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Reworking a good, old joke: what is the least used sentence in the English language?

Wow, how did we get by this long without Don's thoughts on the home version of Password???

Knock it off. You got here somehow din'cha? Anyhow, when somethin's not right it's wrong (Bob Dylan, You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go, 1975.)

Password seems like it should be a good game. The tv show was fun; why shouldn't that transfer to the parlor, with a few good friends? Well... in my experience, there are some big problems. Never fear, though - where there are problems there are solutions. And here I am.

The first problem is: it's fundamentally a lousy game. Instead of fun and frolic, it's a lot more likely to give rise to hurt feelings.

"How come you didn't say HOT when I said COLD???"

"Well, you shoulda said DOG or TAMALE!!!"

And when a player does give a certifiably brilliant clue -

"What else could MANUFACTORY possibly be but PLANT???"

it's almost as likely to give the answer to the opposing team as to his own. Very peculiar... Imagine your 30-foot jump shot or 500-foot home run winning the game for your opponents!

It's not unthinkable, I guess, that there could exist a bunch of happy-go-lucky, laughing-and-scratching, don't-give-a-hoot-type folks for whom the above problems wouldn't arise. Still, there are some small problems with the rules as supplied with the game.

The first concerns valid clue words. How close can a Clue-word be to the Pass-word without being illegal? Their rule is dangerously vague: "No part or form of the Pass-word may be used as a clue." For instance, CHEMIST can not be used for CHEMISTRY, nor STEAL for STOLEN.

No problem with those examples, but a troublemaker might try something like LIGHTS or LIGHTING or LIGHTNING or HOUSING as clues for LIGHTHOUSE, arguing that they're not a "part or form" of LIGHTHOUSE. Or someone may argue that his Clue-word STRAWBERRY is not a part or form of STRAW, etc.

All that's needed to tighten up this rule is to say something like, "the Clue-word and the Pass-word cannot have any basic parts, etymologically speaking, in common."

I would stipulate that Clue-words must be related to the Pass-word by meaning. They cannot be given for the sake of any similarity in sound to the Pass-word. One might argue that such a rule isn't necessary, because how would a player know that a word is being given for its sound? But I definitely remember instances of people working hard on the synonyms getting upset when a clue giver - same team or opposite - starts in with rhyme word shenanigans.

Notice the boxtop rules don't allow for theatrics like tugging on your earlobe, although I know I remember some big gestures on the tv show. Allowing charades to slip into your Password game is a sure-fire formula for disaster! This applies to the dragged-out-rising-pitch-quick-cut delivery that signals "fill in the blank here." To avoid rhubarbs, deliver all Clue-words in a generic monotone.

Having ironed out the Clue-words, remember that there is another issue of closeness to deal with. When is a guessed word close enough to the Pass-word to be eligible for a second guess?

Again the supplied rules are just a little too vague. "If a FORM of the Pass-word is given as a RESPONSE, the responding player is given ONE CHANCE to correct the word to the exact Pass-word." The problem is, what is a "form" of what?

I propose that the guess and the Pass-word have to appear under the same entry in the dictionary to qualify for the second guess. Notice that this is a much, much tighter connection than what it takes to make a Clue-word illegal. Here we're talking about an extra or missing ending like -s, -ed, -ing, -er (comparative), -est, -ly, -ic, and maybe a few more. Guessing LIGHT or HOUSE definitely does NOT qualify for another shot at the Pass-word LIGHTHOUSE.

Notice that these firmed-up rules depend on a dictionary - something that was not originally a part of Password. Proper nouns were acceptable and, in fact, added some flavor to the game.

I hate to do this to you, but we must limit the Password word set to something like that for Scrabble. Proper nouns are out. They ultimately cause too much trouble. Watch a bunch of formerly-friendly gamesters get testy when somebody starts to argues, "But ARF-ARF was the little dog in a story I read once!"

There, I've done my best to make Password problem-free. In the process, I had to stomp the life out of it. Oh well, no matter. I don't even have a set any more. After the last rancorous round with some friends 20 years ago, I came home and tossed the whole darn box into the fireplace.

STOP PRESS!!! After writing my web page about how to fix the rules to a variety of games to make them more fun and friendly, it occurred to me that the guidelines should work very well with Password. I also found an old Password game, dated 1966, at a yard sale for a quarter, The following new rules have been road-tested, and work pretty well.

Make yourself comfortable in a big, old raggedy circle. There are NO teams.

Give everybody his own card with a batch of Pass-words listed on it. Write your name on your card, so you can use the same one in future games.

Go round and round, each person taking a turn as Clue-Giver.

The Clue-Giver gives one Clue-word at a time, up to a maximum of 5 Clue-words. He writes each new Clue-word in bold letters on a piece of paper in a list. (Number them downwards from 5 to 1. This is for scoring.) He announces the new Clue-word and displays the list simultaneously - with an exaggerated flourish, if he's a ham. The list removes the need to memorize all the Clue-words. That's not what Password is about. It can get confusing with all the wrong guesses you hear, plus words you considered as guesses in your own head.

Whenever someone wants to take a guess at the Pass-word, he slaps his knee (hands, table) rather than yelling it out. The Clue-Giver acknowledges the first person to slap, who must be ready with a guess.

If the Guesser is right, both he and the Clue-Giver receive points. Remember that the Clue-Giver numbered the Clue-words from 5 down to 1 as he added them to the list. When someone guesses correctly, the guesser and the Clue-Giver each get that number of points. Thus, both players get 5 points if the Pass-word is guessed on the first Clue-word, 4 points if it's guessed on the 2nd Clue-word, and so forth down to 1 point if it's guessed on the 5th and final Clue-word. Notice that these rules discourage a certain kind of Clue-Giver from giving dumb clues to jerk everybody around.

If the Guesser guessed wrong, he gets no points and is out of the guessing until after everyone has had a guess at that Pass-word. This makes it very interesting. You want to guess early in order to beat everybody else, and to get the most points. BUT, you want to wait until you're pretty sure of the answer.

It may be useful, and fun, to mark the people who are temporarily "out" by having them put on a hat, gag, etc. Games are ruined by people who can't keep from giving more guesses after they're "out".

The opposite problem arises when you get down to the final players who are too timid to say anything, while everybody else who is "out" is bursting to give an answer they figured out from further clues. When this situation arises, maybe the Clue-Giver can call on any "out" player of his choice for an answer, awarding him one point if he is right.

When a Guesser guesses wrong, the slate is wiped clean for everyone who may have slapped just after him. They are not forced to give an answer - which may have been the same as what the Guesser who was wrong just said. As soon as the Clue-Giver says "No" to the answer, the slapping may start again. Or, the surviving players may prefer to hear the next Clue-word.

If everyone eventually guesses wrong, then everyone is back "in" and eligible to guess again (under the same rules as before.)

If you're all a bunch of "serious" players (this is what the world calls people who like a game to be smooth, fun and problem-free rather than dumb and argument-inducing), you could implement a challenge rule. A player may challenge what he thinks is an illegal Clue-word, such as for being a proper noun, hyphenated, two words, etc. If the Challenger is right, the Clue-Giver loses 2 points. If the Challenger is wrong, he loses 2 points himself. In either case, play continues. When the Pass-word is revealed, someone may challenge a Clue-word for being too closely related to the Pass-word.

Whoo-wee, what a bunch of fun! Aren't I glad I gave Password another chance?

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