THE RULES OF LIFE

  1. DON'T PANIC!!!
  2. Ice is civilization.
  3. tragedy + time = comedy.
  4. Save Kool-Aid points.
  5. A quitter never loses, and a loser never quits.
  6. There is no Rule #6.
    Never trust someone who carries a lighter but doesn't smoke.
  7. love is chemistry, sex is physics.
  8. Don't sweat the small stuff.
  9. It's all small stuff.
  10. Life is uncertain, eat dessert first.
  11. The worst thing you can do for your musical career is have MTV call your video a Buzz Clip.
  12. Military Intelligence. Jumbo Shrimp. Teaching Assistants. Rap Music. Christian Scientists.
  13. Never, EVER go to the "Help" screen.
  14. The Moral Majority is neither.
  15. Laughter: the best contraceptive.
  16. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
  17. There are two reasons for everything we do: 1) a good reason, and 2) the REAL reason.
  18. Statistics DO lie.
  19. The more you hate a song, the harder it is to get it out of your head.
  20. Whoever said "you can't have everything," never tried.
  21. When someone asks you if you are a God, you say YES!!!
  22. See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. Have no fun.
  23. Sometimes "priceless" means WORTHLESS.
  24. Good liars have good memories.
  25. Don't laugh when an Englishman tells you he's "stepping outside for a fag."
  26. Life is like smoking; people keep saying they'll quit, but they never do.
  27. White people commit all the bizarre murders.
  28. The most brilliant professors make the worst teachers.
  29. Life is like a box of chocolates...overpriced.
  30. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man wise, but socially dead.
  31. Adding a "hint" to a homework problem makes an easy problem hard, and a hard problem impossible.
  32. The only unnatural sex is no sex at all.
  33. The best doctors and lawyers don't HAVE to advertise.
  34. Beauty may be only skin-deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
  35. The only difference between a church and a cult is how many people are in it.
  36. Anybody who drives faster than you is a maniac.
  37. Anybody who drives slower than you is an idiot.
  38. Things that go away by themselves can come back by themselves.
  39. Always save the best and worst for yourself.