You know what I hate about answering machines? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is "We aren't in right now, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me. I swear that... *BEEP*
(in a Granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machines. You jusht hadda call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble it you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
Hi! Pam's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
This is not an answering mahcine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about calling you back.
I can't come to the phone right now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaviny my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
Hi. I'm probably at home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back...it's you.
Hi. This is Mike. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (open a drawer and shuffle papers around) Ok what would you like to tell me?
(noisy pick-up of phone:) Hi. Um...this is a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh...by the way...where did you say you lived?
(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase this tape.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now all our assholes are busy. Please leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Voice #1- Answer the phone. Please, Hal.
Voice #2- I'm sorry Dave. I can't do that.
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing "Vesti La Guibba" and "La Donna E Mobile".
I can't come to the phone right now, so...well....actually I CAN come to the phone now. I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing it NOW. And you're listenig to it LATER. Except...for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it. I mean...wait....my head hurts.
Voice #1- Ok that button didn't do anything.
Voice #2- I hate these manuals, they don't give you the instructions
clearly enough...
Voice #1- Wait what does this button do?
Voice#2- No! Don't push that...*BEEP*
After the tone, please leave me a massage. My shoulders could really use it and...what? You're only supposed to leave a message? Damn!
Voice #1- Hey, we're not home right now so....
Voice #2- Jim! We are too home!
Voice #1- But we may not be when someone calls.
Voice #2- Are we going somewhere?
Voice #1- We might.
Voice #2- So who's gonna answer the phone?
Voice #1- How about Fluffy?
Voice #2- Fluffy...here kitty, kitty, kitty...
Voice #1- Okay Fluffy, when the phone rings, jump on the table and hit this button...*BEEP*
(using No Doubt cd:)
Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking into siderwebs.
So leave a message and I'll call you back..."
Hello?! Listen, there is no time to explain, but I think this answering machine has been taken over by aliens. if you can....(in an alien-type voice)...Disregard that last transmission. Please leave your name, phone number, and the coordinates of your telephone at the sound of the beep.
Voice #1- This is Hans.
Voice #2- And this is Franz, and we want to...
Both Voices- Pump *CLAP* you up!
Voice #1- But we are not home, you know.
Voice #2- Ya we are gone.
Voice #1- If you want us to...
Both Voices- Pump *CLAP* you up!
Voice #2- You will leave a message after the beep.
Voice #1- If you don't leave a message, then you are girly-man.
Voice #2- Ya girly-man. And we don't talk to girly-man you know.
Voice #1- So leave a message and we will call to...
Both Voices- Pump *CLAP* you up!
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway.
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see...so leave a message and I'll get back to thee.
Voice #1- Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if you...
Voice #2- Steve what are you doing?
Voice #1- I'm recording the phone message.
Voice #2- But you left the last one! It's my turn.
Voice #1- No it's not, it's mine.
Voice #2- No you are totally wrong. It's definately my turn.
Voice #1- Come on! I know it's....wait...Matt...what are you doing with that frying pan??? Wait...NO!!!
(really loud thud)
Voice #2- Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number at the beep.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsesive-compulsive: Please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant: Please have someone press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities: Please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional: We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate: Please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
(Mr. Rogers voice:) Hello boys and girls. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number at the tone? Sure...I knew you could.
(English accent:) Hello you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call back when I get better.
(using the RENT soundtrack:)
Tell the folks at home what you're doing Roger!
I'm writing one great song before I...
The phone rings!
Saved!
We screen...zoom in on the answering machine.
Speak...*BEEP*
Hey. I've got a shotgun in one hand and a puppy in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.
The number you have reached...555-1234...has been changed. The new number is...555-1234. (yes same number) Please make a note of it.
(classical music) This is our answering machine.
(switch to heavy metal) This is our answering machine on drugs.
(silence) Any message?
Voice #1- Gee Joshua...what do you feel like doing tonight?
Voice #2- Same thing we do every night Rob...try to take over the world!
(sing:)
They're Joshua and Rob.
Yes Joshua and Rob.
One is a drummer. The other needs a job.
They're not at home right now. So please don't have a cow.
Leave a message.
For Joshua and Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, NARF!
Hello. You've reached John and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we are doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down. I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message and when we are done brushing our teeh...we'll get right back to you.
(Narrator voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
(Ron Serling voice:) You're dazed. Bewildered. Trapped in a world without time. Where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead...this is no ordinary telephone answering device. You have reached..."The Twilight Phone"