The merry month of May…. And yes, it started off wonderfully! I have mentioned some place before that I can feel that spiritually there is things happening in my life.. and that it is gaining momentum. I realize that even more tonight as I sat down to write this. Werner and I have been discussing various books and writings on the soul and magick. I have had the opportunity to meet the president of the Wicca movement in South Africa… and then I met Michael. So totally opposite. Someone told me early last week of the person with the black eyes that I am to meet. It was a bit scary at the time, because I associated it with some evil omen. I surely haven’t seen anyone in my lifetime with real black eyes. So I thought it will be a reference to the person’s heart, rather than a physical thing. What worried me more was that it was said that this person will still play a major role in my life… and I was afraid of the road I am on. … but tonight, it all made perfect sense.
I met Michaelon the internet last night. For some reason we had this deep discussion
right from the start, which is weird, because I am usually a bit wary of mentioning
certain things to people who might not understand. But it was different. It
was the kind of discussion I would have with Jonathan or Werner, but somehow
more personal. I sensed a nearness in a way to him that I still cannot explain.
I felt elated and wanted to know everything about him in 30 minutes. But it
wasn’t to be and we decided to meet each other same place tonight. He
was late. I was in anguish. I didn’t have any contact details… would
I hear from him again??… I wondered. Then he came on. My heart was jumping!
We started chatting and I was a bit forward in my interest meeting up with him.
I told him that he should switch that computer off and come around and visit
me. He said yes. I was astounded. Never before in had I invited someone over
or coffee on the second meeting. But it was done. He made an excuse of him not
being in the best of spirits, and that he has BLACK EYES.. (It turned out to
be a metaphore, but still,, the mere mentioning...) He thinks his eyes are black
because of too little sleep
I nearly fell off my chair! I remembered what was said to me not five days ago. I went cold as ice, but not of fear. I then new it was destiny to meet him. He came around at 9 pm, and we started talking. He was very nervous. He wasn’t sure how to approach me and what was safe to say to me. He tried to gauge my reasons and my point of interest. I related big chunks of my life and some of the things that have happened to me spiritually. We started discussing the tree of life. He explained it to me so beautifully; a few times I felt I could cry. We were discussing religion the way I see some of it and he made perfect sense. I got information that blew me away and that opened my eyes in understanding many things I struggled with in the past. I saw how things fit together; even the minutest of all things come together in a specific way. A tiny sentence… “Want die hart van vol is, loop die mond van oor” all of a sudden took on a cosmic meaning. It was said in relation to the chakras.. The order of spiritual growth and The Tree of Life. I am not going to relate our conversation, as it was personal, but in future, I am sure I will mention some of the lessons I have learnt. He left late and I came to sit down writing this bit for my diary. I am enveloped in peace and a silent feeling of happiness. And the fact that he is a very handsome man, didn’t go by unnoticed, but somehow, this is the right way. I have left sexual urges to the past and tonight I can for the first time vouch for that. If I met him 2 months ago, I would not have gained the friendship and knowledge I am experiencing now, because I would have tried my utmost to get him into bed. This is wonderful! It is as if dawn breaks in my mind, and I see the purpose of it all
**************
I realize that I have feelings of anger and hate directed towards certain people
whom I have met in my lifetime. I always tried to justify it… but I now
realize that it is pulling me down. I am ready to let go.. so in public I need
to say the following:
Marius’ parents, I have had terrible thoughts and feeling
directed towards you. I know that what you did was to protect your son that
you love. Even though I was never a threat to him, I realize that it is your
duty as parents to do what you think is best.
Dad’s wife… I got angry at your beliefs and your
lifestyle, but I know that you work hard to protect that which is your only
form of sustenance on earth. I realize the mindset that you grew up in and that
I am not the one to violently change your views.
Adele, my ex wife.. This is probably the hardest part, admitting
I was wrong to marry without getting to know life first. And I know that I have
hurt you with my way of doing things, even though I thought differently at the
time. And that it hurts you to know that I lead such a different lifestyle now
to the one that your mind says is right. I am responsible for making your life
miserable.
Marius... my dearest friend and soul companion, what we had.., I could never have asked for anything better, but it was time for me to move on. I only realise that now. I have hurt you by not being faithful and I know that hurts you, even though I just confirmed that to you last week. I so much hate my self for doing that to you. You are the more earthly one of us two, but yet at the same time you were far more fragile than I could ever be. That is what attracted me to you in the first place, and that was what I abused and what I did not acknowlege for the most part of our relationship. I love you deep in my heart, and your pain and hurt is part of me for always. I can only ask forgiveness for hurting you. That was the last thing I ever intended to do. I close my eyes and the pain in your eyes haunt me. I only wanted to love you.
Lucinda, my baby. What ever I did to fuck up the life you still have to lead, I will have to bear the consequences of that for the rest of my life. But I love you dearly, daddy's little blue eyed princess. You are one of my reasons for not giving up.
I
suppose we hurt peple every of our life, and for me to go back on my footsteps.........
the internet as a medium will be too small. I can only hope that one day they
might catch a glimpse of what I am becoming and , indeed that they have the
opportunity of growth that I am having. I will probably hurt peple in future,
that is for sure.. But I would like to believe that my attitude is changing
drastically... and that in future I'll be more in tune with other people's feelings.
One can only pray...
When
you look in the mirror, what do you see??
Yourself??
What you see is a mere reflection of the universe
You see God itself.. That little spark, a chunk of Light that divided off
The Source of it all to become you for a brief period in time...
To grow and learn and experience.
For
the Source of it all has potential.. but no way to experience, since it is the
Creator
It is not bound or affected by time and place. It has created everything and
as such is not
Part of everything, although everything is from the source. It experiences its
creation through you, the little spark.
Make sure that you realize what you represent. Every action on your part will
have consequences. Honor in word and deed the source of your existence
Do
not hold on to the past, neither to your future
For holding on, will bind you.
It will withhold you from the intended path you have to follow, and you will
not experience your destiny.
My
spirit is willing
But my flesh is weak…
Michael thought me that one valuable lesson.
He shared with me his thoughts….
His mind.
According to Buddhism, desire is the root of, … lets call it sin.
I desire this or that, but everything boils down to desire.
It thus sounds impossible not to sin.
The answer? Don’t hold on. Find the middle of the road. Not black, not
white.
Don’t hold on to your past, neither to your future. Actions in the “now”
will determine your future. Make sure that your actions now will not bind you
to your future.
I held
on to my past for far to long. Tomorrow (12/5) will be Marius’ birthday.
For too long I held on to wishes and hopes to be re united with him. The love
I have for him is still overwhelming at times, but I am making peace with him
and my past in my heart. A lot of my holding has to do with the hurt I experienced
while with him. Hurt not by him, but by factors that influenced our relationship.
Marius is an integral part of my past that I can’t and don’t want
to wipe out. And that is not asked of me either. I am just required not to hold
on. I remember him with fondness in my heart and I am thankful that I too once
had the opportunity to experience a love such as his. It was good for me at
that time. For three years I have yearned for his love and affection, and in
that searched I let myself be pulled down into the pits of meaningless sex and
desires… hoping to fill the void I thought was left by him.
But thinking back now, I realize that ultimately, even he was just a way to
fill an emptiness in my heart. Granted… he is a special special of human
being and the qualities he has, made it appear as if he was able to do that
for me. In a sense I made him God in my life. But he could and would in the
long run not have been able to fill that void in my heart. I see that now. So,
time to move on has come finally, and I sense that I am doing so as I write
this. I am sure I will be tempted to love again… but after experiencing
human love as I experienced Marius, I seriously doubt if there can be more..
I shift my gaze higher now. Now, I see that love as I know it, tends to be binding
to the soul in terms of growth and moving on. I am on a highway traveling fast…
and the baggage needs to be minimal if I am to achieve what I am destined for.
I am moving up into a higher place of existence… not shooting down what I experienced before, but acknowledging that it is not part of my destiny anymore. Breaking away from all convictions and the conventional way of living according to earth customs.
I am free from the monetary rules of this planet… now I am breaking with the emotional bonds of this place and its people. It’s the hardest thing to do. Detaching oneself from the world emotionally and yet at the same time, stay a part of it. I still care and I will still love, but in a different way. I have been blessed with compassion since I can remember. It was born into me. And with compassion I will take the road further it’s a lonely road I suppose in certain terms, but I also realize that wonderful things awaits me. In the last sis months wonderful things has happened to me. I experienced more growth that I experienced in the last ten years, and that gives me hope and strength to push forward.
There are some thing in life that I am striving for:
· To not be attached
· To be willing to go to the depth
· To not feel offended, slighted or upset when corrected
· To be impartial, yet still have the ability to see all ways
· To be able to take a side, while all the meanwhile, remain unattached
· To allow the emotion to take one on a ride and yet, still keep the
mind clear
· Watch as a third person all that is spoken and expressed
· Keep open minded
· Allow all to express themselves to their fullest
· Do not judge
· Be decernful
· Strive hard to listen rather then to be heard
· Become receptive to what one needs, All then will come to thee
· Be like water which is easily shaped
· Do not be like water which stagnates when stilled
· Be subtle yet firm, be strong yet flexible
· Open like the lotus to the light of Truth
· Think before speaking
· Those who scream are rarely heard, those who whisper are heard loud
and clear
· Slow down
· Gently lead a conversation from the mundane to the Divine
· Argue not for arguing sake
· Push by questioning
· Be open, honest, selfless, alert, flexible, reflective, thoughtful,
collective, ready, and unbiased.
· Expect No-Thing
· See and listen with the inner senses
· Listen
· Talk to be heard, speak with experience
· Focus upon that which is permanent
· If one wishes to be heard, they first must be understood
· Focus between the eyes unto the brow of the third eye
Why do we insult other people, talk behind their backs,
and think negative thoughts about them- what purpose does this serve? How does
this make us feel better? As if talking down about another puts us above them.
The truth is that when we talk about another, we exalt them by giving them our
energy. We insult nothing but ourselves when we assume the role of a judge.
Our verdict is nothing more then how we feel about ourselves.
Why is it
that we get so caught up in the drama of life? Why do we go beyond our means
just to keep up with everything and everyone? Why do we allow our desires to
get us so deep into debt? Why do we go out to eat every night, or go to the
movies every week, or buy some useless piece of cloth that will be worn but
once or twice, while knowing that by spending this money we will not be able
to pay our bills, etc… We can say that things just come up, or that we
our building our credit, or any of the other excuses to justify our wasteful
spending of our energy just to fill in a temporary desire. Would it not be better
to give that R20 away to someone hungry then to waste it on some random snack
that gives us cavities? At least then, our debt might be created in a way that
will at the very least create good karma. The point is, it is not bad to enjoy
ourselves, or to feed a desire once in awhile, but when it becomes a point where
our desires and those things that we find enjoyable begin to create debt and
to take us down a chasm of suffering, then there is a problem. Being responsible
is knowing where our center and our balance is in all things. If we learn how
to keep center in our day to day lives, then we come to find this happiness
that far exceeds what a temporary desire can ever give us.
When we really begin to walk the Path; and i do not mean when we begin practicing
with whatever interests us in life, or the little experiences that we had practicing
magic or philosophical contemplation. When i say, beginning to walk the Path,
i mean a conscious effort towards Wisdom and Peaceful Abiding. No more are we
just following in the foot steps of others or going with the flow of the Masses;
here we are for the first time realizing and truly understanding that what we
are about to undertake and begin, is the complete destruction of all that we
have believed and understood. In a literal since, we will be going against the
grain of society. This is why it is so important to find the right people to
study from and the right texts/writings to read and contemplate.
I was introduced to a beautiful song today by a band called Evanescence.
Look at these lyrics: Thanks Jonathan for sharing this with me..
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this I loathe all I've become
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live
Talking of Jonathan (In Potch).......
What a true blessing he is becomming for me. I really enjoy his company and friendship..
Ah and I
met Nico this weekend!! WOW What a cool and absolutely great guy he is.. An
exceptional friend! One thing I will always remember is his friendliness and
laughter. He doesnt stop smiling!! And then.. that little cut on his lip...
Divine... it makes that smile so much more precious!!