JOKES
Index:
Animals
in the City
Eighteen Bottles of Whiskey
Coincidence?
In-flight Humor
You Know You've Had Too
Much Coffee When
Kids vs Teachers
Letter of Recommendation
New Inventions by Blondes
Windows 98
Jackass
Toddler Property Laws
The Blow Job
I Already Paid
A Short Guide to Comparative
Religions
English Is Tough Stuff
Biblical
I Couldn't Resist
DUI
Subject:_Government_Announcement...
Dumb Quotes To
Some -- Profound Wisdom For Others
Animals
in the City
Primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what
sounds farm animals made.
She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?
"All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She
chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
Eighteen
Bottles of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty
the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else.
After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with
the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down
the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle
down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it,
and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the
houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half
as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and
the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker,
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When
Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You've worn the finish off you coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.
You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."
Instant coffee takes too long.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?
Student: Seven.
Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?
Student: Nine.
Teacher: That's impossible.
Student: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!
Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!
Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.
Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Sammy: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
Hygiene Teacher: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting
insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Ellen: I is...
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
Ellen: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
Junior : You said it was my lunch money.
Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges
in the other, what would I have?
Class comedian: Big hands!
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
------------------------------------------------------------
This memo was sent soon after the letter of recommendation:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every
second line (1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ...) for my true assessment of
him.
- The water-proof towel
- Glow in the dark sunglasses
- Submarine screen doors
- A book on how to read
- Inflatable dart boards
- A dictionary index
- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
- Powdered water
- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
- Waterproof tea bags
- Watermelon seed sorter
- Zero proof alcohol
- Reuseable ice cubes
- See-through toilet tissue
- Skinless bananas
- Do-it-yourself road map
- Turnip ice cream
- Toe implants
- An all white flag
- Rolls Royce pickup truck
- Solar powered torch
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98, the latest version of The world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 contains many features not found in Windows 95, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any.
Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 offers you
the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice,
whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software
producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become
part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes."
Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire
screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser
is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the
screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become
disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other
browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will
automatically be re-installed -- permanently.
Windows 98 also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current
year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000
for 1900. Windows 98 solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit
number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating
system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record
the year in four
digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun,"
and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill"
and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key Software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 as trouble-free
as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded
instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day
but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98.
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on
someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin
Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe
that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my desk.
I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled,
"You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote
the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It
always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one
day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company
and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program."
He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called
him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if
there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial
555-1212. (Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of
her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her
car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a
little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying
up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started
honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the
mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass.
There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For
Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then
I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone
after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided
to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked,
"Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car
is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses
to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used
to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled,
"You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked
out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them
I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang
war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed
over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad
cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If it it's near me, it's mine.
10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.
The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being
out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on
the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?".
"What? You're crazy???!!!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up..."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it, too..."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"My love... don't be like that..."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. "Dad says either
you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the
guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his
hand off the intercom!"
A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told
him he owed 4 dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep
track of his customers' bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a
beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how
to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly,
the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened
in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed
that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in
the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A
Short Guide to Comparative Religions
Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Jehova's Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
A new pastor moved into a small town and calling on his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was
Home but no one answered the door. Finally he took out his calling card, Wrote
on the back, "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next Sunday there was a note for him in the offering plate with only His
name and "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine
with him and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 "I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because
I was naked and I hid myself."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop!
Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
" Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the
Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
DUI
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for
possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time,
he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys
on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling
around with his keys for several minutes.
During this time, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, the fellow
started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting
for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer
test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know
how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Subject: Government Announcement...
Now that the Labour party has been elected in the UK, there
are some announcements to be made with regard to the European community.
Neil Kinnock through the European Union commissioners board has announced
that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language
for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard
"c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear
up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome
"ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s
in the languag is disgrasful, and they hav to go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar
changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor
trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
Europe Uber alles!
Dumb Quotes To Some -- Profound Wisdom For Others
** Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
** A closed mouth gathers no feet.
** A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
** A penny saved is ridiculous.
** A penny saved is just another damn thing for the cat to knock off of the
dresser.
** All that glitters has a high refractive index.
** Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
** Anarchy is better than no government at all.
** Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
** Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
** Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
** Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
** Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
** Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.
** Entropy isn't what it used to be.
** Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
** God did not create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the
6th.
** Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
** Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.
** History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
** It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
** It works better if you plug it in.
** It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
** Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
** Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
** Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
** Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
** Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
** The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
