That's all about to change. I'm pleased to announce the fist commercial enterprise to enter into the political arena, NewPolitc™. NewPolitic™ is here to show you the future of voting with our revolutionary new voting booths. Improving upon the old punch-cards of years gone by (before the recent advent of polling robots with laser-beam eyes to slay the non-voter), we here at NewPolitic™ have devised the Punch-Person Booth™. With this ingenious new system, voters enter a room with every polititian running for that office. The voter then punches whomever he/she doesn't want in the face. The last person concious is then determained the winner. (Not available in all areas, please see local voter registration office for details)
But that's not all we have ready for service in the upcoming 2004 presidential elections. For the polititian with a record of infidelity, indiscresion, dishonesty, or breathing, NewPolitic™ offers the Acid Tounge Anit-Mudslinging Device™. The Acid Tounge™ is simply an air-pressure gun filled with acid, designed specificly to counter all negative statements about it's owner during a debate by spraying the attacker with concentrated sulfuric acid.
Also for use in debates is the Kiss-ass Ass™ to be employed with the purpose of forcing comments to be answers instead of praise to any former or future president or tape worm. The Ass (Also known as Goatse) has been used in trials over the internet and has been most succesful. It shall be kept on standby, and any polititiatian with eyes avoiding logical discourse by praising an overling or flatulent exhast will be subjected to the Kiss-ass Ass™ or given a beer, respectively.
We look forward to our new and exciting dealings with the American public, and remember, Vote with NewPolitic™ and make your leaders suffer before they can do the same to you.
We all know that Alaska is cold, harsh, foodless, and not a very good place to buy a house and build a tree house, or, as you would be limited to in the northern areas I refer to spacificly, a tundra-grass house. Also, the ground and very air Alaskans breath is made of oil.
It is also a known fact that everyone who uses, "Well, this is a free country, and you can think what you want, but I don't agree." as an argument needs to die.
Unfortunately, we can't (as a prosecuting atourney once told me) go around shooting the people who say this. However, we can send them into exile. Exile in ...ALASKA. While in Alaska, they will be forced to eat the only available food: man-flesh. ...or... Endangered elk!
Fortunately for the elk, President Bush will have secretly built an oil field in Alaska. Why is this fortunate? Because, on top of the oil derreks will be ...snipers. And those snipers will be instructed to shoot anyone not dressed as an oil-tower-sharpshooter because they must be a poacher, a terrorist, or drunk.
As you can see, everyone wins. More jobs. More oil. More protection for the endangered elk. And, of course, many fewer stupid people. I think if all of you who visited my site in the last week (yes, both of you) will help in this matter, we can force the government with threat of nuclear attack (not that we have the capability of nuclear attack, but hey, leaders in action movies are never like, "Yo, Bob, do those guys actually have nuclear bombs?" so I don't expect a problem.
8/20 It may have been a while since my last post. It may have been a while since my last bowel movement. But it has certainly not been enough whiles since I was last assulted by advirtizers and people wanting my support for one thing or another. Like elections. I've been called and mailed to and shot at and ground into hamburger meat by more polititians than I could name, all wanting my all important vote to further my goals as a citizen of the United Wild Turkey Federation (JAKES ...this is a real thing, I'm not making it up. The United Wild Turkey Federation's abbreviation is JAKES. They send me mail). Now, the question at hand is, who should I vote for? The guy who's supported by the figherman's union? The guy supported by the wife of a dead senator? The plaster statuette who promised to support my run for president of the National Cheese Federation? A fish beast of stench who was accused of helping people accused of crimes to be aquited? Or the candidate who only just lost to Bush in the promaries and routinely shoves sharp objects into his ears? Well, I plan to cast my ever-powerful vote for ... No one. Why? Why am I not practicing my right to choose one of a bunch of upperclass baffons for Georgia's governor and possibly representative and senator and Skeletor celebraty look-a-like of the year? Because these same He-Man Villian-looking guys who want me to vote for them and give them a job in a position to make more money than I'll ever see, and still have the nerve to ask for money and squid from the people whose votes they demand... oh, yes, these same asphalt covered cyclopian zombie Furbie toys, have refused to allow me to cast my ballot for the one and only Zoltan Nulivar, Lord of Your Entrails. The "Man" Outlaws Our Snacks: I have bad news for anyone wanting a tasty treat in an airport or federal building, or Chucky Cheese, or any other high security area. Chocolate and peanut butter have been reclassified by the government from "good 'n tasty" to "bad 'n explosive".
I now take you right to the scene of events. I'm speaking to a real bomb detector here: "Detector, is it true the government has a violent hatred of candy?" I got no responce, so I handed the detector a peanut butter cup. --BEEP!--
There it is, folks, the government wants to dull our taste buds slowly until only the aristocrasy are allowed to eat anything other than brocolli!
Note: This is concerning a story in the paper yesterday that bomb detectors see peanutbutter and chocolate as dynimite because their densities are so similar.
Poor House Politics: I said it would be discused later. It is later. I know you've all been watching your screens twenty-four hours a day in anticipation of of coming writing about the Martain diliberations. These I shall not be discussing, today. In part because I will be flaming polititians with a verbal plasma torch, but mostly due to the fact that I like the idea of half a million people waiting on edge to read my (only slightly conjectured) tale of extra terrestrial hostility. Okay, half a million sounds a bit high, but how much more entertaining is my writing than Bush's (read stupid piece of trash, leader of stupid heap of trash, read America) speechs?
Democrats from Georgia are denying their being rich. In their denial can be found the following statements:
"...virtually no income other than...$145,100 salaries... ...shares a blind trust...valued between $15,000 and $50,000... ...$80,157 in retirement benefits... ...$47,000 in veterans pay." The list goes on.
Who the Hell do these people think they are? Poverty is far from breathing down--- ---- ----
chitter chitter---- -----
First: vital statistics. The speech lasted just over 45 minutes, the first 30 of which was the same 'America Kicks Terrorist Butt!' speech we've heard every time W's been at the podium in the last few months. Roughly 6 minutes: 30 seconds were spent over the economy, 2 and a half minutes discussing the 'USA Freedom Corps', 5 minutes over the budget, and a bare minute over education which is the issue that got W into office in the first place.
Bush Anouced dramatic increases in defence spending, which will lead to the first deficeit in five years, and praised himself on his tax relief policy of last year. "...so long as congress restrains spending and acts in a fiscally responsible manor..." the President says our new deficeit will not last long. Not that that will ever happen.
Bush once again brought up the "patients' bill of rights" which received a resounding appluase, even if it was deemed silly the first time.
During a sputtering of his friends' names (which would be stalling for any report from anyone who's not rich), he mentioned a person for "...the strength and comfort she brings..." W was, of course, speaking of the first lady. How much srength and comfort has she really brought? I'm not even sure of her name, and I follow politics fairly well.
During his speech the president noted that over the last year we have come to recognize "truths we will never question". For instance, that it's legal to rip off thousands of people, so long as you're generous enough to give to the "cause of democracy" (or at least some polititians), and so long as you don't rip off anyone who contributed to "the cause of democracy.
To yet once again parallel Rome, Bush has recomended that all Americans spend two years in service of their nation. He hasn't threated loss of citizenship for those who don't, but he was quick to ask us to spend this two years in the "USA Freedom Corps". This organisation (named in accordance with the 'USA Patriot Bill' which gutted the first amendment) is to assist emergency oporators, internal security officals, and external security officers, on a totaly volenteer basis. This might explain the very short budget for domestic protection programs.
He couldn't give a speech without some hypocritical craziness. For instance: "We have no intention of imposing our culture..." but we will "stand firm" for basic ideals like "privite property" and other 'western' ideals.
"The state of our Union has never been stronger." (neither has the BS in the state of the union address). Wait, we must've forgot the time when we weren't in economic ressession, or when people weren't losing their jobs and life savings because the government looked the other way, or...
W gave us these words of wisdom:
Let's roll over current government policy with a steam roller.
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locamotive! Able to leap entire buildings (and other various obsticles like common sence) in a single bound! It's a bird, it's a plane, no! It 'Super' America on it's way down the crapper!
The Super Bowl occured recently, but we all know it had nothing to do with football, except of course a bunch a drunk guys who were very upset when, in the pre-game show, they learned that 'Bare Naked Ladies' is a group of British guys.
Most of the pre-game festivities (a very long ordeal) were a tribute to the September eleventh tradgedy (long, as I said, about four months). The politics didn't end there, though.
It has become "almost a tradition" (according to some random person on pubic broadcasting) to watch the commersials of the Super Bowl. This year did not differ from tradition, millions and millions of Americans tuned in to the three million dollars worth of ads (two to be precise), no not Britney Speared in the brain, or even the canning of the Lipton puppets, but the government's ads for the Drug War. They spent three MILLION dollars to put ads on television calling every stoner a terrorist! With the slogan "I helped blow up a building" Bush wasted enough money to get years of treatment for his daughters (who by consequence were recently caught illegaly buying perscription drugs). And this is only a small part of the 180 million set aside for the Drug War, adveritizing division only.
The Patriots won 20 to 17 by a very nice move up field and a feild goal with four seconds left.