The History of Hell House
Follow 8 young men as they fall into damnation
It all began when DAVE and TIM, high school buddies from Appleton, Wisconsin, chose to live together in the dormitories at the University of Wisconsin - Madison. As was their want, they chose room #666 in Ogg Hall's Leith House and from the first day of that fateful school year, the residents of that room (L'Inferno)have been referred to as the Lords of Evil. Next door, in room #667 (Il Purgatorio), lived ROB, a faithful minion of the dark lords in all matters of biology and finance. Room #668 (Il Paradiso) housed the near angelic vision of JOE, the most Aryan man Wisconsin ever produced.
Here many tales of wonder and amazement occurred around this room, as can be seen in any 1501-1502 issue of PRAVDA!, the Leithuanian newsletter. The most famous adventures were:
- A Handful of Nathan
- Pound Until your Neighbors Pound Back
- I'm Fat and Ugly and Nobody Loves Me
- The Secret Woman
- The Flaming Boxers
Hell House I
The next year, these four lost souls, along with fellow worshippers of the dark, TERRY and NATHAN, moved into a flat together on the east side of campus in the first Hell House! Their landlord was KEN, a man who was never seen sober by any member of Hell House. Ken was a worshipper of the false god Jack Daniels, and as such could not find his ass with both hands and a compass.
Here in Hell House, each had his own room in which to carry out any personal brands of debauchery he might be partial to. Rooms were assigned based on their individual thought processes, so Dave, Tim as Terry lived in the front half of the flat as the "Cocks" and Rob, Joe and Nathan lived in the rear of the flat as the "Assholes." Above the Lords of Evil and their minions lived seven angels, pure in mind and body (sort of). After seducing most of these women over to the dark side, the men eventually moved on to new conquests. They include:
- Sick in the Bathtub
- Rob's Playboy Subscription
- You Saw Ken Doing What?
- The Cardboard Box (or Another Secret Woman)
- Platonic Sex
Hell House II
Having gotten the ludicrous idea that they could somehow try to escape their fate, Nathan and Tim left the confines of Hell House. Nathan moved in with a pair of temptresses, in some perverted "Three's Company" scenario. Meanwhile, Tim (not fully able to give up his ties to his fellow Lord of Evil) chose to move in with Dave's not-quite-as-evil twin, ERIC and the surviving members of PSYCHO HOUSE to form STUMP HOUSE (a.k.a. THRASHER HOUSE).
So, Choosing to restructure their ways based on the unholy pentagram, the remaining two Cocks and two Assholes recruited DENNIS, a "Long-haired Freak" into the group and relocated to the west side of the UW campus. This time, their landlord was BULLET BOB . Bob was an down-home intelligent man, but the rest of his family was a few cans short of a six-pack. Once mistaken for a homeless man, BOB JR's intelligence forever made his father known as "Head Bob" as he became known as "Ass Bob." Next door lived the six members of SLACKER HOUSE (friends of PSYCHO HOUSE from Witte Hall), who were forever corrupted by their association with the men from Hell House. The tales of Hell House II were many:
- The Stolen Bike
- Locked inside the House
- Hauling Ken's Ass into Court
- The Secret Woman from Iowa
- Is that Dave's Gay Friend?
Hell House - Houston
After that year, Hell House members seemed to lose their focus, as they went their separate ways. Terry chose the take a job with the university and so, be trapped in the black hole that is Madison forever. Nathan switched majors so that he would stay on his personal six-year plan for graduation. Joe, Dennis and Rob threw away all they had been taught by, at various times, attending the University of Illinois (Damn FIBs). Tim fled the country in disgrace and attended a college in Monterey Mexico, and after a semester of residing at Slacker House with his not-quite so-evil twin Eric, Dave accepted a job as an actuary in Houston, Texas. The Hell House Era, it seemed, was over.
Suddenly, Tim regained his senses and rejoined his fellow Lord of Evil as Hell House is reborn. After two months of living in Dave's living room, Tim convinced his satanic counterpart to move with him into a two-bedroom apartment, where they would have twice the potential for evil.
Eventually though, Tim felt the need to return to Mexico and spread his "Gringo Evil" into his adopted nation until captured by the Zapatisdas. In came former Nebraskan, JIM, finally falling from grace after working with Dave for nearly two years. He soon moved on to another insurance firm to spread the filth. After a year, Jim moved out and got himself a cat named Dave the Devil Cat. Human Dave finally got a date, ending his reign as a true Lord of Evil. Jim's life however, is still hell, so together, he and the new Dave can continue the cause as second generation Lords of Evil.
HELL HOUSE RESIDENTS
|DAVE||666, HH1, HH2, HHH||Actuary at American General Life in Houston, Texas. Now that he's married, can he stay evil?|
|TIM||666, HH1, HHH||Chemical Engineer in Germany. Recently deported by U.S. authorities for "soiling the women of the nation."|
|ROB||HH1, HH2||Grad Student at University of Illinois. On the national waitlist for a face transplant.|
|JOE||HH1, HH2||Grad Student at University of Illinois. Planning an armed invasion of the Playboy Mansion.|
|TERRY||HH1, HH2||Network Administrator in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Now sees that he must go to Appleton to get hot chicks.|
|NATHAN||HH1||Teacher in Madison, Wisconsin. Misses the gang life in Roxbury.|
|DENNIS||HH2||Computer Geek in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Found out it is the cesspool everyone says it is.|
|JIM||HHH||Actuary at Central United Life in Houston, Texas. Still infected with an acute case of "Good Friend Syndrome."|
|DAVE THE CAT||HHH||The most evil cat ever born. Is this the Anti-Christ Dave and Tim predicted would come?|