1 APRIL 2003
I was hoping to start this one off with some ridiculous joke, but I am not in the mood for it. A friend who has some bad illness, made me think about the way I life my life and my lack of gratitude. So up to now, the day has been quite sad and tearish. Can you imagine that you absolutely love coffee and then you hear that cafeine reduces the effects of the medication you are taking? I may not mean much to some people, but apply that to your ittle sin of life? Its harsh, I tell you. As if having pain is not enough.....
That friend is creeping deep into my heart and I will support him with everything I have.
A song that is playing on the radio, is having a great effect on me. Its not the usual dancy stuff, but by Linkin Park
Its called "Somewhere I belong"
(When this began.)
I had nothing to say.
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
(I was confused.)
And I live it all out to find, but I'm not the only person with these
things in mind.
(Inside of me.)
But all that they can see the words revealed.
Is the only real thing that i got left to feel.
(Nothing to lose.)
Just stuck, hollow and alone.
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.
I wanna heal, I
wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing
to say. I can't believe I didn't fall right down on
my face.
(I was confused.)
Look at everywhere only to find.
It is not the way I had imagined it all in my mind.
(So what am I.)
What do I have but negativity.
Cuz I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me.
(Nothing to lose.)
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone.
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own.
I wanna heal, I
wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I will never know
myself until I do this on my own.
Cuz I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed.
I will never be anything til' I break away from me.
I will break away. I'll find myself today.
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain til' it's gone
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I
wanna feel, Like I'm Somewhere I belong...
I wanna heal, I wanna feel, Like I'm Somewhere I belong...
Somewhere I belong...
This is all for today......
What a wonderful day! The sun is shining, I only overslept a little, and I had a phonecall from a nice friend, and two others who came to visit me at work. Seeing that its holidays, I don't have much to do, and I like the fuss people make over me. Its nice to know there is still people who cares about my feelings. ANYWAY, been getting a lot of feedback on the webpage, and I think the afrikaans book is going to be a hit. Tonight is Wednedsay night, and I just decided that I'll go clubbing. Perhaps I find the man of my dreams, at the very least Ill catch something crawling. Then my buddy who is a bit ill, wow!! what a guy. I hope that when he starts with his treatment, things will go well for him, no one deserves to have that hanging over his head. But I'll be doing some serious thoughts and 'prayers' from my side for him to make him heal faster.
Somehow people think that I like spam e-mails. I DONT! But oh ! Jonathan in Potch, yours are brilliant! Keep on sending bud, you make my day every morning!! I love the card with the hangman's rope, so original, I consider sending it to someone soon!
Hehehe I was joking with Michael today and starting talking to him under an assumed name on the internet!! Hmmmm, now I also know what he and his lovy likes! Dont worry... I wont say more! It was FUN!!
I also received the following via e-mail today that really touched me........
Some words to share with you
The most destructive habit .............................. Worry
So
I have it.. I worry far too much what other people think or what they say, I
never show it, but deep inside it eats me alive
The greatest joy ...............................................Giving
I
am the happiest when I am able to give something to someone who needs it. I
once gave a Pentax camera with 3 zoom lenses, filters the works and darkroom
equipment to a guy who obviously needed it more than I did
The greatest loss ............................................. Self-respect
Bummer...
when did I loose that. I wish I knew, but I dont give a damn who I sleep with
anymore.. is'nt that a sign of loosing self respect? And I am not even sure
how it happened
The most satisfying work ..................................Helping others
Yeah,
I like helping other, going out of my way sometimes to help people, because
I love it
The ugliest personality trait ..................... .........Selfishness
I
am selfish sometimes. Cant think of spesific instances, but I've caught myself
with that one before, and it makes me feel ugly
Our greatest natural resource ...........................Our youth
Tons
of that... oozing out of me...
The greatest "shot in the arm" .......................... Encouragement
I'll
be ordering a dozen shots thank you...
The greatest problem to overcome ...................Fear
Fear,
for the unknown?... for the future... My future feels pretty scary.
The most effective sleeping pill ........................ Peace of mind
I
dont sleep very well...
The most crippling failure disease ................... Excuses
I
make them sometimes... but not embarressed too much over them.. I take on too
much work sometimes, and then dont deliver in time
The most powerful force in life ......................... Love
I
lost mine
The most dangerous pariah ............................. A gossiper
Seen it happen.... Felt it on my skin
The worlds most incredible computer ........... The brain
Hell
what can I say?!
The worst thing to be without .......................... Hope
Lost
mine with love
The deadliest weapon ..................................... The tongue
True
cant say anything bout that
The two most power-filled words .................... "I Can"
Use
'em often
The greatest asset ........................................... Faith
Only
thing that keeps me going at this point
The most worthless emotion ............................ Self-pity
Ah
and I can be so wortless sometimes
The most beautiful attire ..................... .............A SMILE
I
know!
The most prized possession ............................. Self esteem
mmm
perhaps u should read the commentary at self respect....
The most contagious spirit ............................... Enthusiasm
No problem there!!
"To the world, you may be one person;
but to one person, you may be the world."
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart
and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words"
I wish I had received this e-mail a year ago, but if I received it yesterday, it would have saved me a great deal of sorrow.
*NOTICE!!** Short term job opportunity!! Muslem pilot required.. no landing experience necessary.... For more info, contact www.baghdad.vlieg_in_jou_moer.bom
I'm being confronted by weird thoughts and ideas. Even though I'm comfortable with my sexuality, I feel that I'm too much in a box concerning my choices. How can my soul just appreciate and love a man? Is my soul bound to a specific choice? And is the art of making love not the topmost interaction between souls? So why must I go through life, just looking for a man? Perhaps my soul mate is a woman…
"Gay" means to me that without much constraint, with free and open choice, you prefer your own gender. And I think - I'm not certain- that there is a variable proportion of people in all societies I've studied who, regardless of constraints, prefer their own gender… Quote from BOSWELL in "Sexual"
So I prefer my own gender… but what implications does it have for the development of my soul… I want me to have the best chances for growth, and will it be helpful to look at only one group of people? Isn't being gay also just as tied down as being straight? I am not thinking of pure physical enjoyment here, but the development of my spirit. Personal growth and soul experience is my main purpose in life, but can I reconcile that with my sexual preferences. I have been married to a woman, and that in itself want all that bad, but my greatest joys and happiest soul experiences, was with Marius. He did more for my spirit than a woman could ever do. And for that I thank him. But in the future… should I shy away from women because I am gay and not supposed to be interested in them? Or should I try and connect, and if there is a spark, like I'm experiencing with this girl I met, take it further and let it develop naturally??
It is no
secret that I see my life as having a higher purpose, something that I am in
training to do still, and spiritually I am developing into un-chartered territories,
for my Calvinistic upbringing anyway. I also stated clearly that I regard myself
as a homosexual man, and not bi-sexual, even though I have thoughts on the subject
every now and then. It bothered me a lot, because I was always the first person
to condemn bisexuals for not deciding what they want out of life. But a different
thought is forming in my mind, one of which gay men don’t ever think of,
yet it is one that is starting to make perfect sense. It is after all an excellent
excuse or legitimizing of the bi sexual way of life. When I use these terms,
I do not have lust and carnal enjoyments in mind, but rather the way that we
as spiritual beings follow the path to self-actualization.
In many cultures you have people who is regarded as the spiritual leaders. Priests,
medicine men, shamans, u name them. In most, if not all cases, their androgyny
is accepted. There is instances where shamans weir women’s clothing, sometimes
even taking a husband. They regard bisexuality or asexuality as spiritual. It
is seen as part of the dialogue with gods and spirits. The free flow of contact
between the spirit of “I” and my gods and leaders is made easier
and seamless if my mind is open in all respects. And sexuality is a great part
of being, thus, my mind should be open to all forms if I want to have the natural
flow in my quest with the universe.
Thinking about that one………..
SO jonah is a "he" afterall. Thank god for small miracles. He is becoming so cute now, wakes me early in the morning, eat biscuits with me, freaks the bull dog, he is a courageouss little fella. I'm growing to love him very much
LEO put is so beautifully in one word the turmoil in my mind the past few days that I didnt write about here. And his sentence puts me at ease...
So a sentence ending in a question mark ended a friendship?
It says everything I've been struggling in my mind with recently. Why shouldnt one be allowed to question a friend? At least u question him, and not let the worry in your heart grow to something you would not be able to handle in future. Its the response that determines the true value of the friendship...
Today I write late at night dear diary, a wonderfully upside day down it was, so much so that I only have the strength to speak now. Woke up this morning at Shawn's place after a rough night out, me ending up lying on Wikus' lap at four this morning in the Mystic Boer, listening to his worries about his boyfriend..
Then after a quick breakfast at eleven, we went to the Waterfront meeting up with Wikus and one of his woman friends for Iced Tea. I never knew House of Coffees is so gay... Anyway got to the office at two and sat around. Not much to do, though the new semester has started and my typists are freaking out with all the assignments they have to type.
Then I spoke to Frans and he asked me to hold my ring in my hand. Now Frans doesnt know squat about my past and all the shit I had to go through with Gary. He concentrated, but couldnt enter my being. The ring stopped him. He asked me whether it was I being trapped in the ring. (The ring is a present from Gary). He heard a black voice screaming in the ring, stopping him to get past into my soul. Probably Gary's screams that night when he tried to kill me. He said that there is a tie to the ring not allowing me to let go, but he let the truth of it all loose in the ring andthe bondage is broken, if I allow it.
Do
I want to allow it? Gary did so much more than just trying to "off"
me. The night he went bezerked, he phoned Marius at 2 am and told him that he
was about to kill me, because if he couldnt have me, no one would. Marius was
out of himself, not knowing what to do, who to warn,......... that broke the
last link between us. And then, him giving me the poetry book to ask forgiveness
for his doings later that week, and insisting that I should keep the ring...
and now he is stalking me on the net, getting into my brain every month or so,
me worrying that one night I will yet awake with him standing next to my bed...
how can I let go?
I still suspect Gary being involved in dark matters, and now even more so.
In the townhouse, there were strange things happening. People in the house, looking at us at night, I once had the sense of somone pinning me down in bed whileGary was in the bathroom. It was so bad that I walked out of that house at one in the morning and I made him drive through the city till about 5 a.m. Then only did I feel safe enough to go home. He was involved with an indian guy who were dabling in eastern magic I think, and I am sure that either he was in on it as well, or that people casted some kind of spell over us. I once wrote a poem (DURBAN 2001) which is on my poetry page, of a being I sensed in a house in Durban while we were holidaying with this guy.
What else did he steal of me...
Yesterday was a busy day, me completing my first english short story ever! And it feels right. I enjoyed reading it on Wednesday morning after I wrote it through the night, at times not being present at all. I couldn't wait to publish it on my site, and now it's all up and running. Decided to go out last night after a rather boring night, except for the fact that I "re - met" Jacques on IRC.. a friend I got to know on the old LAGNET servers back in 1995 - 1996. We had a great chat on the net and then he phoned me as well. Interesting what life does to people in the short span of six years, how we change, career moves and so forth. Anyway, I went to the club thereafter. Very disapointing. Saw another irc friend there though, a guy staying in Cape Town. he is down visiting his parents. I left early and decided to go say hi to Teuns and Duppie, who would probably be sitting on the spot looking for a third wheel... Only Theuns was there though. We spoke a while.. I noticed this blonde guy, but decided to rather block the feeling. He came over to me though and we spoke.
As I thought, he is a rent boy. Twenty five years old and very hunky looking. Business is bad he said, asking for a cigarette. People will stone me for this, but I really feel sorry for some of these guys. He is trying to get a job, but he just doent hear anything back from the employment agencies. (I was there once too, so I do understand). I made it very clear though that out of principle I do not pay for what I can get for free. I enjoyed the chat, listening to him, and him as well, I gatehered, having someone to speak to I suppose. He asked me if I could give him a ride home. Since it was on my way, I agreed.
We drove through the city and he was telling me about his family and growing up on a small Free State 'dorpie". HEHE the only excitement there was when they shot a movie there two years ago. He stays in really shitty surroundings with some nasty people. So I invited him for a late dinner. He accepted. I still dont know if it was for the chow or the company. But he came home with me. Gave him coffee and something to eat and we watched a Carry On movie on e. I struggle to remember when last I had a laugh like I did with him. There were no sexual undertones... rather two buds enjoying some time together. I was content with that.
So he took a shower and got into bed with me. Im sure I am completely updated with the bloody war now, since the cable leading from the house with MNET & DSTV is broken, so we had to be happy with the normal late night shit. I dont know what time we fell asleep, but I recall waking up at 04:30 with him lying in my arm. It felt so right...
And then i realised he was awake too...
hehehe the rest is censored... except for his name.. Stefan
Got another call from Jacques... I do not understand why people get so ancious over the stuff I write in my diary. It is not thought through at all, it all flows from the heart. Its is just my humble opinion on matters that surround me, and the way I experience life. I do not need to impress any one in my life except myself, but somehow I do.
For the few people who does take time to read these pages, I am grateful that you would want to take the time to see whats cooking in the brain of Louis. But I'm nothing special. I want to go as far as saying that I bet if you meet me in real life, and you don't know that it's me, you would probably look down on me. Now thats a lesson worth learning , is it not? I'm just a poorish boy, with a busy mind, trying to find my niche in life.
Everyone in this life, whether you stay under the bridge in Danville, or in Florida Hills or Northcliff, have certain expectations in life. And every person has a soul, some just dont search for their's, and now I point spesifically at the high ranking people. Cause it's so easy for them to fall into the pits of glamour and luxury and forget that there is people outside who is hungry tonight, or who hurt in their hearts just as the lonely poor little rich guy does. They just dont have a personal psycologist to tell them things are going to be ok,...... cause in the end, all work out well... it really does. With or without the help of doctors and DSTV and sattelite phones and flashy cars and diesel clothing. ( BY the way, the thief who stole my Diesel shirt,... I hope it catches fire on your back )
I am actually very happy with what I have done so far in my life, as long as I don't think of what I'm going to do when I'm old and living on a state pension. I have been blessed with the most outrageous of experiences, and though I cant travel through France by train (YET) I have made up for it more than adequetly in my few years observing South Africans. I still laugh when I think of my aunt in Florida Hills talking about the new "WAL _ TOT _ WAL KARPETTE) [wall-to-wall-carpets] they laid in the mansion, while in the same breath "complaining" about the performance of her cute little Mercedes Sporster. (Antique of course).
Then I think back of an area in Bloem I never new existed, called the "white location". People staying in little crappy red brick houses with car wrecks in front of the wire fences and old men with no teeth leaning over the divides at 18:00 on a Sunday night with white pep stores vests trying to contain their buldging stomachs, exchanging playboys and nippys of brandy premixed with coke or oros.
And then I climb into my comfortable bed with the view of the pool and the city, which incidently has a roof over it... and im HAPPY.
A hectic day after a working weekend.. It's cold and rainy, adding to the gloomy feeling I am having. My buddy has some family problems as if his health is not burden enough. I so wish I could do more for him, but its something that's out of my hands. So I was surfing the net inbetween work and found this piece that really touched me. Something I would want to share especially with someone I know who always feel inadequate, and at the same time for my bud.
If I woke up
late
Couldn't get out of bed
If I bought you a cafe latte instead
If I lied when I said
32 inches was the size of my waist
And if I admit every once in a while
Even though I dig alternative style
Occasionally
I can be caught dancin' to Brittany
And can I confess
That art house doesn't turn me on
But I like every single thing that Speilberg's done (Except A.I.)
Could I be good
enough
Could I be good enough
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I'd be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn't seem like a lot
If it's all that I got
Baby tell me that could be good enough
Where I grew
up
The rent was cheap
But we always had enough to eat
Didn't have fancy clothes
I never really cared coz there were shoes on my toes
And motherly love
I knew it like the back of my hand
She always had a way to make me understand
I could be good enough
I could be good enough
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I'd be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn't seem like a lot
If it's all that I got
Baby tell me that could be good enough
Coz I don't know
which way this road is gonna turn
But I know it's gonna be fine
But there are some days no matter how much I've learned
That the road gets tough
And I don't feel good enough
But if you're giving me some of that loving
Could you pass some over
Let me cry on your shoulder and tell me baby
I could be good enough
If I lost my
job
And my hair fell out
If I made no sense
And I scream and shout
Would you laugh at me?
Never take a word I say seriously
And if I'm out in the cold
Waiting in the back of the line
Too afraid to drop my name for fear of decline
Could you tell
me I'm good enough?
Could I be good enough?
If the going got worse and the worse got rough
The days became endless and harder than tough
I'd be good enough
Better than best would be simply to be good enough
If everything I give doesn't seem like a lot
If it's all that I've got
Baby tell me that I could be good enough
I need to know
that I could be good enough
Because everybody wants to feel good enough
My phone is quite busy these Days. Thanks Jacques for being a friend while i am in need of friendship.. and ChrisJan, You cute too! Then for the person who phoned me this morning just before the meeting,.. wow wow wow! You made my day, erm actually u made my night too.. but lets not get dirty here... Then there is dearest Leo, u absolutely understanding piece of human being!! You are a very special part of my life.. and.. lets not forget Frans.. u have such a beautiful soul... and I still thank Jonathan for the input he had in my life.. (Jona is getting better, the eye infection is clearing up) Not that it stopped him from being his own naughty little self!
I sit here and I wonder where all this "thankfulness" comes froma all of a sudden. Today I just have this strong sense of the short time we have on earth to make our niche.. to be accounted for in a way I guess.. and that not one moment should be lost. I therefor have to express my grattitude for all the wonderfull blessings in my life, tommorrow.. tonight.... in an hour from now.... it might be too late. If you read this, you are someone special in my life... and I thank the Great One every day for having special people in my life
Human
beings are intricate.. That I see everyday of my life. There is so many complications
that your actions can lead to. Am I paranoid for being so tight with decisions?
I am always trying to think what the implications to my actions will be. It
makes me a slow decision maker in the very least. But somehow with each decision
that one take, someone is bound to be disadvantaged at some or other point.
So are we to just rush forward, or are we supposed to weigh it all up, and play
God in deciding who will benefit least from a particular decision. This is what
has been milling in my mind most of the day. It doesn’t seem fair, but
there is a school of thought who argues that life is not fair. Perhaps it isn’t,
but who am I to add to that unfairness.
Somehow I already made my decision, and I know that I am going to hurt someone
with my actions. If I were that person, I’d kill me easily for what I
am about to do. I wouldn’t blame him. But I am selfish in this instance.
I see the glittering of a precious goal in the distance. I see something I was
hoping to attain in my mind for a long time, something I thought was not possible
anymore. And yet, at the most inconvenient of times, it showed itself at my
door, totally unannounced, but oh so welcome all the same.
In my world I am the centerpiece, of course, and any good psychologist will
applaud me for that. BUT, I also realize that what is me, is also in every one
else. Yes, you! You are the ruler of your world, the decider, the guy in charge,
and the one who wants everything in your little cosmos to be perfect. And I
don’t blame you for that, because that is what I am doing. But I do care
that the interaction between our worlds will lead to conflict, and that heat
of friction might burn and blow up feelings of pain and hate.
I am a strong believer in that what you sow, you shall reap, seven fold in some
instances. And the subconscious decision I took today, might be construed as
being something that could be reap able in the future. But, you know, I don’t
care, cause for the first time in a very long time, I made a decision that will
purely satisfy my soul.
So I had a great day actually.. been very busy, but also busy planning my trip
to go and visit Jacques and ChrisJan. I am becoming more exited about it as
the time draws closer, though I do my best to suppress images of Gary finding
me in Gauteng. Somehow my safety at their home is my last concern; probably
because both of them are doing their utmost to assure me of their support and
protection! Ha! As if I cant protect myself! Well, I couldn’t do much
that night, going all lame and just feeling the hot trickle of blood running
down my neck, all in the imagination of course, he never drew blood.. But I
was ready for it then, perhaps in a sick way almost inviting it. Hell,, its
much better having someone else deciding about ending your life, than you yourself
doing it. Something I never really had the guts for, always afraid I might miss,
or wake up as a vegetable.
Except the one time just after the ‘hostage’ thing, when I actually drank a few hundred pills. After a long deliberation, I might add. Seeing that I stay with a doctor, and they always have the most potent stuff for their own personal use, I gathered that it will be swift and over quickly. So after a day of crying, I went to her room and took all I could find on her bedside table. Drinking it was quite easy. Not hard at all. Then I remembered what my grand ma always said about going to sleep at night. She said: “Always have a bath and brush your teeth. Make sure you are wearing clean undies, because you never know what happens during the night.” So I got up and put clean boxers on, got back onto the bed and lied stretched out with my hands on my breast… the way bodies are lying in a coffin, waiting to die. Even in my moment of despair, I was still thinking of other people’s convenience. How bloody pathetic.
Anyway,
I fell asleep like that, dosed off or whatever it was.. But I woke up as she
came into the house. Was I dreaming? No. I was just sore and nauseas and cold.
I got up and felt unsteady. As I entered the kitchen, she realized something
was wrong (I didn’t look in the mirror) I started crying again and she
hugged me. I told her what I did. In alarm she asked me where I got the stuff
and I told her. While holding me tightly, she began to laugh. I was taken aback.
Why would she laugh at me while I am dying? But it came out soon enough through
her fits of laughter. The medication on her side table is all for the 60 odd
dogs she is breeding with. I’d probably have a bad stomach for a week
a shiny hair-do for a month. That broke the spell. I cried and I laughed and
we held each other at 17:30 in the middle of the kitchen.
As I think back of it now, I can kick myself for even thinking that I wanted to die because of what he did to me.
The healing process is slow but I’m progressing. My heart is beating chocolates
again! The mystery guy knows just how to touch my soul… The upcoming Easter
holidays are not even bothering me as much as the past two years’….
I hope Marius is happy, cause I am
FRIDAY 18 APRIL 2003
Mixed emotions and feelings take me on a trip of tears and delight. CJ announced on Wednesday night that he will be visiting me for the weekend. I was thrilled, and looked forward to see him. He arrived last night round about 8:30. We went for pizza and then drinks. But the time for a visit was not right. Without discussing his feelings and thoughts, I can say that one needs time to think through your life carefully. And he needs a bit of time. I will be his friend whenever he needs me.
This morning we had coffee with another friend at Newscafè. It was nice, but my head was full of thoughts. I realised that I will never be happy with Marius in my head. And I also realised that I never want him out of my head. I still love him as much as the day I first set eyes on him. The shy boy with the melton jacket. Cj reminded me of Marius in so many ways. Caring, loveable, respectful, honest, dedicated.... And I cry because I know I will never be completely happy with anyone else, ... neither will I ever see him again.
A big part of me runs on the ability to give love, and receive love. I am empty without that. I do not see a reason for keeping up with the pretense of being happy if I am not. I also cant see the meaning of my life without it, except for writing really sad stories and poems... and who wants to see that every day. I have a box full of tear stained poems that have all reached their expiry dates in my heart. I have bright images of swimming naked in a river on a farm... making love in font of a heater in the winter..... us walking hand in hand through the veld making sure not to step on baby yellow wood trees.. making holes to plant protea seedlings..... cape town in december.. tiling and painting our little place..... struggling with a car that just doesnt wanna go sometimes..... me holding him so tightly when the world got him down and ppl just didnt want to accept us for who we are.
I dont want to accept that life dealt me a low blow, but somehow that looks more like it everyday. I know I wont be happy with anyone else and he is not coming back. So cheers to a great forty odd years to come..
Ok, so the weekend is over finally.. Hell hard, but getting better every year I suppose... Well If you consider walking through the middle of town at night flashing a R4000 cellphone in the hope you might get attacked, getting better. But I am still alive, although the sun isn't shining brightly (Its raining). I phoned Marius and we had a long chat, which made me feel worse in the end. But it's a new week, with new responsibilities and new worries. The car broke down this morning, looks like a deathblow this time... and today is also the day that my buddy goes to the doctors to hear about his sickness' status. His thoughts are that it has crossed over into the stage where from there is no escape. He'll hear about his radiation treatment schedule today as well.. I tried so hard to sound cheary as I spoke to him, but the tears were streaming down my face. I still cannot reconcile the fact that a young person who has everything in front of him, has to suffer this illness. I think of me,, on a road to nowhere, with no real goals and future, being healthy and burning oxcygen. Its not fair.
In the same breath, I met a sixteen old guy with bone cancer the weekend. Why is this happening to me? Lee is so full of life and such a strong guy. Mentally he surpasses many of my friends. I see that I am learning lessons here...
Yes that I am, I am just not sure what exactly it is. I am learning, cause I also met Pieter, a guy with a broken heart, his tears is my tears, because I so know where they coming from. I caught myself thinking a few times about him.
Then my internet CONNECTIONS! What a weekend of new faces! Probably because I was bored and sore, I was on the net basically the whole weekend. There is so many new faces and people I met... I can think of Apron, Trancer, Mark and Saint22 to name a few that stands out vividly.
and JD....... the cat's ok and........
Je
suis vraiment très heureux que nous parlions entre eux encore. Discutons
à l'avenir les problèmes
Nearly a week gone by since I had the urge to write here. Its been yet another spiritually emotional week. Many things happened to me in that sphere. I finally identified my animal spirit guide, and finished a page for him today. I had a friend tell me something yesterday that really hurt me.. You are crying to much these days. Perhaps I am, but what the fuck does it have to do with you? At least I am trying to work through my emotions and problems. I get so angry with myself, I always try to help other people to my own detriment. Even if I tried, I could not shy away if there is something wrong. But a few people have made it difficult and exceptionally hard for me in that department. So o.k. I will try it.
Mark, my friend, I hope you enjoy your new job bud! and then Jannie in Eire... well, hehehe small world indeed! Im looking forward to end of January.. It was good speaking to you today.. Its been good for my soul, now if you could travel to Stonehenge and send me a handfull of dust, I'll be forever in your debt.. Yikes a Vrystaatse Boerseun in Noord Ierland! Fok! Be safe my friend.
I showed Jonathan a pic of Lucinda last night. God I miss her. Its been now over three years I saw her last. I'm actually afraid to go and visit he. I wish it was so easy to erase one past and not carry feelings. But I'm here daddy and she makes me very proud. I spoke to her over the phone on Christmas day and she sounded shocked, or as if she wasnt sure it was me. Either is bad. I cried so much after that phone call that it hurts to even think of phoning in a short while again.. I was depressed for a month afterwards
A friend came around and we had a great chat, going through the website, the same and only one who gave me the cd for of esoteric stuff. In the discussion we had, the following poem came up, and it really made an impression on me. It is by William Ernst Henley
Invictus
OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance 5
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade, 10
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate: 15
I am the captain of my soul.