Part 1
I´ve just read part 1 of the story and here are some quick comments:
*The sentence "Lying in that undignified position, the crew began milling about" sounds a little strange. It
would maybe be better with "as he lay in that...the crew began milling out..."
*"Sir," AND Ensign from... where did that and come from?
* I love the image of his boxers floating around in space, with starfleet insignias
and everything!
Wonderful!
* I got curious as to exactly what Betazoid thing it was that got him even more embarrassed.
* In the scene in Kathryn´s quarters. I feel that
maybe Kathryn would have acted differently. Been more attentive to his feelings, I liked that she tried to
joke about his belongings floating outside his window but I felt she should have tried to stop him as he
was about to leave.
* TheRE room almost...
* Larry, Ice God of Unrequited Love; what's it to you?” WONDERFUL :-)
* Kathryn wouldn´t let Chakotay sleep on her couch. I´d jump at the chance ;-) Seriously, what was that
about. I would think that Kathryn, what ever her plans were, would let her friend sleep on her couch and
not have to go hunt for a bed elsewhere.
Also, why did his quarters explode. And I would have liked more reaction on how lucky he was that he
wasn´t in them.
Like I said I´ve only read the first part. Maybe we´ll get answers to some of the questions I´ve asked in the
latter parts. But so far I´m intrigued.
Part 2
Well now I´ve read parts 2 and 3. It was... a bit bizarre but in the end most things came together.
* There were a few sentences that didn´t make much sense. On was "a need a shot through him, I need to
like no other."
* I liked the beginning of the second paragraph of part two. The right leg, left leg thing. It showed very well
how he was doing things on
auto-pilot so to speak, not really thinking at all.
* In the third paragraph Kathryn asks Chakotay if he´s alright and he answer "I'm just not feeling now well
today."
* Later on we read how Chakotay goes to the recycler room and then in the next paragraph he thinks back
at how he had gotten there and we read the same sentence from above all over again. What you could do
is skip the first one and start with "I can´t believe I let you talk me into this". I hope I´m making sense :-)
* I absolutely loved how his "spirit guide" said gesuntheit. WONDERFUL!
*I´m a little confused about what Chakotay had done. When he was in his quarters he heard the thump
thump from Kathryn´s quarters. Later he thinks it was Straker, but Straker doesn´t exist. But it couldn´t
have been Chakotay who was with Kathryn because he heard the thump thump. Was he imagining one of
those instances? We learned that he actually was with her that one evening, was he with her the other
evenings too??
*Also, we learned that Chakotay made his quarters explode, but why?
* I loved the first paragraph in part 1. How he imagines Kathryn getting ready for bed. Also his first
conversation with "Larry" was great. The advice Larry gave to Chakotay was right on the money.
Wonderful!
* All in all I think it was a good story. Like I said in my earlier review I would have to say that the part I
had most problems with were the fight scenes. I haven´t really understood that. Why were the other men
fighting each other. It may be that I don´t "get" boxing and films like fight club in the first place I don´t
know.
I like how you´ve made Chakotay seen "imperfect". I think in a lot of fan fiction we tend to portray
Chakotay has a patient, sane, wise man. It was refreshing to read a fic that showed him in, often, a less
than stellar
light :-)
Emily
This story just warped my already unconventionally wired mind... I loved it! Though I think it seemed to
become _more_ confusing in the end. Is there another part on the way that will tie some of the loose ends
together?
I especially loved Larry the penguin! But where have I heard of him before? I'm certain I have, but where
or how or when seems to be information that's not accessible. :( Can anyone enlighten me?
NE
I haven't see Fight Club, nor have I read the book, so some of the story may have been lost on me. I got the
basic idea of it, but probably would have had a better understanding if I had seen the movie.
It was well written and I enjoyed reading it. Like Emily, I'm not a big fan of fights, but the scenes were
very descriptive, but not over the top, IMO.
I like Larry a lot too.
The first scene was done very well and definitely grabs your attention.
Good Job,
SuzieQ2
I liked it, but I got confused at the end. A little more clue wise on
how
he got to be two people.
I feel bad that good Chakotay wasn't getting any!
