How
to write erotic fan fiction.
by
Drakkenfyre
Formula
A: The Crash
1.
Take
two characters who you wish to, um, have your way with and make them take a
trip together. Now even if this isn’t entirely
reasonable, such as in the case of having say a captain and her first officer
leave the ship at the same time, it doesn’t matter as you will soon distract
the reader from such inconsistencies.
2.
Put
said characters in a small aircraft/spacecraft/even a trireme if you have to,
but it must not have very many people aboard, as everyone else will die and too
many dead bodies are never a good backdrop for erotic fiction. In special circumstances you may permit more
than 2 people to survive, such as in J/C/P fic.
3.
This
vehicle will always be traveling somewhere out of radio/comm/flag/smoke signal
range. For example, a type 2
shuttlecraft could be trapped in a planet’s ionosphere. Completely implausible, I know, but it’s
something you can say would block subspace messages. Or your stolen Roman boat could beach on an island not within
viewing range of any other ships, such as Phoenician raiders, unless that's
supposed be part of the action.
4.
You
must crash somewhere cold. A class L
planet, for instance. In non-SF, this
takes a bit of planning, like having their Cessna fly from Las Vegas to
somewhere over some mountains for an entomological conference.
5.
The
crashees will always suddenly cling to each other during the descent even if
they have never touched before, unless, of course, they are Starfleet
officers. Then they just shoot each
other a small, mournful smile.
6.
There
are only ever half as many blankets as you need. Therefore, the crashees must, to survive, climb inside a single
sleeping bag to await rescue. And there
will never be quite enough room for the two to lay side-by-side, but there is
somehow always more room with the woman on top. Remember, you aren’t aiming for accuracy. Your goal is to please your audience, many
of whom want to see the female on top.
7.
Even
though it contradicts common sense, your characters must believe that it is far
warmer if they huddle together in the nude.
It is important that you make your characters believe this, too, or else
they will appear too brazen and not sufficiently coy.
8.
Reinforce
gender stereotypes by inflicting a temporarily disabling injury on the female,
the submissive male, or in the case of warrior women, whomever you want. Remember, they may both be on top in the
courtroom, but someone’s got to be on the bottom in bed.
9.
Even
though in real life rubbing the frozen extremities of a hypothermic person can
be fatal, your characters should engage in this practice. It helps speed other events along.
10. There are certain biological
processes involved with survival situations that you should never touch
on. The lines “I have to pee” or “I
have to pee, too” should never be uttered.
Just as no one ever melts drinking water in these stories, no one should
ever have to excrete any, either.
Though this rule does not apply in the case of infection, as infection
brings fevered confessions of desire.
Well, in fic at least. In real
life it’s a bit more like, “Why are the orange Smurfs are eating my toes?”