MASK Parents at Work Judy Belsky, PhD Clinical Psychologist Private Practice Clinical Supervisor Lman Achai, Ramat Bet Shemesh
		Parents in MASK work hard. They come in bewildered and ashamed. They have to get off the shame cycle in order to move forward and be effective in the circumstances in which they find themselves. At MASK, they meet other parents who are in similar pain. Once they get off the shame cycle, they realize they are not alone. Ideas begin to take root. All parents need to work hard on their marriages. Once a family has a kid at risk, the cohesion of the marriage is even more crucial. When a couple argues or fails to settle differences in a peaceful way, every family member suffers. Patients of mine tell me that as children, they suffered terribly because of their parents' marital discord. One man told me that as a boy he checked out every book he could find on the subject of divorce, fearful that his parents would split up. His parents did not notice his new reading material. The couple did not divorce, but with a little imagination, we can see what agonies the child went through.There are many compelling reasons to work on marital discord. Here are a few of them: 1. Children model themselves after us. They learn compassionate or abusive behavior from us. 2. They learn how to resolve differences from us. They learn bitterness and rage or the finer aspects of mutual respect and conflict resolution. 3. When parents do what they are supposed to do, that is, they grow up and work on their issues. They grow up and learn how to be better spouses, then children model after us. They grow up and do what they are supposed to do. The atmosphere is right for them to go through stages of development. The green light is on. 4. When parents are delayed in their development, when they have not resolved differences, then children regress. They fail to move through their developmental stages smoothly. Why? Because they see immature behavior modeled by they parents. And because they may be terrified of growing up and leaving thinking in rescue mode that they are holding the family together. Sometimes, subconsciously, kids mess up in order to get their parents to stop fighting and to take care of them. Parents who are busy fighting do not have as much time, energy or mature focus to place on their children. ***** Every couple needs to grow up. Families of kids at risk become more conscious of what is at risk. They come to MASK and to 12 step programs and courageously look at their lives. They try to change. When they use more love and discipline in the marital relationship, kids notice. When they see their parents growing up and doing what is expected of them, they are free to do what is expected of them. We don't want them to be our referees, therapists, allies in conflict. We don't want them to be surrogate parents or spouses. We want them to grow up. So we grow up.   Back to the Article Page