I liked it a lot. Correcting the error made in Endgame was done
very well, and believable too. I've said it before and I'll say it again (and
again) - all I ever really wanted was just a hint of hope for J/C in the final
show and this story gives us that.
No changes really need to be made, but I like to throw out something as
everybody seeks improvement. If I had to change anything, I would add some more
info about the Admiral & Captain's interactions - maybe a flashback, or just
a memory.
I really ennjoyed the dialog, the words fit the characters well.
Good job!
Ooooohhh, very Joycean stream-of-consciousness! And so much better than the last thing I read (don't worry, not Star Trek) that threatened to sear my eyeballs with pure, unholy badness.
Anyhoo, here are a few notes
-Whole story-
Lots of sentence fragments, which could fit with the stream-of consciousness thing, but I think they're a bit disruptive to the reader.
Lots of feeling and emotion. The interaction between characters was great. It was entirely
believable.
-Scene 1-
paragraph 4, 2nd sentence: The comma should be a semicolon, to join two complete sentences.
para 7: there has to be something before the word "ironic", like "he thought it was" or "it was".
Para 9: those commas should be semicolons. I actually think the sentences should be broken up into ~2 separate sentences.
-Scene 2-
Love the couch comments!
The house of cards image was quite fitting.
-Scene 3-
Para 5, sen 1: The two "that"s together really threw me off.
Para 14: Unimatrix Zero should be capitalized, IMHO
It's touching when Seven asks if it's the captain and then says she's a lucky woman. Love that part. In fact, the whole end of that scene really works.
-Scene 4-
The last line is perfect, as it relates the feeling of peacefulness Chakotay has attained.
I guess I should thank all those who commented I my story (yes
it was mine) at the workshop.
Not many of you commented by the comments I did get were very helpful.
IŽll be posting the finished result on my website this weekend probably.
I liked the story and didn't get to comment the night I read it as my
computer froze up!
Great story! The spaceing was kinda off, but I figured that could have
been done by poster not writer.
[Drak's note: Um, yeah, Frontpage refuses to listen to my
ideas on proper paragraph spacing. I'll eventually beat it into
submission.]
We never did find out what Chakotay's sister said not to say. Unless I
missed it... entirely possible! So what was it? I'm betting it's the
"we'll always be friends" crap.
