Chapter Five      Carissa and Beth cleaned like mad women on Friday night. It wasn't that the condo was a mess, but with a baby and the work schedule they both kept, it was hard to keep everything presentable.   "Okay! I think that does it" Beth said as she emerged from the downstairs bathroom, cleaners in hand. Carissa laughed at the sight of her friend. Beth had pulled her hair up in a messy pony tail and she had wrapped a bandanna over her hair. She had on a ratty t-shirt and a pair off cut off jean shorts. "WHAT?" Beth exclaimed as another fit of giggles overtook her friend.   "I guess its a good thing that no one is coming over tonight! One look at you and they'd run for the hills." Beth looked down at herself and began to laugh to. "I guess I really do look scary" she said as she walked to the closet to put the cleaners on a high shelf. "I'm heading for bed. See ya in the morning" Beth called as she headed for her room.                                                              ~~~****~~~   "Hey guys! Come on in and make yourselves at home" Carissa greeted when the guys arrived. Beth gave them a quick tour, while Carissa slipped out the back door to check on the food.   She had just entered the house when Matti let out a howl. "That's my cue, excuse me guys" she said as she started up the stairs to get her daughter.      "Hello Miss M! How's momma's baby?" she cooed as she lifted Matti out of her crib. Matti cooed and gurgled in return as Carissa changed her diaper. "We have company, so you be good for momma- okay?" Again Matti cooed and Carissa laughed. "I'll take that as a yes momma!" she said.    "She's adorable" Kevin said when Carissa entered the living room. "Can I hold her?"    "If she'll go to you. Sometimes she's really shy when she first wakes up" Carissa said, as Kevin held out his arms for the little girl. Matti laughed and practically jumped out of Carissa's arms. Carissa tweaked Matti's nose and playfully scolded her, "You made momma out to be a liar young lady, shame!" Matti laughed and curled her fingers into Kevin's goatee. He winced in pain and the guys thought it was incredibly funny.   "Man if I had known that was all it would take to get Kevin, I'd have borrowed my cousin's baby sooner" Nick said.    "Very funny Chaos" Kevin said before turning his attention back to the bright ray of light he was holding.    "I'll be back" Carissa said to Beth as she went back outside to get the food. She came back in a few minutes later with a plate filled with grilled meats to find all five guys huddled around Matti singing Anywhere For You. The sight brought tears to her eyes. Matti sat quietly on Kevin's lap taking it all in.    She turned quickly and headed for the kitchen, hoping to avoid having anyone see her tears. She set the plate down and gripped the edge of the counter, willing herself not to cry. It was hard, all of it. Her whole life. It wasn't that she didn't want Matti, she did. Matti was her ray of light, her reason for living. But there was so much she couldn't give Matti, like a father, not that she'd want to give her daughter the one that she had. Chris didn't even know about Matti and she intended to keep it that way. But seeing her with the guys, her attention rapt, hanging on everything they did, every note they sang, it just reminded her that Matti had no father, and with the way things were, she probably wouldn't ever have one. 'Please God, give me the strength to raise her right' she silently prayed.    "Hey are you alright" a soft voice asked from the doorway. Carissa turned to find Brian standing there, a gentle smile playing about his lips and compassion standing in his eyes. She hesitantly smiled at him and replied, "I'm fine. How about you help me take all this food out to the table?" she said trying, hoping to distract him.   "Sure" he said as he grabbed a couple of platters and headed for the dinning room.    "Dinners ready" Carissa called as she put the food she carried down on the table. The guys came in and took their seats while Carissa put Matti in her highchair. Conversation was light and easy as they ate. The guys told Beth and Carissa about previous tours and what to expect. They also told some very amusing stories about bus life.   "Note to self, make sure we book another bus while on the road" Beth said aloud after a particularly hilarious story.   "Oh c'mon Beth, we're not that bad" Howie said, hiding his grin.   "That's okay I don't think we'll take any chances" she responded playfully.     After the dishes had been cleared away, they went to the living room and sat, talking some more about each of their childhoods and the last couple of years.     "I don't know how you survived Carissa. I mean we've seen your school transcripts, they are excellent. And to have had a baby and then take care of her, well that's just amazing. Did Matti's father help?" AJ asked.            Carissa visibly stiffened and the color drained from her face. Her hands began to shake and her breathing became shallow. In a shaky voice she answered, "No. Matti doesn't have a father, therefore he wasn't around to help. Excuse me" she choked out and took Matti upstairs.    "What did I say?" AJ asked, clearly confused at what had caused her reaction to his question.    Howie shot a look at Beth and she attempted to smile. "AJ, its not you. Matti's..." she paused, having a lot of trouble spitting out the next word, when she did it was with all the contempt she could muster, "father is a sore subject with Carissa. You would all be better off not even mentioning it."   "I'm sorry I didn't know" AJ said apologetically.   "I know, none of you could have" she answered, avoiding Howie's gaze, choosing instead to look at Brian. What she saw in his eyes stunned her. She swung her attention back to Howie and read the truth there. Her eyes widened and he could see the accusation there. Shamefully he lowered his head.   "I guess it might be best if we leave" Kevin said as he stood. "Thanks for dinner. It was nice just to sit back and relax with friends" he said as he motioned for the others to get up. Beth walked them to the door and said good bye to Brian,AJ, Nick and Kevin.   "You guys go on. I want to talk to Beth" Howie said when Kevin turned to him.   "Okay D. See ya later."    "How could you?" Beth started in on him as soon as the door was closed.   "Beth, I felt I had to. NO that came out wrong. Look, he's interested in her. He likes her alot and he was asking me about her. I told him because I didn't want him to unintentionally hurt her. He would never knowingly hurt her" he assured her.     Beth sucked in air and let it out. "He really likes her?" "Yes. I wouldn't have told him otherwise. I just couldn't see any way out of it. Brian's a very determined guy when he wants to be. I told him so he would take it slow, not push her-- you know?"   "Yeah I know. Did you know that they are going shopping tomorrow?" she asked.   "Yeah, he told me. I cautioned him to be careful. He promised he would." "Well I think its great. I know I'll never know exactly what she's been through, but I want to see her happy, and honestly there have been a few times in the last week I've seen a peek at the old Carissa, especially when Brian's around" she told him. "Yeah I've seen it to" Howie said. "Well listen, I'm gonna go. She needs you, and if you need me, you have my number." "Good night Howie" she said as they reached the front door. "Good night."