The Great
Rock and Roll
(Hall of Fame)
Swindle
"Kids want a savior, don't need a fake."
-- Alice Cooper, "Elected"
Every year, the decrepit tone-deaf wankers in charge of the (purportedly) Rock and Roll (so-called) Hall of Fame make like assholes and crap all over the history of the art they profess to honor, overlooking the seminal performers whose efforts changed civilization while praising inconsequential one-hit wonders, doo-wop dinosaurs and happy-face dorks.
Obviously, it's the same cast of dain-bread, drool-drunk idiots who vote on the Grammys...cigar-chomping "moguls" whose musical tastes stopped evolving when they turned 21, so they vote for their sentimental favorites while raking in millions with irredeemable noise designed specifically to separate teenagers from their allowances.
You can almost hear Hall of Fame friar-in-chief Seymour Stein waxing nostalgic..."Todd Rundgren? Never heard of him. But man, I remembered copping my first feel from Hillary Hogbottom in the back seat of a '57 Chevy while listening to the Penguins' 'Earth Angel'..."
Of course, Stein is also the founder of Sire Records, which explains why Sire labelmates the Ramones, Talking Heads and Madonna got into the Hall on their first ballots.
"Hey kid, it's politics, y'know?" sneer the fat fucks in charge. But that's still no excuse for this ongoing travesty.
Let's make one thing clear: rock and roll is popular music for dancing that annoys parents. And a great many of the acts currently enshrined in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame do NOT meet this simple criteria. You know who you are. And like Glen Matlock, you should be replaced by artists, musicians and performers of substantially more merit (which does not necessarily imply "talent" in the professionally competent sense, as if chops ever meant squat in this sandbox).
But don't take my word for it...here's the official drill: "Criteria include the influence and significance of the artist's contributions to the development and perpetuation of rock and roll." In other words, a majority of the 1,000 "experts" who cast ballots think James Taylor, Bonnie Raitt and the Lovin' Spoonful have had a bigger impact on "rock" than, say, Alice Cooper, Deep Purple and Kiss?
Kinda hard to avoid wetting your pants when you're laughing this hard, isn't it?
Nothing against many of the second-tier tributaries, mind you--they worked hard for what little money the powers that be-bop-a-lula deigned to dole their way--but you can't say the same for coked-up criminals like Crosby, Stills & Nash, who released exactly one halfway-decent album prior to becoming a Neil Young charity project (meanwhile, Nash's original band, the Hollies, is still hoping Paul Shaffer will someday mug shamelessly through "Bus Stop"), or the Mamas & the Papas, folk vultures whose only noteworthy contribution was giving hedonism a bad name.
Well, like Alice says, "We're all gonna rock to the rules that I make," starting with the following shortlist of the Damned and their erstwhile Replacements (neither of whom will probably even get nominated, the bastards), as well as suggested inductors who aren't members of U2.
Even when the turds get it right (AC/DC, the Animals, Frank Zappa, Parliament/Funkadelic, the Velvet Underground, Queen, the Clash, the Sex Pistols, Black Sabbath, Van Halen, R.E.M., the Ventures), they still manage to flush the toilet backward; CJ is just as much a Ramone as Joe Walsh is an Eagle and Ron Wood is a Rolling Stone. Of course, these are the same aliens from the planet Fuckwit who honored Tom Petty's Heartbreakers (who are wonderful) and Elvis Costello's Attractions (who only played on a small portion of his records), but not Buddy Holly's Crickets, Neil Young's Crazy Horse, Frank Zappa's Mothers of Invention, Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band nor Bob Marley's Wailers (much less Motown's Funk Brothers or Hal Blaine's "Wrecking Crew" posse of L.A. studio shoguns, see "Sidemen and Women" below).
Worst of all is the locker-room towel snapping in the "Non-Performer" category where ruthless record label executives whose "accomplishments" are defined by how effectively they rape, pillage and subvert the artists they sign to "professional services" contracts that make picking cotton in chains sound like a picnic. Heaping praise, honor and glory on their Propecia-slathered pointy heads, these payola pimps are so sleazy, they charge back the cocaine they hoover backstage to their artists' accounts. And aren't they doing a marvelous job coping with the MP3 revolution? Yes indeed, these titans of corporate terrorism should absolutely be hung in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...from nooses around their tiny little testicles.
Leonard ChessIf you insist on increasing the Rock and Roll HoF's clickstream, http://www.rockhall.com/, but please don't buy anything or otherwise support their puerile efforts.
Instead, grab every record by every artist on this list and go see most of them in concert, then try to understand why Gene Pitney has a plaque and they don't.
I Want You To Want Me
Cher
Oh, stop sniveling...where do you think Grace Slick, Chrissie Hynde and Alanis Morrissette got their bang, much less bangs? The original riot grrrl, she had her first #1 with Sonny Bono in
1965. By herself, she had her most recent #1 in 1999. In between, she co-hosted
the last great TV variety show, dated Gene Simmons, married Gregg Allman, dressed more
outrageously than Jennifer Lopez in your wildest wet dreams, and won an Oscar.
Nice tattoos, too.
Inductor: Madonna
The Monkees
Like being prefab
is a crime? Like Elvis Presley and the Beatles weren't equally nurtured by
mastermind Svengalis? Like having someone else write the songs and play the
instruments was a problem for anyone on Motown? The Monkees may have been invented
for television, but their catalog is as gold-plated as any band from the 1960s, and
their influence is staggering in both depth and scope: Michael Nesmith alone was
responsible for helping to invent country-rock and MTV; they were the first pop band to use a synthesizer; and Jimi Hendrix made his American debut as their opening act in 1967. See
Gorillaz for the most recent misspelled simian homage.
Inductor: Jack Nicholson
Grand Funk Railroad
Mark, Don and Mel
may be all but forgotten today, but they were the biggest band in the land in
1970, despite critical and cultural disdain verging on nausea, pounding out post-hippie power chords with a populist touch that sold out stadiums, a tradition continued today by Dave Matthews. Finally nailed a hit single in 1973 with
"(We're An) American Band" courtesy of Todd Rundgren (see below), and
even had the honor of Frank Zappa producing one of their later LPs.
Inductor: Kid Rock
http://www.grandfunkrailroad.com
Todd Rundgren
Okay, let's
overlook his amazing songwriting skills, his expressive voice, his killer guitar
chops, his multi-genre musicality, his technology smarts, his bitchin' hair, all things Utopia, the New Cars and his impressive
jukebox of hits. Let's talk about his curriculum vitae as a producer and engineer: Meat Loaf, XTC, Patti Smith, New York
Dolls, Badfinger, Tubes, Cheap Trick, Psychedelic
Furs, Hall & Oates, Janis Joplin, Jesse Winchester, the Band, James Cotton, Paul
Butterfield, Foghat, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Shaun Cassidy, Rick Derringer, Grand Funk, Alice Cooper, Pursuit of Happiness, Jill Sobule, Bourgeois Tagg, Bad
Religion...and this is just a partial list.
Inductor: Ringo Starr
Alice Cooper
His over-the-top
concerts in the early 1970s brought a theatricality to rock that completely
changed the way music is presented onstage. Pretty goddamned incredible list of
singles, too, including a bunch of the sensitive pap ("Only Women
Bleed," "I Never Cry") so beloved by the Hall of Fame voters. Still cranking out great albums today, and he should sue Marilyn Manson for brand infringement. As Wayne and Garth wailed on their knees, "We're not worthy, we're not worthy!" But he/she sure is.
Inductor: Stephen King
T.Rex
David Bowie got the critical attention during the Golden Age of Glam in 1972, but Marc Bolan got the hits (and the girls). Typical anti-Brit bias of the Hall of Fame ignores his massive international popularity and giddy propulsive powerpop panache.
Inductor: Debbie Harry
Roxy Music/Bryan Ferry/Brian Eno
Well, Eno really
needs an entry by himself for his pioneering ambient efforts and ace production
work (U2, Devo, Talking Heads, David Bowie), but Roxy Music is equally deserving
for its ersatz alien lounge act that spanned three separate eras (the sinister
cabaret of "Virginia Plain," the "Love Is The Drug"
dancefloor demonia, and the "Avalon" lovemonkey phase that's still the
best record for fucking ever recorded).
Inductor: Jarvis Cocker
Iggy Pop & the Stooges
The original Motor City madman is still stage-diving with more reckless abandon than performers one-third his
age. Ground zero for "punk," both as genre and attitude. Nice job rocking Madonna at the 2008 HOF event. R.I.P. Ron Asheton.
Inductor: Courtney Love
(The) Sweet
Imagine if the Monkees had morphed into Motley Crue, and then decided to be Marillion. Unlike the rest of the glitter gang, the originators of hair-metal had huge U.S. hits ("Little Willy," "Ballroom Blitz," "Fox On The Run," "Love Is Like Oxygen") at every stage of their career, their abfab fashion frippery influenced everyone from ABBA to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and seriously sexual (if not completely deranged) lyrics helped balance the overall teenage rampage. R.I.P. Mick Tucker and Brian Connolly.
Inductor: Mike Myers
Genesis/Peter Gabriel/Phil
Collins
Artistic to a fault, but
blisteringly intelligent (not to mention melodic) in ways few bands even
approximate today. Wacky concepts in the Gabriel days gave way to proletariat adult pop with Collins at the helm, leading to respective solo careers that outclassed the mothership in both sales and influence.
Inductor: Kate Bush
Yes
Above and beyond
Pink Floyd and Genesis, Yes exemplified the progressive-rock ideal: jaw-dropping
musicianship; lyrics by Tolkein; album-side song lengths; record covers that ate their own LSD, etc. But what separated Yes from the rest of their airy-fairy friends was a serious debt to the Beatles in the vocals department, as well as scoring a new-wave hit with "Owner of a Lonely Heart."
Inductor: Thom Yorke
KISS
Inductor: Dee Snider
Runaways/Joan Jett
Inspired by David Bowie and
especially Suzi Quatro, five teenage girls in Hollywood strapped on Gibsons and garter belts, and broke rock's gender barrier forever. Their collective influence (founding bassist Michael Steele became a Bangle, and Lita Ford is possibly the best female lead guitarist ever) can be heard on millions of impressionable boomboxes thanks to Britney Spears' reverential cover of Joan's (via the Arrows) "I Love Rock and Roll." R.I.P. Sandy West.
Inductor: P.J. Harvey
Lost Cause Band
The legendary
Boulder bong-rock battalion turned 25 in 2002, which means we're now eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, too! That's me in front doing my Peter-Frampton-on-crystal-meth imitation. Remember to yell "Lou Reed!" at
our next reunion gig (tentatively planned for 2011). Annie and Gordon Stevens, how/where are you?
Inductor: Neil Young
http://www.oocities.org/drclueful
"I Woke Up...And I Screamed..."
"Engage
Remedial Induction Process"
Eligible performers as
significant as Jackson Browne
ABBA
Chicago
Cliff Richard/Shadows
Deep Purple
Guess Who/Bachman-Turner Overdrive
Hollies
Judas Priest
King Crimson/Robert Fripp
Linda Ronstadt
Mahavishnu Orchestra/John McLaughlin/Billy Cobham/Jan Hammer
Moody Blues
Move/Electric Light Orchestra/Roy Wood's Wizzard/Jeff Lynne
Neil Diamond
Nick Lowe/Dave Edmunds/Rockpile
Ohio Players
"It's an Honor to
Be Nominated..."
Eligible "classic rock" performers as
influential as the Righteous Brothers
B-52s
Badfinger
Barry White
Bay City Rollers
Big Star
Black Flag
Blasters
Blood, Sweat & Tears
Blue Oyster Cult
Boomtown Rats/Bob Geldof
Boston
Cars
Cat Stevens
Cheap Trick
Chic
Commodores/Lionel Ritchie
Cure
Dan Fogelberg
Darlene Love
Def Leppard
Devo
Dick Dale
Dionne Warwick
Dire Straits
Donna Summer
Donovan
Doobie Brothers
Edgar Winter Group
Emerson, Lake & Palmer
(Small) Faces
Fairport Convention/Richard Thompson/Sandy Denny
Foghat
Foreigner
Free/Bad Company
Fugs
Gary Glitter
Graham Parker & the Rumour
Gram Parsons/Flying Burrito Brothers
Hall & Oates
Harry Nilsson
Heart
Herman's Hermits
Humble Pie
Hüsker Dü
J. Geils Band
J.J. Cale
Jethro Tull
Jimmy Buffett
Joan Baez
Joe Cocker
Joe Jackson
John Mayall
John Prine
Johnny Hallyday
Johnny Kidd & the Pirates
Johnny Rivers
Johnny Winter
Journey
Kraftwerk
Kool & the Gang
Little Feat
Loggins & Messina
Luther Vandross
Manfred Mann
Minutemen
Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels
Montrose/Sammy Hagar
Mötley Crüe
Motorhead
Mott the Hoople/Ian Hunter
Nazareth
New York Dolls
NRBQ
Paul Butterfield
Paul Revere & the Raiders
Peter Frampton
Peter, Paul & Mary
Phil Ochs
Poco
Pointer Sisters
Procol Harum/Robin Trower
Quicksilver Messenger Service
Randy Newman
Raspberries/Eric Carmen
REO Speedwagon
Replacements
Return To Forever/Chick Corea/Al DiMeola/Stanley Clarke
Rufus/Chaka Khan
Rush
Scorpions
Siouxsie & the Banshees
Slade
Sonic Youth
Sparks
Spencer Davis Group
Spinners
Spirit
Status Quo
Steppenwolf
Steve Miller
Stylistics
Styx
Ted Nugent
Television
Thin Lizzy
Three Dog Night
Tom Waits
Tommy James & the Shondells
Tower of Power
Tubes
Turtles/Flo & Eddie
UFO
War
Warren Zevon
Weather Report/Jaco Pastorius
X
Zombies/Argent
Influences
Big Star
Beau Brummels
Blue Cheer
Captain Beefheart
Charlatans (U.S.)
Dictators
Joy Division
Kingsmen
Link Wray
Lonnie Donegan
MC5
Modern Lovers/Jonathan Richman
New York Dolls
Pretty Things
Residents
Screaming Lord Sutch
Suzi Quatro
Troggs
Wire
Sidemen (and women)
Al Kooper
Albert Lee
Andrew Gold
Andy Fairweather Low
Aynsley Dunbar
Billy Preston
Bob Babbitt
Bobby Keys
Bobby Whitlock
Buddy Miles
Burt Bacharach
Carl Radle
Carol Kaye
Chris Spedding
David Lindley
Dick Wagner
Earl Van Dyke
Eddie "Bongo" Brown
Eddie Willis
Glen Campbell
Hal Blaine
Jack Ashford
Jack Nitzsche
Jeff "Skunk" Baxter
Jesse Ed Davis
Jim Gordon
Jim Keltner
Jim Price
Joe Hunter
Joe Messina
Johnny Griffith
Leon Russell
Mick Ronson
Mike Bloomfield
Mike Deasy
Nicky Hopkins
Nils Lofgren
Richard "Pistol" Allen
Rick Derringer
Robbie Shakespeare
Robert Quine
Robert White
Russ Kunkel
Ry Cooder
Sly Dunbar
"Sneaky" Pete Kleinow
Steve Hunter
Tommy Tedesco
Uriel Jones
Waddy Wachtel
Non-performers
Hilly Kristal
Annie Leibovitz
Barry Kramer
Bob Ezrin
Casey Kasim
Cheech & Chong
Chip Monck
Dave Marsh
David Briggs
Eddie Kramer
Giorgio Moroder
Glyn Johns
Greg Shaw
Greil Marcus
Gus Dudgeon
Hal David
Hartley Peavey
Ira Robbins
Jack Douglas
Jim Marshall
Jimmy Miller
Lester Bangs
Lorne Michaels
Mick Rock
Mike Chapman
Murray the K (Kaufman)
Nick Kent
Nicky Chinn
Otis Blackwell
Pamela Des Barres
Paul Krassner
Peter Asher
Quincy Jones
Richard Goetthrer
Richard Meltzer
Richard O'Brien
Robert Christgau
Robert Moog
Rodney Bingenheimer
Roger Dean
Roy Thomas Baker
Scott Muni
Seymour Duncan
Shadow Morton
Shel Talmy
Stanley Mouse
Ted Templeman
Tom Dowd
Tom Wilson
Tony Visconti
Van Dyke Parks
Wolfman Jack
Holidays in the Sun
Worthwhile rock shrines
not designed for Shriners
Experience
Music Project
Judging from their
advertising jingles (Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Madonna), even Microsoft has
better taste in music than the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. When not pissing away
his fortune on dot-coma disasters, founding partner and Hendrix necrophiliac
Paul Allen owns and operates a very cool rock museum in Seattle where Quincy
Jones shares showcase space with X.
Hard
Rock Vault
The burger chain with
the finest guitar collection on the planet has opened up its warehouse in Orlando (aka the new Detroit/Memphis/Nashville/Hollywood bubblegum factory).
Graceland
Even in death, Elvis epitomizes everything great about rock and roll, including
its bizarre excesses. Don't forget to sing "Heartbreak Hotel" at his
grave like Spinal Tap.
Rate-It-All Deserving of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame The Chris Clark web galaxy Click here to visit my collection of rockin' guitar tabs Click here to visit "Christmassacre:
The All-Time Best Rock and Roll Christmas Songs" Click here to visit "Rock
Bottoms: A lavishly (if not lasciviously) illustrated guide to bodacious bass
babes" Comments and crits: drclueful (at) hotmail (dot)
com
You can quibble with some of the entries (Loverboy?), but an excellent list, and easily amended if desired.