Now write your wills.
More and more students are disappearing from campus. At first this was attributed to Gems 103 related suicides. However, this photograph presents a more horrifying reality.
Small woodland creatures, with ballistics, are blasting the University of Maryland populace into Kingdom Come.
This one photograph is all the evidence we have obtained, as several field agents were beheaded by squirrel soldiers. One man bravely made it back with this one picture, before he too fell. The grim reality is after years of deforestation, the squirrels are taking it personally.
This past semester has seen unheralded escalation, as the squirrels are also making college girl disguises and trying to seduce men under the name "Shannon" So, guys be warned, if girls named Shannon are stalking you, you just may become the next statistic...