH ****!

Wade: Thanks for jinxing us Roe… I bet that’s exactly it.

They hear a twig crack in the distance… as if someone was walking…

Wade: Duck! And be quiet!

The three fall to the ground, the silence that surrounded them before comes back.

It is a strange silence, for there is much noise. The sounds of crickets and birds chirping, the distant sound of running water from a stream (perhaps the same one the doc is walking down), the knocking of a woodpecker’s beak against wood, the swaying of the trees in the soft wind. But no human sound, other than the heavy breath that the three can hear from each other; and they hope cannot be heard from more than a few feet away. It is an eerie silence, full of noise.

Ugh…Jesus Christ, is this a fruity novel?

Roe: Just keep down and shut up.

Lil’ Proto: Then stop ****ing talking, bitch

Wade: Shhh!!!

There they lay. It has been just a minute now, but it feels like so much longer.

Roe: It was probably nothing, lets go.

Wade: Just give it another minute.

Lil’ Proto: A million ****ing things could have caused that ****ing noise. Lets walk slowly, lay low, and shut the **** up!

He starts to slowly pick himself up to his full height, which for midgets counts and laying low. He then starts to walk off in the direction opposite from which they came to sleep the night before.

Roe and Wade follow.

---

Dr. Abortion is digging. Digging like a World War I soldier entrenching himself. But he doesn’t have a gasmask. A wrassler with a gasmask is lame.

Dr. A: Ugh… so tiring…

He wipes the sweat off of his brow.

Dr. A: It’s a good thing I only have to make this hole like 5 feet deep to trap these midgets. I don’t know how I’d do it with an ordinary trio of men.

He pushes the dirt away with a medium sized log he has been using to burrow into the ground for the last hour or so. Yeah, time is flying by.

Dr. A: There… all done.

The pit has grown deep, up to his chest, about. He climbs out of it and looks for some long sticks.

Dr. A: There… I’ll lay these fragile sticks across the hole lengthwise.

He does so, and about an inch separates one stick from the next. Then he starts to take grass and leaves and place it atop the sticks. He’s covering up the massive hole to make it look like regular ground.

Dr. A: They’ll never see it coming. Ha! One or more of those little midgets will walk by, walk into it… the sticks will snap and collapse… and then I have a trapped midget in a hole!

He looks up into the tree for a minute, contemplating whether or not to sit up on a bough and wait.

Dr. A: Naa… I’ll just come back here later and collect my midget or midgets when the time is right. The hunt continues!

And Dr. A walks off, making sure not to step into his own trap. Which would be very predictable.

---

Prototype reaches a stream and sits down, taking his bag off of his shoulders to rest for a minute.

Proto: No luck so far, but those midgets can’t escape me for too long. I mean, how big could the Wilderness really be?

He opens up a bag and has a looksie inside. He pulls out a little black bottle.

Proto: Mwahahaha! I wonder if this is the same stream Dr. Abortion was on earlier. Well, he better hope that he doesn’t have to drink from it!

He empties the bottle into the water. The black liquid disperses downstream and becomes unnoticeable. What can be seen though is…

Fish: *Swim, swim, swim*… *dies*

Proto: Hahaha… the poison works. Not only am I evil by trying to kill Dr. Abortion or those midgets by tainting the water, but I am also destroying the precious eco-life of this area, and it’s possibly rare and endangered animals that rely on the water of this stream.

A cute ‘widdle deer comes walking up to the water and has a sip.

Deer: *dies*

Proto: AH-HAHAHAHAHA!

He goes into his bag again and pulls out a canteen and drinks – this will be his source of unpoisoned water.

Proto: Enough rest! There are little people to hunt down and kill… err… I mean, tranquilize and let live. Yes, that is it.

Prototype gets up and heads into the trackless wilderness, making his own new path.

Proto: Oooo… what’s that in the distance? … No! It couldn’t be?

I guess we’ll have to find out what it is later.

---

Lil’ Proto, Roe and Wade feel secure that the noise they heard, now quite some time ago, was nothing at all. Their walk has taken them another mile or so, who can really tell?

They reach a thickly wooded ridge. For now, it will be an impasse.

Roe: Well, we can’t go down that way unless we make some kind of rope out of all the vines.

Lil’ Proto: **** that! You guys do it. I’m going this way.

Wade: No, remember that there is safety in numbers. Look guys, I think we’ve been tackling this problem in the wrong way.

Roe: Go on; explain.

Wade: Ever since we left the arena, our whole idea has been to put distance between us and Prototype or Dr. Abortion – possibly the both of them.

Lil’ Proto: No s***!

Wade: We have plunged along, spurred on by panic and fear. Now we have reached this ridge, it doesn’t seem like there is any way around it. We have to get a grip on ourselves. We must use this opportunity to stop, and take stock of our situation and ourselves.

Roe: What do you mean?

Wade: We’re running out of places to run… and we are the hunted.

Lil’ Proto: Of course we’re the ****ing hunted! We’re smaller and they’re ****ing going to kill us!

Roe: Are you saying we should try to find a way to become the hunter?

Wade: No, not yet. I don’t think any of us three has the resources yet. But look behind us! Just look!

All three do. There is nothing but woods, long tall grass and mosses, towering trees which only give a hint of the sun that now must be getting pretty high in the sky, bushes and vines fitting themselves anywhere that they can.

Lil’ Proto: There isn’t s*** behind us! Not one mother****ing thing! What the f*** are we supposed to look at?

Wade: Our tracks.

And that is highly noticeable. The untouched woods look exactly the same, except in the distance. The path which they cut through is obvious. The grasses are lower, the bushes are crinkled and stepped on, limbs have been torn clear of the way, the mosses in the dirt are sullied.

Roe: There is nothing we can do about that. We ran out of path. This is the woods. We had to make our own.

Wade: I know, there is nothing we can do about leaving tracks… but there is something we can do to confuse the people following them.

Lil’ Proto: Wait… I think I know what the f*** you mean. Like… we run around every ****ing way, and have the trails overlap and s***.

Wade: Right. A complicated trail through the wilderness. Somewhere along the way we’ll find a spot where we know our tracks can be hidden… but we won’t just use it… we’ll keep blazing a trail for a mile or two more, and make the trail look like it leads somewhere else.

Roe: Then we’ll double back?

Lil’ Proto: **** yeah! Then when they find our ****ing tracks… they’ll follow around the loops and turns and s***. Then our tracks will just ****ing end somewhere, headed off in the wrong direction because we doubled back. But they won’t ****ing know that s***! So their bitch ass will go the wrong ****ing way!

Wade: Right! Exactly! What a plan! Lets go!

And the three midgets go off together, purposefully leaving a clear trail behind to follow - stomping a little harder than they stomped before, displacing more foliage and undergrowth.

It would be quite boring to describe every plant they smash, and every direction they turn, for an hour or so as they forge their false trails. It is quite repetitive and such. But they execute a series of intricate loops; they double on their trail again and again. At one place in the wilds they make a figure 8… at the center point where the trail meets, any person following the tracks would have three options of which direction to go, excluding the way they just came. But will it be enough to elude Prototype and Dr. Abortion permanently?

Roe: Hey guys! Look! A stream! I’m thirsty!

Roe runs over to go get a drink.

Lil’ Proto: Don’t drink that filthy ****! You’ll get syphi… uh, okay. Drink.

Wade: All right, just be careful. You never know what is in the water.

Roe goes down to drink and…

Roe: *slurp*

…

Roe: Mmm… the taste of algae.

Nothing. No poison. It’s either a different watercourse than the one Proto poisoned, or it is upstream from it.

Wade: Well, I’m a bit thirsty too, so…

As the two drink, Lil’ Proto thinks.

Lil Proto: This can be where we ****ing trick them. If we follow the ****ing water, staying inside of it with our feet, all ****ing wet and s***, then we won’t leave any tracks.

Wade: Right. So we’ll continue to make a path up that direction for quite some time, then at a confusing point… like when we reach a trail we made earlier, or an incline or something, we’ll just double back here, and head the exact opposite direction that the trail we make goes, down the brook.

Roe: Lets go!

And so they embark on the final stage of their plan of deception.

---

Dr. Abortion comes briskly running in the direction of the path. He hides behind a large bush. Not bush the idiot.

Dr. A: Oh yeah… I heard it! I heard it! I got em’! I know I got them!

He leans over from the bush, looking towards the pitfall he set along the path earlier. There is definitely some commotion coming from it.

Dr. A: GIVE UP! I’VE GOT YOU KNOW, MIDGETS!!!

He jumps from behind the bush running, with his gun aimed forward. He halts in his tracks sharply as he sees a horse half in the pit, and one pissed off guy in a red uniform.

Royal Mounted Policeman: DID YOU MAKE THIS HOLE?!

Dr. A: Uh… no.

RMP: Look at this… my horse got trapped! It probably broke it’s leg in the fall! I can’t get it out… and when I do, it will probably have to be shot! You better have a pretty good explanation for what you are doing- hey… wait. Drop that gun!

Dr. A: Uh oh.

The doc thinks off what to do, real quick.

Dr. A: Hmm… only three darts. They are too precious. So… uhh… SAY, Mountie guy…

He puts the gun down and stretches his other arm, only to snap a branch off of a tree and bludgeon the man in the back of the head with it.

Dr. A: Hahaha… that’s for screwing up my trap, you big dumb Canadian muther-

Suddenly something catches his eye… it’s in the distance.

Dr. A: Well, gotta go.

Horse: *Nay*

The Physician on a Mission runs towards a track he sees in the thicker grasses.

Dr. A: Yes! YES! There is no path here, but someone left these tracks. It looks fresh too…

He puts his head down to the damp dirt below, and finally spots a footprint.

Dr. A: HA! Size 4! I am the hunting honcho, mo fo! And it is just a matter of time before I find these stupid midgets, dart them, and press these buttons right here and have them chopper me my victory and trophy for being the baddest, most evil man in the whole of Wrassle!

He follows the tracks with a new vigor and happiness in his step. He thinks he’s close to victory. Is he?

---

Proto: Aww… you’ve got to be goddamn kidding me.

He cuts through the last of the brush and finally reaches the object that he saw the top of in the distance. It is exactly what he thought it was.

Proto: Now who in the hell would live here?

A little old house sits there, in the middle of the woods. It seems like more of a large shack really. The wooden frame has turned from brown to a sort of dingy gray. It looks old, possibly abandoned for quite some time.

Proto: I wonder if anybody lives there. Maybe they have a map.

To the right, he notices a trail that leads from the door into the woods.

Proto: Hmm… or maybe… Lil’ Proto is here. If I found it… he could have. It seems safe enough. But not while I’m here!

He creeps up to the door very slowly, but it really is a wasted effort of silence because…

*KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK*

Proto: Hello? HELLO? Any midgets there? I have CANDY… umm… not candy with diseases in it either. Er… just forget about the candy. I don’t have any. It probably wasn’t a good idea to say that, it’s not like it would make you want to come or… oh f*** it!

He kicks open the door and takes a step in.

The rackety old floor creeks as he walks.

Proto: OOO! A refrigerator!

He runs to it and opens it up. It’s cold, but nothing is in it. He notices the hum of a power generator.

Proto: Well, it is very not cool that there is nothing to eat or dri-*GASP*

He notices three cans sitting on the table. Three cans of Dr. Pepper, Proto’s most favorite soft drink. He picks up the first can and drinks.

Proto: *PPPFFFTTT*… Ugh… this soda is too hot. It’s been sitting out here, all tepid.

He goes for the second can.

Proto: *PFFFFTTT*… this can tastes like piss! In fact, I think it just may be.

Prototype grabs the third and final can of Dr. Pepper, he can feel that this one just came out of the fridge within the last hour or so.

Proto: *gulp*… Ahhh… how refreshing! This can is just right! I’ve got to thank whoever owns this place for the refreshing soda. Thank them with this gun. Hahaha!

He walks over to the only door inside of the little house, leading to what is probably a bedroom. He opens up the door.

Proto: *cough* OH God.

He closes it as the stench of a rotting, bloody blond girl who lay dead on the floor, fills his nostrils.

Proto: Wow. That was messed up. It looks like she got mauled by a bear or something. I’m getting the hell out of here.

He grabs the remainder of his cold can of Dr. Pepper and walks out the door.

Proto: Yeah, and I’m going to litter this can when I’m done with it too! HA!

He heads off into the trail through the woods that he saw earlier.

---

The three midgets have followed their little stream through the wilderness for quite some time. But now it comes to an end.

Lil’ Proto: Oh ****!

Roe: What? What's wrong? Do you see Proto or Dr. A up ahead?

Lil’ Proto: No, but we just ****ing ran out of stream to follow.

Wade: What? It can’t just end! It has to go somewhere!

Roe: It does. Look.

And as Wade comes to the front he sees it… the stream empties out into a big pond.

Lil’ Proto: So are we ****ing going to find a way around it or just sit here with or d***s in our hands?!

Roe: Come on, lets get going around it.

Wade: -NO! Come on. It can’t be that deep. It’s just like a little lagoon or something.

Lil’ Proto breaks a stick off a tree and jams it down.

Lil’ Proto: About three ****ing feet!

Wade: See. It’s not that deep!

Roe: Yeah, but you’re not thinking Wade. 3 feet… that’s got to be, like, 6 midget feet deep!

Wade: Midget feet?! Please!

Lil’ Proto: F*** this. I saw “Stand by Me.” I know about those ****ing leeches. I’m going to get one on my d***!

Wade: No you wont, look… if we take the water, we’ll leave no trail at all. It’s not that far over to the other side. If we can get to the other side, they’ll probably never catch us.

Roe: Fine, you go then.

Wade: I will!

And he steps in the water.

Wade: See… nothing to- AGHH!!!!!!!!!

Roe: OH NO!

Lil’ Proto: Serves you right, you ****ing bitch!

Wade: Haha… just kidding.

Wade starts to… *hehe*… wait… let me say it… *snicker*… he… he… he WADES through the water. HAHAHAHA… Oh God, I kill me.

Lil’ Proto: Say, why don’t you ROW through the ****ing water?

Roe: Very funny.

Roe reluctantly follows in, and is up to his neck in water. Most hesitant, Lil’ Proto finally follows in last.

Lil’ Proto: I swear… if I ****ing find a leech on my d***…

Wade: You won’t, don’t worry.

Roe: Say, this isn’t that bad. I mean the water is kind of cold, but other than that-

And they get across, and to the other side.

Wade: See? Nothing to worry about at all!

The three come out soaking wet, and stand still for a few minutes, letting the excess water drip off.

Roe: Wow. We stink.

Lil’ Proto: You’ve always stunk, you smelly little ****!

Wade: No guys, I don’t think that’s us… it smells a bit… smoky.

They look up towards the sky. A think haze of gray covers the heavens.

Roe: Lets get out of here.

---

Dr. Abortion follows the path… and comes to an intersection of 4-ways.

Dr. A: Wow… another one of these 4 way thingies. Those dumb midgets sure are retarded. They must have been running around in circles or something. Ahahahahaha… Oh God, I am so much smarter than any of them!

Then his laughter suddenly turns into a frown, with snarled lip. Like Billy Idol.

Dr. A: Unless…

…This is the same intersection I’ve come across 3 times before and all I’m doing is going around in giant circles!

The doc blows his fuse and starts stomping angrily.

Dr. A: AGH!!! THOSE MORONS BACK-TRACKED! They were too stupid to fall for my plan to hunt them down! Grrrrr!

Dr. Abortion ponders where they could have backtracked to… and starts heading in that direction. He sees a ridge… the ridge where the three little guys stopped earlier to discuss strategy.

Dr. A: They must have gone down there. I don’t see any tracks, but the woods are less dense. I swear I will murder them for this. *ahem*… “Oh, I’m Sorry Icehawg, I didn’t mean to aim the tranquilizing dart into his eyeball socket and straight into his brain!” Yeah. That’ll work.

The Doc jumps down the ridge. The drop was too much for the midgets, but nothing for him. Especially after the drops he took from the second level of that Triple-Decker Cage match with Prototype.

Dr. A: *ooof*… say! What’s that over there? Too tall to be a midget… unless they’re standing on top of each other.

He starts to jog over. Not to catch up, but because he saw a spider web and he’s all girlie and afraid of them.

Dr. A: There it is… it’s a… OUTHOUSE?!

The doc goes up to it and examines it.

Dr. A: Hmm… why would you put an outhouse here? I mean… it’s the middle of the woods. You could just crap anywhere. Unless this place has toilet paper. Oooo… let me me see…

Before walking in, he leans his gun against the side of the outhouse. He then walks in and slams the door shut.

Dr. A: (echoed voice) Hey! There is toilet paper! Well, I did wake up early this morning and that always makes me have to go… and if it’s here, why not?

---

5 Minutes Later…

Dr. A: Ahhhhh!!!!

He steps out of the outhouse.

Dr. A: *whew*… boy can I stink up the woods. Hahahaha. Oh man. Lets get going.

He walks off, having the strange feeling that he forgot something.

Dr. A: Hmm… now what did I forget to do? OH wait! I remember!

ZZZZZZIPPPP!!!

He zips up his pants.

Dr. A: How silly of me.

He walks off, assured that nothing else has been left behind.

---

A little bit later…

---

*crack*… *crack*…

Proto: What’s that?!

*crack*… *crack*…

Proto: Someone is walking through the woods. It has GOT to be those midgets! Or maybe a bear. Hmm… I think I should get up in this tree here.

And Prototype grabs onto the bark and pulls himself up…

Proto: Silent I shall stay, and when those midgets walk by… *WHAM*… I’ve got em!

Voice: *whistle*…

Proto: Come on… just a little further… a little further and…

Dr. A: *whistle*…

Proto: Damn… YOU!

Dr. A: Huh? AGH!

He’s not so much scared as he is just really surprised by finding Proto dangling in the tree. Proto jumps down.

Dr. A: I bet you’ve been following me this whole time, huh? You knew you couldn’t find them on your own… so you leave it up to me - the expert sleuth!

Proto: Pffft! You wish, you evil is just my leftover scraps.

Dr. A: Well, when I find those midgets, you’ll retire in shame because your name will forever mean “second most evil,” to my amazing most-evilness!

Proto: You’re lucky I’m trying to keep all three of my tranquilizing darts, or I’d shoot you right now.

Dr. A: You already shot one, DOUCHEBAG!

Proto: I got that one back, homo. And what are you going to do? Shoot me with your NO darts?!

Dr. A: What do you mean?

Proto: Where did you lose your gun, Docta?

Dr. A: What the…?

He looks down. Nope. He looks on his back. Nope.

Dr. A: OH CRAP! I left it leaning against the Outhouse!

Proto: Huh? There is an outhouse in the woods? Hmm… well, I guess since there is a house in the woods.

Dr. A: Say… look at that Dr. Pepper can lying there. Did you litter that?

Proto: So what If I did?

Dr. A: Look, I’m headed back to find my gun… I don’t need you following me around. So when I find Roe and Wade, don’t be all crying to your mother.

Proto: Well, when I find Lil’ Proto, don’t be all crying to your right-palm girlfriend.

Dr. A: Pffft… you wish. I am the chick magnet. They are just addicted to pure evil guys like me. Not marginally criminal guys like you.

Proto: Why don’t you shut up and get los- *sniff*sniff*… do you smell smoke?

Dr. A: Stop trying to distract me. Now you made me forget my witty comeback for whatever you were going to say.

Proto: No, really.

Dr. A: I don’t have time for this. I’m finding my gun.

The doc walks off. Proto contemplates capping him one dart in the butt, but he wants to save one for each of the midgets. Plus he’s confident that Dr. A is going the wrong way.

Proto: *sniff*… damn. That is smoke. I bet Lil’ Proto started a campfire and messed up. Or maybe he just engaged in criminal arson for the fun of it. He is adorable like that.

It brings a smile to his face and a tear to his eyes.

Proto: No… wait. What am I thinking?! I’ve got to kill him!

He runs off in the direction of the smoke.

Proto: Oh man! There is a big, stupid pond right here. I’ve got to get around it!

He spots a moose on the other side.

Moose: *moose noises*

Proto: Shut up or I’ll shoot you.

---

Roe, leading the three, cuts through the brush.

Roe: LOOK! That way! That’s definitely a forest fire!

Wade: Oh man, why did we ever think running into the woods would be a good idea? It’s retarded! We should have just stayed in the city and blended in, they would have never found us!

Lil’ Proto: But we didn’t have enough ****ing money to stay anywhere! Our stupid bosses keep all that **** and we get nothing!

Roe: I know; it’s no fair.

Wade: Well hurry guys; we’ve got to get out of these woods, pronto. Unless you all want to burn up.

Lil’ Proto: ****!!! PROTO?! WHERE?!

Wade: No, I said “pronto.”

Lil’ Proto: Oh, Thank ****ing God.

Roe: Wait… I think I see light.

Wade: Yes! Up ahead! We may be saved!

And they run… they notice it is an opening to no trees… an opening to the end of the wilderness.

They leap out of the forest with the same force and determination that they entered it with the night before… and see:

Davros: Pass it! Pass it here!

Icehawg: I don’t think so, OH! Interception!

Davros: You Canadian hobo. You shouldn’t even know how to play football… go play hockey or something.

Burnt: Sorry Davros, He’s just taller than you, man.

This little small portion of the EC is playing catch with a Nerf Football. In the background is the Wilderness Center and a waiting Helicopter. And even further in the background is a giant forest fire.

Lil’ Proto: You’ve got to be s***ting me.

Roe: Is that Burnt, Icehawg and Davros?

Wade: It sure is! And this is… like… Camp!

The men in charge notice the three smaller guys walking up.

Burnt: Hey look!

Icehawg: It’s those midgets!

Davros: HEY! HEY!… You three… COME HERE!

They start to trot up.

Wade: What?

Burnt: Neither Proto or Dr. A found you guys?

Lil’ Proto: F*** no!

Davros: Odd. Because after I almost ran into you last night, I tailed your taxi and followed you to the woods to see what you were up to, and then I went back to the arena and told everyone a great idea that I had for the fifth event – which would be for Dr. Abortion and Prototype to hunt you down and capture you in the woods.

Roe: I TOLD YOU SO!

Wade: No, you jinxed us so.

Lil’ Proto: But neither of those bitches ****ing got us! So we win, right?!

Icehawg: Nope. I guess whoever gets back to camp first and finds and captures you guys wins.

Burnt: Yeah. They have dart guns, by the way.

Lil’ Proto: GUNS?! S***!

Davros: Well it hardly matters. Not for a while, at least. Here. Sit down. It’s lunch time. Check out the bitchin’ grill we have.

Roe: Ooo… hotdogs!

Wade: I’m hungry!

Icehawg: Eat away. It’s the least we can do because you three will probably be shot and forced into servitude later.

They don’t know whether to be happy or sad by the last remark. But they head over to the picnic table anyways.

---

Dr. Abortion angrily stomps through the woods, and yes… he does have his tranquilizer gun again.

Dr. A: (grumbling to himself)… “Where did you lose your gun, doctor?”… “You masturbate with your right hand, doctor.”… Geez that Prototype. He’s lucky I left by gun behind. Because I would have shot him right there in the tree… and he would have fallen asleep right there, and then an eagle would have built a nest on him, and pecked out his eyeballs to feed to the little eagles. Then we’d see who was so tight, thinking he was all funny talking about eagle soup in one of his raps. Well, it obviously wasn’t as good as ‘funk the EC.’ Yeah…. And then vultures would swallow his flesh. Big Stupid Prototype.

*sniff*sniff*…

Dr. A: Hmm… I smell smoke. Proto tried to tell me this earlier… but it was obviously a lie. So now he sets a real fire to try to trick me. Well, it’s not going to work.

He thinks for a minute.

Dr. A: On second thought, it may work. Because he could burn the whole woods down… including me and the midgets. AGH!!!! I’ve got to get the hell out of here!

He starts booking it North, hoping to get out of the woods through the only way he knows how – Camp Wrassle Wilderness Center. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t realize he’s moving towards the fire.

---

Prototype emerges from the pond, a little damp.

Moose: *moose noises*

Proto: I said shut up! Damn this Canadian wilderness. *sniff*sniff*… Oh. There goes that smoke again.

Proto wonders for a minute why, upon their last meeting, Dr. Abortion didn’t smell the smoke, which grows stronger by the minute.

Proto: Hmm… Maybe Dr. A did smell the smoke, only he pretending not to. I wonder why that could be. …*GASP*… He must have set the forest fire! He’s really trying to prove that he’s more evil… but it won’t work. Sure a crippling forest fire is evil, but surely not more evil than poisoning the water and stealing a refreshing beverage from a dead girl!

Scanning through the foliage for signs of midgets, Proto sees a bright orange flame and smoke coming from his left side.

Proto: Well, I’m not going that way, obviously. Saaaaay…

He notices wet leaves, and a besmirched path through the woods.

Proto: Those stupid midgets must have come this way! I am so totally hot on their trail that it isn’t even funny! Well, it is a little bit funny. Because I am about to laugh. Bwahahaha!

He follows the path.

---

Dr. A: BWAAAAAA!!!!

Dr. Abortion jumps through the air, shaking his leg vigorously to put it out…

Dr. A: STOP! DROP! ROLL! … STOP! DROP! ROLL!

He falls to the ground and turns around over and over again in the dirt, until he rolls into a scalding hot rock, which leaves a first degree burn on his arm.

Dr. A: AGHHH!!!! OW OW OW OW! HOT!

He hops to his feet and takes a breath.

Dr. A: Here we go again… 1… 2…

He jumps over a burning bush, but not the kind of burning bush that prophets see, and keeps running for his life on the fringes of the forest fire, which he cannot seem to escape…

Burning Bush: Wait Dr. A! You were meant to be redeemed and have your soul saved and turned to the light… the second coming is near and you have been chosen to tell man that… oh… well, forget it. I’ll go find Stormfire or Gentleman or someone and have them lead mankind now…

Dr. A: AGHH! HAIR! HAIR ON FIRE!

He pats out his head, saving the small amount of hair that he had in the first place.

Dr. A: At least my goatee is safe. AGH! NO! My goatee!!!!

He smacks his face over and over to end the searing flames.

Dr. A: Ow… Ooo… eee… ahhh… why did I decide to do this shirtless? That was retarded! OW! And another tick! Take this, sucker!

He plucks it off and throws it in a fire engulfing an ash tree… ironic, no? Seeing as how it is being turned into ashes?

Dr. A: Wait… this is safe here! I’ll dive into this!

And he dives!

Dr. A: Ha! No fire here buster. Just good old vines. Good, old, not-on-fire vines. Good, old, not-on-fire, three-leaved vines. Good, old, not-on-fire, three-leaved vines that are poison ivy.

He jumps out of the vines itching himself… he sees his body starting to turn a bit red. That’s right – fast acting poison ivy.

A fiery limb falls from a tree within a few feet of Dr. A, scaring the s*** out of him.

Dr. A: That’s it! I am out of here!

He jumps over a stream which he hopes to be the one he and Proto came across when they first entered the wilderness. Then he charges towards a light he hopes to be Camp Wrassle.

---

Lil’ Proto: So who the **** started that fire?

Davros: Oops… that was my fault. Nothing to worry about though. I read a book that said forest fires are natural, and are needed every few years for rebirth and growth.

Icehawg: Uhh… so are you going to sit there all day or just talk?

Roe: Oh. Sorry, Icehawg. Got any 8s?

Icehawg: Go fish.

Burnt: Ooo! My turn! Wade, got any 4s?

Wade: Shucks, I do.

Prototype emerges from the shadows of the forest.

Proto: DAMN! I messed up… this path is useless. I’m back at this stupid thing with Burnt, Icehawg and-… uhh…

His eyes light up.

Proto: …And Lil’ Proto with Roe and Wade! HAHAHA!

He aims his gun.

Simultaneously, and also at the same time…

Dr. A: AGHHH!!!!!

Lil’ Burnt: What the f*** is that?

Wade: Its just screaming. Say Davros, any 10s?

Davros: Go fish, biatch!

Dr. Abortion jumps out of the inferno of the woods, with his pants on fire.

Dr. A: Ow… oooh… iee… ah… oh…

He looks up to see the midgets, and his eyes light up too. He starts running towards them.

Proto: What the? Oh, I don’t think so…

Proto, coming out from the opposite direction of the woods surrounding the center, starts charging.

Roe: LOOK OUT! It’s Dr. Abortion! That’s where that screaming came from!

Lil’ Proto: NO! Look the **** over there! It’s Proto!!! He’s going to ****ing kill us!

Burnt: I’m outta here.

Icehawg: Me too.

Davros: Try not to get shot too much.

The three get away from the picnic table area and walk off. The other three jump up and quickly start running as fast as they can.

Roe: *gasp*… *gasp*

Wade: *breath*… *breath*

Lil’ Proto: F***… S***!

Dr. Abortion and Prototype continue the chase, with all the adrenaline they can possibly produce kicking in. This is it… the winner of the Evil vs Evil Match. 4 out of 5 matches down… 1 to go.

The rap-off, the literati match, the triple decker cage match… all the work that went into it for one of these men will be all for not. One likes to think we can all be winners, but that isn’t how the world works. Dr. A or Prototype is going to go down one poor bastard.

Lil’ Proto: *gasp*… If they… get… ****ing one of… us… then they… *gasp*… can’t get the… ****ing others!

Wade: Right!… *breath*…

Wade clips Roe up.

Roe: WHOA!… Aghh… no!

Dr. Abortion and Proto flock in…

Dr. A: Sweet dreams.

Proto: **** off and die!

They both shoot at Roe with their guns.

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

Both darts connect at exactly the same time. Roe collapses.

Dr. A: I GOT HIM!

Proto: NO! I got him!

Dr. A: FINE! Have him!

The doc starts running again, this time after the other two.

Proto: Damnit!

Proto gives chase, ignoring Roe. They can always come back later.

Wade: *gasp*… sorry buddy… time for you to go down now!

Lil’ Proto: No ****ing way!

Both try to push the other down, in order to make the other trip and get left behind. In the fighting, both fall to the ground. Both are screwed.

Dr. A and Proto both stop, shoulder, and aim.

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

Lil’ Proto: Ah… S***!

Lil’ Proto gets knocked out, with Wade laying right there under him. Again, both darts seem to hit simultaneously.

Dr. A: Damn! Wade is blocked! Lil’ Proto is on top of him!

Proto: I can’t get a shot on him either. You know, doc… It’s a race now. We can’t shoot him from here, so the first of us to get over there is-

*FFFFFPPPPTTTT*

Dr. A shoots Proto in the neck while he’s talking.

Dr. A: I don’t think I want to shoot Wade.

Proto: AGH…

He puts his hand to his pierced neck.

Proto: You sonofa bi….

*THUD*

Prototype collapses.

Burnt and Davros are suddenly overcome with the urge to call what they see, as if it were play-by-play.

Burnt: And now Dr. Abortion is running back towards the unconscious body of Roe! He picks him up! OH! He’s dragging him!

Davros: What a turn of events! Who would have ever thought that the hunt would have ended right here in front of our very own eyes and not in some dark corner of the woods? The burning, fiery woods! Which isn’t my fault, by the way.

Burnt: And he’s dragged Roe over to Lil’ Proto and Wade! Lil’ Proto is out of it… and Wade is pinned under him! OH! And now Dr. Abortion tosses Roe right onto the pile!

The doc closes his eyes, and gasps for breath one more time. He then sits.

Burnt: He’s sitting down on top of the pile of midgets! I think… yes… Icehawg sees it! IT’S OVER!!!

Davros: Dr. Abortion is the most evil man in Wrassle[dot]Net!!! [official]

Icehawg: Phooey. We gave them those tracking devices… and I wanted to ride in this helicopter. And they just HAD to come back here!

Burnt: OH! And Dr. Abortion collapses right there on top of the pile of midgets! Amazing… his body just turned off

Davros: This will save us all from a long rant at the end of the match, in which Dr. Abortion proclaims that he is more evil and brags endlessly to try to impress us all.

Burnt: It was a great five matches though! A great effort… or should I say, maliciously evil effort was put up by both of these men. In my book… they’re both total a**holes!!!

And that they are.

The End.