rebelgemstonesquirrels3

The Squirrel Problems Overseas

London, England --

Reports have recently surfaced of organized squirrel attacks in London.

The common gray squirrels and the less common red squirrels of England have apparently joined forces. In recent weeks, the number of squirrel attacks on humans and human establishments has risen by an eyebrow-raising 3,400,298,787,233, 610,791.23%. While this number only corresponds to 5 new attacks, it has been enough to raise squirrel attacks from a previous ten year low.Squirrel attacks now number more than earthquakes, volcano eruptions, meteor strikes, and incidents of platypus indecency combined.

The officials of the City of London, confused by the statistics that RGT brought to them, nevertheless wasted no time in mocking them. One London administrator, whom we will call "Mark Dale" for the purposes of this article, said, "This is absolutely ridiculous. There is no way platypus indecency has fallen that low. Just last week I saw a platypus exposing himself in Trafalgar Square. Your statistics are complete fabrications in the good parts and outright lies in the bad parts."

That may be. But according to one internal Parliamentary document, "the squirrel issue is one we cannot afford to ignore. Our analysts believe that these attacks are only the beginning, that it is a symptom of a larger, possibly worldwide, squirrel movement....We are of the belief that this is a cell of an international terrorist organization. They may be seeking recognition for the wishes of the Nation of Squirrels and Other Small and Underrepresented Mammals (NOSOSUM). In this case, we can soon expect a demand for the independence of the westernmost portion of Wales."

As of now, the government maintains that no such demands have been received, and the London insiders RGT spoke to say this is true. Upon further investigation we learned that Wales has long been a hotbed of squirrel politics. Squirrels and humans have freely intermingled in Wales for centuries. Most believe that there is an underground network of squirrel sympathizers among the residents of Wales. Indeed, Welsh, the Old English knockoff which is still spoken in Wales, sounds very similar to squirrel speech in many ways. It is not uncommon to see an elderly Welshman conversing with squirrels on the town commons or at a pub.

RGT's analysts agree with the British Government's analysis: the squirrels are organizing for a serious international campaign. If we do not prepare, it is entirely possible that we will be speaking Squirrel in two years. For now, we suggest ignoring the squirrels and avoiding calling attention to yourselves. But make sure you are ready for the day when they finish collecting their nuts and machine guns and take to the streets.

- By Chico Henrico