Dr. Games' Guide to Love & Marriage (abbreviated)
Things to consider ...
WARNING: THIS SITE IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT. Of course, it was never meant to be.
I have happily concluded my days of dating. I know what I want and am working towards it. Enjoy the humor below.
If you have ever been in a failed or failing relationship and want to get some perspective and maybe even a chuckle or two in the process then this is the site for you. This is not a rave against a psycho ex or exes. This site is a collection of humor and insights from a variety of sources. Some of the insights will apply and some won't, but they can all offer perspective.
One caveat before jumping into this, generally I receive very positive remarks about my WWW pages, but the one area where I occasionally get a raving, angry review is this guide. I suggest the following. If you find the page funny and insightful then it has provided value to you, and it has served a purpose. On the other hand, if you read something and you find yourself becoming angry, think about why it is making you angry. I suggest that this page might be even more beneficial to you. There is probably something there that you either want to talk about with someone (significant other or professional) or that you need to take a few deep breaths and do some serious introspection.
This page can be extremely useful if it allows you to see how your actions might be seen by your partner. Just something to think about.
I'm actually a big believer in marriage, but you do have to go into it with open eyes. Here are some things (some "tongue-in-cheek") to ponder.
Give them what they want rule: From Dr. Games' guide to Romance, "when you talk about security and safety for men and women, they are a little different. Women crave transparency. One of the things that I recommend is to have the men share their entire calendars with their lady friends. Why? Are the women really interested in the work schedule? Perhaps not per se, but they generally are interested in what their men are doing. It just feels safer. Men crave respect. If you are a lady, tell your man how you respect his fathering skills. It will make a world of difference to him ..."
Micro-economic rule: If you're spouse brings in $2000 per month, but spends $6000 per month on personal needs then you are $4000 in-the-hole.
Comparative advantage rule: It is better to marry an ugly person, because, when they start fooling around on you, you will care less.
Darkside rule: A beautiful or handsome spouse is a torture if they do not find you beautiful or handsome. Best to marry someone at your same level of looks.
Leave and Cleave rule: This is a subtle one. You don't want to marry into a psycho family. But, there is a clear balance. If your partner is a daddy's girl or a mama's boy then run while you still have a chance. Such a partner should marry his or her parents, not you. How can you tell? One sure way to tell is if your partner tells his or her parents the intimate details of your relationship to include the things that you observe about his or her parents. The Good Book talks about "leaving and cleaving" for a reason. Often as not, the partner who refuses to leave and cleave is hedging his or her bets. When he or she says things like, "well my parents will support me no matter what I decide," that is a major, major warning sign. It means: that your partner has a built in social, familial escape clause built in, that he or she is aware of it enough to talk about it, and that he or she has probably used it on occasion before and would be willing to again.
Reality bites rule: If a person is middle aged and unmarried (yes, that includes divorced) then there is probably a good reason for it. If something seems to good to be true then it probably is. Honestly, I have never seen an exception to this. There is the converse to this rule that is if you are middle aged and unmarried then be careful that you are not a "3" looking for a "10." We all have baggage. We all just need to make sure that our particular baggage works with our partners baggage. If you do not think you have any baggage then you are probably not looking closely enough.
Hitler/Stalin pact rule: It really does not matter how much you talk about and agree to prior to the marriage. Your spouse can and possibly will change their mind about past agreements. Don't feel too secure or count too much on something staying the same once the rings go on. That said, pre-nups can be a good thing for both sides if the partners come together with substantial assets or children from a previous interlude, because they let the couple focus on what is important, the relationship. If you really mean "till death do us part" then the pre-nup will never be invoked.
Twenty-foot chasm rule: You can't breach a twenty-foot chasm with a ten-foot plank. You can create a huge mess of ropes and pullies and sticks and things that might make you imagine that you have breached the chasm, but in the end you really need a twenty-foot (or more) plank to safely and comfortably cross the chasm. In the same way, one person cannot keep a marriage going. This is called enabling.
Forgive and forget rule: There are no unforgiveable actions in a marriage if you both want it to work, but the clever spouse notes the second and third occurences with greater suspision. But caution -- See section below on magical thinking.
One in 30,000,000 rule: If you are going out with someone who is one in 30,000,000, who is successful, truly loves you, is willing to work on the relationship, and forgives you for your most odious offenses, and still wants to make the relationship work then stop reading this now! Drop everything! Find him or her, and give him or her a hug and never let go of that gem! What the heck were you thinking!!!!
Half-and-half again rule: Losing half your pay in alimony might not be as bad as it sounds if your spouse is already spending more than half of your pay each month.
Do it for the Gipper rule: Marriage is not a live-in dating arrangement. Every moment of every day is not going to be unmitigated bliss. Some days are just going to be really bad (you have no idea!), but if you are going to make the marriage work then you need to stick it through the tough times too. Every couple that breaks up makes it that much easier for the couple next door and down the street and half-way across the country to break-up. Take a stand! Make it work if you can!
Lawyer wins rule: If you press for that $5000 in property now then you might pay $50,000 in lawyer bills defending it for the next twenty years. It is not worth it! Every court case is a crap shoot. You might have better than even odds going in to see the judge, but in the end you have not a clue how the hearing will turn out. The only thing you know for sure is that the lawyer will get paid.
Everything changes rule: (I stole this one directly from Rabbi Telushkin's wonderful book Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews, a book I highly recommend.) "How do you get a girl to stop having sex with you? Ans. You marry her!" I laughed until I cried after I read that one; well, and then I just cried.
Don't be naive rule: If your spouse is going out clubbing and does a cruise "by him or herself" then he or she likely isn't doing it alone. On a related note, if you have been having significant relationship problems and your other half suddenly does a complete make-over, and he or she has not stepped up interest in you then there is likely someone else in the mix.
The porn star Ex rule: Yes, you bought new lingerie. Yes, you arranged for intimate, romantic get-aways. Yes, you took special time off of work to surprise your Ex with candlelight dinners and music. Yes, your Ex was never, ever "in the mood" no matter what you did and how you tried, and yes, now you are hearing from all your friends that your Ex is the hottest thing on the club/bar circuit. Your Ex is now insatiable! Just grin and bear it. Remember, somethings bring their own rewards, and the herpes that your Ex caught from that chance encounter will last longer than your marriage did! Viva le virus!
Once is always enough rule: Never, ever ask someone to marry you more than once. If they either said "no" or (really much worse) said that they were not sure then just "run! Run away!"
The friends that aren't friends rule: if your main source of marriage advice is divorced, and the friend is counseling you to get a divorce then you should think twice about taking marriage advice from the friend. (Additional hint: if you are angrier at your spouse after talking through the issues with your friend then your friend is not helping you work through things.) By the by, these angry anti-marriage types often travel together in packs. If you want to give your marriage a chance then find some folks to hang out with that are making their marriages work!
The kids make it forever rule: Once kids are in the picture, the marriage is really forever whether you get a divorce or not. By the by, this applies to a lesser extent to single parents dating too. If your kids fall in love with a partner of yours, you are going to break their hearts when you break up with your partner. Granted, you are not married, but I always advise couples to pause and think about the ramifications for the kids. To be perfectly honest, Dr. Games would probably stay in a bad relationship even a bad dating relationship with a single mom if it were in the best interests of the kids.(There apparently are amicable divorces, but if you've read down this far and are still laughing then yours probably isn't one of them.) Your Ex is mostly likely going to want to see the kids, and you can guarantee that he or she is not going to say nice things about you around the kids, or you would not have gotten divorced to begin with. So, you'll get to deal with tele-hostility and confused, angry kids. Better yet, you have the joy of your kids' significant life events to fight with your Ex about -- joy, joy. If you (shudder) re-marry then there are even more fun and games. I'm struggling with some type of humorous way to deal with the topic of kids and divorce, and I just can't find any. It really sucks for the kids. Some people scoff at the notion of staying together for the kids, but it often is better for the defenseless offspring than put them through a bitter divorce. Think about planning your wedding day and having the whole thing overshadowed by wondering if your estranged parents are going to kill each other! What is the problem with being civil to each other for another 5-10 years until the kids are out and about? Is chasing tail so important to you that you want to scar your kids? Are you really a 13 year old in a 30 year old body? Is another line of coke worth your marriage and your kids' happiness? Grow-up! Whatever relationship you are in now probably has a better chance of working than a future one -- the statistics point that direction. Try. Try. Try, and then -- try some more. Yeah, you, your divorced friends, and your paid cheering section (therapist) can convince each other that you really needed to leave the marriage to "discover yourself," but will you ever really convince the kids? Do you really want to even try? Yeah, your parents and family friends tell you they understand to your face, but what are they really saying behind your back? Do you really want to have to wonder? Stay with it for the kids.
Acid Test Rule: One of the questions I've been asked is "how do you judge whether a "borderline" activity is right in a relationship?" What I have found in practice is that folks want a complicated answer that allows a fair amount of wiggle room. Honestly, it is better just to skip the lengthy definitions. This is actually pretty straightforward.
The question is not whether the other person knows about the questionable activity or not or even how you perceive how he or she will respond to your activity.
When you start asking things like "is OK to have a simple lunch with my Ex?" followed by "and do you think my partner would mind if my Ex and I were dressed in pleather?" ... you are making something simple seem complicated.
Don't make this complicated. There is a simple test. You can answer the question as to the rightness of your actions through your own feelings.
Quite simply if you feel uncomfortable telling your partner about something then it is a problem. Full stop. Don't ask your partner. Just don't do it.
If you really don't have a strong feeling as to whether something is OK then think about telling or asking your partner about it. If that thought does not feel uncomfortable then the best thing to do is to talk with your partner about the activity in question. If you talk with your partner about the area of concern then you at least engender a dialogue. He or she might react poorly, or it might be less of an issue entirely than you think.
Either way though, it is off of your chest and not eating you up inside.
By the by, look for signals that your partner sends you. He or she might very well know your "secret" already. He or she might be dying for you just to open up and be honest, or maybe it is just your guilty conscience. Either way, it is better to be honest.
Forgiveness is the most powerful force and "magical thinking" rule and section: This is another tough one. Sometimes our best qualities get us in trouble.I am a big believer that forgiveness is the most powerful force in the universe, and that you have to model behaviors if you want to receive them in return. The Good Book says that "you are forgiven as you forgive." A couple can make it through anything if they both set their mind to it. Still, there is a boundary between loving forgiveness and self-delusion. The biggest problem I generally see is "magical thinking." Magical thinking is where you or your partner have completely unrealistic beliefs about how the world works. Some say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing time after time and expecting that it will have different results in the future than it has in the past.
If you run into major problems in a r elationship then you and your partner have to be willing to work on those issues and not wish them away.
No matter what, if your partner wrongs you in a major way then eventually you should forgive your partner and move on. Foregiveness does not imply foolishness, and foregiveness should not be an instantaneous process for a major transgression. Still, in the long term you do not want to be filled with bitterness.
The question is whether you stay in the relationship or not.
What are some reasonable indicators for making that decision? Here are a couple examples. If your partner does something horrendous that causes you extreme grief and then rationalizes it away, it is a major warning sign. If your partner engages in "magical thinking" and makes life altering, capricious decisions, it is a major warning sign.
For example, if your partner is a drunk or a drug user and refuses steadfastly to get treatment and get off the juice, eventually for your own good you need to walk away. If someone is trying their heart out and falls off the wagon, forgiveness and support are probably in order.
If your partner has an affair and it is primarily physical and it is time limited, while hurtful, you might have a chance at salvaging the relationship. If your partner has a one-night stand and falls madly in love with someone based on extremely faulty reasoning (e.g., "magical thinking" -- this "hunk, oh hunk of burning love" is going to rescue me from all that is wrong in my life even though I don't know him or her at all) then you have some issues.
If your partner insists on having back-up plans and does not even realize that he or she has a pattern of back-up plans then you have an issue. Etc.
The key here is whether the partner and you are willing to acknowledge the issues and work on them. If your partner is sincerely remorseful and willing to work on things then I say forgive and try to repair. However, if like the bank robber who is sorry that he got caught, but not sorry that he stole something, be careful of partners that are sorry, but sorry for all the wrong reasons.
One of the hardest things to "own up to" is that your partner and you have completely different views of the world.
Can a couple get past these? Of course, but only if the unfaithful partner is willing to work on the issues and be transparent with the partner that was hurt.
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