The Top 10 Reasons Why Darkwing Duck Is Better Than The Mighty Ducks
Subtitle: Why I'm Better Than Everyone, Especially The Mighty Ducks
By Darkwing Duck
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Lookin' good while doin' good!" "Big role *I* got in this episode!"
----Darkwing Duck ----Duke L'Orange
"I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS GUY!"
----Darkwing Duck
And just *why* do I say this, you ask? Because it's true. But I'll do better than that. I'll give all you guys out there ten good reasons *why* I'm so much better than this guy. And not just him----I'm better than all of them. And here I am to tell you just why this is . . .
10.) My name is much cooler. I mean, let's be serious here. Which sounds better? My name conjures up images of a *dark*, moonless night; the speed of an eagle's *wing* . . . what better sights to strike fear into the hearts' of villains than with the mere mention of THE REALLY SCARY FAST THING!!! Oops, I mean, DARKWI-I-ING DUCK! I mean, really, come on here: the Mighty Ducks?!?! What kind of a stupid name is that? How creative; yeah, right. That doesn't conjure up images of night and eagles; that just conjures up a bunch of little duckies sitting in a pond somewhere, occasionally flapping their wings really hard. In the world of the superhero, the cool name is the remembered name. End of story.
9.) It only takes one of me to stop the bad guys, while they need a whole *team*. Could they possibly get any more wimpy? I mean, seriously, it takes *six* ducks to stop one bad guy? Come on here! I could take that Draggy-guy out with one hand tied behind my back! And it takes all of them just to keep him at bay? I mean, they've never once had him sent to prison or anything *useful* like that. And any time a few of them are out of action for a while, the rest start worrying about being "down three team members" and all that utter nonsense. Now, take me. I fought all kinds of evil criminal masterminds on my own for a dozen years. No help, no team mates, not even the police (unless they were insisting on getting in my way). Even now, after meeting Gosalyn and Launchpad, I do all the work myself. Oh, okay . . . they help me out. But everybody knows that *I* am the main superhero and *I* am the one that gets the job done. Just me. I don't need all these *other* superheroes trying to help.
8.) I have a cape, hat, and really cool mask. And Wildwing's mask does not count. He doesn't wear it to look cool, he wears it to X-ray through the walls of female locker rooms or something like that. But the masks aside . . . I mean, look at them! They look ridiculous! They all got that plastic battle armor and spandex jumpsuits going on! No sense of style at all. They don't even have *capes*. What kind of a superhero doesn't wear a *cape*?! (Draca interjects: "Actually, Darkwing, Duke sometimes wears a overcoat that really does look like a cape when he----") Please don't interrupt me. You said this was *MY* page at this site. ("Sorry.") That's okay. Anyway, like I was saying, no capes. No hats. Heck, they even wear PANTS!! Do you know how much slacks restrict your movements? It's a wonder they get anything done in those get-ups!
7.) The gizmos I have are much better. Let's face it. No bad guy is going to take you seriously if you are hitting him with a *hockey puck*. What exactly do they expect Draggy to do? "Oh, not a hockey puck! No! Anything but that! Oh, I surrender; don't hurt me with your mean ol' hockey puck!" Yeah right. I've got a gas gun, grappling hooks, smoke bombs, and a never-ending supply of really cool little gadgets and super-weapons supplied to me by S.H.U.S.H. And don't forget my ever-helpful buzz-saw cufflinks. Works every time. ("Duke's got a sabre . . .") DRACA!! ("Sorry, sorry, you go ahead.")
6.) My show's funnier and has the better catch phrases. Let's be honest. Which is more funny . . . Stegmutt trying to "Put out the Darkwing!" or Duke trying to be witty again? If you readers out there have seen both of these examples, there's nothing really more to be said here. Except, of course, about those catch phrases. Come on, there's really no comparison. "Let's Get Dangerous!" is a battle cry of confidence, determination, and daring. As opposed to, "Ducks Rock!" What the heck does that even mean? Oh, how very clever and rock-band-ish of them. Please. Show a little originality!
5.) Their vehicles are all copied off of mine. Let's take a look at this. The Aerowing? Why, it's the Thunderquack with a new paint job! And the DuckCycles? Why, could it be the Ratcatcher in a hockey mask?! I THINK SO! See? All of their stuff is just mine with a fancy re-design. They couldn't even come up with anything original? (quietly, almost like a subconscious whisper in Darkwing's mind "What about the Migrator?") Ah yes. The Migrator. That one is origina----I mean! Hmmmmm . . . Ah, yes! The Migrator? A souped-up version of my station wa----I mean, a souped-version of that flashy blue station wagon owned by my close friend and all-around nice guy Drake Mallard. Yes. A direct copy. Let's move on now, shall we?
4.) I have a secret identity and, therefore, a Life. The Mighty Ducks don't hide their skills! They don't have secret identities! No wonder Dragaunus is always attacking them----he knows right where they are! My secret hideout has *stayed* secret, in large part due to the fact that I don't hang around there at all hours of the day. I actually go home once in a while and relax and do something else *in addition* to crimefighting. Could I do that if everyone knew that I was Darkwing Duck? No! But they go around playing hockey all the time, and then proceed to blow their cover as a mere hockey team by letting the papers find out that the mysterious ducks fighting crime are none other than the Mighty Ducks! Talk about a cover blow! ("But, Darkwing, the Mighty Ducks are the only six alien ducks from another dimension on the planet. How could they have a secret identity anyway?") Well, I----I, ah . . . well, that's not important right now, let's move ahead.
3.) Their adventures are all just copied off of *my* show. First off, they *certainly* aren't the first to travel to another Universe. Does the Negaverse ring a bell, people? THINK ABOUT IT! And they aren't the only ones who have formed a hero team of ducks, been shrunk, traveled through time, fought dinosaurs, been unjustly arrested, teamed up with an officer of the law who does *not* like them, had a villain be disguised as a hero, been invaded by aliens, fought a dragon, had a fan club, rescued the world . . . And Mallory is not *nearly* as sweet and wonderful as my own darling daughter, the apple of my eye, Gosalyn. (Don't tell Gos I said she was sweet, though. She'll put frogs in my extra cape again.) And how about fighting robots all the time? Okay, when one of them has to deal with *Gizmoduck*, THEN they can come talk to me about how to put up with annoying *robots*!
2.) They play HOCKEY!! What kind of self-respecting crimefighter would go around playing HOCKEY?!?! What does that even have to *do* with anything? Why hockey? Why not football? They're stranded on a strange alien planet in an alternate Universe, and they're worried about playing HOCKEY?! What could be going through their heads?!?! ("It's funny you should mention that, Dark dearest, because actually, that's something of an interesting story. See, it all started on Puckworld. The planet's covered with ice most of the time, you know, and everyone there can skate and stuff. *Everyone* plays hockey. It's what they do. And when they came to Earth, well, they had to keep playing so they'd keep their edge until they could----") Thank you, Ms. Darkwingette, for that entirely distasteful and extremely boring babble about something no one really cares about. That will be all.
And now, the Number One reason why my show is better:
1.) Gosalyn's much better than that annoying redhead Mallory. Hee-hee-hee! Oh boy, this is great; what'll I write next? Uh-oh, here comes Dad . . . Wha----Gosalyn! What are you doing!?! Stop that, that's not Number 1!
Ahem . . . and now, without further ado, the Number One reason why my show is better:
1.) I have webbed feet. Tell me, what kind of *real* duck doesn't have webbed feet?
Case closed.