Dirty Jokes

Something You Just Can't Explain
Perfect Wedding Night
They Are In The Shower
No Arms
Underwear
Three Wishes
Oh Baby
Leroy
Anything $100

Something You Just Can't Explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....

Perfect Wedding Night

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."

His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"

They Are In The Shower

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

No Arms

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

Underwear

There was once a villager who got engaged to a girl from the neighboring village. One day he decided to walk there and visit his fiancée. So he asked his mum to go and buy some material to make him some new underwear since he had been wearing his for 3 months.

His mum bought 5 meters and made two pairs for him with 2 meters leaving 3 meters spare. He put on his new underwear and his best kilt (skirt) and set off for the next village.

When he was half way there, he needed to go to the toilet, and took off his underwear, and hung it on a tree so as not to dirty it. When he was done, he forgot to put his underwear back on.

When he got to his fiancée’s house, he sat opposite her so as to show off his new underwear. The girl looked shocked. When the man saw her expression, he thought she was impressed with his new underwear, and said, "Do u like it? I have another 3 meters at home.

Three Wishes

One day, an old woman was sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy, old hound, Rex. Suddenly, a genie appeared, startling the old woman.
"Old woman," the genie said, "I felt sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I decided to grant you three wishes."

The old woman thought about it and said, "Well, I've always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess."

*Poof* The genie turned her into a young, beautiful princess.
The princess thought some more and said, "A princess should live in a castle, so could you do something about this old shack?"

*Poof* The old shack was tranformed into a huge castle.
Again the princess thought then asked,"Shouldn't a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?"

The genie looked around and spotted Rex.
*Poof* Rex was transformed into a handsome Prince.
"Well, my work here is done," the genie said and he disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The princess gazed at Rex the handsome prince and felt heart beating rapidly for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Rex, the handsome prince, strolled up the the beautiful princess and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms and cried, "Take me Rex! Take me now!"

Rex then whispered in her ear, "Bet you're sorry that you had me neutered now!"

Oh Baby

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."

"Yes; yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?

Leroy

Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!

Anything For $100

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house.

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